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Original poster

To be a bit pissed off with friend. CF?...

83 replies

SandyMojito · 10/05/2022 13:54

Hi,

So I've had this friend for almost 5 years now. We're close (ish) and in all honesty, where as I used to admire her gutsy, go getter attitude, I'm now seeing it differently and wondering if actually she's a bit of a CF.

She told me a few months ago that they were cutting back on extras like eating out, cinema etc because they wanted to take their son to Disney World next year. Lovely, I thought and seems like a sensible plan to be cutting back on non essentials.

Anyway, she keeps asking if they can come over for dinner, as it's "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" I think she believes I will just be flattered, because she's complimenting my cooking and house ( don't live in a mansion or anything, but she's into interior design, so is interested in that sort of thing) I have been flattered, but now I'm wondering whether she was just trying to butter me up.

Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy to have them over more often and dp and I do enjoy cooking and hosting, but I don't want to have to change our plans or factor them in because I feel awkward or rude to say, actually....no. You wait to be invited don't you? You don't invite yourself!

Last weekend we were having a BBQ and I know she was trying to get an invite. Again, starting with the compliments about wanting to see the garden since we did it up, but I thought, no, why should I now go out and buy more food and drink, because you're saving for a hugely expensive holiday?! We just wanted a quiet afternoon BBQ, just our family.

This is rude, right? I'm hoping she just gets the message soon. I don't want our friendship to come to an end, but it's getting awkward.

How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 10/05/2022 16:20

Tell her she's inspired you, and you're cutting back to to save for The Maldives Grin

neverbeenskiing · 10/05/2022 16:27

I kind of feel like if I sent a reply like that, the friendship is as good as over. Even though I think I would be reasonable to say so

So the friendship is only sustainable if you keep allowing her to walk all over you and don't say what you really think? That's not a friendship worth having IMO.

Riverlee · 10/05/2022 16:32

It’s perfectly fine (and lovely) to have a small family barbecue.

Also it’s rude to invite your self around.

However, as others have said, if she does, share the cost. Ie. Bring wine and dessert, order Chinese - she picks it up and pays for it, then you give her your share of the cost etc.

pepperaunt · 10/05/2022 16:37

I would bet that, if she agrees to bring something, she will (alas) “forget” it then plaintively mention how hungry her children are

WhereYouLeftIt · 10/05/2022 16:52

"She told me a few months ago that they were cutting back on extras like eating out, cinema etc because they wanted to take their son to Disney World next year. ... she keeps asking if they can come over for dinner, as it's "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" "
Wow. She's more than a bit of a CF, she is completely a CF.

aloris · 10/05/2022 16:59

"... she keeps asking if they can come over for dinner, as it's "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" "

So, in short, they openly want you to pay for their treats. And also if you decline to treat her family to free meals at your own expense, she will be so offended the friendship will be over.

Asimhereanyway · 10/05/2022 17:07

I had a friend, recently single, who jumped at the chance to come for dinner when I invited her. Over the next couple of weeks she went on about what a great time she had, loved the food etc etc. I was flattered, I invited her again. DH & I enjoyed her company so we had some great evenings, it was practically a weekly event in the end.
she kept saying “oh I must have you round to mine for a meal some time” but never actually invited us.

I then overheard her saying on the phone how another friend had invited her to eat and how she was just going to say yes for everything as it saves her a meal!

your post has reminded me very much of my EX- friend.

Asimhereanyway · 10/05/2022 17:07

I had a friend, recently single, who jumped at the chance to come for dinner when I invited her. Over the next couple of weeks she went on about what a great time she had, loved the food etc etc. I was flattered, I invited her again. DH & I enjoyed her company so we had some great evenings, it was practically a weekly event in the end.
she kept saying “oh I must have you round to mine for a meal some time” but never actually invited us.

I then overheard her saying on the phone how another friend had invited her to eat and how she was just going to say yes for everything as it saves her a meal!

your post has reminded me very much of my EX- friend.

IncompleteSenten · 10/05/2022 17:11

You need to say to her what you're asking me to do is pay for you to have treats so you can save your own money.
That's not fair is it? I don't want to end up resenting you or feeling like you're taking advantage of me.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 10/05/2022 17:12

Complete brazen CF - I'm only surprised that she's come out and admitted it.

Saving money means doing without or making do with cheaper options, not just getting somebody else to pay for you!

I was thinking similar to PP that she's effectively wanting YOU to pay into HER savings. She reminds me of these people who set up a GoFundMe for an entirely frivolous luxury, or go on a fantastic holiday under the guise of it being for charity, so that other people conveniently pay for them in full before the charity starts to see a penny - but at least they spread their pool of marks and don't just target one single person to fund the lot (unless she's got a whole load of schemes going on to take advantage of all her other 'friends').

godmum56 · 10/05/2022 17:13

Its just bad manners to self invite like that

respectmysexvote · 10/05/2022 17:16

She’s out of order.

have some fun when you next make an arrangement … tell her it’s her turn and you and family would love to pop over on x date for a slap up meal. Pretend she’s asked you and watch her reaction…

I once had a ‘friend’ try to come to my house for a free holiday…She was skint and they needed a change of scene. I wouldn’t have minded but I rarely heard from her!
I said no!

Summerholidayorcovidagain · 10/05/2022 17:16

I have remembered 2 more cf tales. Actually include holiday meet ups too!! Invited once to camp abroad with another family.. We had a caravan and they hired one there. I cooked one night for us all. We were both a family of 6...had a great night.. Plenty of food and drinks..
There was mention of them returning the invite to us.
Next day apparently the campsite shop was closed so the invite was cancelled...
Tale 2 we had a caravan, them a trailer tent. Met at the site. We unpacked a week's groceries... My friend climbed out of the passenger seat carrying a cooked chicken. Guess who hosted the whole weekend? Gave up going away with anyone and having friends at all tbh...

MuthaHubbard · 10/05/2022 17:17

Invite yourself round to hers saying the same as she's said to you:

"As its "still a treat for you and your dcs, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!"

Then she might get it.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 10/05/2022 17:22

I'd have absolutely no time for this at all.

Just tell her straight that she is being a cheeky fucker and if she gets the hump you know exactly how much your "friendship" means to her.

gamerchick · 10/05/2022 17:25

Just tell her sure, you bring the food and I'll cook it. Her reasons are she likes your house and garden. That still will fit in.

Freeloaders properly wind me up.

AndSoTonight · 10/05/2022 17:33

I'm laughing at her nerve, I mean she actually said she planned to save money by spending yours. Amazing.

I don't actually mind an imbalance in hosting, some people are brilliant company and for whatever reason it works to have them here, and I have a couple of friends who actually cannot cook lol but whatever the deal, it only works if you're both happy with it.

Winkydink · 10/05/2022 18:04

Hosting a BBQ has taken on a whole new level of expense - just filled our small cannister for our gas bbq...for £50!

Notmyyearthisyear · 10/05/2022 18:07

I really don’t understand the idea that you ‘host’ an event but expect people to bring their own food and drinks. That’s the least hospitable thing ever. I’d never dream of doing that.
Having said that, I’d not entertain the idea of being the only person in a relationship to ever act as the host. She doesn’t ever reciprocate, she stops getting the invites 🤷‍♀️

CambsAlways · 10/05/2022 18:11

Think I’d say, sorry no we’ve decided to cut back too

mum2jakie · 10/05/2022 18:23

I'd tell her "Thanks for the compliment but I'm totally sick of cooking meals so I'll give it a miss! Best of luck with the holiday savings - will be worth all the sacrifices you're making, I'm sure!"

clippety clop · 10/05/2022 18:38

Dear friend as you're not wanting to eat out as much and it's unfair of us to host when you can't return the compliment why don't we do a big picnic at the park one day.....? Might work?

Daleksatemyshed · 10/05/2022 18:45

I freely admit that I'm getting older and more easily annoyed but I just don't understand letting other people take the piss like this! You do not invite yourself to other people's homes and expect them to feed and water you and never return the favour. Reading your threads Op all I can think of is why, why are you not ignoring the hints? If she's only your friend when she gets something then she's not your friend at all.
You need to channel my DGM who's favourite saying was "I want doesn't get"😂

NumberTheory · 10/05/2022 21:35

If she's really as bold as to say "still a treat for them and their ds, but without having to fork out to go to a restaurant!" I would be just as bold back with something like "You want me to fork out so you don't have to? I think it's great that you want to save for a holiday to Disney and I'm happy to do low cost stuff with you while you do. But I'm not paying for your treats so you can afford it."

If she's just hinting but not actually asking I would just ignore the hints and probably pull back a little as it gets tedious.

In general I agree with others that you are tiptoeing around her too much. If her mooching off you is this clear and you can't directly address it without her being resentful, your "friendship" is not worth keeping.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 10/05/2022 21:45

Got friends like this op

We've drifted apart sadly but mainly because we were never invited there for anything but they would always rock up at ours for bbqs and rainy Sundays so I would be feeding and cooking for ten people and they never helped with any of the clean up

The excuse was that we had a bigger garden or theres was a mess etc etc.

Have in laws and sil family exactly the same.
In 18 years we've been invited to one Xmas and one bbq there between them but we've had them for many years and upto covid times mil and fil would always aske which weekend we would be hosting for fil birthday Confused

Last year after two years of covid mil mentioned it again and was told my dh that we won't ever be hosting again as it's never reciprocated and even worse nobody ever brings anything with them so unless they all wanted to start hosting and paying for it all it wouldn't be happening.

Surprise surprise they've all stopped mentioning it now