new bf pressuring me to have sex (trigger warning)

[RobynsMama]

honestly i know i’m not being unreasonable but i just need to get some perspective. many years ago i was seriously sexually assaulted the after effects of which dominated my life for so many years. i have managed to slowly get over what happened with lots of therapy therapy and i did have a really lovely relationship and had my DD with a man who was so patient and kind and gentle (we just fell out of love and split when DD was still a baby.

ive recently started dating a new man and i was very honest with him at the start about wanting to wait to get physically intimate and the reasons behind it (i didn’t i into a lot of detail because i didn’t want to scare him off because he was so nice and i really liked him) he was so understanding at the time and it maybe lulled me into a false sense of security.

we’ve been dating for almost six months now and i was so comfortable with him, kissing and cuddling and sharing the same bed (which was a huge thing for me but he was so reassuring that he was happy to wait and he said he understood why i wanted to take things slowly)

we haven’t had sex yet and i know that six months is a long time for him to have to wait and he really has been very patient with me but i still don’t feel ready to go any further. recently i think he’s getting fed up with waiting and has started initiating sex when we’re sharing a bed. every time i’ve said no he’s stopped, he’s not actually forcing me into anything but he’s getting more and more frustrated and last night he snapped and said “well you’ve had a kid so you can’t be that scared of sex” he did apologise for that comment as he could see it upset me.

i really like him and he’s so generous and loving but he’s really pushing me now to the point where i’m making excuses not to stay the night because i know it’ll end up with him wanting sex and me having to say no. i know it’s not fair on him but i did explain right at the start that it would take me a long time to feel comfortable to actually start having sex.

it’s getting to the point where i’m thinking i might have to break things off but i really don’t want to. but it’s just not fair on him is it? i wish i could just get out of my head and get it over with so it’s not such a big thing but it’s just so hard for me. i’m so fed up of being like this and it’s ruined relationships i’ve tried to have before and i can just see this going the same way. it’s just rubbish and i feel like it’s all my fault :(

I don't have any answers to your issues around sex, because I've seen that you have done counseling. He has been patient, but it looks like you might not be ready for a relationship and it isn't fair on him.

I agree with the previous poster - you are not ready for a relationship.

Definitely consider more therapy, the issues are clearly not resolved.

In my opinion, before you start to have a relationship you have to be able to pin point whether you'd like (and I do mean Like! ) sex to be part of it.

It makes for a confusing mess otherwise.

I'm not asexual but I don't fancy intimacy with a man at this point in my life, so I'm cracking on with other things that life has to offer.
Don't torture yourself.

I agree with the other posters that it's not the right time for you to be in a relationship. I note you call him a "new" boyfriend and that you've started seeing him "recently". Personally I wouldn't class someone I'd dated for 6 months as new - I thought when I first read your thread title you meant a month or so.

It sounds like he's been very patient and if you don't see your feelings towards sex changing imminently, it's fairest to end things. Not many men would wait that long so he's clearly a good egg, it's just not meant to be right now I'd say.

I agree with the other posters that it's not the right time for you to be in a relationship. I note you call him a "new" boyfriend and that you've started seeing him "recently". Personally I wouldn't class someone I'd dated for 6 months as new - I thought when I first read your thread title you meant a month or so.

It sounds like he's been very patient and if you don't see your feelings towards sex changing imminently, it's fairest to end things. Not many men would wait that long so he's clearly a good egg, it's just not meant to be right now I'd say.

It would be fair to take a break from each other until you're ready to take things further.

I agree with pp’s that you are at different phases and it’s not fair on either of you.

You have very valid reasons to not wanting to enter a physical relationship and your partner has been patient. But there comes a point when you have to have an honest conversation about the future to check if you are compatible. From what you have written you both want something the other can’t offer so for now you don’t seem compatible so would benefit from a break.

6 months is not a new relationship. It is the ideal time to have such a chat

Just out of curiosity, when you were with your ex, how long did it take before you were intimate with each other, and what was it about him that let yourself be with him in that way. Is there anything different about your new(ish) boyfriend that stands out where you know you just can't be with him yet????

You need to let this man go. It's just not going to work.

If you're not ready and don't want to that's your absolute right and always trumps his desire to have sex.

But.

You do need to be honest with yourself and with him about whether this is going to change or not, and tell him be needs to wait and be ok with it or spilt up.
It's not fair that you feel under pressure, but it's not fair him being in an unfulfilling relationship indefinitely.

He has a choice to make, as do you.

He can decide that you are worth waiting for and back off of the emotional manipulation. Because that's what it is. Or he can move on and find someone who doesn't mind being pressured in to sex when they asked not to be.

He has scared you. You are now afraid of him and instead of this leading to you two starting a healthy sex life, this has put you back massively, as far as trusting him goes. You can choose to explain this to him and introduce him to his right hand (no man is entitled to use your body for sex, relationship or no). Or you can walk away at his emotional manipulation, if you have that boundary.

What you must not do is feel guilty, or that you owe him anything. Nobody is entitled to use your body, ever. Now you will feel pressure to give in to keep him, but if you do, it will re-traumatise you, because you aren't ready.

Difficult ❤

it’s getting to the point where i’m thinking i might have to break things off but i really don’t want to. but it’s just not fair on him is it? i wish i could just get out of my head and get it over with so it’s not such a big thing but it’s just so hard for me. i’m so fed up of being like this and it’s ruined relationships i’ve tried to have before and i can just see this going the same way. it’s just rubbish and i feel like it’s all my fault :(

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It's absolutely not your fault, it's the fault of whoever assaulted you and caused this trauma.

But you need to try and get yourself through this and not let it control your life and relationships. I would try therapy/counselling, maybe even relationship counselling if you feel comfortable enough with your partner.

Perhaps letting him in on how you are feeling and explaining why you have these barriers will help you both? It would show him you trust him and want to go further but also give him some more understanding of what you are going through?

End this
He had waited 6 months
I wouldnt have been able to do that. And im a woman haha

He is ready
You arent

Call it quits. That's fairer on everyone involved

It seems like you should find some counselling and be single for a while

YANBU as you have completely valid reasons for how you feel about sex. Sadly though, he is not being unreasonable to wish his relationship included a sexual aspect. It might be fairest to have a frank conversation about where the two of you are heading, and perhaps end this.

I agree with the others that you're not ready.

last night he snapped and said “well you’ve had a kid so you can’t be that scared of sex”

This pissed me off though. You're not scared of sex and he doesn't get to decide when or when you shouldn't be ready to have it. I can understand it's frustrating but he can talk to you without constantly trying to instigate sex.

I mean he’s not wrong is he? You did have a kid. Seriously OP if the father of your child was so loving and kind and patient why did you want to leave him especially with a baby? What does “fell out of love” even mean in that context if he was so wonderful? Sounds like that might have actually been a good situation for you and it’s not that likely you’ll find another as good.

There are very few men who will accept no sex like this especially if it’s not a religious thing and the woman in question is already a single mother by choice. Think about it - if a man told you he couldn’t have sex for that long because of his issues and yet he had chosen to get another woman pregnant then end the relationship when they had a baby what would you think?

I really think you should talk to a professional or least a counseller.

This is very sad, but resentment is starting to build and he's becoming frustrated and angry. If this continues he will say things like he did and make you feel worse.

I think you need to end it now, whilst things are still amicable.

You are absolutely and totally reasonable to decline sex at any point, with any person, irrespective of the length of your relationship. The absolute minimum level of consent is genuine free enthusiasm untainted by any sense of obligation from either person.

Staying overnight in the same bed is probably a bad idea though. Fair enough as a step towards intercourse but keeping it at that level for months must be very frustrating. It's asking a lot for him to be "so near and yet so far" with no end in sight. But that doesn't mean you "should" have sex with him (see above, coercively guilt-prompted sex isn't fun).

The thing is that the planned narrative in his head is that you stay overnight and sooner or later you'll be so overcome with desire that you'll be unable to restrain yourself any longer and bingo, he's in there. He initiates situations in the expectation that sooner or later this will happen, but it keeps not happening. I don't think he understands or empathises with the depth and complexity of the barriers that would need to be overcome for you to be able to just let go and enjoy sex. I don't think he has the patience or the unselfishness needed for a relationship where these things have to be built up over a long time.

I think you need a year or so of being single and not dating. Then start again with the dating but don't let it get this serious until you're sure that he's really got the patience for it to take a very long time, potentially years, before you are ready for sex. Don't stay overnight until you feel that moment is a matter of no more than weeks away, rather than months.

OP you say "we haven’t had sex yet and i know that six months is a long time for him to have to wait and he really has been very patient with me but i still don’t feel ready to go any further".

But it's not about him waiting. Sex is not a gift that a woman gives to a man, it should be something shared. I don't think you are ready for a relationship.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, OP. It's completely understandable why you would struggle with this given your past. That said, I do think 6 months isn't particularly "new" and that your boyfriend has been very patient and is probably frustrated and resentful at this point (6 months would feel long to me too as a woman). I do think the best thing all round would be to break it off and stay single until you feel ready. I know you say you've had therapy already but would it be an option to have more? Sometimes that's what's needed. Good luck OP

I'd feel frustrated at 6 months without sex in a relationship tbh. I don't think you're ready for a relationship at the moment. 6 months is not new. His snapping isn't great but I can see why he did, he must be frustrated. Physical contact is important in a lot of peoples relationships.

I agree with everyone else - when you said a ‘new boyfriend’ I was assuming a couple of weeks, a month - but six months? That’s not a new relationship and I think that if you’re not ready for sex with him after that period of time, this isn’t the relationship for you and you need to make that clear to him. What he said was cruel, but you have clearly had a previous relationship which was a sexual one so there must be something about this man and this relationship which is putting you off. And in that case, it’s just not fair on him to pursue it any longer. It’s not unreasonable for him to want to have sex with you after six months, it’s really not.

I can see his point of view…..

How long did you wait to have sex with your Ex? And what was it about him that you feel safe to have sex with that you don’t feel with your current boyfriend?

If after 6 months you don’t trust him enough or feel safe enough with him to have sex then at what point will you? What has to change between you as a couple before you feel comfortable enough to have sex with him?

Six months is a very long time to wait and he has been very patient - I can’t imagine many men would be prepared to wait indefinitely.

Your reasons for not wanting sex are very valid, but from his point of view, it is very normal to want to have a sexual relationship with a partner and so he is craving that connection with you too. He’s probably feeling very confused and hurt as to why you’ve been able to have sex with another man but you won’t have sex with him and that’s why he lashed out.

Ultimately though, you were able to have sex with your Ex yet you can’t with this boyfriend so there must be something wrong in the relationship somewhere.

I think it’s only fair to end things.

I'm going to go against the grain here and tell you to end it because this guy doesn't seem all that nice. He keeps trying it on, even though you've explained you aren't comfortable. That would give me the ick and make me feel unsafe , as for his nasty comment, I'd have left there and then. I do agree though that it sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship, not because of the issues with sex but because I think you need to work on your confidence and build yourself up a bit more.

I think end it too, as wait until you're ready at your own pace.