new bf pressuring me to have sex (trigger warning)

[RobynsMama]

honestly i know i’m not being unreasonable but i just need to get some perspective. many years ago i was seriously sexually assaulted the after effects of which dominated my life for so many years. i have managed to slowly get over what happened with lots of therapy therapy and i did have a really lovely relationship and had my DD with a man who was so patient and kind and gentle (we just fell out of love and split when DD was still a baby.

ive recently started dating a new man and i was very honest with him at the start about wanting to wait to get physically intimate and the reasons behind it (i didn’t i into a lot of detail because i didn’t want to scare him off because he was so nice and i really liked him) he was so understanding at the time and it maybe lulled me into a false sense of security.

we’ve been dating for almost six months now and i was so comfortable with him, kissing and cuddling and sharing the same bed (which was a huge thing for me but he was so reassuring that he was happy to wait and he said he understood why i wanted to take things slowly)

we haven’t had sex yet and i know that six months is a long time for him to have to wait and he really has been very patient with me but i still don’t feel ready to go any further. recently i think he’s getting fed up with waiting and has started initiating sex when we’re sharing a bed. every time i’ve said no he’s stopped, he’s not actually forcing me into anything but he’s getting more and more frustrated and last night he snapped and said “well you’ve had a kid so you can’t be that scared of sex” he did apologise for that comment as he could see it upset me.

i really like him and he’s so generous and loving but he’s really pushing me now to the point where i’m making excuses not to stay the night because i know it’ll end up with him wanting sex and me having to say no. i know it’s not fair on him but i did explain right at the start that it would take me a long time to feel comfortable to actually start having sex.

it’s getting to the point where i’m thinking i might have to break things off but i really don’t want to. but it’s just not fair on him is it? i wish i could just get out of my head and get it over with so it’s not such a big thing but it’s just so hard for me. i’m so fed up of being like this and it’s ruined relationships i’ve tried to have before and i can just see this going the same way. it’s just rubbish and i feel like it’s all my fault :(

I dated a man who very briefly mentioned he'd been abused as a child. We went out for around a year and a half without having any kind of sex.

He also had two children from previous relationships. He'd been able to have one night stands before we met.

It was really bad for my self esteem, made me feel inferior etc. I became very anxious and depressed. Went to therapy and tried medication for months.

I wanted to be able to have children at some point too - mid 30s.

It's not really fair having it all on your own terms. You could go out with someone who isn't interested in sex, or asexual instead. Or have a close friend for affection.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, truly.
No, it's not fair on him. 6 months is a long time, and I think sharing a bed and kissing and cuddling shouldn't have been on the cards if sex wasn't. He probably feels a bit rejected and taken the piss out of. Bed sharing and kissing is intimate. I'd be upset if a man continued to do this to me but became annoyed if I brought up sex.

You aren't ready for a relationship. It's not fair on him and you need to let him go.

YANBU, please don’t feel pushed into having sex.

Just tell him that you’ve always been clear it may take a long time for you to feel comfortable and that it isn’t likely to be any time soon. However, you understand if that doesn’t work for him and if he wants to end things.

Has his recent behaviour changed the way you feel about him?

I don’t think his comment was great at all. I can also see how six months and being ok with other forms of intimacy and sharing a bed has probably led him to believe that sex would be on the cards - particularly as you haven’t shared all the details of why.

I think you should end it because if he’s as kind, patient, loving and generous as you say he is and you still don’t trust him enough to have sex after six months I don’t think he’s right for you. There must be something that is still making you feel unsafe and now it’s getting to frustration and arguments which will put you back.

He isn't right for you, otherwise you would be feeling much comfortable and attracted to him. End the relationship.

Agree with all of this and I am shocked by some of the comments here. Yes he may have been ‘patient’ so far, but repeatedly trying to initiate sex when he knows you’re not ready and making nasty comments about it is absolutely not on. He knows the situation, he knows sex is a very difficult thing for you, and he therefore knows fine well that repeatedly trying his luck in the hopes that you’ll eventually give in is putting you in a very upsetting position.

He’s free to leave any time he wants if the situation isn’t working for him, but some of these comments are extremely icky in suggesting that you should either give this poor man the sex he deserves or break up with him.

I don't blame him for the comment, he's not wrong, even though it's incredibly hurtful for you to hear it.

At 6 months, this isn't a new relationship. Cuddling, kissing, sharing a bed, it's intimate and no doubt, arousing. People aren't perfect, we'll all reach the stage of frustration in this situation.

I've been where you are, but they were my issues to deal with. At some point I had to be honest with myself and realise I wasn't relationship ready, nor was it fair to ask someone to wait for me. We just weren't on the same page, and that's ok too.

He’s free to leave any time he wants if the situation isn’t working for him, but some of these comments are extremely icky in suggesting that you should either give this poor man the sex he deserves or break up with him.

Where has anyone said she should have sex with him even though she doesn’t want to?

The suggestions are to break up with him because it’s normal for him to want a sexual aspect to their relationship and that if she isn’t ready for that then it’s probably fairer to both of them to end the relationship.

Could you talk with him about what you are scared of? Ie is it just a mental block to get over the first time etc.

If you do want to have sex again/with him, could you try desensitisation steps or something, there's an example of this in the good doctor TV programme.

This.

He's not a new boyfriend
You're not ready for this relationship

YANBU not to want sex yet, OP. That's entirely your call and your healing is more important than anything else.

With that said, after 6 months I can see why he is wondering when it will be on the cards - and that's the thing with trauma, there is no timeline. But I think you need to be honest about that with him, because I think most people would assume when you say "wanting to wait" that you meant "until you were in a committed relationship where you felt comfortable with one another". As it's been six months and you sleep together in the same bed etc, that would seem like it's been reached. It's also potentially a bit of him feeling hurt, like you don't trust him - that's not a fair or rational response, it's not (necessarily) about him, but wanting to feel wanted by your partner is normal and to not have that because your partner seemingly doesn't feel comfortable enough to have sex with you probably doesn't feel good.

Making a shitty comment at you isn't okay, I don't excuse that. He's clearly frustrated as he has, to him, waited and been patient and wants to take your relationship to the next level and he's responded poorly, but that's not going to help your healing and I think maybe this isn't the relationship for you.

Rather than trying to work towards healing inside a relationship, where you've got the pressure of someone else's timeline and expectations, I think it'd be better to do that on your own (or with a partner but with clear expectations that sex may not be on the cards for a very long time, upwards of 6 months etc). That way you don't need to factor someone else's expectations in, which aren't useful to you.

It's not fair on him and it's not fair on you. You're not ready for a relationship. You need counselling to come to terms with the trauma. It's unrealistic to expect someone to wait indefinitely for normal intimacy

YANBU - but neither is he.

I don't think he's 'pressuring' you, to be honest. You've been together six months and you kiss/cuddle and share a bed, so I can see why he he'd think that initiating something more would be OK and I can see why he's wondering, at this point, if there is a future for your relationship.

I think if I were in his position, and was aware that you'd overcome your anxieties before with someone else to the extent of having a child with them, I would be starting to feel bad about myself.

You've done nothing wrong. He has also done nothing wrong. I just don't think you're ready for a relationship.

Youre not ready for a relationship. No point pretending to him that you might want sex in the future if its something you find traumatic

Why is it OP's job to predict the future and break it off with him?

He has agency, he is at liberty to end things whenever he wants.

Posters are simply responding to the OP as it was her who made the post not him.
It doesn't look like he wants to break it off it looks like he wants to take it further, it's her than doesn't want to

I think he's living in hope.
Sunk costs fallacy and all that.
Six months is not a new relationship, I certainly wouldn't have waited, you need to finish this and maybe get some counselling

well it isnt "not her job". Either one of them breaks it off or they both continue wasting each others time

His comments are shitty but honestly yes I voted YABU.
6 months is a fair wait for sex in a relationship, and I can understand his frustration.
You haven't outlined anything that you're doing to resolve the problem (unless I missed something in the first post) like therapy or anything so do you just expect him to wait forever until you magically become ready? I can only imagine how difficult it is for you, but I think his patience is probably wearing thin, again not that it's right for him to take this out on you, but it's probably building more because you don't seem to be doing anything to address the issue

I'm so sorry, but you're being unfair on him. You're in no place to have a relationship - and sex IS a part of that for most people - and need to let him go.

I agree that this relationship probably isn’t the right one for you since it sounds like sex is a dealbreaker for him, and it’s only going to result in resentment on both sides if he feels rejected and you feel pressured.

I don’t think it’s fair for people to say you aren’t ready for any relationship at all though. Sex isn’t compulsory. Yes, it’s something most people probably want out of a relationship but it isn’t as simple as no sex = no relationship.

If you want to work on yourself and try to get yourself to a place where sex is an option for you again, then that sounds like a great thing to do and there are lots of avenues you can explore e.g. with a therapist that will hopefully help you get there again. But again, it’s not compulsory.

However, it sounds like in future relationships you might need to be even clearer about setting expectations in that department because I get the impression this guy wasn’t fully prepared for just how long he might have to wait and that sex might potentially never be an option.

If he entered into a relationship where it was made very clear that sex wasn’t an option any time soon, and possibly ever, and he knew that there was serious past trauma contributing to that, then it’s absolutely NOT ok for him to repeatedly try to initiate sex. He should know that when you are ready for sex there will be a conversation about that, not think that it’s something that might randomly happen sometime if he keeps trying his luck .But as others have said, it’s not clear whether he knew just what a hard line that was for you, or why that was the case. In which case you definitely need to make sure your boundaries are really clear in future and let partners decide if they’re truly ok with that that means.

I agree best thing all around is to agree to part and hopefully you can access some therapy. You don’t have to have sex you don’t want but 6 months in it’s not unreasonable to want a sexual relationship with your gf. Your story re your ex doesn’t ring true either - you don’t go from happy to split with a baby unless there’s abuse, cheating etc. Fall out of love is what happens years down line. Probably lots to unpick there.

I voted YANBU because sex should only happen when everyone is giving enthusiastic consent.

I completely understand where you're coming from - I have a very similar issue & its caused trouble & upset in every relationship I've ever had - which of course only makes the stress & anxiety around sex worse...

But sadly it's as unreasonable to think a long-term partner should go without sex, as it is unreasonable for them to expect sex from you when you don't want it - this is just a mismatch and you may have to let it go.
Sorry OP.

End it and let him be free to find someone who wants to have a relationship and sex with him.

You could probably do with therapy or some other proactive work to help improve your situation for future relationships

YANBU. He knows why you need extra time and he’s still pushing you. That’s my issue with him. He hasn’t simply entered a relationship and found that there’s no sex and doesn’t know why. You have a reason. Six months really is not a long time to wait when you know someone has experienced something awful. Years ago, men would wait a couple of years to have sex with a woman if they had to - nothing of his is going to fall off and die after six bloody months. If he can’t wait six months without constantly pestering you (insensitive much?!) then let him go. You’d be better letting yourself heal before dating as you need to concentrate on your own needs and not anyone else’s.