new bf pressuring me to have sex (trigger warning)

[RobynsMama]

honestly i know i’m not being unreasonable but i just need to get some perspective. many years ago i was seriously sexually assaulted the after effects of which dominated my life for so many years. i have managed to slowly get over what happened with lots of therapy therapy and i did have a really lovely relationship and had my DD with a man who was so patient and kind and gentle (we just fell out of love and split when DD was still a baby.

ive recently started dating a new man and i was very honest with him at the start about wanting to wait to get physically intimate and the reasons behind it (i didn’t i into a lot of detail because i didn’t want to scare him off because he was so nice and i really liked him) he was so understanding at the time and it maybe lulled me into a false sense of security.

we’ve been dating for almost six months now and i was so comfortable with him, kissing and cuddling and sharing the same bed (which was a huge thing for me but he was so reassuring that he was happy to wait and he said he understood why i wanted to take things slowly)

we haven’t had sex yet and i know that six months is a long time for him to have to wait and he really has been very patient with me but i still don’t feel ready to go any further. recently i think he’s getting fed up with waiting and has started initiating sex when we’re sharing a bed. every time i’ve said no he’s stopped, he’s not actually forcing me into anything but he’s getting more and more frustrated and last night he snapped and said “well you’ve had a kid so you can’t be that scared of sex” he did apologise for that comment as he could see it upset me.

i really like him and he’s so generous and loving but he’s really pushing me now to the point where i’m making excuses not to stay the night because i know it’ll end up with him wanting sex and me having to say no. i know it’s not fair on him but i did explain right at the start that it would take me a long time to feel comfortable to actually start having sex.

it’s getting to the point where i’m thinking i might have to break things off but i really don’t want to. but it’s just not fair on him is it? i wish i could just get out of my head and get it over with so it’s not such a big thing but it’s just so hard for me. i’m so fed up of being like this and it’s ruined relationships i’ve tried to have before and i can just see this going the same way. it’s just rubbish and i feel like it’s all my fault :(

6 months isn’t a new relationship and I totally appreciate that what happened in your past will affect your trust in partners. But it’s clear your boyfriend is growing inpatient and I think it’s quite unfair to keep him hanging. Like many others have said you’re not ready for a relationship and there’s nothing wrong with a single life. This won’t work long term so you’re better being honest with him and ending the relationship now

Have a really honest and fully clothed talk about it. Would it take the pressure off to not be kissing and cuddling in bed, if you’re not ready for the relationship to be sexual? I’m wondering if you feel sexual desire if you haven’t been sexual for a long time, if you masturbate or read erotic books or anything where you can enjoy your sexual feelings safely on your own and whether it could help to explore that (with some support if you need it).

The new 'related threads' function is going to resurrect a lot of zombie threads I imagine.

I think you're not ready. And it's not fair. He wants a relationship that includes sex. You have said yes to sex - but not yet. You sleep with him and kiss him - and then stop. When you know that's what he wants. I'm sorry but that's horrible.

Of course you have an ABSOLUTE RIGHT not to have sex . It is your body. I'm not suggesting anything else - but this is uncomfortable for both of you. Leave him before he feels pushed in to leaving you (when he finally realises that you don't want a relationship with him but just want a cuddly friend)

ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD ZOMBIE THREAD.

@SophieIsHereToday whhhhhy???

Because of the ridiculous new ‘similar threads’ feature that MN has introduced. It’s resurrecting months-old threads all he time.

OP, he’s not that lovely or gorgeous, etc, if he’s not respecting that you’re not ready.

I think you need to sit him down now for another chat, letting know that you’re not ready and you don’t know when you’ll be ready. Then decide what to do, based on his response.

For someone who truly understands your position and is willing to wait, they’d wait a year, 2, knowing that they’re in it for the long haul. if he can’t wait, he needs to know where you stand too, so he can décide.

The only thing I would say is if you’re not ready for sex, sleeping in the same bed overnight, kidding and cuddling is a very bad idea. It sounds like foreplay without sex.

I would definitely stop sleeping over in the same bed while you décide. You had a relationship with someone you trusted fully. This new boyfriend might not be your next one. Perhaps your instincts know this on some level.

Also, don’t you dare make yourself feel guilty for not wanting to have sex. Your body, your choice.

Definitely - I've been caught out by 2 this morning so think I will ignore that function in future!

HikingforScenery. ……. All good advice, SIX months ago. DOH !

Don’t listen to this nonsense, OP.
You deserve someone who is right for you, and you will. We’ll done for not staying in a relationship because you feared you wouldn’t find anyone as good.

Thanks. I didn't see the date when I posted. Mumsnet recommended this after I looked are a previous one..... I hadn't seen recommendations before. Maybe Mumsnet want to thinking about recommending old threads is people don't like it.

It's not as simple as that , this thread was in Trending 😏

Can I please direct you all here :)

www.mumsnet.com/talk/site_stuff/4678030-what-is-this-you-might-also-like-clutter?page=6&reply=121591803

You're being cruel. End it.

Tbh 6 months is a fair time.most guys would not want to wait this long. Maybe some counselling may help you. I think it's not the right time for you yet.

You’re not compatible.
he wants intimacy, and rightly so. 6 months is a long time and if you’re not ready then you’re not, but I would walk away if I was him.

I think if your not ready after 6 months then you are not ready to be in a relationship. It sounds like he has been patient and understanding. I understand exactly where you are coming from, I was sexually assaulted and abused 5 years ago, it had a huge effect on me trusting anyone else, for this reason I have spent the last few years concentrating on myself and my dc, trying to except what had happened and getting used to enjoying my own company. Not all men are abusive or sexual predators. When I meet someone I don’t want to have to explain my behaviour as being a result of the way someone else had treated me, the problem is with me and not the person I am now dating. If I can’t get over what happened in the past and I let it effect my future then I will spend the rest of my life alone.

No one can tell you if this guy is a good one or if he isn’t, but up until now it sounds like he has been understanding and has stuck around because he likes you. If your not ready for a relationship maybe step away or just remain friends?

ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE
ZOMBIE

I'm sorry you still find physical intimacy so difficult.

You always have the right to say no to sex. At the same time, your boyfriend has respected the fact that you aren't ready for six whole months, which is longer than most men would be willing to wait. He is probably wondering whether you will ever be ready.

What do you think? Can you see yourself being ready to have sex with him at some point, or does this feel like a permanent state of affairs in your mind?

If you'd been with this guy for a month and he was getting ratty about the lack of sex I'd say bin him off. But I think having been patient for six months we should do him the credit of not writing him off as a man who just wants to put his own wants before your needs.

How is your relationship otherwise? If you take sex out of the equation, are you happy together? Do you have a good time? Can you see a future in it? If not, end things. If things are otherwise good, perhaps you need to have an honest conversation with him about the sex issue, and where you see things going from here.

I really would recommend you go back to counselling to talk about this with a neutral party. The man who sexually assaulted you already took enough from you. Don't let him take away your chance of future happy relationships because you can't bring yourself to have sex with new partners.

Six months is a VERY long time for him to be patient - tbh I'm not surprised he's getting fed up and frustrated - particularly when there is no end in sight.

I think you've got to talk to him and give him the option to walk away OP with no hard feelings. Normal, adult relationships include sex and if you don't want that or can't face doing it, for whatever reason, it's not fair to keep dangling the possibility in front of partners that one day you might feel ready, but then again maybe not. If I were him, I'd feel like you'd led me on that point and sharing a bed, etc, is just being a tease.

Sharing a bed with him when you have no wish to have sex with him qualifies as cock-teasing. Let him go to find someone he can have a full relationhsip with. You owe him that.

This is starting to get hilarious 😆

After 6 months I don’t think your bf is being unreasonable at all.

You are obviously not ready for an intimate relationship with anyone, I’d say your bf has been very patient but perhaps it’s just not going to work out. It’s unfair of you to string him along any further if you cannot be intimate.