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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new bf pressuring me to have sex (trigger warning)

103 replies

RobynsMama · 10/05/2022 00:34

honestly i know i’m not being unreasonable but i just need to get some perspective. many years ago i was seriously sexually assaulted the after effects of which dominated my life for so many years. i have managed to slowly get over what happened with lots of therapy therapy and i did have a really lovely relationship and had my DD with a man who was so patient and kind and gentle (we just fell out of love and split when DD was still a baby.

ive recently started dating a new man and i was very honest with him at the start about wanting to wait to get physically intimate and the reasons behind it (i didn’t i into a lot of detail because i didn’t want to scare him off because he was so nice and i really liked him) he was so understanding at the time and it maybe lulled me into a false sense of security.

we’ve been dating for almost six months now and i was so comfortable with him, kissing and cuddling and sharing the same bed (which was a huge thing for me but he was so reassuring that he was happy to wait and he said he understood why i wanted to take things slowly)

we haven’t had sex yet and i know that six months is a long time for him to have to wait and he really has been very patient with me but i still don’t feel ready to go any further. recently i think he’s getting fed up with waiting and has started initiating sex when we’re sharing a bed. every time i’ve said no he’s stopped, he’s not actually forcing me into anything but he’s getting more and more frustrated and last night he snapped and said “well you’ve had a kid so you can’t be that scared of sex” he did apologise for that comment as he could see it upset me.

i really like him and he’s so generous and loving but he’s really pushing me now to the point where i’m making excuses not to stay the night because i know it’ll end up with him wanting sex and me having to say no. i know it’s not fair on him but i did explain right at the start that it would take me a long time to feel comfortable to actually start having sex.

it’s getting to the point where i’m thinking i might have to break things off but i really don’t want to. but it’s just not fair on him is it? i wish i could just get out of my head and get it over with so it’s not such a big thing but it’s just so hard for me. i’m so fed up of being like this and it’s ruined relationships i’ve tried to have before and i can just see this going the same way. it’s just rubbish and i feel like it’s all my fault :(

OP posts:
Blarting · 11/05/2022 22:19

SeedyBloomer · 11/05/2022 12:41

YANBU. He knows why you need extra time and he’s still pushing you. That’s my issue with him. He hasn’t simply entered a relationship and found that there’s no sex and doesn’t know why. You have a reason. Six months really is not a long time to wait when you know someone has experienced something awful. Years ago, men would wait a couple of years to have sex with a woman if they had to - nothing of his is going to fall off and die after six bloody months. If he can’t wait six months without constantly pestering you (insensitive much?!) then let him go. You’d be better letting yourself heal before dating as you need to concentrate on your own needs and not anyone else’s.

Six months is really a long time, it's irrelevant that "men used to wait two years". Sex is no longer deemed wrong outside marriage.

OP is not happy with him wanting sex, he's not happy with her not wanting sex. I can't understand the sleeping in the same bed and not having sex. It's a relationship that's not working for either of them.

It needs to be ended!

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/05/2022 22:32

Lots of good responses. It’s not going anywhere. When you started dating did you think after 6 months you’d still not be having sex? Do you think he had any idea it would be that long? Sex is important to a lot of people and sharing a bed with someone who wants to cuddle and be intimate but not have sex sounds really awful.

Everydayisabadhairday · 11/05/2022 22:35

I don't think he seems nice at all. He's pressurising you despite telling you outside the bedroom that he's happy to wait then made a bitchy comment when you said no. Move along.

Zemw · 11/05/2022 22:40

You don't want sex and that's absolutely fine, but sex is normal.

You need to let him go.

Googlecanthelpme · 11/05/2022 22:42

His behaviour is definitely on the unreasonable side because what he should have done is realise that you’re not on
the same page and so rather than pressuring you he should have ended the relationship.

It’s not unreasonable he wants to have sex and you’re not unreasonable to not be ready for that yet.

Hes letting himself down by heading down this passive aggressive route, I would guess his ego and self worth is taking a bit of a beating.

Id step back OP, work on yourself a little more, take the lessons and try again when it feels right

SophieIsHereToday · 17/11/2022 04:11

romdowa · 10/05/2022 07:35

I'm going to go against the grain here and tell you to end it because this guy doesn't seem all that nice. He keeps trying it on, even though you've explained you aren't comfortable. That would give me the ick and make me feel unsafe , as for his nasty comment, I'd have left there and then. I do agree though that it sounds like you aren't ready for a relationship, not because of the issues with sex but because I think you need to work on your confidence and build yourself up a bit more.

I agree with this. It sounds like potential coercion from his side. You don't want to be needing to defend yourself.

It might be reasonable for him to have an adult conversation about what you want from the relationship. But I don't think initiating it when the other person has clearly said no is right. What if he misread the signs, sounds dangerously close to having sex without your permission. Initiating sex is not the same as discussing it and ensuring he has consent. This is wrong.

If your expectations on sex don't align then is not necessarily the right relationship with you both. But that shouldn't be discovered by him pushing you and snapping at you in intimate moments.

Maybe you want a relationship with someone who is asexual. Or perhaps this wouldn't work for you in the long term.

Quincythequince · 17/11/2022 04:25

OP move on and let him do the same.
You are deeply traumatised which is incredibly sad for you.
But he doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship and I don’t blame him for getting frustrated tbh.

AgentJohnson · 17/11/2022 04:38

Your expectations of what ready means are very different and you need to accept that, If you continue to let this man push your boundaries you will only set yourself back from being ready. Please, please, please don’t let yourself be pressured and accept that you have gone as far as you can with this man. Remember, you don’t owe this man sex, even after six months.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you

LateAF · 17/11/2022 04:47

SeedyBloomer · 11/05/2022 12:41

YANBU. He knows why you need extra time and he’s still pushing you. That’s my issue with him. He hasn’t simply entered a relationship and found that there’s no sex and doesn’t know why. You have a reason. Six months really is not a long time to wait when you know someone has experienced something awful. Years ago, men would wait a couple of years to have sex with a woman if they had to - nothing of his is going to fall off and die after six bloody months. If he can’t wait six months without constantly pestering you (insensitive much?!) then let him go. You’d be better letting yourself heal before dating as you need to concentrate on your own needs and not anyone else’s.

But what happened years ago is not relevant to the present day.

And years ago courtship to marriage would often happen in less than 6 months. Years ago it was normal and expected for eligible bachelors to
visit brothels and have mistresses - it was only
the ladies that were expected to remain celibate until marriage.

In any event, OP is not living in the 1800s or 1950s. I really empathise with her predicament but agree with other posters that she’s either not ready for a relationship, or that her boyfriend is not right for her if after 6 months she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to have sex with him.

MaryHadALittleLam · 17/11/2022 04:50

Surprised and saddened by the responses on here

He's clearly trying to have sex by coercion. He knows her position. But yet tries it on and it's angry when rejected.

You doing owe him sex. It might be that you aren't sexually compatible. But his actions are wrong

MNHQ edited this post at MNer's request

MaryHadALittleLam · 17/11/2022 04:51

*you don't owe him sex

PissedOffAmericanWoman · 17/11/2022 05:11

Normally I don't take the guys side in this situation but it really isn't fair to him. Just break up. You're grown adults not 16. Six months is a really long time to wait. I'm sorry that you've been sexually abused though that is really awful but you need to work through your trauma before dating.

vodkaredbullgirl · 17/11/2022 05:51

Please look at the date and it is their only post, no reply from OP at all.

Pythonese · 17/11/2022 06:24

He needs to move on. In fact he should have done so months ago.

Pythonese · 17/11/2022 06:26

Bugger, didn’t notice the date.

Beeboppy · 17/11/2022 06:27

it sounds like you’re not ready for a relationship as others have said, but if you feel you do want to try to progress with this guy and this is more about not being able to have sex due to old fears rather than not wanting to - then perhaps you could together try some sex or relationship therapy? Perhaps a counsellor would have some practical suggestions for a way forward? If you just don’t think you’ll ever want to have sex with this guy then yes end it, that isn’t what people generally enter in to long term relationships on the basis of. You may find some guys who are not so bothered about a sexual relationship whom might be an option in the future?

Pythonese · 17/11/2022 06:33

Zombie

boysarethebest · 17/11/2022 06:40

Agree with everyone else, six months is ridiculous, let the poor man go. He's been very patient and caring but it's totally understandable that he would like sex with his girlfriend. You are clearly not ready for an intimate relationship and I totally get his point about children too.

tara66 · 17/11/2022 06:49

You do not seem to be sexually attracted to him - perhaps that is the problem.

Endofmyteatherr · 17/11/2022 07:03

I think the choice is for OP to make really. The man obviously doesn't know the full background which I don't see any point OP telling him at this stage as things needs to end and she needs to be the one to do it.

The man does have a point about how did you manage with your ex?

MelchiorsMistress · 17/11/2022 07:09

Sex is a normal part of relationships. It’s not fair for Thai guy to be criticised just because he wants what’s normal. After waiting six months, he’s shown he’s understanding but at this point, you are just stringing him along.

It’s him that would be better off without you. All this ‘when I’m ready’ stuff sounds a bit ridiculous for an adult. You either want a sexual relationship with your partner or you don’t. It is mean to expect someone to wait for an undefined amount of time with no indication of when things might improve. You’re taking the piss out of him.

Pipsquiggle · 17/11/2022 07:13

Do you honestly think that more time in this relationship will get you wanting to have sex with OH?

If you do, I think you need to be transparent with him by telling him everything that happened to you, if you think you can trust him.

It sounds like he is a decent bloke TBH. You've experienced trauma that is still impacting you. He wants an intimate relationship with you. Neither of you are BU.

pallidbat · 17/11/2022 07:22

Finding it interesting (genuinely, not in a bitchy way) how people's responses are different here on what constitutes a new relationship.

If someone says they have been with their boyfriend 6 months and are going to introduce their child to them it's mainly (not solely, but very much the majority) "you barely know this man, you've been together 5 minutes and now you're putting your child at risk for the sake of your sex life". Here 6 months is a well established relationship... As I say, interesting!

Anyway OP I agree with a couple of posters who have said that it doesn't sound like you're ready. You're treating sex as something that you owe to him and you will have to "give in" at some point so that it's "fair" to him. You need to both want it.

If he decides he doesn't want to wait anymore that's his choice, but it isn't because you have done anything wrong, you're just not compatible. I do wonder though if your spidey senses are subconsciously telling you to keep your distance from this one. He doesn't "have a point" with regards to your existing child, but a man who is frustrated enough to make that comment isn't as caring and understanding as he makes out.

Twiglets1 · 17/11/2022 07:31

He's not being unreasonable.
If you still don't want sex with him after 6 months dating, it may be that being in a relationship isn't right for you at this present time

Pythonese · 17/11/2022 07:35

I wonder what happened in the end. My guess is he got bored with her playing games and pulled the plug on the whole thing. That’s if you believe a word of it in the first place. 🤔