To feel disheartened about life after 40, jealous of people getting married younger!

[earlymidlifecrisiss]

I know this is ridiculous! I'm early 30s, fiancé just turned 40, getting married - I feel jealous of people getting married in their 20s with decades of youth with their spouse to look forward to. I feel like I don't have that and although I am excited for the wedding and to be married I feel a bit like there's not much after that to look forward to, like its all downhill? I'm being ridiculous aren't I? Why can't I shake this feeling?

40 was so old to me growing up, it isn't now but I always imagined turning 40 with my partner after years of marriage but my fiancee has already turned 40 so it makes me feel like I've missed/am missing out somehow!

Heavens, early 30s is no age. Those people in their 20s aren’t much younger than you.

Whats so great about having been married to the same person for umpteen years?

Your relationship is newer, so i dont get why you envy younger couples.

But im not married qnd i dont care.
I do sometimes get flashes where i wish i could go back and do it all better! But it's momentary.

In many ways things get better. Caring less what other people think for one. That frees up so much over thinking!

Try meeting the love of your life when you are 47, we feel robbed of having our own family etc BUT we also know this kind of relationship does not happen often and are just grateful that we found each other. And it certainly isn't just cosy nights in, we revel in life and each other. Off to Europe next week to buy a rustic villa to do up and plan our next decade. Working from home, party weekends, easy trips home, good food, and sunsets.

People getting married in their 20s will mostly be divorced in their late 30s and starting all again, nothing to be jealous about!

I'm glad I didn't get married until my mid-30s. I had loads of fun in my 20s! I really didn't see the appeal of settling down young. And no life isn't all downhill after 40 - I'm 47 and still living a brilliant life, believe it or not. Life is what you make it.

If it was all down hill it'd be pointless getting married. Although I disagree with the person who said people who marry in their 20s would be divorced in their 30s

I spent half my 20s/his 30s together anyway so its not even like we've just met! Its just like this weird feeling where I'm excited for the wedding but then the marriage after feels like, I don't know, I just feel disheartened that we won't be newlyweds with all these years ahead of us but instead him already middle aged and me only just shy of a decade behind..

Cheer up OP, think of all the people who have had a miserable time going through the divorce courts. You haven't settled, you've kept looking for someone special. Have the courage of your convictions.

And life isn't downhill at 40, it gets better. I'm 58 & still dancing, just fewer hangovers, that's all.

Well op isn't much older, I'm sure this consoles her a lot.

I got married and had kids in my 20s. I got married again in my 40s. One hundred times better later in life!

Most people I know that we’re together in their 20s weren’t together in their 30s. I think you have a bit of a sad outlook on life, there is so much to look forward to, personally I think my life gets better each year. I married in my 30s and loved it. I’d probably feel more sad for those who married in their 20s, I was having a whale of a time and couldn’t imagine being married then!

It’s both a little bit tongue-in-cheek in response to the OP’s daftness, and fairly accurate tbh

If you aren't looking forward to being a married person and feel it's all going to be downhill afterwards, what's the point? Are you sure you want to get married?

Also, a newlywed probably only covers the first year of marriage, so I don’t see what the difference is how old you are. What are you expecting to change in your relationship once you’re married? I was with my husband for 5yrs before we married and absolutely nothing changed once we signed the register!

Just because he's in his 40's doesn't mean you are. You can keep him young and be young like you are! If you associate certain activities with being young eg. Parties, keeping fit, festivals, enjoying yourself etc. you've got it very wrong! Make sure you keep your own friends and interests and enjoy the love you have.

I don’t really think 30s and 40s are that much different, just depends on the person.

You’ll get older whether you’re married or not. You’re being weird.

I don't usually like to tell people to look on the bright side but I am going to make an exception for you!!!

• Some people get married when one of them is dying
• Some people never fall in love
• Some get married and divorced in a year
• Some can't bring their spouse to the UK due to the horrible immigration rules
• Some can't marry the love of their life because they live in countries where same sex relationships are banned
• Some are forced into marriages they don't want

I really hope you can enjoy many years ahead of you after you get married

I got married for the first time in my 20's. It wasn't great. I outgrew him and because I met him when I was very young it took me a while to recognise it was actually an abusive relationship.

Married my second husband when I was 32 and he was 41. It's the best thing ever! We met as fully formed adults and we have a much better relationship because we really knew who we were and what we wanted from marriage.

Thanks for the shake - I'm not choosing to feel this way I just have been a bit flat about it all which is sad as I should be giddy. I feel like I'm 20 still so I think I get scared thinking we only have a decade of marriage until he's 50 (but then what will magically change then?!) We've got it so good too, one smashing kid and both want more, love our dogs, we own our house and we both love it so much, we live in a lovely part of the world, financially comfortable, can afford nice holidays and luxuries, I've got it better than I could of imagined growing up. I think I've become a bit ungrateful to it all. I should be excited shouldn't I!

I mean, assuming that you like the man you’re marrying, presumably you have quite a lot of things to look forward to post wedding, like spending time with him? He’s 40, he’s hardly in the queue for the nursing home

I think happiness lies in gratitude for what you have.

im in your envied group, met dh at 19, married at 22, which I’m sure is very unusual. I felt robbed of having the time on my own I had imagined. No independent travel, no years to build a career while free to live anywhere, only have myself to please.

But I fell in love with a lovely man who is kind and supportive and that’s what’s important. Few people’s lives are as they’d imagined them, love and relationships and families are messy. I really think there’s peace to be found in accepting that, accepting the hand life has dealt you and making the best of that. What’s the alternative? No one gets a do over.

What a weird thing to moan about. Do you have any proper problems?

If you'd got married in your early 20s then you'd still be in your early 30s now. It sounds like you've been with your partner a while; nothing really changes when you get married anyway! Would you really have enjoyed your late 20s more if you'd been married rather than just in a relationship? I don't think so.