To feel disheartened about life after 40, jealous of people getting married younger!

[earlymidlifecrisiss]

I know this is ridiculous! I'm early 30s, fiancé just turned 40, getting married - I feel jealous of people getting married in their 20s with decades of youth with their spouse to look forward to. I feel like I don't have that and although I am excited for the wedding and to be married I feel a bit like there's not much after that to look forward to, like its all downhill? I'm being ridiculous aren't I? Why can't I shake this feeling?

You have been together since your mid 20s and effectively married as you have a house and child together! Yes, YABU.

I think I get it. There was a similar age gap between my and my ex. I remember thinking how much I loved him but also really aware that our interests might change because of it. In my case my fears were legitimate - after we got married he had no interest in doing anything and just wanted to stay in every night. Could it be cold feet?

I can't imagine him entering pipe and slippers territory anytime soon, we kayak and sup a couple of nights a week and love a holiday but also do love a laze on the sofa in the evenings so our interests are matched. If he did just decide to become a boring miserable sod I would probably just divorce him 😁I obviously don't want to, but I have enough people in my life who divorced when they stopped working to be realistic! This is romantic thinking just before the wedding!

YABU I’ve always said I’d never get married before I’m 40.

You are young for such a short amount of time and you literally have your whole life to be married.

I know many people who feel down if they get married and have DCs too young as they feel they’ve already done everything so there’s not much to look forward to.

There was a thread about it and it was really sad to read how many people are already fed up with how monotonous their lives are.

To be honest its grass is greener isn't it! When I was late twenties I was buying houses and having babies and definitely had moments thinking "I should be pissed in some bar on a greek island" but then had friends who were single and going out who would say to me that they were bored of nights out and hangovers and just wanted to meet someone and settle down!

Is the problem that you don’t actually want to marry him?

I know what you mean, sometimes I'm a bit sad that I didn't meet my husband young enough to be one of those old couples you see talking about how they met at 14 and have been married for 70 years. Then I hear about what he was like as a teenager and realise that actually I would have given him a total body swerve at that age as we were both total twerps so thank goodness we met old enough to turn into decent human beings...

Even though you say 40 was older to you when you were younger, you're forgetting people were retiring at 60 and not living as long.
40 is no age these days.

You don't have to be giddy or excited either - you have been together a while and it is only a wedding.

Getting married is not that big a deal. Loving someone who loves you back is a big deal.

Maybe you are not that arsed about marriage?

Sorry but I think you you are being ridiculous

40s are the best decade

IMO! You know who you are, what you like, you have masses of energy

Same for 50s actually

Being "old" is a bit of a mindset thing. Some people tell them self they are old, but I know some cool people in their 70s and 80s with a real sense of adventure and fun

My father in law is 71 years old and is building a house. The doctor said they would still class him as middle aged.

l married DH in 2019 when I was 34 and he was 36 and nothing changed in our relationship beyond legally but nor did we expect it too. We still love life and certainly don’t consider ourselves over the hill.

People who got married 20 years ago are probably bored by now or divorced!

Haha, I can think of a few instances of that!

I get it OP. I'm 50 and haven't met anyone yet, but I always think if I ever do we'd only have a decade or two together if I'm lucky (which I'm not lol). Makes me sad that I didn't get to form memories and share experiences with someone in my 20s/30s/40s.

I have a friend who met the love of her life when she was late 20s and always said she wished she'd met him 10 years earlier as it made her sad that she had less time with him. I didn't get it at the time, but now in my 50s and still single I absolutely get it.

I used to feel that I needed a witness to my life, but not any more. I've grown out of that thankfully because I do remember it. It felt sad that 'he' was missing. Now I feel that I'm supposed to see my own experiences through my eyes.

What’s being married got to do with it? Especially since you’ve been together since your 20s anyway?
DP’s parents have been together since they were in their 20s, now in their 50s and never actually married, they still got to enjoy decades of youth together

Me too. I remember being in my late teens, toying with changing my name by deed poll then thinking “No need, I’ll be married in a few years so it’ll be changed then.” Thirty plus years on, I’m still waiting to get married and still waiting to change my name.

Whilst I was never one to daydream about my “perfect” wedding, I’ve always wanted to wear a pretty frock. However, at my age, taking into account my distinct lack of beauty (not to mention my overweight body), I’d look ridiculous in a long white dress. Makes me sad that I’ll never wear one. I used to have a part time job in a bridal shop - I should have taken that opportunity to try on a wedding dress!

This ^ - absolutely, a much higher percentage of marriages in under 30s are ultimately unsuccessful than marriages in over 30s.

Listen, I got married at 29 and was widowed at 34. Just stop worrying and enjoy the life you have.

Tbh, it’s slightly concerning that you’re feeling like this just before getting married. Are you sure you want to go ahead with it? As PP’s have pointed out, you’ve already had several years together, a child, and now you’re wondering whether the best is already past?

You only get loads of years together if you both live that long and during that time don't decide you hate each other. Doesn't matter what age you marry at if thos things interrupt.

I got married at 19 (yikes, I know). I’m still married to the same man at 39, but I’m always envious (possibly wrong word, more curious) of those lovely ladies who were completely free in their 20’s without needing to consider anyone but themselves.

I suppose it’s one of those grass being greener things.

If it makes you feel any better, in the old days lots of men (especially the richer ones) were already in middle age when they were getting married and nobody seemed to care so it’s hardly something new. If anything it’s your age that would be thought of as approaching spinsterhood. Is that the kind of thing you want people thinking?

But seriously from the sounds of it you already have a kid and a life together just not the marriage - such is modern life for some. If marriage was that all important then you would have done it earlier, because you’ve already been living “as married” for years by the sounds of it.

@Aussiegirl123456

If it helps, I wasn’t having much fun in my twenties till I was married, I tried too but honestly it kind of sucked being dicked about (literally) till I was married. If your the marrying kind of girl that sort of life really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

That whole sex and the city lifestyle is fine as a fantasy, but the reality is just damn depressing unless your a really outgoing person who can take endless disappointment and upset I think.

@Ameliarosethistle

Really? I’ve read the opposite. Even more when you consider many 30’s marriages will be second time marriages (and the divorce rate decreases for the already divorced).