Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disheartened about life after 40, jealous of people getting married younger!

99 replies

earlymidlifecrisiss · 09/05/2022 19:03

I know this is ridiculous! I'm early 30s, fiancé just turned 40, getting married - I feel jealous of people getting married in their 20s with decades of youth with their spouse to look forward to. I feel like I don't have that and although I am excited for the wedding and to be married I feel a bit like there's not much after that to look forward to, like its all downhill? I'm being ridiculous aren't I? Why can't I shake this feeling?

OP posts:
Villagewaspbyke · 10/05/2022 04:41

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/05/2022 19:10

People getting married in their 20s will mostly be divorced in their late 30s and starting all again, nothing to be jealous about!

This

Mirrorball2022 · 10/05/2022 05:31

Why do you seem to think your husband is suddenly going to be old and boring in his 40s? Honestly as a couple we are no different in our forties to thirties. I can’t do shots etc on nights out but we still live life.

I may be a bit creakier than I was but mentally no different. You don’t turn 40 and suddenly become middle aged.

Be thankful you have someone that you want to grow older with, or do you? Is this pre wedding jitters?

cookiemonster2468 · 10/05/2022 05:43

Well it's a bit cliche, but the longer you spend sitting around feeling bad about it all, the less time you will have to enjoy your life. And yes I think you are being a bit silly to be honest.

You are not that old (neither of you are!) Some people meet their spouse in their 20's, some people meet in their 50's, 60's, 70's and older!

Try to enjoy what you have in life rather than feeling bad that it is not your perfect ideal.

Omega33 · 10/05/2022 05:56

I would understand your point about having fewer decades together if you'd only just met. But you already have spent years together, and have a child and house together. What do you think that marriage is going to change?

Maurepas · 10/05/2022 06:33

Don't you know the saying - '' Aging is better than the alternative'' ? i.e. death?

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2022 06:39

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/05/2022 19:10

People getting married in their 20s will mostly be divorced in their late 30s and starting all again, nothing to be jealous about!

bitter much? 😂

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 06:53

I find this outlook pretty depressing.

As others have pointed out, getting married in your 20s is nothing to envy. A lot of these couples will have split within a decade and who would want to be married that young?

Think you have dodged a bullet.

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2022 07:00

She’s been with her partner since her twenties anyway, they just haven’t got married yet?

AMegaPint · 10/05/2022 07:05

He's only 40 for god sake! Hardly a geriatric! You could have another 50-60+ years of marriage!

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 08:03

berksandbeyond · 10/05/2022 07:00

She’s been with her partner since her twenties anyway, they just haven’t got married yet?

I know just I find it depressing that marriage is apparently the only thing she thinks can bring her joy. So much else to do in your 20s. Why tie yourself down with one person and with the bureaucracy and faff of marriage that young….

Horst · 10/05/2022 08:13

I do love the people overlooking the fact they met and where together in her 20’s when quoting that those married in their 20’s and likely to divorced by late 30’s. Might as well skip the wedding op with those predictions.

seems to be some smug (or bitter) 30 plus first time weds is it like the first wife club but for over 30’s only?

MinnieMountain · 10/05/2022 08:16

What a strange attitude.
I’ve been with DH since we were 19 but we got married at 32 and had DS when I was 34. According to you, those first 13 years of our relationship wouldn’t count.

starrynight21 · 10/05/2022 08:19

I met DH at 43, we got married when I was 48 and he was 54. Couldn't be happier, every day is an adventure. There is no need to write yourself off after 40 !

Snowflakes1122 · 10/05/2022 08:24

YABU, and you have plenty to look forward to. You found someone you love and are getting married. This is a blessing at any age, because not everyone is lucky enough to have that.

My cousin is getting married for the first time at 44 years old. She has never been so happy.

Changechangychange · 10/05/2022 08:29

If you wanted to get married in your twenties you could have done, you were together and buying houses/having kids so obviously in a serious relationship.

Bit weird to make the choice to delay marriage until after the house and kids, and then feel sorry for yourself that you chose not to get married earlier.

Darkstar4855 · 10/05/2022 08:34

I think you are putting too much emphasis on getting married tbh. It’s not some magical milestone that changes your relationship and your life together afterwards. The “being newlyweds” thing is a bit redundant when you’ve been together for years and have a child. Just look at it as a big party and a chance to celebrate your love. It doesn’t matter how old you are!

MadHater · 10/05/2022 08:38

I know just I find it depressing that marriage is apparently the only thing she thinks can bring her joy. So much else to do in your 20s. Why tie yourself down with one person and with the bureaucracy and faff of marriage that young….

This is not even the prevailing attitude I'm society anymore so im not sure why it bothers you. The only thing the can't do anymore is shag other people- everything else can still be done whilst married😑

I can only assume people who care this much are feeling FOMO about marrying later, and wish they found the right person (their current partner) earlier. People love to insist others are miserable or missing out - they're not.

MadHater · 10/05/2022 08:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 06:53

I find this outlook pretty depressing.

As others have pointed out, getting married in your 20s is nothing to envy. A lot of these couples will have split within a decade and who would want to be married that young?

Think you have dodged a bullet.

Whatever makes you feel better. Can really be said for any couple. People split all the time, it's a case-by-case basis with these things.

SallyWD · 10/05/2022 08:40

As you were together, with a child in your 20s I really don't understand what you're upset about. You settled down in your 20s (which you seem to think is important) and you have several decades of life to look forward too. You think you should be feeling giddy about the wedding? I got married in my 30s after having kids. I didn't feel giddy. Happy and content, yes but not giddy. We already had a house, children etc.

I keep thinking of that poor lady in the news. The BBC woman who's just been moved to a hospice and will shortly die of cancer aged 40, leaving her children without a mother. And you're feeling low about your life when you have everything you could possibly want?

minuette1 · 10/05/2022 08:53

HollyBollyBooBoo · 09/05/2022 19:10

People getting married in their 20s will mostly be divorced in their late 30s and starting all again, nothing to be jealous about!

I agree with this - many couples I know who married in their twenties are now unhappily married as they have both changed so much, or have divorced. People's brains and character don't stop developing until they are 25, so it's better to wait until you are at least 30 or so to get married (purely my opinion!). It's a shame that your fiance is that much older than you, that fact that you are so focussed on that though makes me think you might be getting cold feet?

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 08:55

@MadHater

When posters attribute the motivation for any argument to jealousy or FOMO it’s a fairly reliable indicator that they just have no empathy or capacity to see the other side of an argument.

pixie5121 · 10/05/2022 09:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

MadHater · 10/05/2022 09:31

Thepeopleversuswork · 10/05/2022 08:55

@MadHater

When posters attribute the motivation for any argument to jealousy or FOMO it’s a fairly reliable indicator that they just have no empathy or capacity to see the other side of an argument.

That makes no sense, armchair psychologist. FOMO is a real thing, and people who are 'sad' for others for getting with their partner earlier clearly have FOMO. Those who tell themselves young couples are all getting divorced and miserable to make themselves feel better are jealous. Nothing to be embarrassed about, though, I don't judge you

MadHater · 10/05/2022 09:32

@Thepeopleversuswork

BibliophileYogiGirl · 10/05/2022 09:40

Just a bit confused by all those saying that most people who marry in their 20s will get divorced? Any statistics to back this up? Also, as another PP has said, OP has been with her fiancé since she was in her 20s and also, lots of people are with partners for the majority of their 20s and then marry in their 30s. Are these people and OP also likely to get divorced? A bit of a bizarre outlook