To feel disheartened about life after 40, jealous of people getting married younger!

[earlymidlifecrisiss]

I know this is ridiculous! I'm early 30s, fiancé just turned 40, getting married - I feel jealous of people getting married in their 20s with decades of youth with their spouse to look forward to. I feel like I don't have that and although I am excited for the wedding and to be married I feel a bit like there's not much after that to look forward to, like its all downhill? I'm being ridiculous aren't I? Why can't I shake this feeling?

I met my H at 21, married at 27.

At 40 I left him after years of relatively low level but persistent emotional abuse and control.

Tbh the years since have been relentlessly crap but that's just life and bugger all to do with my age. I'm closer to 50 now and still hopeful of a happy, exciting future, looking to change my career and start dating again.

You are getting hung up on numbers that really don't matter...just crack on and enjoy your relationship and your wedding.

OP - I sense something unspoken in your posts. Maybe it's not that you wish were getting married in your 20s but more a worry that your youth has gone. Do you feel you're getting older and worry that your partner is already middle aged? Do you have any cold feet about getting married? This is just the underlying feeling I get. I was the same in my 30s - thinking I was old, thinking that life becomes very dull in your 40s and 50s, thinking that there was nothing to look forward to. I really believed that all the fun and passion in life was gone because I was no longer a teenager/young adult. As a 47 year old I can tell you life's great. Especially as my children get older, I feel more like me again. Lots to look forward to!

I’m similar to @SallyWD, I assumed that life would get more boring in my 40’s and 50’s, but I’m 48 and it definitely hasn’t! I’ve really enjoyed my 40’s with older children ( now teenagers) and more freedom.

if anything, I’d say DH ( he’s 50) and I are happier now than when we met in our 20’s, we’re more mature, of course , so less silly arguments and we have more money to enjoy ourselves.

Interesting. I definitely wish he was my age rather than older, obviously the more years together the better and less fears of him aging quicker or losing him younger. I can’t change that though and it’s not worth breaking a happy family because of numbers! Yes perhaps that is part of it. Looking at two twenty somethings getting married and thinking they have 15 odd years together until they hit fourth then I panic as he is already there. Silly though really as nothing has to change and I was with him through most of his thirties.

And yes to whoever said fear of again, I do dread the thought of getting older, watching him get older too, it’s all daunting to me!

No they won't!

Agree. My mum was 20 when she married my dad and they are still happily married after 43 years. My aunts and uncles were the same.

And even if a couple who meet at 20 divorce at 30... so what? People meet at 30 and divorce at 40, too. There's people who meet at any age who divorce, or stay together til death.

@MadHater

Those who tell themselves young couples are all getting divorced and miserable to make themselves feel better are jealous. Nothing to be embarrassed about, though, I don't judge you

Thanks for your graciousness in sparing me from your wrath, oh wise and beneficent poster. You obviously know better about everything. Including the motivations of people you don't know from Adam.

😂

You're welcome. Young couples don't split based on your will, o mighty one.

Most bizarre thread and OP I have ever read.

Cliche but none of us know what’s around the next corner. What purpose is served by such navel gazing? Do you work? Have things that bring you pleasure? Have friends and family? Do you enjoy acquiring new skills?

Seriously - what’s the point of even articulating these thoughts? There’s no advice to be given. You sound lacking in maturity.

Do you actually want to marry him? Is that what this is about? If not you are very lucky and need to get grip.

Yes, I don’t get any of it.

Nobody HAS TO be in a relationship at all. There’s a whole wide world out there.

@pixie5121 I get your point, but many people who get married still do those things, admittedly with their other half. I did, and I know plenty of other people who have lived and worked abroad as couples. Some people simply prefer doing things as a duo - my BIL and his wife, for example, relocated to an Asian country 10 years ago and they're not coming back!

I do understand that it's not quite the same as doing things solo, but not everyone wants to, IYSWIM, they're better as part of a team.

I had 16 days of marriage OP, husband died at 35.

Get a grip. Please.

OP. Kindly: you’re being a complete doofus.

I can understand a slight sadness at not meeting earlier in life, but if you were together from your mid twenties, it's not that.

The age gap will always be there. Have you accepted it? Can you live with it? I met my DH when I was 30 and he was 40. So we had already lived a lot of adult life by then. In a way, yes, I would have loved to have met him sooner. I was single and lonely for a lot of my twenties. On the other hand, I pursued my career and lived abroad, and did exactly what I wanted to do. Likewise he was doing what he wanted, somewhere else.

Now we are 45 and 56 and the age gap is still there. I don't think about it much but then it'll suddenly occur to me how old he'll be if I retire at 65. I doubt I can retire any earlier than that. And I feel a bit sad for the DC having an older father; he was 46 when our first child was born. Of course I wish he could be my age, but he can't, so you just have to accept it. We just enjoy every year and live our lives as best we can. If you love someone, you feel happy you have each other. As ever, comparison will kill your joy, so try not to.

OP you really would benefit from some therapy to help you age well, reduce your feelings of envy, and explore why you are sabotaging your happiness with unhelpful thoughts.

I appreciate what you're saying, what I mean is that everyone's different and not everyone wants the same experiences. My friends, regardless of their relationship status, tend to be "go out and do things" type of people and I definitely find that appealing.

But then I have single family members who do bugger all, even though they could! One I'm thinking of (now mid-40's) has a graduate degree, a successful career. a nice house, etc., she could easily travel the world, work abroad, have interesting hobbies, and basically do whatever she wants. But she hasn't, she's stays close to home and does less than other people who are far more tied down. It seems boring to me, but it's her choice. It takes all sorts! [shrug]

Same in their 30s

I agree that it's possibly more likely for couples in their 20's to divorce due to life inexperience, but I have to say that the absolute worst divorce I've witnessed (and I know the details as the former wife is one of my closest friends) was between a couple who met and married in their mid-30's. It went spectacularly wrong 13 years later and their divorce was so bitter.

It IS surprising given that they both had life and relationship experience, had travelled and done all sorts of interesting things before meeting. You'd assume that they'd know what they wanted in a spouse!

Sorry, OP, I'm not trying to put you off marrying in your 30's! You've known your OH for several years already anyway so it's a different scenario.