To have had no time alone with DH since DS was born?

[Blackbirdsandsparrows]

It actually came as a bit of a surprise yesterday but I realised DH and I have had no ‘alone time’ since having DS. It feels like we have but really it’s just been when he’s asleep (he is 18 months.)

How usual is this? Really hoping we might be able to go out to lunch a couple of times this summer when he’s got time in nursery.

Luckysantangelo35

I think we're agreeing.

Make an effort. Go out as much as you can afford .

and that night outs are fabulous

@Dishwashersaurous

We’re absolutely agreeing! 😊

Surely you would have known you had no one to babysit when you had him? I have 4 kids and haven’t had a break from them in 5 years as no one to have them.

We are the same except our eldest is 12 and you could count on your fingers how many date nights dh have had since she was born.

Your post read very clearly

You are not ready to have your kid looked after by someone else

So yeah. Is it unusual? No. This happens to a lot of women. Is it normal? No.

A night out doesn't have to be expensive. It's summer now - a picnic at the local park after work would be cheap, or a walk in the countryside, or a swim, or loads of other cheap ways to spend an evening.

It's not necessarily the activities that are expensive, it's the childcare that costs the money and that means child-free time is prohibitive for many people.

I think a lot of people don't think about the reality of having children until they're here and it's too late.

Our families don’t live in the uk but they babysat when they visited - luckily monthly by my parents. Once DT’s started nursery at six months, we used the nursery staff once a week as babysitters.

not at £50 a time! Also not sure how comfortable I’d feel about it, I was (am) an older mum so when some friends’ children are teens it may be possible to ask them.

If you aren’t comfortable with a baby sitter why would you prefer teenagers to professional childcare?

Obviously paying for a babysitter can add a lot to the cost of a night but it’s something you do as a treat.

@coffeecupsandfairylights

Agreed. Maybe if they did, far less people would have kids

It's not necessarily the activities that are expensive, it's the childcare that costs the money and that means child-free time is prohibitive for many people

Yes, I get that. But if you're not spending money on, say, a meal out, you can spend it on childcare and do something free.

I've never spent £50 on a babysitter though. Most parents do it for free and we returned the favour.

But many people just don't have £50 in the first place, nor do they have a network of parents willing to trade babysitting duties.

£50 is the weekly food shop for many people, it's just not feasible for them to spend that amount on night of child-free time.

We had a babysitting club when we were younger. Had some sort of voucher system for my NCT class. You got 2 vouchers and paid/ earned one per session. That meant you always had to babysit to get a voucher back, to minimise abusing the system. Tbf we all became firm friends and no one did anything daft like an all nighters. Just standard 3 hour dinners etc

I did babysitting swaps with other Mothers that I met at ante natal classes and then with a work colleague who had a child a couple of years after me. We lived hundreds of miles from family and a lot of our family live overseas. I used to enjoy babysitting at their homes because I used to not feel the need to do chores or anything. So DH and I had our night out and then babysitting felt great.

I then met a friend whose teen DD babysat a couple of times.

We used to go out every couple of months.

Normal here. DS is almost 2 and the only alone time we get is when he's asleep. We also have teenagers so even in the evening we don't get any alone time really.
We don't have anyone who can babysit our son and keep an eye on DD2 (she can be prone to meltdowns due to her autism). Either he's in nursery and we're working or he's at home with one or both of us.
Just the way it is with children.

Would love to know who can only spend £50 on a weekly food shop. 🤪

@Rosebel

doesn’t have to be though.

get the teens to babysit so you and their dad can go for a night out! 🥂

We had 2 friends who I met at mother toddler groups, and one at nct, did "swapsies" on the babysitting. Every other week. No pisstakers, so it worked well.

I think people are struggling to understand why this is a question for you @Blackbirdsandsparrows .

It's part and parcel of having children. So no - unless you have someone else to look after your child, then you don't get time alone (shrugs)

Over time this changes - either you find a network to help with babysitting or child gets older and can go to a friend's for an over night stay etc.

Me and DH went through a rough patch when children were young. Went to couple counselling who gave us ideas for how to connect with each other as a couple when we weren't getting any time to ourselves. We had a couple of nights a week when we had to make an effort for even an hour. We had 2 bad sleepers so we would stay up later than usual just so we could sit together and talk or do something together. It really helped.

Good luck

I know everyone’s circumstances are different but I do think that no time ever without children can for some relationships just wreck them. It’s like you don’t have time to remember why you got together in the first place.

My friend was just too nervous to leave her children with anyone. She had negotiated a great deal with her job but managed one week of work after mat leave. Totally cracked leaving her child at nursery. Left her job and had to pay back her maternity. She first left them for a night with her DH when her children were 5 and 3, I babysat for them and they knew me well.

Not gonna lie not entirely sure what you want from this thread..

OP. I want to go out with DH..

PP.Get a baby sitter..

Op. I'm not paying £50 per night for a baby sitter

Pp.Then stay in

Op.But I want to go out

Pp.Then get a baby sitter

Op.I'm not using a baby sitter I don't trust

Pp. Then stay in.

Well, the reality is that many people can't afford to spend more than that.

When you read the food shop threads on here, many families seem to spend around £50-60 a week for two adults and a child. If that's the budget you're working with, then it's understandable that £50 on a night of baby-sitting seems so far out of reach.

Do you have a group of “mum friends” Nct or suchlike? We formed a rota where each of us would do an evenings babysitter for the next.

That assumes everyone in the group doesn't have family who are willing to babysit, all my Mum friends have family who they ask to babysit so it is always us asking other people to babysit for us but no-one asking us to babysit.

Totally normal. I could count on one hand how many times I had time alone aka gone out with my exh between birth and when they could be left home alone at 11&13

I know, you say this every time I dare post and to be honest, while I used to be really sympathetic to the fact you’ve obviously got it tough I’m getting a bit tired of it.

There was no ulterior sort of motive to posting here, it was just wondering out of idle curiosity what others did and if other parents are managing to get out more than us! As I’ve said, I’m not desperate for a night without DS (a night with uninterrupted sleep, though …) and we will get a bit of time over the summer.

I do have an NCT group but we’ve recently moved so we are a bit further out and the logistics of shuffling babies around would prove a bit difficult. The move was actually what prompted this post as there’s a gorgeous restaurant just round the corner … but I think lunch date for now!