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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have had no time alone with DH since DS was born?

118 replies

Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 08:38

It actually came as a bit of a surprise yesterday but I realised DH and I have had no ‘alone time’ since having DS. It feels like we have but really it’s just been when he’s asleep (he is 18 months.)

How usual is this? Really hoping we might be able to go out to lunch a couple of times this summer when he’s got time in nursery.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 09:42

@Mumdiva99 yes same … we did have grandparents living fairly locally but sometimes had babysitters as well.

It only occurred to me yesterday and so I can’t be that desperate but it will be nice to have lunch out without wrangling a toddler into a high chair!

OP posts:
EthicalNonMahogany · 08/05/2022 09:42

um normal?? The alone time is when he's asleep, as you've said! When you have a 6 year old you don't get time without them either- you have someone else living with you now! I know you're just coming to terms with it and not looking for free babysitting but I can't see why you haven't realised yet!

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 09:43

I also.didn't understand what your question or issue actually was.

Surely you know that you aren't the only person without family support. Thousands of people are the same.

And if you're not comfortable leaving with a stranger then get to know someone

MangoJuice008 · 08/05/2022 09:45

Completely normal. I haven't had any "alone time" with my husband in 4 years apart from when they're at school!

I prefer to be an active parent though than palm them off to grand parents and family etc.

Original poster
Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 09:45

surely you know that you aren't the only person without family support

Possibly on here, not so much in RL. I genuinely didn’t think it was a contentious sort of question in any way. It really was ‘just wondering.’

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 08/05/2022 09:46

Completely normal. We get the odd evening out for birthdays and wedding anniversaries but that's all and we use friends to babysit. Wouldn't feel comfortable using a stranger to babysit. MIL told me about a babysitting circle they were members of when DH and his siblings were little, it was basically a large group of FILs workmates and this man or woman MIL had never met would turn up and put the DC to bed. MIL thought it was great, apparently they were all upper middle class so no chance of abuse happening.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 09:48

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 08:51

Totally absolutely bog standard normal. Either have children or at work.

If you want time alone then need to book a babysitter. So just have to decide if its worth £50 babysitter fee.

Which is absolutely is if you want to maintain your marriage and connection

Original poster
Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 09:49

Do you think so? I mean, like I say we haven’t had any time without him for a year and a half, even at our own wedding, and don’t appear to be struggling.

It would be nice to have lunch out but that’s not so much because we don’t want him there, just that he’s at an age where sitting quietly in a restaurant doesn’t happen!

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 09:50

MangoJuice008 · 08/05/2022 09:45

Completely normal. I haven't had any "alone time" with my husband in 4 years apart from when they're at school!

I prefer to be an active parent though than palm them off to grand parents and family etc.

Wtf? So those parents who do have grandparents look after the kids for a night so you can have a date night are somewhere ‘inactive’ parents?!

What a martyr you sound! No parent gets a gold star award for being with their kids 24/7 you know

maybe time to start investing in your relationship with your partner now. It’s been four years….he matters too, as do you and your relationship. Do it, before it’s too late.

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 09:51

OK. I think I get it now . You've just come out the baby bubble and realised that you could potentially do something without your child.

Looked around and in rl realised your lack of family support and I sudden eek how do we do this moment.

So unfortunately the only answer is you pay. Either in the evening a babysitter or both take a day annual leave when child is at nursery

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/05/2022 09:52

We've used sitters loads from when dd was about 3. We now have found one we just ask ourselves but she came from sitters. They all get referenced etc so I trust them in that respect. You can ask them to come over a bit early so you can see what they're like first.

MolliciousIntent · 08/05/2022 09:53

Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 09:49

Do you think so? I mean, like I say we haven’t had any time without him for a year and a half, even at our own wedding, and don’t appear to be struggling.

It would be nice to have lunch out but that’s not so much because we don’t want him there, just that he’s at an age where sitting quietly in a restaurant doesn’t happen!

I personally think that if you have a decent sleeper who allows you a reasonable amount of time alone together in the evenings post-bedtime, that the whole concept of needing a date night to keep your relationship alive is a bit of a moot point - you're getting time together, it's just not fancy.

In lockdown, DH and I used to put a night in the calendar every few weeks to have a fancy night in. We'd get dressed up, order takeaway, make cocktails and listen to our wedding playlist. Date night! But no babysitter or travelling.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 09:53

Blackbirdsandsparrows · 08/05/2022 09:42

@Mumdiva99 yes same … we did have grandparents living fairly locally but sometimes had babysitters as well.

It only occurred to me yesterday and so I can’t be that desperate but it will be nice to have lunch out without wrangling a toddler into a high chair!

Do it then!!

contrary to what some people on here will tell you it’s not weird or abnormal or un-maternal or whatever to want some time away with your kids just to be with your husband!

it’s normal! Do it and enjoy it - get those cocktails in!! 🍹

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 08/05/2022 09:55

@MangoJuice008 what a bad comment. My DD had to go to family in school holidays sometimes and enjoys it. So do the family. Must be a good view on your high horse

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 09:55

Both of you taking a days leave to go and have a fun day out together sounds a good option as well as the baby sitter option if you want a night out

you have options OP!

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 09:57

It's completely normal to want time away, and lovely as well.

But it is expensive. So you need to balance it against other expenses.

The date night sacrificed for increased energy bills etc.

But when they are little you can do date night at home. Turn off phones and telly. Dress up nicely and eat posh adult food.

Magicfeet11 · 08/05/2022 09:59

We don't have family close so knew we'd need babysitters from day 1. The post natal doula I used is happy to do it and obviously knows the kids so that works well. Also the women from nursery do it too.
I've left them with hotel sitters on holiday from when they were about 6 months old so we could have a nice dinner.
We also do what PP have said and take time of when they're at nursery. In laws are great so when they stay we always go out I'm the evening at least for a drink and a walk!

It all comes at a cost of course but it really does take a village so I'm a firm believer in getting them used to different people and getting us some couple time!

TheNinny · 08/05/2022 09:59

Same. DD is 2.5. Me and DH have had maybe 1-2 ‘dates’ that have been very quick lol. We have family support from DH side (mine are all far away or really frail) but they help with childcare during the week so I’m reluctant to ask unless an emergency. Last time was a local restaurant for my birthday but that was because restaurant didn’t really cater for kids and had no high chair -discovered last minute. So family helped out then. We’ve just got used to having DD with us and make the most of time when she’s asleep - takeaways/movie etc. will likely go out again without DD for birthdays this year as DD in nursery now so we can take time off and get a nice lunch somewhere.

Handsnotwands · 08/05/2022 10:00

Do you have a group of “mum friends” Nct or suchlike? We formed a rota where each of us would do an evenings babysitter for the next.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 10:19

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 09:57

It's completely normal to want time away, and lovely as well.

But it is expensive. So you need to balance it against other expenses.

The date night sacrificed for increased energy bills etc.

But when they are little you can do date night at home. Turn off phones and telly. Dress up nicely and eat posh adult food.

@Dishwashersaurous

lets not try and pretend that date night at home is comparable to date night out.

At home you have all the usual distractions, can see all the household jobs that need doing, baby stuff everywhere, reminders of the children, unless a takeaway you have to cook the food and clean up after etc.

In a restaurant there’s none of that plus in a room full of other adults there’s an atmosphere, a vibe which you won’t have at home. you can just focus on each other and really reconnect it and have that quality time it’s so hard to get at home.

The change of scene/environment really helps with that. And I just can’t be arsed dressing up and putting makeup to sit in the house but to do it for a restaurant/bar I definitely would and would enjoy that side of it.

you work to live not just to pay bills!

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 10:23

But lots of people can't simply afford a weekly night out, on top of childcare to work etc. The early years are expensive.

It's a second rate alternative to do it at home, but it is an option

Justkeeppedaling · 08/05/2022 10:30

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 10:23

But lots of people can't simply afford a weekly night out, on top of childcare to work etc. The early years are expensive.

It's a second rate alternative to do it at home, but it is an option

A night out doesn't have to be expensive. It's summer now - a picnic at the local park after work would be cheap, or a walk in the countryside, or a swim, or loads of other cheap ways to spend an evening.

LuckySantangelo35 · 08/05/2022 10:30

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 10:23

But lots of people can't simply afford a weekly night out, on top of childcare to work etc. The early years are expensive.

It's a second rate alternative to do it at home, but it is an option

@Dishwashersaurous Doesn’t have to be weekly, could be monthly or every couple of months even. Point is it can be regular than once every few years which is what some posters are saying, I mean one poster is saying they’ve not had time together like for four years! That’s ridiculous and totally unnecessary

Fupoffyagrasshole · 08/05/2022 10:30

dont you have a friend you could ask or something?? I often babysit for friends and in return they babysit for us in return another time!!

or we plan to go out when my parents visit or we stay with them sometime (they live an hours flight away!)

also I enjoy my evenings with my husband at the weekend even if we are just in the house - baby goes to bed at 7! And we get a take away and make a few cocktails and hang out together - not quite the same as a night out but will take what we can get

Dishwashersaurous · 08/05/2022 10:40

It's the £40-50 for childcare for an evening thats expensive. Not the activities

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