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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that he could meet OW whilst working away.

88 replies

Macbeth8 · 06/05/2022 10:27

Bit of background. I guess I just need some reassurance.
partner had text affair with colleague back in 2018, supposed just text affair as not sure if this could have also been physical. (I will never know)
After a lot of grief and counselling, almost a big separation we patched things up,. He never spoke to OW and when lockdown hit it was easier to confirm this. As his work was very strict and didn't allow any of them to go into the office. Even now, they are still on a reduced timetable for office days.
My concern now is almost 3 years later. He has been put on a training course in the place where the ow lives. (She actually live quite far from the office approximately 34 miles)
I dunno why but my paranoia and fears have just crept back up again and I'm non-stop thinking maybe he would meet up with her? He's staying in a plush hotel and actually I don't think its far from where she lives. I am just so worried and don't know how to broach the subject as it has been so long. I always wondered if they kept in touch but never had any reason to believe so. (had access to check phone etc)
I guess I'm just wondering what is the likeliness of this happening. Could they rekindle? It was quite intense at the time, I was lucky and managed to read all the text messages as he had no idea I knew.
I wonder after so long she still has his number. I know he definitely deleted hers. What does everyone think?

OP posts:

ShaneTwane · 06/05/2022 10:42

My advice is leave. You aren't happy and you will always wonder and worry.

WeCouldBeSpearows · 06/05/2022 10:45

Can you pay him a surprise visit? Turn up and say that you'll meet him for dinner, but don't let him know you are coming in advance? That would work better if he's not going with colleagues.

HeddaGarbled · 06/05/2022 10:47

This is a natural consequence of his behaviour: he’s shown himself to be untrustworthy and therefore you don’t trust him. You should tell him how you’re feeling, IMO. This is his fault and therefore his responsibility to fix it.

Copperpottle · 06/05/2022 10:48

Don't take back cheaters. No one can ever really forgive, they're not worth it, they'll probably do it again and the worrying will poison everything anyway.

TeeBee · 06/05/2022 10:50

Do you really want to live your life like this?

Opaljewel · 06/05/2022 10:52

I personally would speak to him about your worries.

If you've reconciled and he wants to make everything right then he will want to reassure you.

WombatNo12 · 06/05/2022 10:53

So basically you have to keep him in plain sight to not be anxious?

Agree this is no way to leave. As with most things, if the intent was there, then that's the issue, not any acts themselves.

roosnunlilei · 06/05/2022 10:53

TeeBee · 06/05/2022 10:50

Do you really want to live your life like this?

This. How awful for you. Set yourself free.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 06/05/2022 10:56

If he really wanted to cheat he could have a burner phone and be talking to her while you nip to asda. Do you really want to be overthinking his movements for the next 40+ years because he can't keep his knob to himself

Wayfairtwo · 06/05/2022 10:58

WeCouldBeSpearows · 06/05/2022 10:45

Can you pay him a surprise visit? Turn up and say that you'll meet him for dinner, but don't let him know you are coming in advance? That would work better if he's not going with colleagues.

LOL...all of this just to make sure he's behaving??? my gender never seize to amaze me hahahahahahahahaaaa

Coldnoseandtoes · 06/05/2022 11:14

Of course he "could" rekindle things. He's proven in the past that he's capable of deception. Your question is if he would. I agree with PP though this is no way to live, questioning his loyalty any time he's away from you. It's not healthy to live this way. And I don't blame you for worrying about it, fwiw, I would feel exactly the same.

TalkSomeSense1 · 06/05/2022 11:16

I really struggle to understand the mentality of trying to catch someone out who may (or may not) be cheating. The OP following him about and checking phones and turning up at hotels is all so wrong. If you believe he is going to do something wrong to the degree that you are spending time worrying and checking and doubting, then it's not a healthy situation. There is an underlying reason in the relationship that makes someone want/need to cheat. Any relationship ebbs and flows but if you really believe that he will use the opportunity of working away to see someone else, then it's time to have some honest conversations with yourself about what you want and how to progress.

Bunty55 · 06/05/2022 11:17

So would I. It would eat away at me and fester until I rotted from the inside out.
He has caused this to happen.
I don't think I could put up with the cheating in the first place let alone this OP

AzazaelsFury · 06/05/2022 11:22

Of course it's possible. This is the problem with staying after affair. You'll never not wonder when he isn't home. That's the downside of staying you'll never know and you'll likely argue about it if you ask.... Will never trust again. Anyone who's been there can confirm that.

LindaEllen · 06/05/2022 11:22

Whether he does or doesn't isn't the issue here. The point is, you don't trust him enough to accept that he won't.

That means this relationship isn't worth it for you. You will never trust, and you will always wonder.

dworky · 06/05/2022 11:26

This is why, when a partner cheats the relationship is doomed. Once trust is broken, it can never fully recover.

Onwards22 · 06/05/2022 11:29

YABU - he could start things up the OW but he’s just as likely to start things up with someone one.

The OW is irrelevant.
You don’t trust him and you never will be able to.

Its not ok or healthy to be happy that someone’s WFH just so you know they’re not cheating.

Leave and I promise you will be so much happier.

TabithaTittlemouse · 06/05/2022 11:29

You will forever be wondering if he will do this again, what a sad life.

WoodenClock · 06/05/2022 11:36

They could or they could both have moved on, he could be completely reformed or he could have someone else entirely lined up for his plush hotel or he could meet someone there, but that's no way to live and you will always wonder.

AryaStarkWolf · 06/05/2022 11:43

Nobody can answer that OP as I'm sure you know, no one here can give you the assurance you're looking for that your DH isn't going to cheat again. I don't know how people ever get that trust back again once it's lost

VodselForDinner · 06/05/2022 11:48

It’s very likely he’ll contact her.

It’s very likely he’ll do this again with someone else.

It’s very likely you’ll spend your whole life watching for signs.

ServantofthePeople · 06/05/2022 11:51

Trust can recover but it takes longer than 3 years

wonderwoman26 · 06/05/2022 11:52

Hi OP,

I think if we are all honest - is it possible? Yes it is, but anythings possible.

Is it likely? Only you really know this.

It takes a lot to move forward from any sort of infidelity, so hats off to you and how strong you have been tomake it this far. But please dont think that because it has been 4 or so years since this happened, that you dont have the right to bring it back up when you feel uncomfortable about something. Your partner did something awful to you, and you showed him patience, understanding and forgiveness - so he does not get the right to carry on with life like nothing happened.
By this i dont mean it needs lauding over him because he made a mistake, but it does mean that you have every right to seek reassurance when needed, as he is the only reason you feel insecure.

Speak to him, tell him your concerns - his reaction will tell you more than anyone on here can. If you have no reason to believe they are still in contact, and he has given you no reason to believe they are then it may just simply be a concern of yours. But that doesnt mean he cant offer you any support or reassurance.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/05/2022 11:53

dworky · 06/05/2022 11:26

This is why, when a partner cheats the relationship is doomed. Once trust is broken, it can never fully recover.

This is why I ended my marriage. Well, my STB ex husband ended it when he had an affair but I knew that was it for us. Yes, it was heartbreaking and not something I would ever wish anyone to go through but I'm not spending my days wondering where he is or who he is with or if/when he will do it again. That's not way to live your life or marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 06/05/2022 11:55

You are never, ever going to trust this man again. He's a cheat.

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