To think that he could meet OW whilst working away.

[Macbeth8]

Bit of background. I guess I just need some reassurance.
partner had text affair with colleague back in 2018, supposed just text affair as not sure if this could have also been physical. (I will never know)
After a lot of grief and counselling, almost a big separation we patched things up,. He never spoke to OW and when lockdown hit it was easier to confirm this. As his work was very strict and didn't allow any of them to go into the office. Even now, they are still on a reduced timetable for office days.
My concern now is almost 3 years later. He has been put on a training course in the place where the ow lives. (She actually live quite far from the office approximately 34 miles)
I dunno why but my paranoia and fears have just crept back up again and I'm non-stop thinking maybe he would meet up with her? He's staying in a plush hotel and actually I don't think its far from where she lives. I am just so worried and don't know how to broach the subject as it has been so long. I always wondered if they kept in touch but never had any reason to believe so. (had access to check phone etc)
I guess I'm just wondering what is the likeliness of this happening. Could they rekindle? It was quite intense at the time, I was lucky and managed to read all the text messages as he had no idea I knew.
I wonder after so long she still has his number. I know he definitely deleted hers. What does everyone think?

Don't turn up when your spouse is on a work course to check up on them. It's creepy and controlling.

I guess there are certain unique circumstances where ' cheating' might be forgiven and forgotten, but I can't think of any.

If a couple decide to have counselling and ' move on' , they are just committing to a relationship full of mistrust, suspicion and resentment.

You can stay together ' for the family unit', or because you have a nice lifestyle, but there needs to be awareness that the romantic relationship is over.

What you are left with is this - my partner is going away on a training course and I think he might cheat.

This proves nothing though- what if he acts happy she's there, goes to the loo and texts the OW not to meet him. What if they just had sex and she left already? what if he was planning to stop by her house the next day?

You are never going to be satisfied no matter how many times you "surprise" someone if you cant trust them. They may not be cheating in that very moment you turn up, but you cannot conclude from that they arent cheating at all. If you cannot trust them then you cant trust them. Trust is one if the most basic foundations of any relationship- if thats not there then its hopeless.

The issue isn't the training course. The issue is despite all your efforts you still don't trust him. If he wants to cheat on you 34 miles is no distance.

The affair was them flirting in a nutshell. It was easy to follow the affair as I had found the message thread from the moment they spoke to when it ended but didnt let DH know that I was snooping, wanted to collect as much evidence as possible
So it was more office flirting..they never met up outside work. Again, I can't be 100% about this but the whole thread was there for me to read so circumstantial evidence basically
Messages like "are you missing me?"
Or "you looked sexy today" there was never really any talk of then meeting up outside work which I dont understand why as there was definitely sexting going on and him discussing our relationship.

I am sorry you are in this situation OP.

This is precisely the reason why I kicked my cheating exH's sorry ar$e into touch, when I found out he was cheating with a girl at work.

I couldn't ever trust him again, (never mind forgive him) and couldn't spend the rest of my life with him checking his car mileage, monitoring his 'phone calls, examining his underpants etc. etc.

IMO once trust has gone, you have nothing.

Unfortunately, this is the reality of a lot of relationships after an affair and it's exactly why I would never stay with someone if they cheated on me.

You can work at it and try to forgive them but you'll never forget. I just think life is too short to spend the rest of it anxious and worried that he's going to do it again.

You dont trust him - how can you be happy in a relationship without trust? Leave because at some stage the stress of constantly on watch will impact you.

This. In spades. Looking like a mad bunny-boiler by turning up and yelling 'surprise!' isn't going to make anything better.

Without knowing your partner, its hard to tell.

For example, my partner is very calm during serious conversations, holds eye contact well and is usually very affectionate if im upset. If he suddenly was a bit twitchy, defensive or quick to anger - it would raise alarm bells.

You know your partner best, and i assume you will be aware of what he is normally like when youve previously had these conversations.

It may be worth stating that you arent having this conversation with him in an accusational way, but the fact this training course is in OW's area has brought up past feelings and emotions and you want to make him aware of that.
Your gut will guide you as to whether you think his response if off, and leaving you to feel better or worse. If you feel worse, tell him and explain why you dont feel like his answer helped to ease your insecuritys.

Dont apologise hun, i myself have been through a similar situation with my current partner so i know how you feel. The 'leave the bastard you deserve better' comments dont help when you know you want to make things work. Dont feel like you need to 'put on a brave face' - you are feeling this way due to his actions, not yours. You are very much entitled to feel how you feel, please do not suffer in silence. He owes it to you to support, comfrot and reassure you as the person that placed the doubts there in the first place.

Another thing i will add - as easy as it is to say, try not to worry. Whatever will happen, will happen whether you spend 10 hours obsessing over it, or never let it cross your mind. If it will happen, no amount of worrying or fixating will change that - all it will do is ruin your own happiness. Deal with it if its happens, otherwise you are making yourself miserable over something that may never happen x

I haven’t read other replies but I’ve been the other woman in this situation. His gf doesn’t know that I left the company in 2017 and whilst they both blocked me on SM he did unblock me and stayed in contact as friends. We have met up numerous times since to walk the dogs together.

This isn’t what you want to hear, but if he gets the chance I’d put money on it that she’ll be at the hotel if he’s there.

9 years on since I met him and it will never go away.

Basically, you still don’t trust him. Which is fair enough, but it’s no way to live.

You have choices, either you say nothing and live with the fact that you will never really know what he is doing and you will continue to mistrust; you limit his freedom so you know he isn’t cheating but he lives under house arrest; you end it completely with him; or you tell him how you’re feeling and try to work it through. The last option is clearly the most helpful, but you do need to work it out completely. Living under constant mistrust is miserable for you both. Maybe counselling might help.

This is his fault and therefore his responsibility to fix it.

I agree but how is that possible when she’s a work colleague and this is a training course.

At the end of the day OP either has to trust him to go out and spend nights away without resorting to cheating or she has to leave him.

I’m not sure what he can do to prove he won’t cheat apart not cheating - but OP needs to trust him for him to be able to do that.

Are you sure this is a work trip? It seems pretty convenient that it’s in her home town?? Bit strange!

You don't trust him. If you don't have trust, your relationship is dead. You're living a lie. Leave him.

This is very sad to read, you don’t trust him because he’s proved he can’t be trusted. It’s the price you pay when you forgive them.

"I feel like he would just easily lie to me."

OP, there's the true heart of it. You still don't trust him to tell you the truth and not to cheat, years later (and fair enough - I wouldn't either).

A relationship without trust is soul destroying and pointless - if you can't trust the person closest to you, the person who's supposed to be your biggest support and most loyal ally, what on earth is the point of it?

There's no real expiry period on broken trust - if he never did anything wrong ever again, it's not proof he's never going to cheat again. It's just proof he hasn't yet, or that you haven't found it out. Some people may find it easier to decide they can genuinely, truly put it to bed, but lots can't.

Unless you can learn to trust him (and your gut clearly tells you you cannot, so it's going to be hard work) then you're always going to feel like this and it's a miserable way to live.

That is shameful behaviour on your part, and his.

No point talking to him is there, he isnt going to say anything that can meaningfully reassure you. And he wont say sorry dear I was thinking of getting my knob out but after a meaningful conversation with you I've decided not to. Nor will he fuss over you and reassure you.

He will get angry with you.

Then you have a man cross with you who is going away leaving you wondering if hes thinking fuck you I'll do what I want and you're at home stressing out. At best he will punish you for raising it and go away grumpy so you spend the whole time thinking what if and expecting you'll be so upset you'll modify your behaviour and not ask again.

No good comes from talking about this he cant make you feel better.

This is unfortunately the reality of staying.

"I am just so worried and don't know how to broach the subject as it has been so long." Are you worried he will be angry? Well tough if he is........... he was the one in the wrong. You should broach the subject and be totally honest, you still clearly have trust issues and I would be the same TBH. Good luck

Look I get it - don't get me wrong here, this is one of the reasons we went to counselling, We split up for a week and then realised we both wanted to to give the marriage a second chance (BTW, I am married to him with three kids)
I am fully aware that trust is now broken but like others have said trust takes time to prepare and that's the journey I'm on.
Yeah of course lockdown helped because like all marriages it was definitely a testing time to spend 24/7 together but I am pleased to say, we did OK,. We enjoyed our time together, no arguments or anything - not saying that is related to this situation just giving a background as in to perhaps this is why I may be panicking. I WANT to trust him so bad. Trust is there.
But its the association with her that hasn't helped. He's in her hometown alone in a hotel every evening, plenty of time to spare as his work finishes at 5pm and its only a 5 minute walk to the hotel.
He was away 2 weeks before early March in another City and I wasn't paranoid then, no posts written on MN either 😂
I think its just the fact is:
1.) I see where he is (probably 10 minutes from her house)
2.) He's in a grand hotel, finishes his work at 5pm has the whole evening to himself as his colleagues are all in different hotels so they have only met up onc to go out. He was complaining yesterday that he's bored.
3.) There has been no mention of her for awhile, perhaps almost a year? It's just not something I bring up and he doesn't either. Almost like we both avoid that topic.

@Twobecomingthreeplusthedog

That's horrific. Why are you still doing this?!

You’re just going to have to suck it up if this is the journey you’re on.

I’m not…I see him as a friend to walk the dogs.

Nothing physically happened, ever.

But thanks for the judgement ;)

I think you are perfectly reasonable to have doubts. Its not as binary as people think when they say either trust or leave. You obviously made a decision to stay, and had your reasons, but this doesn't come with immediate peace of mind and trust.
But nor does it necessarily mean you have to live without trust for ever. Trust can be regained if and when the person proves themselves enough, and for long enough. But understandably you're not there yet, and may never be.
As for whether he could restart something on this course, well obviously it's possible. If there was a way of checking up on him, in the circumstances that would be useful. He's not really in a position to object if you turned up there, and if he's serious about regaining your trust should accept that that's how it will be until he's proved himself.