To think that he could meet OW whilst working away.

[Macbeth8]

Bit of background. I guess I just need some reassurance.
partner had text affair with colleague back in 2018, supposed just text affair as not sure if this could have also been physical. (I will never know)
After a lot of grief and counselling, almost a big separation we patched things up,. He never spoke to OW and when lockdown hit it was easier to confirm this. As his work was very strict and didn't allow any of them to go into the office. Even now, they are still on a reduced timetable for office days.
My concern now is almost 3 years later. He has been put on a training course in the place where the ow lives. (She actually live quite far from the office approximately 34 miles)
I dunno why but my paranoia and fears have just crept back up again and I'm non-stop thinking maybe he would meet up with her? He's staying in a plush hotel and actually I don't think its far from where she lives. I am just so worried and don't know how to broach the subject as it has been so long. I always wondered if they kept in touch but never had any reason to believe so. (had access to check phone etc)
I guess I'm just wondering what is the likeliness of this happening. Could they rekindle? It was quite intense at the time, I was lucky and managed to read all the text messages as he had no idea I knew.
I wonder after so long she still has his number. I know he definitely deleted hers. What does everyone think?

You dont trust him

Your relationship is over

Time to accept that

This is the downside to forgiveness - that always watching and wondering that is corrosive to both your mental health and your trust in your relationship.

The lockdown has delayed you moving on from this because it's easy to forgive when he's right where you can see what he's doing and who he is speaking to. Now that the world has opened up and we go back to normal he'll be out of your sight, and that's a very uneasy feeling - it reminds you that his cheating really isn't in the past - it will always be in your present and in your future to some extent.

He can cheat anywhere. He can do it on his lunch break or detour on the way home. He can do it on a secret phone or a secret chat app or in any myriad of ways. So you either need to trust he's never going to do that again and stay, or accept that you'll always wonder and worry and second-guess and decide if you want that as your life.

I mean it's possible that any of our partners or husbands are off with another woman or texting someone else right this or minute so yes it's a possibility, but you have to trust them. You don't trust him so I think you should consider if this is how you want to live.

Talk to him. Tell him your worries. See if he reassures you or gets annoyed at your anxiety. His response will tell you all you need to know.

When you say a text affair, I assume you mean he was sexting? Graphic sexual texts and accompanying photographs?

I couldn't live like that OP. Have to have him always within your sight to feel secure, it's no way to live. If you can't trust him then you need to end it.

Is it really worth this mental torment OP? Some people can forgive and move on from cheating, and some can't. If you can't, you will make both of your lives miserable,regardless of what he does. That's not a criticism - just a fact- I know I couldn't forgive. Start living a happier, less stressful, life.

Nobody here will no for sure. My guess would be that the type of affair they had was fuelled by the thrill of secrecy, not being caught, the buzz from sending and receiving texts.

By reading the texts, you will have killed it stone dead for them. There is nothing sexy about a wife reading your sordid texts, going to marriage counselling and picking up the pieces.
If he were to do it again, it would be more likely that it would be with someone new. That’s just my opinion, obviously not necessarily true.

The bigger issue is that you don’t trust him

Absolutely this. You need to speak to him and say that you’re feeling uncomfortable about this trip and he needs to reassure you. Any hint of defensiveness from him means he doesn’t get the seriousness of what he did or the ongoing consequences of that. You have reason to be suspicious and he should accept that and reassure you accordingly.

Having just split up with someone who cheated in 2019, and is now again in contact with the OW, I'm probably somewhat biased.

IMO, if he's done it once, he can and will do it again. My (ex) DP was bloody lucky that I gave him a second chance, but he didn't appreciate it, and at the first tiny bump in the road he was responding to her messages, and discussing our relationship with her.

I trusted him again, and he didn't deserve it. I'll never give anyone a second chance now.

I agree with this, however he can't really 'fix it' to be honest. That's the problem with cheating. Once someone has been untrustworthy, it is hard to 100% trust them again, as OP is experiencing.

OP really you have two choices - stay in the relationship and live with this uncertainty, or leave. It's not possible to have the same level of trust that you had before it was broken. You have to accept that, or go.

I think you need to let this go. Whatever any of us think, you took him back. With that comes the possibility that he will cheat again. You either resign yourself to that possibility or you get out. Worrying over whether he will message her for a hook up years later is no way to live OP.

@wonderwoman

Thank you so much
What reactions do I look out for? I feel like he would just easily lie to me. Is there any advice where I could try ask him certain questions without interrogating if you know what I mean.

@wonderwoman26

Thanks for this response.
I will speak to him tonight when hes back. I dont know what reactions to look out for. Any suggestions?
Sorry im really rubbish when it comes to this..I put on a brave facade but basically am dying inside. :(

Oh OP, this is so sad.

There is no way you can ever know if he is lying to you. There are not sure signs to look out for. If there were, we would not have such long and expensive legal trials.

Cheating can sometimes just be a random opportunity, working away is primed for this to happen. However other times cheating is a manifestation of a problem in the relationship. I think society also has a part to play too, many people do not respect relationships.
Trust is built over time, his behavior was a blatant display of untrustworthy behavior.
This worry the op has is a consequence of his betrayal, even if she leaves this feeling will follow her around to some extent forever.

@Macbeth8 could you maybe ask him whilst hugging him? It may sound daft but liars will often shift their body slightly when lying, and if you're close to him you'll be able to feel this. You could ask him a question which he can reply truthfully and immediately follow this up with a question you think he may lie about.

I get the sense from your posts that you want to trust him, but you're still in the hypervigilant stage, with your mind creating all sorts of scenarios. This is normal, I believe, and you may find yourself in this state for a long time.

Good that he deleted her number. What is the likelihood of her rekindling? Only you can guess at this based on the tone of her messages at the time.

It doesnt mattr really you dont trust him are you going to be like this everytime he goes away

what the point

he has proven that he cannot be trusted. He could meet his lover any time he wants, you only have his word to go on, and you know his word is worthless.

Is ‘dying inside’ worth it, just to have a boyfriend?

One of the biggest myths on MN is the idea that if you leave a cheat, you wake up the next day lighter, happier and unburdened by what you’ve had done to you.

Its not true, not for me, not for any of my friends who have been cheated on
You still have the same burning questions and need to answers, but no legitimate right to be told the truth by your now-ex

You can’t just bounce into a new relationship like nothing ever happened, you will be forever dogged by doubt and suspicion to some degree. Once someone lets you down like that, you just don’t see the world the same way again

and as for your suggestion it’s ‘a less stressful life’. Pull the other one! Being a single parent, dealing with a divorce, selling houses, moving houses, all while your own mental health is shredded. On what planet is that a less stressful life?!

Well I guess because you’re not always watching and waiting for him to cheat on you again and your self esteem survives a little because you didn’t take the humiliation and stay with someone who lied to you and was so intimate with someone else.

It’s possible but nobody here can tell you how likely it is.

I couldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who had given me so much reason not to trust them though.

@tenbob

One of the biggest myths on MN is the idea that if you leave a cheat, you wake up the next day lighter, happier and unburdened by what you’ve had done to you.

Its not true, not for me, not for any of my friends who have been cheated on
You still have the same burning questions and need to answers, but no legitimate right to be told the truth by your now-ex

You can’t just bounce into a new relationship like nothing ever happened, you will be forever dogged by doubt and suspicion to some degree. Once someone lets you down like that, you just don’t see the world the same way again

and as for your suggestion it’s ‘a less stressful life’. Pull the other one! Being a single parent, dealing with a divorce, selling houses, moving houses, all while your own mental health is shredded. On what planet is that a less stressful life?!
^^^^
THIS
Every time someone on MN days LTB the above jumps in my mine.
OP you're still rebuilding your relationship.
Trust takes time.
As long as you are working on your stuff together ( and your own stuff) you will get there.
One day you'll turn round and feel nothing about what happened.
Your self assurance and security in the relationship will be restored.
I know it doesn't seem like that can happen, but it will.
You're just not there ..... yet.

Why are you still with him if you don’t trust him? Serious question

You won’t know if he’s lying to you, but if HE has any interest in rebuilding your relationship into something strong this is his opportunity to do so.

If you calmly explain that you’re feeling anxious about this trip, his reactions - whether guilty or not - will go some way to either reassuring you that he has no intention to cheat, or fuelling your fears. Some of that might be obvious (defensiveness, turning it around onto you, making your ‘insecurity’ an issue rather than his cheating etc) and some of it might be down to tuning in to your gut when he speaks about the trip.

Imagine you were him, what would you do, say and ensure to convince your wife she could trust you?

What would you do, say or ensure if you wanted to cover up the fact you were meeting someone else there?

I know some people are good liars and you may never know, but start the conversation and see what he says.

FWIW I’d be looking for an acknowledgement that he understands why you’ve asked and appreciates your humility in accepting that it’s an uncomfortable situation for you both having to talk about this, but that he knows he has to be open. I’d want (not too many!!) details about the place he’s staying, who’s going, whether he’ll be contactable etc.

When my XP went abroad for work I used to worry, as he’d always have tales about his colleagues cheating while they were away. I had no reason to suspect him btw but it’s always there as a possibility isn’t it. He was always open with the hotel name, who was there, he would FaceTime me every night and chat before bed, send me messages in the mornings etc so I always knew I was on his mind, even if it was just a brief hello. None of this would have been impossible if he was cheating of course, but the reassurance that he was thinking of me went a long way to making me feel happier about him being away - sometimes for weeks at a time - with a bunch of amoral a*holes and some beautiful younger colleagues.

You can only control your part in this, which is to open up about your worries, don’t play games turning up unannounced etc and just breathe.

How the fuck is staying with a male you can’t trust, who doesn’t respect you, who ‘mangles your mental health’, scheduling regular STD checks not stressful? 😄
OP isn’t married, and doesn’t mention having a kid.