To think that he could meet OW whilst working away.

[Macbeth8]

Bit of background. I guess I just need some reassurance.
partner had text affair with colleague back in 2018, supposed just text affair as not sure if this could have also been physical. (I will never know)
After a lot of grief and counselling, almost a big separation we patched things up,. He never spoke to OW and when lockdown hit it was easier to confirm this. As his work was very strict and didn't allow any of them to go into the office. Even now, they are still on a reduced timetable for office days.
My concern now is almost 3 years later. He has been put on a training course in the place where the ow lives. (She actually live quite far from the office approximately 34 miles)
I dunno why but my paranoia and fears have just crept back up again and I'm non-stop thinking maybe he would meet up with her? He's staying in a plush hotel and actually I don't think its far from where she lives. I am just so worried and don't know how to broach the subject as it has been so long. I always wondered if they kept in touch but never had any reason to believe so. (had access to check phone etc)
I guess I'm just wondering what is the likeliness of this happening. Could they rekindle? It was quite intense at the time, I was lucky and managed to read all the text messages as he had no idea I knew.
I wonder after so long she still has his number. I know he definitely deleted hers. What does everyone think?

@thestraitofillinois

"I get the sense from your posts that you want to trust him, but you're still in the hypervigilant stage, with your mind creating all sorts of scenarios. This is normal, I believe, and you may find yourself in this state for a long time."

Thank you. This is exactly it! We actually have a really good marriage, we don't argue and are very affectionate with each other. It's not like we've become distant or strangers or anything like that. I think lockdown was a blessing as it happened after the affair. It helped us to heal as a couple because we appreciated each other's company, we realised we had a strong relationship.

I do often wonder if lockdown didn't happen, would have I just left him? Maybe I wouldn't have been able to cope with him going into the office etc.

I will definitely take your advice and ask him whilst we were hugging. Such a genius idea! I have studied body language in my course ages ago and know this to be true, the little movements can indicate a lie.

@Twobecomingthreeplusthedog

It's not really a judgement, I'm saying it's horrific for his wife for him going behind her back and lying to her? You said they both blocked you on SM but then said he unblocked you - that is horrific as he's basically very conniving and obviously blocked her for show.
If it's a friendship then why can't that be relayed to his wife?

Behind his partner's back. Get some other friends. He's not a friend to you, you're his dirty little secret.

@Thesefeetaremadeforwalking

TBH, I don't do any of these things. I admit when it first happened - I did check his phone for a good while but I have really tried to build my trust for him so haven't looked in his phone for a long time - can easily do this, it's on charge next to our bed every night, wouldn't take much.
The car mileage thing wouldn't help as he always takes the train down. He does the polite thing - ring when he's there at the hotel, gives me a few texts and sometimes will ring in the evening as well. Mostly just texts general "what are you upto" texts
TBH, I haven't thought much about if he did meet her as he I don't hear from him after 10 which I presume is when he has fallen to sleep.
What I mean is, I'm not actively looking to see if what he does is suspicious its just the "what if?" fear. What if he still has her number and decides to give her a text? What if he bumps into her with her living so close and from what I know was always out in the city centre where is hotel is at.

OP, you are thinking about this all wrong. Frankly, if you have rebuilt your relationship in a way that is now more honest, you should be open enough with each other that you can talk freely about his proximity to the OW with this trip.

You should not be scared to bring up what happened - he is the one in the wrong and who should be reassuring you. Rather than you worrying 'what if?', he should be the one concerned that another wrong step means he'll lose you and your family. You need to talk, and if you weren't in the past, you need to be clear of those consequences now. Unfortunately you cannot control another person's choices - but you can let them know where their pick will lead.

Am I right to understand you’ve been checking through his phone for years now? Without his knowledge?

That’s unacceptable, whatever his previous behaviour was, if you have worked through it in therapy yet still can’t forgive him and truly move on you shouldn’t still be together.

I mean it kindly although it sounds harsh. Lack of trust both ways is corrosive to relationships.

You asked for an opinion on an online forum and then get arsey when you don’t get the answers you want.

Nope, he’s my friend and always has been. The texting overstepped the mark on numerous occasions and for years. But he’s still my friend.

What he chooses to tell his gf (not wife fyi) about us meeting or not meeting is his business, not mine. My partner knows our history and is more than happy for us to meet up.

@Twobecomingthreeplusthedog

You asked for an opinion on an online forum and then get arsey when you don’t get the answers you want.
^^^^
Not really arsey.
Just wondering why you would do this when you know how much pain it would cause his wife.
One day you'll be the wife.
A lot of people can put theirselves in the wife's place and just wouldn't want to cause then that much pain
But if you're never been that situation you won't know ..,,yet.

It’s not his wife, not that that makes it any different. But you can’t help who you fall for, it happened and we moved on as friends. But those feelings won’t ever go away.

I would put money on the OPs husband being in contact with her and meeting her at the hotel as a friend or not.

Of course people can help who they fall for 😂 people choose to contact and behave in a manner that leads them to getting to know and fancy another person. Or do you find yourself constantly falling in love with complete strangers you walk past in the street? Trotting out embarrassing cliches doesn’t make you come across any better.

Oh, I'm so sorry OP. That truly sucks. I have been in your position, and I'm sad to say that it will be nigh on impossible to fully trust him again. You will always be wondering.

Exactly. If I found myself starting to find my BIL attractive for example (I dont- but if I did) I certainly wouldnt start spending lots of time with him, texting him, fantasising about him, and engineering alone time with him. I'd try to laugh it off and focus on other things. You dont go from stranger to completely in love with someone overnight- it takes time and effort to get to know someone and to fall in love so it absolutely IS a choice if the person is completely inappropriate. There are many things in life I'd like to do but hold myself back from doing because the consequences wouldnt be great (eg punching my boss!)