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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

new baby mum friend concerns.

85 replies

MiniMoon12 · 04/05/2022 22:39

Ok, this is going to sound ridiculous and please tell me if I am being to much, all advice welcome!
I moved to a new area and made some 'mum friends' at baby groups, they are lovely girls and its been refreshing meeting new people. One of the girls I formed a good friendship with, often meeting with the kids and going for coffee etc.
The story stands that my child has some health conditions, and she is on a high calorie diet, it is vital she eats her food.
The issue I am having is that my friends little one is an over eater. He will cry and scream until he gets food, I have caught him eating dry pasta and rice from a kids play kitchen and he will eat food off the floor.
He is constantly pinching at my daughters snacks, not half the snack or a bite, he will take the whole thing and if he cant get to it he will cry and kick off and I feel I have to pass on some of my child's snacks/food to him as I feel my friend gives me this guilt trip look that im depriving her child of food.
My friends child has had numerous chocking incidents because he gorges on food, and I get so worried that he will choke on something he has pinched off my childs plate and it will be my fault.
Im not silly and I know my child is no angel and will try anything to get out of eating but it is really important she does.
My friend knows my child's health conditions and I have explained this to them on a number of occasions but I feel like its not sinking in. She is never stopping her child from taking off my childs plate and I have found I am recently trying to find excuses to not see them.
I feel so so so awful but its frustrating as I feel like its not my place to tell him off but they know the situation and we have discussed it, I also drop hints when the kids are eating in the hope they will understand but its to no avail.
Am I being to much?

OP posts:
LoudingVoice · 04/05/2022 22:42

You need to tell her very clearly that your child’s food is only for them, it’s really not a difficult concept for her to understand - yanbu.

AliceW89 · 04/05/2022 22:46

How old are the DC? You say you met at baby group but I’m assuming they are older now?

Thedogscollar · 04/05/2022 22:54

Ok you have explained the importance that your child needs to eat all her food.

Despite her knowing this she continues to ignore her child taking your childs food. She makes you feel guilty if you do not give into this behaviour.

Honestly I'd be laying it on the line that this cannot continue or your friendship is over.
She does not seem to be caring about this dilemma and seems happy for you to supplement her child's diet to the exclusion of yours.

2bazookas · 04/05/2022 23:16

Just say to her that for your child's sake, you would rather not socialise over meals or snacks any more. Let's meet in the park instead; or take the children swimming or to the library.

Just mention your own child, don't get into the issues with hers. How she manages her child is up to her

Stichintime · 04/05/2022 23:19

How regularly does your child have to eat? I'd avoid any meals or snacks atound the other family, or if not possible put your child first and stop meeting up.

Original poster
MiniMoon12 · 05/05/2022 17:44

She eats 3 meals a day, but she also has to have consistent high calorie snacks and special drinks, so she pretty much offered food all day everyday!

OP posts:
Giraffesandbottoms · 05/05/2022 17:46

Does she not bring snacks for
her own child?

SecondhandTable · 05/05/2022 17:47

This woman is not your friend. Stop meeting up with her. Her behaviour is not on. If you do meet up with her, be very clear that the food is for your child only due to medical reasons. If her child tries to grab anything, grab the food first so they are unable to do this, do not offer the child anything, and ignore any outbursts as that's for their mother to deal with not you.

KilmordenCastle · 05/05/2022 17:55

Every time he takes the food, take it off him, give it back to your DD and say "no no X, we know Y needs to eat all of this so that she doesn't get poorly". Every, single time! This isn't really for the little boys benefit, you didn't say how old he is but I'm guessing not really old enough to understand what you're saying. This is for the mum to realise that she needs to put a stop to it.

If he screams and has a tantrum then that's the mum's problem not yours. Perhaps she will realise that she needs to stop him from taking your dd's food in the first place and bring her own snacks for her DS.

LucyAutumn · 05/05/2022 17:56

I have a similar problem with my son, he needs to keep eating consistently and we've had similar problems. I usually just say things like "sorry sweetheart these are XXX's snacks and it's really important he has them or he will get poorly, maybe mummy has something for you if you ask her nicely"

Feckingfeck · 05/05/2022 17:57

Why would she not correct her child for taking food no matter what age?! And even without the reason behind it.

Do people not have any behaviour standards anymore.

Hope your DD is able to get all the goodness she needs Smile

HermioneWeasley · 05/05/2022 17:58

I was tempted to vote YABU because just have some boundaries
”no, you can’t have that food it’s my daughter’s and she needs it for medical reasons”.
On repeat

this woman is ridiculous but you are enabling it

FiveNineFive · 05/05/2022 18:00

Grow a backbone and tell her she needs to stop him taking your child's food or you can't see them.

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 18:01

Am I being to much?
Not at all - in fact I reckon you are being 'not enough' ...

He is constantly pinching at my daughters snacks, not half the snack or a bite, he will take the whole thing and if he cant get to it he will cry and kick off and I feel I have to pass on some of my child's snacks/food to him as I feel my friend gives me this guilt trip look that im depriving her child of food.
Why are you prioritising the feeling you imagine your friend is projecting at you over your child's need to eat her food?

My friends child has had numerous chocking incidents because he gorges on food, and I get so worried that he will choke on something he has pinched off my childs plate and it will be my fault.
So stop allowing him to pinch your child's food.

Im not silly and I know my child is no angel and will try anything to get out of eating but it is really important she does.
My friend knows my child's health conditions and I have explained this to them on a number of occasions but I feel like its not sinking in.
Because your daughter is not her child, & it's not her responsibility to understand her health conditions.
It would be great if she was able to, & also able to teach/discipline her own child about not pinching food from yours - but the fact is, she doesn't, & it's up to YOU, not HER, to ensure your child's needs are met.

She is never stopping her child from taking off my childs plate and I have found I am recently trying to find excuses to not see them.
Sounds like a good outcome. Friends who choose not to hear you, & who undermine your parenting by actively not hearing that their child's behaviour is affecting your child's wellbeing, are not worth investing much time in.

I feel so so so awful but its frustrating as I feel like its not my place to tell him off
Sure it is. You're an adult - he's a kid who still needs help in understanding what he is doing is wrong.
It's also very much "your place" to protect your DD's wellbeing - AND to teach her, right now at this early age - that you have her back & won't allow boys to take food from her, or bully her in any other way.

but they know the situation and we have discussed it, I also drop hints when the kids are eating in the hope they will understand but its to no avail.
Stop hinting. Start telling.
"Johnny, you know it's not right to take Sally's food" - & when that doesn't work
(it won't, because his mother isn't reinforcing it - so you are saying this for her ears really, not Johnny's) ... PHYSICALLY BLOCK HIS ACCESS TO YOUR DAUGHTER's PLATE.

Georgeskitchen · 05/05/2022 18:15

How would I be your fault if her greedy kid chokes? She needs to get a grip on this behaviour

KettrickenSmiled · 05/05/2022 18:18

Jeeze, @Georgeskitchen - no need to call the kid greedy.

For all you know he also has a medical problem with food.
If he doesn't - it's his parents who are at fault for not helping him regulate, not his.

You may as well have called OP's kid "lazy" for not eating her food.
We don't know the ins & outs of why little Johnny is food-obsessed, we can only help OP to bat the problem back to where it belongs - his parents - & start standing up for her own child.

AdaColeman · 05/05/2022 18:18

You must put your own child's health and food needs ahead of seeming pleasant and polite to your new friend and her child.
What else are you getting out of this friendship? Is it essential to your own wellbeing?

The easiest answer would be for you to cool the friendship, and certainly don't make arrangements to meet anywhere where food will be involved.

Friendships are nice to have, but your priority has to be your child's health. If you and the other child's mother can't be firm enough to control the child taking your daughter's food, then you must find another answer...do not put your daughter in a situation where another child will take food from her.

ChocolateLlama · 05/05/2022 18:22

Okay so this was me a few years ago. My friends daughter would eat her lunch and always come to ask for my sons food. I would ask her mum if she has anything else for her daughter and she would always say no. I would tell the little one "sorry sweetheart, this is R's lunchbox. Off you go" I would get glared at but I didn't care. I packed just enough for my son.

Orphlids · 05/05/2022 18:34

Women like this are difficult to deal with. I was walking with another school mum, and told her my toddler (asleep in pushchair) had slept all through lunch as he had been poorly, so when he awoke he’d be starving. Sure enough, toddler woke up and started tucking into the food I’d prepared for him. School mum’s DS came over and snatched the food from the toddler. “Don’t take the food off him, Johnny!” school mum cried, “I don’t want you catching what he’s got!” Never mind about my DC’s need for food - the only reason Johnny shouldn’t steal the food was to prevent him getting poorly.

Obviously your situation is much more serious than that little example as it’s so important your DD gets her food. But I do think parents like this are so completely self-centred that no amount of hinting will get through to her. I’d bypass the mum and tell the kid directly and clearly not to take the food. But your friend will be so horrified you’ve dared speak to her precious kid like that that the friendship may fizzle out.

badg3r · 05/05/2022 18:40

Every time the child takes food from yours I would take of off them and say, no, that is for DC, you need to ask your mummy if you are hungry. And if she causes a fuss say that she needs to make sure she has enough food for her child and if he is hungry then she probably needs to bring him more snacks or feed him bigger portions.

starlingdarling · 05/05/2022 19:44

He might just be a toddler so this is extreme but I wonder if her son has a serious health condition. I remember seeing a documentary on obese children being treated in hospital a few years ago. It might have been the BBC. There was a young girl (can't remember exact age but well out of toddler age, anywhere from 5-8). She was constantly hungry and would go into an inconsolable tantrum when not eating. Her mum tried to stop her eating by limiting food in the house and found her eating things like dried pasta and frozen food out of desperation. Eventually, during the documentary they met a doctor who was able to figure it out and diagnose her with a condition. I can't remember what it was but it meant that she constantly felt starving. Not just a little hungry but full on starving like an average person would after a couple of days not eating. She'd always been a hungry child but nobody worried until she passed toddler age and still wasn't able to regulate her reaction to food.

Hm2020 · 05/05/2022 19:53

Is he being fed enough? Does he look under weight?

Original poster
MiniMoon12 · 05/05/2022 20:20

starlingdarling · 05/05/2022 19:44

He might just be a toddler so this is extreme but I wonder if her son has a serious health condition. I remember seeing a documentary on obese children being treated in hospital a few years ago. It might have been the BBC. There was a young girl (can't remember exact age but well out of toddler age, anywhere from 5-8). She was constantly hungry and would go into an inconsolable tantrum when not eating. Her mum tried to stop her eating by limiting food in the house and found her eating things like dried pasta and frozen food out of desperation. Eventually, during the documentary they met a doctor who was able to figure it out and diagnose her with a condition. I can't remember what it was but it meant that she constantly felt starving. Not just a little hungry but full on starving like an average person would after a couple of days not eating. She'd always been a hungry child but nobody worried until she passed toddler age and still wasn't able to regulate her reaction to food.

I know the documentary you mean, I saw it myself. I wondered the same thing, but its a hard subject to bring up.

OP posts:
Original poster
MiniMoon12 · 05/05/2022 20:43

Hi everyone, thank you for your comments, all are really helpful so again thank you.
I actually met up with her this morning and took the kids to a country park, meaning her DS wanted to stop in the coffee shop for cake. I had packed a lunch box for my my child and said that we would be happy to go without and carry on playing/walking. Of course we had to be led by her son having a tantrum and visit the coffee shop. In true form with his own food infront of him he still made a move on my daughters food, I said firmly that he could not have my childs food and the reason why and to eat the food his mum had brought him, pointing it out.
My ''friend'' sat there and did not even raise an eye lid, not even looking up at situation or telling him to listen etc, I almost think that she thinks his behaviour is ok and it did annoy me, I made a point of telling her today about the snack situation and again about my child's conditions and how it was effecting my child thinking its ok to give her food away (partly my fault for letting this escalate), She seemed annoyed and was really blunt for the walk back to the car after the coffee shop. She just packed up and went, i barely got a goodbye, She hasnt spoke to me since😮

OP posts:
Original poster
MiniMoon12 · 05/05/2022 20:50

Hm2020 · 05/05/2022 19:53

Is he being fed enough? Does he look under weight?

He is certainly not under weight

OP posts:
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