new baby mum friend concerns.

[MiniMoon12]

Ok, this is going to sound ridiculous and please tell me if I am being to much, all advice welcome!
I moved to a new area and made some 'mum friends' at baby groups, they are lovely girls and its been refreshing meeting new people. One of the girls I formed a good friendship with, often meeting with the kids and going for coffee etc.
The story stands that my child has some health conditions, and she is on a high calorie diet, it is vital she eats her food.
The issue I am having is that my friends little one is an over eater. He will cry and scream until he gets food, I have caught him eating dry pasta and rice from a kids play kitchen and he will eat food off the floor.
He is constantly pinching at my daughters snacks, not half the snack or a bite, he will take the whole thing and if he cant get to it he will cry and kick off and I feel I have to pass on some of my child's snacks/food to him as I feel my friend gives me this guilt trip look that im depriving her child of food.
My friends child has had numerous chocking incidents because he gorges on food, and I get so worried that he will choke on something he has pinched off my childs plate and it will be my fault.
Im not silly and I know my child is no angel and will try anything to get out of eating but it is really important she does.
My friend knows my child's health conditions and I have explained this to them on a number of occasions but I feel like its not sinking in. She is never stopping her child from taking off my childs plate and I have found I am recently trying to find excuses to not see them.
I feel so so so awful but its frustrating as I feel like its not my place to tell him off but they know the situation and we have discussed it, I also drop hints when the kids are eating in the hope they will understand but its to no avail.
Am I being to much?

And for the last time she clearly doesn't want to be friends with you after today so just move on and find better friends

aka "I didn't know what a massive prat I was being, but now I do, I'm gonna double down because admitting I am a prat is too embarrassing."

In general with friends and their/my children, they and I always take 2 of every snack, because little children want what their friend has. So she will take 2 flapjack bars and I’ll take 2 packs of raisins etc and that’s fine.

what’s not fine is this scenario where your child has a medical condition and your friend brings nothing and your child gets their food stolen. YANBU.

It wasn't a massive drip feed though was it? OP said from the beginning that her child has a medical condition which affects her diet. She only mentioned her specific health issues later on because someone asked. You were just being a knob.

It really depends if you value the friendship but if they're small kids then of course they often want the other kids food. Even bigger kids love sharing and helping themselves, it's a rare area where they can have some sort of independence but sadly little impulse control. Is this an issue that your child doesn't want to eat and this boy does? I know yours is on a high calorie diet but will there be adverse effects of they don't have a snack for an hour when you meet a friend, especially as you say she tries to get out of eating? Give her an hour off and enjoy time with your friend, or bring a bit extra? It's possible this child has a health condition too or is struggling to regulate their impulses over food and possible the mum is a bit exhausted. If you want to stay in on your own with your snacks or find new friends then that's your choice.

NO friendship is of enough value to teach your very young child that other people are allowed to steal her food. (& given the nature of this girl's problems around nutrition, I'm frankly gobsmacked at the tone of your post @Yazo)

Because NO genuine friend would allow this to happen, or refuse to regulate/teach their child to stop nicking from other kids.

Generally I wouldn't go to anything involving other children without 2 of each snack, now obviously that's hard for you as you need a lot of snacks but always a spare brioche, spare packet of raisins, spare packet of gingerbread men. No it's not your job to feed other peoples children but some children at that age just don't understand not sharing food, most have this by about 3 but often not before. At playgroup all the kids share their home snacks, I've never seen a mum say "no this is..." and it would be seen as pretty mean within our groups for that to happen but then luckily it's not always the same people who bring every week and no one tends to take advantage. Obviously it's harder for you but I'd say in general kids do tend to share snacks and some always take more than others.

How was it a drip feed?! Op had already said she had health issues and needs calories.

@KettrickenSmiled i don't know, I think some friendships can withstand some stolen rice cakes. I met up with a friend recently and her son ran over (he's 10 and autistic) and took some pick and mix from my boys, it wasn't that big a deal infact we had a bit of a laugh about it. The kids weren't bothered.

If it's a red line for the OP then that's her choice isn't it? But she's asking for opinions and mine is that maybe there's another way around this than expecting other people to behave differently. Maybe the friendship and dietary needs can be dealt with separately.

When you want your friends and their children to act exactly how you want that makes it a small pool of friends.

If he is taking dry pasta and bits of rice off the floor is it possible he is really starving hungry and not being fed enough food? Especially as his Mum never brings him snacks? I keep thinking of the little boy who tried to eat play food at school and picked food from bins he was so hungry. He ended up starved to death over summer holidays. Is this little boy under weight? I am worried he is genuinely not being fed enough. Stuffing food into his mouth and eating so fast he is almost choking are classic signs of starvation.

Buy a WWE action figure ring, let them battle it out.
Winner gets num nums. Loser goes hungry.

forget this woman.
she is not your friend.
put your child first.
avoid her and her child.
he sounds to have pica maybe, but that's not your concern.
if you think it might be, ring nspcc and/or social services and report anonymously.
but keep away from them.
don't waste your time and energy trying to regulate this.
you don't need to. avoid.
she doesn't care about you or your child. you were just someone to hang out with.
you don't need people like her.
all the best.

@KettrickenSmiled i don't know, I think some friendships can withstand some stolen rice cakes. I met up with a friend recently and her son ran over (he's 10 and autistic) and took some pick and mix from my boys, it wasn't that big a deal infact we had a bit of a laugh about it. The kids weren't bothered.
Your nicked sweets anecdote has no relevance to the OP's situation.

If it's a red line for the OP then that's her choice isn't it? But she's asking for opinions and mine is that maybe there's another way around this than expecting other people to behave differently. Maybe the friendship and dietary needs can be dealt with separately.
If this 'friend' needs 'another way around than 'expecting' OP to allow her the friend's son to 'behave differently' by stealing her DD's food despite DD's diagnosed nutrition issue, maybe the friendship can be dealt with separately by prioritising DD's needs & ditching anyone who portrays that as some kind of unreasonable expectation.

When you want your friends and their children to act exactly how you want that makes it a small pool of friends.
There's no need for a large pool of friends when the ones you have behave mutually respectfully & cooperatively.

Generally I wouldn't go to anything involving other children without 2 of each snack, now obviously that's hard for you as you need a lot of snacks but always a spare brioche, spare packet of raisins, spare packet of gingerbread men.

Shout out for the utterly MN brioche. Extra points for spare.
I hope the gingerbread figures are homemade, & gender neutral.

My DC needs to have food monitored throughout the day for a medical condition. I have to balance within each eating session/across the day/over days. The food I pack for DC is not for other children to take. I do, however, ensure I have a small packaged snack in my bag for any child who gets upset when my DC needs to eat.

Op has a child with clear medical issues, cost of living rises surely will be affecting her, so what should she do? Subsidise CF friends kid because she won’t parent properly or bring snack to stop him stealing from a child who medically needs that food. MN gets battier by the hot

hour*

This...

Hinting hasn't worked.

What about... I enjoy your company... But I can't come out with you unless you make active efforts to stop your child taking food from my child.
You know aboht her health conditions!!
I've said several times... It is ESSENTIAL not optional that she has ALL her food and snacks... And it not OK 'just this once'.

@KettrickenSmiled

i agree and have posted the same, but it doesn’t sound like a reciprocated gesture

My son was like that, it was (and still is) horrifically embarrassing and no matter how many times I told him off it still happened. It turns out he is severely autistic and the eating and lack of impulse control are related to that. He still steals food at 7 and has to be watched like a hawk. I'm not saying this is the issue in this case but these things aren't always as simple as they seem.

I can't make out whether your friend is very embarrassed and therefore doesn't say anything or is just very lax as a parent. Either way I think you have handled it pretty well OP. You have clearly stated your daughters needs and put a firm boundary in place. I would probably had a chat without her DS present about it first though.

So maybe you could bring enough for the both of them if you value this friendship?

Why should OP have to do this? It's not the OP's responsibilty to provide food for another child if his own mother can't be arsed to do so and/or control her child. The other mother sounds like a shit parent and a shit friend. I'd just block her and move on. Life's too short for this kind of crap and she's not worth the hassle.

Basically this.

How old is the little boy, OP?

Op hasn't confirmed the ages of the children despite being asked repeatedly - I think the reason that this child is eating bits of messy play, shoving food in his mouth so fast he chokes, etc is probably that he's a baby or very young toddler rather than that he is either starving or has a medical condition. Which might also be why the mum is so perplexed by the idea that she should be impressing on him whose food is whose and treating his grabbing as a moral issue - though I don't think that excuses her entirely, she should just be moving him away from the food and saying no (and giving him snacks she has) if he's too little to understand.

I have no concerns that he is starving and social services do not to be called. Our children are 2 years old.

It is really clear that OP dislikes this little boy in a way that's bit bizarre given that he's clearly very young. Given that one of the mums is being inconsiderate and cavalier about the other one's child's health needs and one of them has developed a dislike for the other one's child it doesn't seem like there's much salvageable about this friendship, really.