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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cruel for a puppy?

82 replies

walkingonnete · 04/05/2022 18:53

My sister shares a 9 year old daughter with her ex - they coparent very well and they get on great as friends - for instance, they will have a coffee and a chat at drop offs etc.

My niece is an only child and has been asking for a puppy. Both my sister and ex BIL want a dog but are unable to do it alone so they agreed on a puppy shared between two houses. Basically the puppy will be with my sister on the nights she has niece and the puppy with be with ex BIL the nights he has niece.

They got the puppy last week and she is so tiny and sister has just called me and said she has dropped her off there and is a bag of nerves. She has been training her etc and it's been going well but she's worried about leaving her.

I have told sister this will never work, I have had dogs all my adult life and they need consistency. They will never know their owner if they are here, there and everywhere. I also can't imagine getting a puppy, building a bond then leaving them to go to a random house.

It breaks my heart thinking how confused this poor puppy will be tonight.

The puppy is at ex BIL tonight then back with sister tomorrow then back with ex BIL on Friday until Monday. How can that not be confusing to the pup?

I give it a few months before they have to re home. It won't work but she is adamant it will. AIBU?

OP posts:
ModerationInEverything · 04/05/2022 18:55

YABU. If it works for the human child, the canine will be fine.

NoSquirrels · 04/05/2022 18:55

I think this could work fine with an older dog but it’s nuts with a puppy. Training will be absolutely nightmarish and the poor puppy is so young. Sad

Dillydollydingdong · 04/05/2022 18:56

No you're not BU but there's nothing you can do about it. It's someone else's problem. There's no point you wasting your mental energy when you can't resolve the problem.

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 18:57

The puppy will always be with the 9 year old no? If it all it’s ever known it may cope perfectly well

Beees · 04/05/2022 18:57

It absolutely won't work and you're right to voice your concerns but sadly there's nothing you can do. However when the inevitable happens it's your niece I will feel most empathy for, so try to be there for her if you can. Hopefully the pup will find a more stable home shortly before he's learnt too many bad habits and his separation anxiety is too great.

Menora · 04/05/2022 18:58

I think the puppy won’t be unhappy if it’s loved but it might be unruly if they don’t have the same rules and training. I have shared a dog so to speak, my Dsis had a dog and was having an extension so lived between me and DM. He lives with me now. He’s happy. He just likes pissing on things he shouldn’t!!

Original poster
walkingonnete · 04/05/2022 18:58

Catcrazy83 · 04/05/2022 18:57

The puppy will always be with the 9 year old no? If it all it’s ever known it may cope perfectly well

Yes she will always be with the 9 year old and they have made up a cheat sheet of routine to follow and training but that's besides the point. Whether my niece is there or not the puppy will be in two completely different environments. It's too confusing. Primarily she will be at my sisters for 22 nights out of the month and ex BIL 8 nights out of the month.

OP posts:
marymaryquitecontrary820 · 04/05/2022 19:01

Stop worrying so much. The puppy will always be used to this arrangement if it's consistent and will have your niece with them all the time. As long as they are being fed, walked and loved I wouldn't worry just yet.

Hugasauras · 04/05/2022 19:02

I don't think it's cruel, no. Puppies can be quite resilient, just like children, and the constant will be the daughter so there will always be a consistency there. It sounds like they've thought about training and stuff, and puppies often can be nervous in new places and that's just part of socialisation. And getting used to new places/people while young is very important for a puppy.

I wouldn't worry too much about it just now.

HotDogKetchup · 04/05/2022 19:03

The pup will be fine.

ladydimitrescu · 04/05/2022 19:04

It'll be confusing yes, but not cruel, that's a stretch. It's not really your problem, you aren't training the puppy are you?

Staynow · 04/05/2022 19:05

For this to work they probably needed an older dog or at least a very confident sociable puppy. Sounds like they got an anxious, stressed one and it'll probably be a disaster and just get more stressed, anxious and confused. The child will know what is happening as they'll have been told (although I'd imagine all the back and forth is unsettling for them too) but no one can explain to the puppy what's happening.

Puppalicious · 04/05/2022 19:05

I know a puppy this has worked for. Given the terrible things that happen to dogs/puppies, I was expecting much worse from the title!

Hankunamatata · 04/05/2022 19:05

It's fine. Couple of friends have their parents puppy sit/puppy sleep overs as they work shifts.

ComDummings · 04/05/2022 19:06

It’ll be fine.

Original poster
walkingonnete · 04/05/2022 19:06

I just think it's stupid. In 9 years my niece will be 18 and they are no longer tied together. Yet they have this pup that could (hopefully) live for much longer and they will be tied to one another.

OP posts:
Sunnytwobridges · 04/05/2022 19:07

As long as they treat the puppy well I think it will be fine.

MissDollyMix · 04/05/2022 19:07

Back in the days before covid and home working my DM used to have our dog two days/ nights a week- right from the outset (when she was a tiny pup) Never any issues but we’ve always been pretty consistent with our rules. As long as the owners are being kind and consistent dogs adapt.

Philisophigal · 04/05/2022 19:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

motogirl · 04/05/2022 19:07

My friends share a dog from a puppy, neither could commit full time to one. They are ex's but on good terms too

Tryingnottocry22 · 04/05/2022 19:08

I have a friend who shares a dog with another family. It works well and the dog is friendly and well trained.

Neverhot · 04/05/2022 19:09

I think it's fine, I know a few couples who seperated and shared custody of the dog. The pup will have the 9 year old as it's constant and it's only 2 households, not really here, there and everywhere.

Hugasauras · 04/05/2022 19:09

I don't think it's a massively uncommon setup anyway. My parents have looked after my step-sister's dog for one or two days a week plus overnights and then holidays since she was a puppy. Everyone is happy with the arrangement, including the dog!

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/05/2022 19:10

Am in the middle of training a puppy myself and I think it's madness. The poor thing needs a home to call it's own. It'll be so confused.

Original poster
walkingonnete · 04/05/2022 19:11

HandbagsnGladrags · 04/05/2022 19:10

Am in the middle of training a puppy myself and I think it's madness. The poor thing needs a home to call it's own. It'll be so confused.

Indeed!

OP posts: