To think social services may be called (again) for my behaviour?

[again2020]

I have a DD (4) and we do everything together- I taught her to ride a bike, we go to the parks and farms locally, dancing, swimming etc but I'm also the one who takes her to pre school and I find the school run very stressful. DD messes about and finds reasons to dawdle- goes back for toys and wants to put sticks from the garden in the car, won't brush her teeth etc and we are always on the last minute. I have a 60 mile round trip every day for work and get stressed when we run late and I end up shouting and slamming doors and running around in a mad panic, trying to get DD in car and house in fit state before I leave. I don't swear (well, hardly at all) but if you heard me you'd hear me counting from 10 to 1 for DD to get in her seat "For gods sake get in the car, now" "stop playing up" ...today it was "your a mess, that's dirty"... that kind of thing. Her dad is lazy and doesn't do anything to help in fact he's often still in bed by the time we leave for school.

I get on OK with my neighbours at the moment but I'm sure they hear me shouting and stressing. Two houses one side have no kids, next door have two but I don't hear anything and ditto next to that.
I'm so scared social services will be called as people think I'm loosing it and being an abusive mum. For context, I've been called SS on twice. First time was my MIL, about me giving DD hot food straight from the oven. This happened once or twice but in my defence I had post partum psychosis and lingering depression and was exhausted as DD didn't sleep well for years. I couldn't believe MIL did that.
Also a neighbour- I don't think it's the ones I've already mentioned- rang SS as I left DD in her car seat to sleep for a few mins while I put some shopping away a couple of years ago...the window was open and I checked her every couple of minutes. I haven't done this since as I was mortified when SS rang me again. I'm on pins about it happening again basically.

On top of what I've mentioned,my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue and neighbours regularly see me take loads of empty drinks bottles to the recycling bins.

So my question is : AIBU to think SS will be called again because of behaviour like mine?

Also, how can I stop stressing and shouting in the morning rush? I try to get everything possible ready the night before but it doesn't help the struggle to leave the house.

Thanks if you read my garbled tale.

aside from ‘leave the useless partner’
i think you need help step by step. You’re not just going to wake up tomorrow having left your partner and be in a new flat nearer to your work.
so
is there a well-being service or HR at work you can speak to. Maybe they can offer counselling?
that way if you plan do to something positive such as leaving your partner then it would be good to get work on your side and explain. There might be a period of transition during which you may be sometimes late or need extra support.

can you stop worrying about leaving the house in a ‘state’ in the mornings. It’s not great but some of us do have to leave breakfast dishes and clothes out and sort it out when we get home I. Order to get everyone out on time.
you’re not a bad mother. You’re a great mother in a bad situation.

trying to do all that in the morning while k owing there’s another adult sleeping in the bedroom is incredibly draining. Imagine your mornings without that.

Yep, getting up at 7am will definitely sort out all your issues with your awful, abusive DP and protect your DD from years of hell.

I think you need to recognise that your DD isn't the problem.
Her behaviour is perfectly normal for 4.
You need to either leave the house earlier or find ways of chivvying her along nicely eg rewards.
My youngest once persuaded me to bring a dead bird home as he couldn't bear to leave it beside the road - that's probably not normal - but it seemed the quickest way to get him to move.

you should kick your partner out. Him and his mum sound like a couple of areseholes.

This. Relocate nearer to work 60 miles each way is too far - believe me I’ve done it. I refused to do more than 8 ever now

You ANBU to think that SS would be concerned. But it is clear that you care about your DD very much and know what needs to change.

Janet Lansbury has some great stuff on the morning struggle. The dawdling etc. that she’s showing are probably about her feelings more generally.

‘So this is a time that typically there’s behaviors like these, resistant behaviors, defiant behaviors, putting my foot down, expressing my displeasure and dissatisfaction with things and really underneath all of that, if you could take all of those layers away, there would be a scared little girl. And yes, they do wake up on the wrong side of the bed, as we all do.

…..So not questioning her, not arguing with her about it. Accepting that she’s carrying the weight of the world in her backpack at that moment. It’s all symbolic of these bigger issues that she’s facing.’

www.janetlansbury.com/2016/09/when-a-child-cant-get-her-act-together-in-the-morning/

Don't feel terrible when you shout this much it's just water off a duck's back. Meaningless essentially.

Can you try and dial back the shouting for one day and instead just warn once, twice and then it's just "we're not going swimming now as we are too late" and then most importantly- follow through.

The reason I haven't left him is because DD loves her dad and loves living here usually.

my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue

These two statements aren’t compatible.

I’ve never had SS phoned once, let alone twice.

I’ve never argued so much with my partner that the neighbours have had to ask if I’m ok.

I’ve never had a partner that drinks too much.

If I did have any of the above I would realise this isn’t a healthy environment for a child and break up - your child can still have a great relationship with her dad and you can even get back together in the future but right now you as a couple don’t work and it’s not fair that your DD is getting affected by it.

Stop thinking with your vagina and put your child first.

@Onwards22 Stop thinking with your vagina and put your child first.

I dunno, somehow I don’t think she’s thinking with her vagina, I doubt she’s even sleeping with him regularly if at all.

I actually think it’s more that she’s worried that she can’t do it alone. Not realising that she’s already alone.

The reason I haven't left him is because DD loves her dad and loves living here usually.

But your DD is four @again2020 - she doesn't know any different and is certainly too young to know that living away from her dad would result in a much happier, calmer and healthier mum (and life in general).

Staying for her sake is so incredibly damaging as you're raising her to believe that a drunken father who stays in bed half the day and never participates in her life is normal - and unless you intervene, she'll accept that and will no doubt go on to replicate it some way in her own relationships as she grows.

I know that sounds harsh (and extreme given her young age) but so many children emulate and learn from their parents. If you can't bring yourself to leave for your own sake, at least do it for DD.

OP remember what your DD wants isn't always the same as what is a good option for her and it sounds like your living situation is toxic. You need to be the responsible one and put her needs first.

The reason I haven't left him is because DD loves her dad and loves living here usually.

He is all she knows, it is her home, she thinks her situation is normal.

That doesn't mean it is comfortable or happy just familiar.

She'll learn as she grows that her home life isn’t normal.

As a DC I believed everyone had a messy unorganised home, when I realised mine wasn't normal the shock hit me like a brick and I never really got over the shame.

My friend was a foster carer. He couldn't handle it in the end because no matter how much he did and cared for the foster child, they always always wanted to go back to their parents, absolutely regardless of the abuse, and he found it too difficult.
Op - 4 year olds will ALWAYS love their dad. Don't use it as an excuse to not help her.

Really? What do you think they'll do?

Hopefully offer OP some support and respite perhaps.

DD is not in danger despite the less than ideal circumstances.

No they wouldn't that. I knew someone who was with someone who had a drug and drink problem they gave all the help they could not criticised, plus parenting courses etc.