To think social services may be called (again) for my behaviour?

[again2020]

I have a DD (4) and we do everything together- I taught her to ride a bike, we go to the parks and farms locally, dancing, swimming etc but I'm also the one who takes her to pre school and I find the school run very stressful. DD messes about and finds reasons to dawdle- goes back for toys and wants to put sticks from the garden in the car, won't brush her teeth etc and we are always on the last minute. I have a 60 mile round trip every day for work and get stressed when we run late and I end up shouting and slamming doors and running around in a mad panic, trying to get DD in car and house in fit state before I leave. I don't swear (well, hardly at all) but if you heard me you'd hear me counting from 10 to 1 for DD to get in her seat "For gods sake get in the car, now" "stop playing up" ...today it was "your a mess, that's dirty"... that kind of thing. Her dad is lazy and doesn't do anything to help in fact he's often still in bed by the time we leave for school.

I get on OK with my neighbours at the moment but I'm sure they hear me shouting and stressing. Two houses one side have no kids, next door have two but I don't hear anything and ditto next to that.
I'm so scared social services will be called as people think I'm loosing it and being an abusive mum. For context, I've been called SS on twice. First time was my MIL, about me giving DD hot food straight from the oven. This happened once or twice but in my defence I had post partum psychosis and lingering depression and was exhausted as DD didn't sleep well for years. I couldn't believe MIL did that.
Also a neighbour- I don't think it's the ones I've already mentioned- rang SS as I left DD in her car seat to sleep for a few mins while I put some shopping away a couple of years ago...the window was open and I checked her every couple of minutes. I haven't done this since as I was mortified when SS rang me again. I'm on pins about it happening again basically.

On top of what I've mentioned,my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue and neighbours regularly see me take loads of empty drinks bottles to the recycling bins.

So my question is : AIBU to think SS will be called again because of behaviour like mine?

Also, how can I stop stressing and shouting in the morning rush? I try to get everything possible ready the night before but it doesn't help the struggle to leave the house.

Thanks if you read my garbled tale.

You need to be an adult and leave him.

No wonder your scared of social services, your not bringing up your child properly by allowing this sort of behaviour.

You do need to do more than think about leaving him. You are not bringing your child up in an appropriate environment. The test for removal - risk of significant harm - isn't just about physical harm but also emotional. The environment sounds toxic. And being a 'good enough' parent, as SS require, doesn't even mean you have to be the perpetrator to fail to meet the test. Someone else can be but if you fail to protect your child from them, you are considered not good enough as a parent. So do your job as a parent, protect your child and remove them from this toxic home environment. There are organisations out there that can support you to leave. Above posters are right - you are part victim but also the adult and parent. You do have responsibility on you to act for your child and protect them whatever it is that is happening to you and however hard it is x

Yes but you're suggesting adding the Au Pair now, and getting her to help squirrel away cash back for the "nest egg". You don't ever invite another person, unwittingly, into a situation like this and use them in this way.

Hi Op - I’m wondering if you came from an abusive background given you are staying with an alcoholic. Please google Adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families - you will see the traits that children brought up in these families endure as adults. It affects all areas of their lives.
I am one. Please put your daughter first. Your snapping because your stressed. Do you apologise to her and say I’m sorry - do you do anything fun together - do you do anything for your own mental well being - beauty treatments, walking in nature - we need to charge our own batteries.
You may need support to leave him - you could contact Alanon - there is also a website called Tuesday Toolbox that has various recordings of talks from adults in co-dependent relationship/ living with alcoholics. You may be trauma bonded to him. Counselling - I wish you well for your future and by reaching out you are starting the process. 🌺

I feel really sorry for your child.

SS has been called out twice, you admit you constantly shout and her and the neighbours have to ask if you’re ok because of the constant shouting.

If you’re not planning on leaving anytime soon (which I don’t think you are) have you thought about temporary foster care? If not at the very least you both need to take parenting courses.

You need to start putting your child first.

However it's not true that social services have been called due to arguments; I've had my neighbours asked me if I'm OK because they've heads shouting, but no SS involvement there.

The thing is, while you seem to be separating out the shouting problems and the relationship problems, I doubt it's that clear cut for anyone else. If I heard a neighbour shouting at their kid on a morning, I'd think "ugh, sounds like one of those mornings, poor pair of them". If I heard a neighbour shouting at their kid and I also routinely heard the parents screaming at each other and had any inkling there was enough booze being consumed to floor a Viking, I'd probably think "hmm, wonder if everything is okay, maybe someone needs to check on the kid in this situation".

A harassed mum in an otherwise calm and stable household is different to a harassed mum in a volatile, booze-soaked household. Your relationship with your child and the level of risk in the eyes of social services would likely both be improved by getting rid of this unpleasant sounding man.

Count to three op before you start to shout.

I had a shouty mum like that when I was a little girl and you never know where you are and it creates anxiety in children.

Just stop and think before you say anything. Look at her before you feel yourself getting stressed.

Can guarantee her facial expressions will be of either confusion or panic being created by you yelling at her.

Get up earlier if that's the issue.

If your neighbours have asked if your ok because they've heard shouting from your house between you and partner then clearly it's not ok.

Not sorry to be sounding harsh op but sounds like you need to get rid of the husband and deal with your own issues or your dd will grow up in a stressy shouty house. And that's not pleasant

my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue

If this is the case social services should be involved. Maybe you would be less stressed if you left him.

@Foodbanksshouldbeobsolete Outstanding post. 👏
I hope OP will take heed on the advice.

You've been reported twice by two different people on two separate occasions, you're now worried you will be reported again. I'm only reading your side of the story and I feel for your daughter.

Sometimes people post on mumsnet as they have no one to talk to IRL.
Why is this thread annoying to you?

The reason I haven't left him is because DD loves her dad and loves living here usually.

It's the school run and partner drinking that causes the problems. DD and I do everything together, we have breakfast together everyday, do crafts, go to park on playdates, to softplay etc. She is a happy child.
But yes, there is too much shouting.

I thank everyone for their advice, I will take the tips for getting out in the morning on board.

It’s annoying to us because it sounds like your concern is more about the likelihood of SS being called, as opposed to how your partner’s alcoholism, verbally abusive behaviours and your shouting constantly at DD is affecting her.

I'll leave this thread be now.

Thanks.

The reason I haven't left him is because DD loves her dad and loves living here usually.

That’s a terrible reason, OP. I’m so sorry, I’m just being honest.

He is abusive towards YOU, IN FRONT of her. You are raising her to believe that that is normal. That his alcoholism is normal.

The reason you haven’t left him, imo, is because you’re understandably scared of doing it all alone but guess what? You already are alone.

You need to make a decision and quickly because it sounds like SS involvement is not far off if this continues.

If I can give you the child’s perspective.

my mum yelled a lot when we were little. She threw temper tantrums if things weren’t to her liking. The neighbours would have heard. Social services came once. I don’t know why.

I remember feeling unsafe, never knowing which version of her would turn up. To this day I hate confrontation - it impacts both my work and personal life. I have had counselling about some issues and we can trace it back to feeing like I was the focus for my mother’s rage.

i don’t have children and I am not married. I am terrified of turning into her.

please talk to someone about how you cope with stress. This is having a huge impact on your little girl.

and leave you useless husband

Sometimes people post on mumsnet as they have no one to talk to IRL.
Why is this thread annoying to you?

I shouldn't have wrote that or allowed myself get annoyed or emotional over your DD's welfare.

I sincerely apologise I see that you need help, I hope you get the help from here to change your mindset enabling you to throw your lazy DP out or go to a hostel.

Something needs to change, your DD will need years of support to mend this unless it changes pronto.

I understand that you're feeling attacked and very defensive, when living in these kinds of situations we have to be incredibly good at compart-mentalising. It protects us from seeing the full reality all at once and having to act, but I think if you read back through your own posts you may see that this is one big problem and not lots of little problems. The shouting in the morning is a symptom of a bigger problem in your life. It does not exist in isolation, and it and other issues like it will keep arising so long as you continue to ignore the root cause. I really hope that you can open yourself up to the possibility of a happier way of life, for you and your child's sake. You both deserve a life free from shouting and fear of services, and from somebody who has done just that I assure you that there is a better way to live than this. I promise.

I think it would be a good thing if social services turn up again op. You are failing to safeguard your own child from this toxic and abusive environment you live in. You are obviously completely unable to put her first.

This is such an insightful and helpful post that I had to quote it. @again2020 please take some time to read this a few times and let it sink in. You’re at a crossroads and can move forward from this. I really hope you take this wonderful advice on board. There is support out there, don’t be alone.

Self refer to your gp or hv fir some therapy and support
Get some support to leave
Leave the house as is in the morning
Tell yourself to breathe and stop shouting

Forgetting things before nursery and using excuses to delay are totally normal for her age.
Patience is a must.

I also get so stressed trying to get the kids in the car and to school before work. It’s like a switch is flicked I feel under so much pressure. I put as much as I can in the car the night before so I’m not managing bags as well as children. My OH leaves 30 mins before us and just gets to stroll out without a second glance, I’m sure I’m holding onto some pent up irritation from that too.

I think there is a very high threshold for children to be removed. I should also say I always leave my kids on the drive if they’re sleeping, I am
surprised this is something of concern!

Sorry OP, I have to agree with this. I loved (and still love) my father as a child. He could be very fun and affectionate when he hadn't had huge amounts to drink, but he could also be unpredictable and emotionally abusive. I have a decent relationship with him now I'm older and he's stopped drinking, but the effects of growing up with an alcoholic have had a profound effect on my personality. No matter how much I loved him, he just wasn't a suitable person to bring up a child, but I wasn't in a position to understand that as a small child. I needed the other adults in my life to recognise the risk and protect me.

You have mental health problems, you shout a lot, you should be brushing the toddler's teeth, you have an alcoholic husband and you're 'stressed.'

Instead of worrying about SS, start sorting you're life out. The first thing they'll notice is the alcoholic and the arguing. The stress that'll be putting on your daughter is immense. You're keeping her in an unhealthy environment and that's the first red flag they'll see.