To think social services may be called (again) for my behaviour?

[again2020]

I have a DD (4) and we do everything together- I taught her to ride a bike, we go to the parks and farms locally, dancing, swimming etc but I'm also the one who takes her to pre school and I find the school run very stressful. DD messes about and finds reasons to dawdle- goes back for toys and wants to put sticks from the garden in the car, won't brush her teeth etc and we are always on the last minute. I have a 60 mile round trip every day for work and get stressed when we run late and I end up shouting and slamming doors and running around in a mad panic, trying to get DD in car and house in fit state before I leave. I don't swear (well, hardly at all) but if you heard me you'd hear me counting from 10 to 1 for DD to get in her seat "For gods sake get in the car, now" "stop playing up" ...today it was "your a mess, that's dirty"... that kind of thing. Her dad is lazy and doesn't do anything to help in fact he's often still in bed by the time we leave for school.

I get on OK with my neighbours at the moment but I'm sure they hear me shouting and stressing. Two houses one side have no kids, next door have two but I don't hear anything and ditto next to that.
I'm so scared social services will be called as people think I'm loosing it and being an abusive mum. For context, I've been called SS on twice. First time was my MIL, about me giving DD hot food straight from the oven. This happened once or twice but in my defence I had post partum psychosis and lingering depression and was exhausted as DD didn't sleep well for years. I couldn't believe MIL did that.
Also a neighbour- I don't think it's the ones I've already mentioned- rang SS as I left DD in her car seat to sleep for a few mins while I put some shopping away a couple of years ago...the window was open and I checked her every couple of minutes. I haven't done this since as I was mortified when SS rang me again. I'm on pins about it happening again basically.

On top of what I've mentioned,my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue and neighbours regularly see me take loads of empty drinks bottles to the recycling bins.

So my question is : AIBU to think SS will be called again because of behaviour like mine?

Also, how can I stop stressing and shouting in the morning rush? I try to get everything possible ready the night before but it doesn't help the struggle to leave the house.

Thanks if you read my garbled tale.

Would you consider attending a parenting course?
Your DD is very young, please don't yell at her. None of this is her fault and shouting at her will just make her fearful, stressed and anxious which will just make the situation worse.
Id be getting rid of useless DH as well, unless he gets his act together.
You can turn this around.

What an awful MIL. Sounds like her son is the problem, not you.

Genuine question- is the shouting productive? Does it do the trick?

Who knows? You have to change your attitude towards DD, stressing won't help.

Start getting her out earlier.

Its horrible starting the day shouting.

Worry more about the impact your current situation is having on your child than the chance a neighbour might call SS.
Honestly, would it be THAT bad if they did?

What stresses you most about leaving the house in the morning - DD being late for school, or you being late for work as a result?
If it's the latter, could you negotiate with your company to either start a bit later, or work flexi time?

Kids are often a royal pain in the mornings - especially if they don't actually want to go to school. One of my friends took her son to school in his pants because he refused to get dressed in time - but of course she had his clothes in the car so he could get dressed before he left the car. I've threatened my younger DS with similar, which always works - he always manages to get dressed before we leave the house. He doesn't like school much, but he hates being late and hates being embarrassed in any way, so it usually does the trick!

Are you able to still pick your 4yo up? Or is she too heavy now? If you can pick her up, then do so - bundle her into the car rather than wait for her to stop dithering around.
If she forgets stuff to delay you leaving, tell her it's too bad, she'll have to go without then. If it's deliberate, she'll soon stop that one!

I also agree that your H adds very little positive to your life and it will probably only get worse as your DD continues to see him being so lazy - so maybe bin him off and your DD's attitude might improve!

Your husband works from home, why wasn't he greeting you at the door and getting your shopping in with/for you?

If he binge drinks, does he do this in front of child? Do you want child to have this role model?

If he is at home, he needs to be waking up and having breakfast with you as a family, and assisting your child to get ready. I presume a weekend of binge drinking doesn't help him get out of bed.

What time does child go to bed? Can she go half an hour earlier? Mine is 4, she is in bed by 7:30pm latest

Alcoholic husband needs to change, contribute fairly, or go.

Social services would critisise you for not leaving him as it stands.

Have you tried turning the mornings into a fun race with your DD?

I was a single mum to 4DC and as nuts as it may seem me pretending to raise them to get ready on a school morning really helped us get out of the house on time.

They enjoyed and so did I(I enjoyed it because it made the children go faster and it ment I didn't have to raise my voice or keep repeating myself)once I introduced the idea of a competition kids verses Mummy it helped us leave on time and we'd all be leaving the house smiling.

It's worth a try with your little girl.

If it was me i would try and make a game of everything for your daughter "can you get upstairs and start brushing your teeth before i count to 5? Ready, steady, go!" "You can choose something to bring in the car, what do you want to bring today?", "I am going to put a song on, lets race and get our shoes and bag before it finishes" etc. Keep reminding her about good things at school "oh when we get to school we can tell Mrs Pickle all about your new bike / you getting ready so nicely" etc etc, or "shall we try and beat Maisie to school?" Etc.

I know how stressful it gets in the moment, and mornings are nobodys favourite part of the day when you have young kids . It seems like you want things to get better and you can make that happen.

Also, i would leave housework in the mornings. It isn't a priority.

Also there is family support available if you would like that, its called Early Help where i live. If you have a chat with school and explain that routines and boundaries at home are hard and you could use some support with getting DH on board with helping you, they should be able to get the ball rolling. EH can give you practical support but also link you with other organisations who may be able to help

Your a good Mum, stop being hard on yourself. Your not screaming or being abusive to your daughter, your getting frustrated at being late and raising your voice to tell her to hurry up. Just as a teacher does.

You seem to have a lot on and OH sounds useless to you. Your post reads that you resent him and if this is true it will get worse. You should think long and hard about the future you want for you and your daughter and if he's in it?
If not start making plans for the two of you now. ( you and your daughter)

The only thing social services would worry about is the arguing and excessive drinking.
That is not good for your little one and can cause ACE's.
Stop being hard on yourself but look at the whole situation. If your being honest with yourself you know it's not good or you wouldn't have written this post- the only thing you have wrong is which parent SS would be worried about.

I agree with ohdofuckoffdear.

1. Get rid of DH. Waste of space. Life will improve 100%
2. Be playful. Make boring daily tasks fun by racing or playing. Sounds hard work but is so affective. And breaks the stand offs/arguements

My daughter is the same age. Nothing to fo with patents, shes just uncopetative personality wise. We were gettingvto school an HOUR late .
I fevided learning by epetience was a racyic. I forewarned school as i fidnt know wahat was going to happen.
I woke her with pkenty of time.her vlther wrtexall out in a pile. She gas breakfast first. If she wasnt eating it itxwsscrajrn away and she ws yold yo get dtessed (she still neefs help) of she refused to fo itn or shes etc, they were in a bag and sgexwas on the sep in underwear (or whateverx stagecshes decided she was doung shoeless..door shut. We ate going yo school. You will be thete dressed like that, you will be cold whayevet id televant. If ypu get in your seat now ypu fan change and do in birmally if upu dont ypu wont have yime and will wear that. Iniyialoy tjete was scteamingxand fusbiepf but my unwaveringcactoons causedcreluctant dlow coopetation. She ffd it again the next day bit less baf. Third fsy cured. No ptoplems again
In this dituation utsxa power battle. My dd wants yo retain power and be in charge. Thats normal in childhoid development in your case your child has added reasons to feel they need control and you are fighting that alone whilst the problem remains causing the proboem, accepting no redpobsibility and leaving you yo carry the cam and the worry.
Ypuve two fish to fry. Think catefully what you need uo do. Its tough. You jeed a short yetm syrategy but a realistic long-term plan is essential.

Sorty abput tuping. Im on meds cant see!

Honestly it’s stressful to get me out of the door in the morning, much less a little one. I count it as a win if I get out on the first try. My only advice is to get up and moving 15 min earlier and to block out the routine for both you in time increments. It’s easier to recover time if benchmarks along the way are able to be seen, if that makes sense.

Why do you stay with him?

Could you move nearer your job before DD starts school?

Every kid is like you describe. You have one child. You have nothing extraordinary to cope with yet you're making it more than it is. Get up earlier. Manage it better. If you've had SS called out twice there is something massively wrong however much you try and minimise it.

Bit harsh, OP has a lot going on and came here for advice. Why can't people offer advice and not just criticise.

I did. Get up earlier. Also knowing that her situation isn't anything extraordinary will help her feel less of a victim? She's got 1 kid and works 3 days a week. We all have to manage hectic mornings with kids (and from where I'm standing, one kid would be an absolute walk in the park).

I've shouted at my kids but noone has ever called SS on me so to have them called out twice makes me a bit suspicious that op is minimising.

I remember you from your other threads, OP. If I recall correctly, neighbours rang SS because of the massive arguments they could hear from your house?

You’ve been posting about your issues here for quite a while and have received good advice. You need to leave this man as he’s a threat to you, and to your daughter.

I think SS is a red herring, you obviously feel like you are not handling the mornings well.

Apart from the other changes you could make in your life, let me recommend you take Vitamin B complex, it is really is brilliant for helping you to deal with stress and small children. It will take about three weeks for you to feel the effect but it is well worth it.

I've never known SS be particularly supportive to people TBH. Maybe if the people had MH problems, but I think it'd make anyone with MH problems more stresed out to have SS involved with their child.

Sounds like you need to bin your lame, problem drinking partner @again2020 xx

@again2020

Having read your previous posts and the one today, I really feel for you as this isn't a good situation that you're in.

I also got a feeling that you are scared of your partner.

You said that there is a joint account as well as having your own personal one.

What I would do in your situation is everytime I went to the supermarket, I would get £50 out, as cash back so he thinks that it's just shopping. In this way I would save a little nest egg, so that I could leave him.

Perhaps move closer to your work and find DD a school there.

Also, re: the mornings. You said that you were going to ask your spouse to walk DD to school.

Have you thought (assuming you have a third bedroom) of getting an au pair, to help you and take DD to school?

When I was in the UK, I think the au pair cost about £60 or so a week.

I mention this as you and DD have got in to bad morning habits.

Also, an au pair will help with light housework and laundry. And the au pair won't be stressed in the mornings and although they have weekends off (generally), they will be there during the week in the evening and perhaps you could go out then.

Please consider the au pair and also getting cash back with your shopping to help build up a little nest egg, for you and DD.

Also, please turn to women's aid as they can help you get out of this situation.

I really don't think DD would want to live with spouse because a few weekend visits would make DD realise that her dad is not the same as mum ❣

ditch the alcoholic "partner" and move closer to work

Do you realise that you are in an abusive relationship? The neighbours are concerned enough about the rows they hear that they call SS. Have the police ever been called?

OP, you wrote this in 2020:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4101151-So-toxic?postsby=again2020

Some of your other posts relay similar. You are having a miserable time because of the men in your life as your dad sounds horrible too.

None of this is your fault.

You are worth more, your daughter is worth more. Now you must make a choice (and continuing with the same is also a choice). You probably subconsciously think you deserve this so can't think you can do better but think of her. What would she think about her childhood? Do you want her to go through the same as you in terms of how she feels about herself?

We are all products of our environment. Oppression always trickles down. You are oppressed and it's having an effect on your daughter. Again, this is not your fault.

I know LTB is easy to say so I won't say it but at the very least please seek out some support and advice. Do it for your daughter if you won't do it for you.

Just go and do one.

It's clear the OP is struggling with wider issues. Your so called advice is rubbish.