To think social services may be called (again) for my behaviour?

[again2020]

I have a DD (4) and we do everything together- I taught her to ride a bike, we go to the parks and farms locally, dancing, swimming etc but I'm also the one who takes her to pre school and I find the school run very stressful. DD messes about and finds reasons to dawdle- goes back for toys and wants to put sticks from the garden in the car, won't brush her teeth etc and we are always on the last minute. I have a 60 mile round trip every day for work and get stressed when we run late and I end up shouting and slamming doors and running around in a mad panic, trying to get DD in car and house in fit state before I leave. I don't swear (well, hardly at all) but if you heard me you'd hear me counting from 10 to 1 for DD to get in her seat "For gods sake get in the car, now" "stop playing up" ...today it was "your a mess, that's dirty"... that kind of thing. Her dad is lazy and doesn't do anything to help in fact he's often still in bed by the time we leave for school.

I get on OK with my neighbours at the moment but I'm sure they hear me shouting and stressing. Two houses one side have no kids, next door have two but I don't hear anything and ditto next to that.
I'm so scared social services will be called as people think I'm loosing it and being an abusive mum. For context, I've been called SS on twice. First time was my MIL, about me giving DD hot food straight from the oven. This happened once or twice but in my defence I had post partum psychosis and lingering depression and was exhausted as DD didn't sleep well for years. I couldn't believe MIL did that.
Also a neighbour- I don't think it's the ones I've already mentioned- rang SS as I left DD in her car seat to sleep for a few mins while I put some shopping away a couple of years ago...the window was open and I checked her every couple of minutes. I haven't done this since as I was mortified when SS rang me again. I'm on pins about it happening again basically.

On top of what I've mentioned,my partner drinks a lot and we sometimes argue and neighbours regularly see me take loads of empty drinks bottles to the recycling bins.

So my question is : AIBU to think SS will be called again because of behaviour like mine?

Also, how can I stop stressing and shouting in the morning rush? I try to get everything possible ready the night before but it doesn't help the struggle to leave the house.

Thanks if you read my garbled tale.

You sound incredibly stressed, even the way you have written your post is stressed.

SS to one side, the fact you have even written this seems like you aren't happy with your behaviour to your daughter so it's worth working on that.

If you can leave yourself more time to get your daughter to school. Shouting and threatening is tiring for you, is leaving you feeling guilty and doesn't work. So is there something else, could you pretend to race her or build the dawdling into the walk to the car? Can you reason with her, one of our daughters needed to be reasoned with when she was calm for her to understand why she couldn't take our cat to pre school. Everyday the same discussion but one day at a random time talking to her about why it wasn't possible and she got it, the problem resolved itself.

Try different things and when you find what works keep going with that.

I've shouted at my kids but noone has ever called SS on me so to have them called out twice makes me a bit suspicious that op is minimising.

I agree with this. Not downplaying how stressful mornings are with a preschooler btw. But SS have been over to do safeguarding checks on my DD twice since she was born, solely due to mental health issues I was struggling with (call handlers at 111 contacted them). I just think I had a shit time adjusting to motherhood. Post natal depression.

But both times, the case was very quickly closed and if anything, the second time they were actually quite annoyed as they said this was not a safeguarding issue, the child is fine and living conditions basically perfect, and that it’s the mother that needs support from Adult Social Care.

So anyway, getting on to my point here, social services would not have been called twice (by neighbours or family, mind you, not a medical professional) for no reason.

The situation about leaving your DD in the car whilst unpacking the shopping. I read it twice. You say you only left her in there for a few minutes but that you were checking on her ‘every couple of minutes’. So to me, that sounds like she was in there much longer than 3 minutes. Was it also the middle of summer? Not criticising you, just saying your story doesn’t add up in some places.

MIL called SS on you knowing her son is an alcoholic, but called them on you for giving your DD food out of the oven that was too hot? SS would tell someone calling for that purpose to stop wasting their time. So again, something is missing from the story there.

Either way, I completely agree with pp’s that the main and only problem here, is your beloved husband. He sounds like a selfish prick. I don’t know what support you have outside of your home but please utilise whatever support you do have and get the hell away from him.

You do not want your daughter growing up thinking that behaviour is normal.

Last but not least, yes, all toddlers do this in the morning. Wake up earlier. I’m talking, 5am if you have to.

I left DD in her car seat to sleep for a few mins while I put some shopping away a couple of years ago...the window was open and I checked her every couple of minutes

Thats not for a few mins though is it…
if you’re checking every few mins it must be longer than a few mins.

I think you have lots going on & the anxiety around social services is no doubt adding to an already stressed environment. You shouting at your daughter is an symptom of all of that together. And the outcome of it makes you feel more anxious.

i would second the breakfast club my daughter loved it and really helped with the morning mayhem - when covid restrictions lifted I didn’t need it anymore last year but kept it going as it worked for all of us.

You need to ask yourself whether the relationship is right for you & does it provide a healthy place for your daughter? Drinking excessively every weekend I guess also means he has his own issues to deal with. Your the teacher to your child would you want your own daughter to be in the same situation as you - what would you say & want for her. You should want the same for yourself.

Start by reducing the juggling & small
steps - the fact you don’t want to be shouty Mum is a positive thing your self aware. It would take alot for Social Services to remove a child. They may be able to help point you to extra support ?

You're playing a dangerous game living in a toxic environment if you're very scared of losing DD.

You've been reported twice, your living with a drunk who argues, shouting at your DC, driving the car frustrated from arguing with a 4 y.o.

I'd be concerned for DD if I was your neighbour and probably report you.

*I've shouted at my kids but noone has ever called SS on me so to have them called out twice makes me a bit suspicious that op is minimising. *

I agree. I think the family set-up here has been troubling to outsiders for some time. It may not in meet any threshold for action by Social Services, but all is not well here.

In a perfect world no one would shout at their kids but as a pp has said anyone who’s had children knows how stressful the morning school run can be. So please don’t think your a bad parent for shouting and sometimes swearing, the fact you realise this and want to change shows that you want to be the best parent. If your dh brings very little to your life you need to find the courage to leave or ask him to. As someone who left a functioning alcoholic I understand how much the walking on eggshells adds to your stress, I’m a lot less shouty now I’m not considering making things less stressy for him! A 4 year old would adapt to a move but consider if you would be leaving anyone who is a support. I hope things improve for you soon

Oh OP - you're clearly going through a lot of stress here.

But the main cause isn't DD, the school run or mornings - it's your "D"P - he's abusive, an alcoholic and a waste of space. Your life will be so much easier and much less stressful without him in it.

Instead of making the passive choice to stay, please start looking at making different choices for your DD's sake if nothing else.

I've never had SS call on me (I've called on them and I had to tell them that I was willing to say that I hit DD1 to get the help we needed before they took me seriously!).

I have left my children in the car on the driveway when they were asleep. Checking on them frequently. It was about 10-15 years ago but it wasn't an issue for me.

I have carried my child into school with no socks and shoes, handed them over and said 'Couldn't get her to wear these...' I have taken my child to school reception on a Christmas non-uniform day and said 'She couldn't decide which jumper to wear. She hasn't brushed her hair and she hasn't had breakfast' then handed over a bag with a choice of 2 jumpers and a hairbrush. The HT phoned me later to say 'She chose the grey jumper, her hair is in a pony tail and I sneaked her into the kitchen during assembly and she's had a chocolate brownie. You did exactly the right thing.'

Needing help is not the issue here.

Do you know why your DD is struggling? Could you aim to be out of the house half-an-hour earlier? I always work backwards so I consider myself 'late' half an hour before we would have to leave to be just on time.

You are suggesting an Au Pair joins this household, ie likely a young woman, on the same post as giving ideas on an exit plan from a possibly abusive situation? Why would an Au Pair want to live in a home like this?

I don’t normally do this but I’ve had a read of your previous posts and your dh is an abusive arsehole. Keeping you awake playing loud music when he’s been drinking ? Etc etc? No wonder you’re exhausted and fed up. You need to leave him.

This.

You’re already on their radar. You need to be very careful here.

You've had loads of good advice about your partner and I think you know that you need to give a lot of consideration to the relationship so I'm going to focus on the practical stuff.

Get as much done the night before as you can. Bag packed for both of you. Lunches made. Clothes laid out ready. Coats and shoes by the door.

Help DD to get dressed and brush her teeth for her. Yes I know it doesn't teach her independence but in all honesty, that isn't really the time to teach it anyway. I used to do the same for my two when I had to do the nursery / work run and they still managed to learn to dress themselves in time for starting school.

No screens or play time until she's dressed / teeth brushed / eaten breakfast.

You mentioned getting the house into a fit state before leaving. Why are you doing this? Does it matter if you come home to some washing up etc? It just adds to the morning chaos.

My two have a thing about taking toys etc in the car so five minutes before we leave I tell them to choose a toy they want to take and then come and get their shoes on.

Also, are you giving yourself enough time? When DH takes the kids anywhere alone he always makes the mistake of thinking that it will take 20 minutes to get there because that is how long it take HIM to get there. He never accounts for kids faffing about or dawdling and as such he's almost always late. Almost ten years in and he still hasn't grasped this 🤣 So think about how much extra time you need for DD to get in the car, including the extra time she needs for faffing etc and add that to your journey time.

Hope that helps.

I bet if you ditched the useless partner you'd have the headspace to come up with some strategies to improve the morning routine.

@TurnOverANewPage

If she leaves/throws him out, she will need the extra help as she adjusts to a new normal.

Once her partner is out of the picture she might be less stressed but she will still have the issue of getting DD to school in the morning.

Just read the other thread someone linked to. Your poor little dd. I think dd desperately needs someone to look out for her and get her away from her arsehole of a "father". If you can't or won't, then maybe they'll help her instead.

They don't take children away for no reason. If you really think this is a possibility then you must know how bad things are for your dd.

Sorry it’s all so tough, OP.

One trick that really helps me in the morning is to build in ‘dicking about’ time to the schedule. When I remember that there’s an inevitable amount of going back for a stick, wanting bike instead of scooter etc etc, and factor that in by leaving ten minutes earlier, it all goes a lot more smoothly.

And I agree with what everyone is saying about your husband.

Just read the other thread someone linked to. Your poor little dd. I think dd desperately needs someone to look out for her and get her away from her arsehole of a "father". If you can't or won't, then maybe they'll help her instead.
This.
Risk of future emotional abuse is a big one for SS.
Your DD is already dealing with emotional abuse, the risk is passed.
Get it together, leave him or lose her.

Wow, only checked mumsnet this morning after going to sleep last night. I'd like to the everyone for the advice and tips to help me especially @NoCleverNickname .
Yes, it's true I've posted before about our relationship, it is pretty dire. However it's not true that social services have been called due to arguments; I've had my neighbours asked me if I'm OK because they've heads shouting, but no SS involvement there. The two times they've been called were due to MIL and one take my daughter was asleep in the car (I guess it was longer than 5 minutes, but not long at all).

Anyhow, it's clear I need to think about leaving him and probably not post anymore until I do.
Thank you everyone who posted, I think getting up earlier is the key (7am) and I'll do my best to stop shouting

I'm getting annoyed by this so leaving the thread, you are part victim however you're the adult.

Why the heck are you worrying about neighbours when the little girl in front of you is the soundboard.

No excuses are good enough.

However it's not true that social services have been called due to arguments; I've had my neighbours asked me if I'm OK because they've heads shouting, but no SS involvement there.
Awh well if only neighbours and DD were exposed its alright.
Your only concern is SS.

Your problems, in my humble opinion are these:

the lazy, drunk husband who is in bed when you leave - why is he?! Perhaps you should suggest he helps out or leaves.
The 60 mile trip to work. Get a job nearer to home - even if it was less money, you'd save on petrol so it wouldn't make a lot of difference, surely?

I think that the fear of social services comes not just from your past experiences but because you know that things are less than ideal and that you yourself have concerns, you can see that somebody in a safeguarding role would have these concerns because you share them. You know you're in a toxic relationship with an abusive alcoholic, your stressed out and not parenting your best (and he's opted out), and your shouting a lot at your child sometimes in a way that is excessive compared to those around you (venting your frustration, because it's always for the person shouting not the recipient). Basically what's happening is you can see that this pattern of toxic interaction is being passed to your child through your burn out and their dads apathy/alcoholic bullying combo. This isn't really about social services, this is you safeguarding your own child and then ignoring it. Every time you think 'somebody could call social services on my behaviour right now' what your really getting is a warning to change the behaviour (which won't change without changing your situation) or continue but know it could harm your child irreparably. Your awareness means you have the opportunity to be a circuit breaker for generational trauma, to break the pattern of generational bullying, toxicity, dysfunction. To give your child a better environment and learn better methods of communication to help them not to repeat your relationship patterns. This feeling of great fear and uncertainty is a gift, because not everyone is even aware of what the problem is or even that there is a problem. You can see clearly what behaviour you are unhappy with, you know deeply you should prioritise your child, nobody said doing that is going to be easy. But you alone can make that change. Or twenty or so years down the line, your child will be in the same kind of toxic relationship and perpetuating that cycle onto their child. Not everyone is given the choice to become a circuit breaker, because not everyone has the capacity to be honest to themselves or aware of their patterns. This is your wake up call, this is your opportunity not just to change your life and your child's life, but reaching out for generations to come, and to everyone they interact with As well. This is how we change the world one tiny piece at a time by choosing the hard path and walking away from the toxic chain of abuse and forging a different path. You have been given the gift of self awareness, what are you going to do with it?

They probably should be called because of your partner's drinking if it is that bad. I know people who grew up with an alcoholic parent and the impacts on them are awful as adults. You should leave your partner - he doesnt help anyway - and you'll probably find you are a lot less stressed out and can cope better.

In the meantime, leave more time in the morning to account for the dawdling. Kids naturally do this and shouting and saying mean things does not help your stress and it doesnt help them not to dawdle. It can feel quite scary for a child to be shouted at. I always find if I get agitated even with my child (I dont shout but use a firm voice when agitated) when I reflect back it has taken longer to resolve the issue compared to when I'm more patient and just accept it will take a bit of time. My point is you arent saving the time you want to save by shouting and getting stressed. If you can think of it that way - that you'll be out of the door quicker if you stay calm - it may help you to. And reflect back each morning on how you behaved and how it went. It helps you to see how things havent worked and how other things have. It is a miserable existence for your child and you if you're shouting and stressed each morning.

Leave him, move closer to work and your daughter can go to a school nearby your new house.