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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dread moving into house furnished and styled by inlaws?

79 replies

talesofginza · 01/05/2022 18:15

Retired PIL are living in a house my DH purchased 7 years ago while we were dating but not yet married or living together. We are living in a smaller but more central place that PIL own in the same city. It has always been understood that once we start to have kids we will swap with them as we will need the space. This is all fine.

Where I might be unreasonable is that I am dreading making the swap a bit because it feels like we will be living in my inlaws’ house and among their possessions rather than our own first family home. When DH bought the house it was understood that his DP would go to live there first. They put some money into the refurbishment -- so all interior and new furniture decisions were made by DH with his DP. He asked what I thought about one big ticket item at the time, I said I didn’t particularly like it, he bought it anyway, and that was that. Which wasn’t a problem, he bought the house and we weren’t yet married so he could do as he wanted and decorate his house as he pleased. PIL also moved in a lot of their prior furniture and decorations as well.

Now we are facing the prospect of moving there as a young family, and the house is very much decorated and furnished to his parents’ taste. In some ways it's a replica of the house they lived in before for many years, which I guess DH didn't mind. While it’s a nice home, it is not my style and I would have chosen quite a few things differently. They won’t be able to take much of their furniture (or vast book collection) when we swap because it won’t fit, so I’m getting anxious about the prospect of moving in and being stuck with their stuff and their taste for decades. DH was even talking about letting them leave some of their clothes in the closets after they move as they probably have too many to fit in the smaller house, which caused an argument (I really draw the line at having to share my home closet with my MIL, as much as I love her..!). He has since backtracked on that. I have also mentioned to DH maybe wanting to change a few things in the house to make it more ‘ours’ (which I would be happy to pay for) – for example the very brightly coloured kitchen – which he got very upset about and it ended in a big argument. He had assumed I loved the house (I don't know why, he didn't actually speak to me about any of the choices they were making when he bought it bar one, which he didn't even listen to). From his view, which I acknowledge is reasonable, the refurbishment and lots of the fixtures and fittings are barely 6 years old, so it doesn’t make sense to change any of that, while for his parents’ older furniture and bulky possessions (pictures on walls etc), what’s so wrong with keeping it rather than forking out for new things.

I don’t know. I am probably BU but I guess I am just looking for some tough love or suggestions to make me feel better! I realise there are much bigger problems to have, I just feel a bit disappointed to see all our friends making their first family homes their own together as a couple, while we are looking at moving into what is effectively my inlaws' place and not being able to change much about it. AIBU to feel this way?

OP posts:
Sciurus83 · 01/05/2022 18:23

Of course YANBU to want to live in a house you've decorated to your own taste. They need to get rid of all their stuff, and while figures and fittings might be too expensive painting is surely not a big request. I couldn't stand a bright kitchen.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 01/05/2022 18:26

Put your foot down. What they can't take they sell or give away or put in storage. Paint and decorate to your taste.

2catsandhappy · 01/05/2022 18:47

Start looking for storage options. Rental units. Suitcases in attic. Boxes in garage. Show willing. Be practical.
But, absolutely stick to your guns that you are not moving into a furnished house. You want your own furniture in your own home.

If you don't already DIY(paint, paper) then learn.

Cherrysoup · 01/05/2022 18:54

I think you might need to compromise on some issues, but I’d say they need to get rid of their possessions (Swedish death cleaning!) so you can have room for your stuff and that of the children. You can’t be manoeuvring round their huge book collection, that’s just ridiculous.

Wombat98 · 01/05/2022 18:57

Sounds like the tip of an iceberg here. Bit dictatorial on every count.

mnahmnah · 01/05/2022 18:58

Like any other house, if they are moving out, they move everything out! Re-carpet, paint etc to make it yours and move your stuff in. It shouldn’t be any other way. Your DH has a very strange take on it

Baystard · 01/05/2022 19:06

I agree about putting your foot down.

If it's difficult getting their stuff out now, before you move in, it'll be a million times harder after you've moved. You could end up unable to make design decisions until the PIL die because you're stuck with their furniture and can't get rid of it.

If they keep clothes in a closet now, when will they ever have room for them? You'll have them forever OP.

It'll be a permanent sore point.

Rip off the plaster now. Decide which furniture you both like, the rest is sold or PIL put it into storage. Fresh start.

TheSnowyOwl · 01/05/2022 19:10

I don’t think YABU. I’m assuming selling isn’t an option?

I agree about storage units and I think your PIL need to empty the house.

billy1966 · 01/05/2022 19:38

Your husband sounds so disrespectful of you.

YANBU.

He actually sounds like a bully.

Why you would be having a family with someone so utterly unconcerned about you wanting something as basic as feeling comfortable in your own home is very odd.

I think you need to have a long hard look at him, because from what you have written, he is no prize.

His parents are very clearly his priority.

Him wanting you to share wardrobe space with his mother, in your own home is frankly unbelievable.

KatharinaRosalie · 01/05/2022 19:40

so what's the plan, you're saying all their furniture won't fit, meaning they will take some? What about your current stuff, will it stay in the current house?

I would also say that move is move, both parties move their things out and sell or store what they can't fit in their new home. I get that swapping out perfectly good fixtures might be a waste, but re-painting costs peanuts.

VintageGibbons · 01/05/2022 19:44

I feel for you. I have lived with DPiLs taste for 25 years because it is such 'good quality' (feckin unbreakable) stuff. I have eased in a few things of my own and tbh have got so used to it that I barely ntoice it all now. but our house has never been styled the way I would choose. Ever. And it used to upset me a lot. I think it's made me take less good care of the house over the years. Because it doesn't fill me with joy when I walk through the door.

Rewis · 01/05/2022 19:45

You're not unreasonable. However you need to sort this out before you move in. I think the first thing to society is if your husband feels like its his house or if it is your joint home. If he genuinely thinks it's for the both of you then he should be able to make compromises. What things in the house are things he really wants there. What are ting you really want to change.

Also you need to agree with your husband that it's your home and not in laws old home that they can just leave their stuff in etc.

lakeswimmer · 01/05/2022 19:53

YANBU. They can't leave their stuff in your house. If there isn't room for it in their new house they will have to sort through it and get rid of some of it which is what anyone else would need to do. How can you move your possessions in if theirs are still there?

If your DH doesn't see that then suggest selling the house and moving to a new place that you have chosen together.

SpacePotato · 01/05/2022 19:59

Is the bright kitchen just a paint job?

Is the house you live in the one that belongs to PIL decorated to their taste or yours?

Tell your DH that any furniture or horrid wall pics that they don't take can either go into storage. It is their problem to deal with not yours.

EL8888 · 01/05/2022 20:31

They're being very unreasonable. Is the house supposed to be a shrine to them forever? They need to take ALL their stuff with them or dispose of it. This needs nipping in the bud ASAP. Out of curiosity are they planning on making any changes to the house they are moving into?!

My then SIL and her husband bought her parents house of them. They then proceeded to make changes to the layout and the decor etc. Cue much wailing and gnashing of teeth. The needs of a house vary so much from person to person. You can’t dictate if you don’t live their and don’t own it anymore

BobblyBlueJumper · 01/05/2022 20:36

No.

When they move out, they take all their stuff. What they do with it is not your concern. You need to refuse to live in a house with PIL stuff in it - it won't feel like yours and you will be resentful.

Original poster
talesofginza · 01/05/2022 20:37

Thanks all for the feedback, it's convinced me to be firm RE furniture and pictures. I'm glad it's not just me being spoiled. We haven't even discussed this with PIL yet, it's only something DH and I started talking about recently. Hopefully by the time we do we will be on the same page, as I don't really want to be the one telling them they need to get rid of all their things that won't fit in the smaller house. I think DH was just a bit hurt when he realised I didn't love everything about the house we will be moving to, which he has always considered as being the future family home. He definitely doesn't consider it to be 'his' house at this point.

In response to previous posters:


  • Selling is not feasible at the moment;

  • The small house we're in now was already furnished when we moved in, so we would leave furniture etc. here;

  • The very bright colour of the kitchen where PIL are is the colour of all the matching (and shiny) units - cupboards etc. so unfortunately something a paint job can't change :( I think I can manage to live with it for a few years if at least all the dark wood display cabinets and table (and the bloody books!) leave the living room.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 01/05/2022 20:43

billy1966 · 01/05/2022 19:38

Your husband sounds so disrespectful of you.

YANBU.

He actually sounds like a bully.

Why you would be having a family with someone so utterly unconcerned about you wanting something as basic as feeling comfortable in your own home is very odd.

I think you need to have a long hard look at him, because from what you have written, he is no prize.

His parents are very clearly his priority.

Him wanting you to share wardrobe space with his mother, in your own home is frankly unbelievable.

This is a bit harsh but on point I think.
His attitude is bizarre at best.

Hankunamatata · 01/05/2022 20:45

Think of it as any new house you move into. Most people change décor as bit at a time. I would get a storage unit for inlaws.

AnotherEmma · 01/05/2022 20:49

talesofginza · 01/05/2022 20:37

Thanks all for the feedback, it's convinced me to be firm RE furniture and pictures. I'm glad it's not just me being spoiled. We haven't even discussed this with PIL yet, it's only something DH and I started talking about recently. Hopefully by the time we do we will be on the same page, as I don't really want to be the one telling them they need to get rid of all their things that won't fit in the smaller house. I think DH was just a bit hurt when he realised I didn't love everything about the house we will be moving to, which he has always considered as being the future family home. He definitely doesn't consider it to be 'his' house at this point.

In response to previous posters:


  • Selling is not feasible at the moment;

  • The small house we're in now was already furnished when we moved in, so we would leave furniture etc. here;

  • The very bright colour of the kitchen where PIL are is the colour of all the matching (and shiny) units - cupboards etc. so unfortunately something a paint job can't change :( I think I can manage to live with it for a few years if at least all the dark wood display cabinets and table (and the bloody books!) leave the living room.

It's relatively easy and inexpensive to change kitchen cupboard doors.
i agree with PPs who say you should insist that they remove all their belongings (they can sell, donate or put in storage anything that won't fit in their new home).
it makes sense to keep things like curtain poles and maybe even curtains (but you can gradually replace the curtains as you redecorate, starting with the room you hate the most).
but no need to keep anything else.
the whole point of a family home is that it's for the family who LIVES there. If you are planning/hoping to have children you will spending a lot of time there and it will quickly fill up with their stuff. So everything must earn its place, it needs to be things that are practical and/or things that you like, preferably both.
do as much as you afford before kids because you won't have anything like as much time or energy afterwards.
also the longer you leave it the more you will resent and dislike it.

YouHaveYourFathersBreasts · 01/05/2022 20:49

Honestly, is swapping houses really feasible? It sounds like your current house is too small for both your household and your in-laws- unless they’re prepared to ruthlessly go through all their stuff and get rid of a good chunk of it. Understandable if they don’t want to do that, but it’s not on to leave it in someone else’s house. That said, what’s the point in having a closet full of clothes in someone else’s house? They’d presumably never wear that stuff again so might as well ditch it? And how would it ever feel like home to either of you if it’s full of other people’s stuff? Unless the house is huge, is there even going to be enough space for your things if it’s already full of his parent’s stuff they didn’t take with them?

Grandville · 01/05/2022 20:51

You can absolutely change the colour of the kitchen without ripping it out. Look into a company that can sand down and respray units like this: www.respraykitchen.co.uk/

It will cost but be far cheaper than a new kitchen.

LittleBearPad · 01/05/2022 20:53

Change the kitchen doors or get them covered. Definitely repaint and they have to take their stuff.

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/05/2022 20:59

Hi OP, you have - as almost always - an issue with your husband, not the house.

No reasonable person in a partnership, moving house with their young family, expects what your DH is demanding - that you will make your life for the foreseeable future living in a home filled with the possessions and the design choices of an elderly couple.

The only reasonable solution is for your PIL to remove everything they own from the house - all clothes, all art, all furniture - and downsize according to their new needs. What is surplus to their need they need to sell, donate to charity or store at their cost. Nothing else makes sense - what possible use can your MIL have for clothes in a house she doesn't live in? It sounds like a weird combination of hoarding and bad boundaries that you want no part of.

When you move in, you and DH should have a budget for new carpets if necessary, all new furniture and most likely all new curtains. This doesn't have to be expensive, BTW - Ikea, eBay and FB marketplace etc are your friends if you need to watch the pennies. But you need it to feel like your home, like it reflects your taste. Living day in and day out with anything less would be really hard on you.

And in terms of the kitchen, you need to find a local firm that does kitchen cabinet re-sprays - these are quick, cheap and last really well, just type those words and your location into Google and get quotes and references first! But it usually takes 1-2 days and costs £500 or less for a medium kitchen.

Honestly, don't let your DH get away with any of this nonsense. He is being really unreasonable and also very unkind.

AnotherEmma · 01/05/2022 21:11

WoolyMammoth55 · 01/05/2022 20:59

Hi OP, you have - as almost always - an issue with your husband, not the house.

No reasonable person in a partnership, moving house with their young family, expects what your DH is demanding - that you will make your life for the foreseeable future living in a home filled with the possessions and the design choices of an elderly couple.

The only reasonable solution is for your PIL to remove everything they own from the house - all clothes, all art, all furniture - and downsize according to their new needs. What is surplus to their need they need to sell, donate to charity or store at their cost. Nothing else makes sense - what possible use can your MIL have for clothes in a house she doesn't live in? It sounds like a weird combination of hoarding and bad boundaries that you want no part of.

When you move in, you and DH should have a budget for new carpets if necessary, all new furniture and most likely all new curtains. This doesn't have to be expensive, BTW - Ikea, eBay and FB marketplace etc are your friends if you need to watch the pennies. But you need it to feel like your home, like it reflects your taste. Living day in and day out with anything less would be really hard on you.

And in terms of the kitchen, you need to find a local firm that does kitchen cabinet re-sprays - these are quick, cheap and last really well, just type those words and your location into Google and get quotes and references first! But it usually takes 1-2 days and costs £500 or less for a medium kitchen.

Honestly, don't let your DH get away with any of this nonsense. He is being really unreasonable and also very unkind.

This. You put it much better than I had the mental energy for.