AIBU to dread moving into house furnished and styled by inlaws?

[talesofginza]

Retired PIL are living in a house my DH purchased 7 years ago while we were dating but not yet married or living together. We are living in a smaller but more central place that PIL own in the same city. It has always been understood that once we start to have kids we will swap with them as we will need the space. This is all fine.

Where I might be unreasonable is that I am dreading making the swap a bit because it feels like we will be living in my inlaws’ house and among their possessions rather than our own first family home. When DH bought the house it was understood that his DP would go to live there first. They put some money into the refurbishment -- so all interior and new furniture decisions were made by DH with his DP. He asked what I thought about one big ticket item at the time, I said I didn’t particularly like it, he bought it anyway, and that was that. Which wasn’t a problem, he bought the house and we weren’t yet married so he could do as he wanted and decorate his house as he pleased. PIL also moved in a lot of their prior furniture and decorations as well.

Now we are facing the prospect of moving there as a young family, and the house is very much decorated and furnished to his parents’ taste. In some ways it's a replica of the house they lived in before for many years, which I guess DH didn't mind. While it’s a nice home, it is not my style and I would have chosen quite a few things differently. They won’t be able to take much of their furniture (or vast book collection) when we swap because it won’t fit, so I’m getting anxious about the prospect of moving in and being stuck with their stuff and their taste for decades. DH was even talking about letting them leave some of their clothes in the closets after they move as they probably have too many to fit in the smaller house, which caused an argument (I really draw the line at having to share my home closet with my MIL, as much as I love her..!). He has since backtracked on that. I have also mentioned to DH maybe wanting to change a few things in the house to make it more ‘ours’ (which I would be happy to pay for) – for example the very brightly coloured kitchen – which he got very upset about and it ended in a big argument. He had assumed I loved the house (I don't know why, he didn't actually speak to me about any of the choices they were making when he bought it bar one, which he didn't even listen to). From his view, which I acknowledge is reasonable, the refurbishment and lots of the fixtures and fittings are barely 6 years old, so it doesn’t make sense to change any of that, while for his parents’ older furniture and bulky possessions (pictures on walls etc), what’s so wrong with keeping it rather than forking out for new things.

I don’t know. I am probably BU but I guess I am just looking for some tough love or suggestions to make me feel better! I realise there are much bigger problems to have, I just feel a bit disappointed to see all our friends making their first family homes their own together as a couple, while we are looking at moving into what is effectively my inlaws' place and not being able to change much about it. AIBU to feel this way?

I don't see how you need tough love. Everyone needs to put their own stamp on their home. Tell him redecorating will be happening. Their stuff will be going into storage or you're not moving into that house and it can be sold and another one bought. I'd stand my ground on the whole thing me.

Did your PIL furnish the house you are currently living in, seeing as you say it's their's and was furnished when you moved in? This is a really odd set up, to me. If you haven't discussed it with PIL yet, might they solve the problem for you, or do they all have this mentality? It reads like your husband needs to refocus on his own family unit as his central focus, rather than a less important add on. He is husband and father first. You can't be expected to just slot in and not have your own ideas, preferences, and furniture. Do you have to slot in with family routines, traditions and events, with none of your own, too?

I don't see how you need tough love. Everyone needs to put their own stamp on their home. Tell him redecorating will be happening. Their stuff will be going into storage or you're not moving into that house and it can be sold and another one bought. I'd stand my ground on the whole thing me. Absolutely this. I don't think anyone on here is saying the OP should tell her in laws their taste in furnishings is shit and throw a tantrum! There's a middle ground where you can politely say you're planning on getting x piece of furniture as it works better for you. If necessary, DH can volunteer to help them clear out/move things on. They do need to have a date to work towards and clearly know what needs to go, otherwise they'll never get round to getting rid of it or assume you've now decided to keep their stuff. It's fine and a perfectly healthy mindset to not want things you don't like in your home.

The whole point of you moving there is so that you'll have more room. Which you won't have if the place is full to the brim with all their coats, books, paintings and God knows what else. Keeping some of it in the loft would be fair enough, but not in the living areas.

They are going to have to properly downsize.

Thanks for the suggestions, and for those struggling to sympathise I did say I realise there are bigger problems in this world! Maybe it seems I am making a big deal of it but I know downsizing can be quite emotional as a previous poster has said so I am anxious to make sure the matter is dealt with diplomatically with minimum hurt feelings or future resentment. Spoilt princess is what I want to avoid, but I think the balance of opinion so far is that I am not being spoilt in wanting to move into at least an empty house or to make some gradual changes to their design choices.

Hopefully we will get to speak about it all soon with PIL and who knows, maybe they will already see the thing from my perspective (at least as far as their stuff s concerned). If they don't, at least I will feel happier now about standing my ground if it ends up being me vs DH and PIL.

DH used to talk about wanting to buy PIL house from them. I always resisted this because I knew he was picturing us just kind of moving in among their things with them endlessly popping in.

Yanbu at all and I think this is a giant red flag.

Well, I mean, it’s his house you’re moving into and it’s their house you’re living in now. Have you made any significant financial contribution to either house? I think if you haven’t contributed then you need to compromise rather than putting your foot down.

No, YANBU!

There’s no way I’d live with someone else’s decor and stuff. Your DH needs a wake up call here. He is BU, completely unreasonable. He needs to deal with expectations here and stand up to his parents.

The fact that you’re asking if YABU makes me wonder what else he has eroded within you? Anybody in a Remotely non controlling relationship would find this entire assumption ridiculous.

id be getting in a skip and telling them to crack on.

I understand not wanting to live somewhere that isn't to your taste, but getting "anxious" about it sounds very over the top. Is it more about you being assumed to be more like your PiL than you are? Or is there a bit of concern about the way your now DH ignored your input all those years ago - even though you weren't married etc. which sort of made it reasonable, but then but the plan has always been that it would become your joint home eventually so was it that reasonable? (i.e. has he actually been a bit controlling about things but in a way that made it difficult to object?). I just think, if you really are feeling anxious, you should maybe explore that a little. Another possibility, of course, is just that moving is an incredibly stressful time and you're planning on having kids, so it may just be a bit of displaced anxiety over all this change.

I'm glad he's come to his senses about the closets and I agree you need to be firm about the swap being a complete swap with all of you moving all of your stuff, including furniture, out of your old homes as though you were selling and buying somewhere new. I think the point is to make it clear to him that from your perspective this was always going to be like moving into a home you'd just bought. Maybe reemphasize that you had no say in the way it currently looks, just like you wouldn't have in a house you'd just bought and even though he did have a say you still expect to be able to make it a home together just like you would if you moved into somewhere you'd just bought.

As with any home move, there are a couple of things that need to temper your ambitions:

1. Given you're about to start a family, do you have enough spare money that it's sensible to replace/redo the decor?
2. How much does your DH actually like it? Is what you have here isn't simply PiL's taste not being like yours but that your DH's taste is not as close to your own as you thought?

Some things are reasonably easy and inexpensive to change - painting rooms can be dramatic and not too expensive (and 6 years is not too short a time to be considering repainting even if you liked it). Pictures can be pretty easily changed. Others are less easy. Curtains and carpets/flooring are expensive and, of course, kitchens and bathrooms, so they may need to wait longer. But as others have said, you can respray some things. Change handles (can make a surprising difference). Replace curtains/flooring in just a few rooms, depending on your budget, or get rugs/try dying curtains.

YaNnnnnbu.
Talk to him before moving in there
Have groundrules
This is suppozed to be YOUR home (plural). Not just his home.
Thisneeds to feel like a home to both of you
You wont be storing any of the clothes
They can be sold. Or donated.
Same with the furniture. Decide together what you want to keep. The rest PIL either need to take or put into storage or sell.
You have to stand up for yourself. You dont wanna be living in a house that doesn't feel like a home.
And dont just ASK for things
DEMAND certain things as well. And him certain things are negotiable but some things just have to change
This is your time to argue for what you want and what you need
If you move in with his mindset now, youll be making your own bed.

Talk to him asap! Take no prisoners

You need to be very clear from the onset that when your family moves in it is a fresh start. If they can’t take their things with them then they need to be stored, if there is an attic at yours great, they can be boxed and kept there (although realistically if they are downsizing they are unlikely to need them again so if your DH objects tell him storage IS the compromise). Changing a kitchen is huge, painting a few rooms is not. Make it clear you expect your PILs to also make changes when they move into their new home.

^ This
I don’t get it!
I wouldn’t be surprised if they’ll want regular access to their books too.
You are going to have a fight on your hands.

we moved into my husbands grandmas when we got married. Whcih should have been fine but I was ‘I’ll move this mirror’ and Dh was ‘wait I’ll check with my mum.’ A couple of those comments and I said we will just have to rent somewhere instead so its my house too and someone else can maintain the shrine, I want to live in a place I can be comfortable and move a bloody bookshelf without needing my mils approval. After that he agreed (although I don’t think he understood the problem was him not the house). Advice is to do all/as much as possible of the moving /changing you want immediately - pull the Band-Aid off. Don’t string it out moving one thing a week with dh angsting about each one of them… if he can’t agree you should refuse to live there. It has to be your house.

Is it a 10 bed mansion?
Do you have DCs because if you don't you will need space for cot, buggy, baby walkers, etcetc

It’s YOUR house as . Your DH OWNS it.
So you’re not living there out of charity. Why bother? It was very kind of your DH to let his parents live in the house he bought in fact (even as a single person I’d be able to do loads of stuff with the space).

Dont ask, just remove stuff… 😈

And no you shouldn’t be paying for storage.

you can also sell off the furniture you don’t want

We are retired and have a book collection, or at least DH does. The idea was to peruse them at our leisure once retired and have the time. Of course we are both on laptops and the books get ignored.

They need to move all their stuff out and if they have too much then they need to get rid, just like we all do.

Having your home decorated to your taste is very important. I get so much pleasure just being in my house because it is beautifully decorated to my taste. My boyfriend's house, whilst lovely, is so drably decorated with uncomfortable sofas that I never really relax and enjoy being at his house. Always love coming home to my haven.

Stick to your guns op, don't budge.

Its not his family home. From my undrtstanding its not the house where he grew so-that wouldn't br considered his family home. Its his PARENT'S home. Your home is the flat you now live in (its irrelevant who owns the property btw -people live in rented homes owned by others and dont have to have their taste in furniture unless they choose to. They are usually decorated neutrally too. They are their homes). The definition of a hime is the place you live. He hasnt luved in the house. His home was and is with you so tue argument of it geing his famioy home also fails.
You need yo move your current furniture in with you. It represents your life together. Presumably IL like the furnure they live with and are attached too. They need to rake it or arrange sonethin yo get rid of it (you couold temporaripy compromise on just one or 2 less offensive items for now, spare room furniture but redecorate, fresh linen and even new boubds, blunds direct are so cheap. Drip feed. Show him how lovely it looks. Shiw everyone you know who who rave (in front of him) about tue lvely improvements. My husband was just stuck in his ways. I repainted while he was away. He couldn't work out what had happened, he just though it looked nicer than normal when he came back, he thought it must ge the flowers on the table 🤣🤣🤣unbelievaboe as it sounds its true!
Your partner does sound controlling, does he have other traits liie this?
I gather you aren't married. Children should equal marriage so your interests are a bit more protected. If he doesnt agree I'd be worried.

Te the kitchen. Replace the doors and keep tue carcasses thsts also a far more economical solution. Im just so desperate to know what colour is this dazzlingly bright kitchen- im imagining orange, yellow or bright green? Is it that extreme?? Please tell me! I just cannot imagine!

Yanbu at all! But you are being unreasonable calling a wardrobe a 'closet' if you're in the UK.

i would neither leave my things in someone else’s home nor allow someone else to leave their belongings in mine.

When I married, my husband and I already had our own fully decorated homes. His full of perfectly matching antiques from a specific period, mine a hodge-podge of eclectic things from a variety of sources and vintages. His was gorgeous; mine all meaningful and fun. Merging it all together in a way that makes us both happy was no easy feat. At times it felt like I was losing a part of myself, my personality, just trying to keep the peace! I cannot imagine trying to include the feelings of a third party in that process.

A few years down the road and choosing things together is fun. Our tastes have both evolved and we delight in finding things that suit us both. He’s come to appreciate the whimsy I bring and I enjoy his structured approach.

This is important to your happiness and your marriage.

No advice for you, but I have a friend who moved into the house her husband had grown up in when they got married, as her in laws were downsizing. They have changed very little even 10 years later and I do find it strange that she never wanted to put her stamp on it and make it feel like her own family home. It's the same kitchen that was in it when her husband was young, and he's now in his 40s, and dark patterned carpets throughout, straight from the 90s!

The kitchen is bright red, and unfortunately DH likes the colour so I will have to approach it more carefully than I did the first time... I don't hate it being red per se, it's just that it's so recognisably 'PIL's red kitchen' which they brought over from their past house. @confusedlots the thought of living in DH's actual childhood home and never changing anything gives me chills :D

As for furniture, we haven't got much of our own so there's less of a good reason to ask them to get theirs out. PIL furnished where we are living now as a rental (someone was renting it for a few years before we moved in), so we would leave the furniture (some of which needs replacing by now to be honest). The style of where we are living now is much 'younger' and more light hearted, which I prefer. I think other posters are right that DH doesn't have strong feelings as to one style or the other, so he was probably happy to go along with what his DP liked. The result is a very modern and (I think) slightly imposing style. I prefer something more eclectic and welcoming.