AIBU to dread moving into house furnished and styled by inlaws?

[talesofginza]

Retired PIL are living in a house my DH purchased 7 years ago while we were dating but not yet married or living together. We are living in a smaller but more central place that PIL own in the same city. It has always been understood that once we start to have kids we will swap with them as we will need the space. This is all fine.

Where I might be unreasonable is that I am dreading making the swap a bit because it feels like we will be living in my inlaws’ house and among their possessions rather than our own first family home. When DH bought the house it was understood that his DP would go to live there first. They put some money into the refurbishment -- so all interior and new furniture decisions were made by DH with his DP. He asked what I thought about one big ticket item at the time, I said I didn’t particularly like it, he bought it anyway, and that was that. Which wasn’t a problem, he bought the house and we weren’t yet married so he could do as he wanted and decorate his house as he pleased. PIL also moved in a lot of their prior furniture and decorations as well.

Now we are facing the prospect of moving there as a young family, and the house is very much decorated and furnished to his parents’ taste. In some ways it's a replica of the house they lived in before for many years, which I guess DH didn't mind. While it’s a nice home, it is not my style and I would have chosen quite a few things differently. They won’t be able to take much of their furniture (or vast book collection) when we swap because it won’t fit, so I’m getting anxious about the prospect of moving in and being stuck with their stuff and their taste for decades. DH was even talking about letting them leave some of their clothes in the closets after they move as they probably have too many to fit in the smaller house, which caused an argument (I really draw the line at having to share my home closet with my MIL, as much as I love her..!). He has since backtracked on that. I have also mentioned to DH maybe wanting to change a few things in the house to make it more ‘ours’ (which I would be happy to pay for) – for example the very brightly coloured kitchen – which he got very upset about and it ended in a big argument. He had assumed I loved the house (I don't know why, he didn't actually speak to me about any of the choices they were making when he bought it bar one, which he didn't even listen to). From his view, which I acknowledge is reasonable, the refurbishment and lots of the fixtures and fittings are barely 6 years old, so it doesn’t make sense to change any of that, while for his parents’ older furniture and bulky possessions (pictures on walls etc), what’s so wrong with keeping it rather than forking out for new things.

I don’t know. I am probably BU but I guess I am just looking for some tough love or suggestions to make me feel better! I realise there are much bigger problems to have, I just feel a bit disappointed to see all our friends making their first family homes their own together as a couple, while we are looking at moving into what is effectively my inlaws' place and not being able to change much about it. AIBU to feel this way?

I did not know that cabinet resprays were a thing - I will definitely look into that! And storage might be a good option to manage the process more gradually. I agree with another poster that maybe it is not the best for PIL to move to the small place yet (if ever). Perhaps it will be better if they let the place out and go rent somewhere bigger. We really have to speak with them I guess, the most important thing at this stage is that we all understand that mine and DH's future home can't double up as PIL storage/mausoleum :)

I'm sorry if DH comes across badly in my OP, I think we were both surprised by each other's perspective the first couple of times we started to speak about 'the swap' so we butted heads because we are both very stubborn - but over time we always find a fair compromise and he is a good egg. To be fair, it only took a couple minutes to make him understand that I didn't want to see his mum's winter coats every time I open my closet in the summer. (His concern was his parents hurting themselves trying to get seasonal clothes up and down from a high cupboard in the small house using a ladder - but he has agreed he could just go and help them do it).

I know you said it isn't feasible but honestly I really would want to sell and find somewhere you choose together. It just sounds like no matter what you do you will be doing it to their house and it will be really hard to stop it feeling that way.is there no way around this? Could it be rented out or something?

YANBU why would your husband think that you and your children want to live amongst your in law's clutter? Whatever they don't take with them, they can live without, it's not your problem to deal with. When we bought our house the previous occupant left loads of furniture that they didn't mention in the inventory before we exchanged contracts. It really pissed me off and we spent a fair bit of money and time hiring skips to get rid of it all before the place started to feel like home. I do get wanting to not cause offence to your in-laws and why it puts your DH in a slightly awkward position of him having to tell them to get rid of items, but he needs to bite the bullet and do it.

As for the kitchen etc, you'd potentially be in a similar position if you bought a different house from a stranger, so that's something you can replace down the line. Pictures and furniture that you don't like should go though as they're hardly expensive to replace to your own taste and will go a long way to help make the place feel like your home.

It sounds like your PILs have way too many clothes. They need to get rid of some before moving.

I have never ever understood this idea of seasonal stuff. My clothes are in my wardrobe. If it's cold I might wear a tshirt and a jumper. If it's warm I'll just wear a tshirt. They must have far too much stuff if they have an entire cupboard of coats.

Clutter seriously impacts mental health

The kitchen units can be painted by specialist firms and it's much cheaper than a new kitchen

Oh bloody hell YANBU. It sounds like you're both being kind to others in your thought processes. I do not think I could cope with this at all.

For me it would have to be empty houses and a few boxes stored in the loft if they really didn't have room.

No thanks to furniture, books, pictures or anything else around.

There's nothing unreasonable about moving into a new home and wanting to decorate. No way should you be stuck with their design choices.

It's your home. It needs to feel that way.

The very bright colour of the kitchen where PIL are is the colour of all the matching (and shiny) units - cupboards etc. so unfortunately something a paint job can't change :( I think I can manage to live with it for a few years if at least all the dark wood display cabinets and table (and the bloody books!) leave the living room. If you're happy with the current layout of the kitchen, you could get a quote for keeping the carcasses but replacing the doors etc as I think this works out quite a bit cheaper than a complete refit.

I do think a lot of men tend to go with the flow a lot when it comes to interiors, so it could just be something he's not given too much thought to. I know when I first met my partner, he used to just hear a relative was getting rid of a piece of furniture and just take it on instinct because it might be useful in the future. No regard to whether it fitted in a room or looked decent!

Jeez, you have two houses in the family, one of which is a nice large one for you to move in to? My heart weeps for you.

Just move in and gradually make some changes. You are making this into far more of a drama than it needs to be.

So you're swapping homes with them? Would they be happy if you kept your clothes in their wardrobes, random crap in cupboards, said they couldn't change anything?

Just move in and gradually make some changes. You are making this into far more of a drama than it needs to be. So you'd be happy to share your wardrobe with your MIL and have to tell your kids that they can't have any of their own books on the shelves because their grandparents couldn't be bothered to take their's with them or take them to a charity shop?

Yanbu.

My inlaws had way too much input into our marital home...donations of ghastly, old fashioned furniture which we weren't allowed to get rid of because it would cause offence and that was the tip of a rather large iceberg which I won't go into as would probably be outing.

When we split I took personal belongings and my office chair, and started completely from scratch in my current home...I still look around four years later and get a kick out of it being all done to my taste.

Put your foot down now...and hard, or you'll be resenting it (and them) for years. Could you argue that it's not safe/suitable for kids or the ILs stuff might get damaged in the rough and tumble of a family home?

The clothes issue has been dealt with. And even if not, just move and sort things out afterwards rather than issuing ultimatums.

And as for the books, just slowly pack them up once you've moved in. I think the kids will cope with their Harry Potters being in a bag for a while!

The clothes issue has been dealt with. And even if not, just move and sort things out afterwards rather than issuing ultimatums. And as for the books, just slowly pack them up once you've moved in. I think the kids will cope with their Harry Potters being in a bag for a while! I must have missed the part where the OP was issuing ultimatums?! Anyway, I'm sure two retired people can accept that they need to sort out their shit and downsize without having to pass the burden onto their son DIL and grandkids. Presumably the OP is or will be contributing the mortgage and upkeep on this house, why should they not have full use of it from the day they take over the keys? Maybe the OP should ask to store old toys, clothes at books at the in laws to see how they like it.

Easy. It works both ways. You say you moved into yours furnished, both agree that when you swap you empty each home completely, from furniture to pictures. You either use it or sell the furniture, you then redecorate entirely Joe you want. Spray the kitchen.

They're mostly being unreasonable. Though moving into a house with a readymade enormous book collection sounds great. As long as there was enough room to add my own enormous book collection to it...

Whose telling you that you were spoiled?

Your husband?

For wanting your own home to be to your taste?

YANBU.

He is.

You deserve better.

The decor of this house is the least of your worries.

The enmeshment with his parents is a nightmare.

Could he help them shop for some clever storage solutions for their new home? You could always swap out the beds for say, ones that have underbed storage (so they have extra storage space they can easily access without climbing a ladder). Or maybe look at clever boxes/drawers etc that can go into wardrobes to maximise the use of space.

I’m another one who would love the huge book collection!
However, I’d be making it clear that furniture I don’t like needs to go - in fact I have done this. Years ago PIL bought a very small corner wall cabinet - came in a set of two. They tried to give us the second. DH took it off them, but I said no thanks. FIL was rather put out, MIL understood. I was polite but just said we didn’t need it. FIL tried to tell me if would look great in our bathroom. MIL shut him up.

I agree that some men just don’t want to upset their parents and because they couldn’t care less about what the furniture looks like they’re happy to accept things. It’s not abusive, it’s just thoughtless. It sounds like yours is like that, OP, thinking about the practicalities of storing his parents’ clothes without thinking about how this makes you feel. You need to explain (firmly) that this is your new home and you want to make it your own. I’d prioritise what has to go now and focus on that. Then later on make the other changes eg kitchen units.

YANBU but I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill tbh. You're looking at how your friends decorate their houses, but comparison is the thief of joy.

Downsizing can be an emotional process, you need to maintain some boundaries but also try to be gentle/ kind.

You said this house looks like your IL's old home, so that's probably what a home looks like to them and they haven't given it a second though (especially OH.) You chose not to say when they did the place up, which is fair enough in the circumstances but it's hardly surprising they're surprised now and it would be ludicrous to pay for a second refurb so soon after the last one.

You have a home. Move in. Change bits as you go. But you need to communicate with your partner who probably wasn't anticipating you both budgeting to refurnish a furnished house. Sorting some bits isn't the end of the world. Having some furniture you don't particularly like is a cross many of us have to bear in this life. Yes your friends got to decorate from scratch but they also most likely had to go through the faff of buying a property which is own the most stressful things you can do, so at least you saved yourself that (often year or longer painful process.). Good luck!

I think I would be inclined to buy some of those cheap bags from the pound shop and bag up their items and take them over to their new house gradually

I wouldn't want the stuff in my house if you need the space

Yanbu

Struggling to feel too much sympathy for the OP. She is also benefiting from investments of money, time and effort made by her husband and his parents, including the houses themselves, furniture, fittings etc. The downside of that is as articulated here but surely solved over time with tact and good humour. I certainly wouldn't be going in hot and heavy or you will appear a bit of a spoilt princess, well you would to me amyway

I think the problem here is the unexamined expectations that PIL will just be popping in and out and leaving their stuff as if it is their house forever. You and dh need to be really clear that they are moving out, need to empty it completely and then it is no longer their house.