To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

I don’t understand this, there is plenty of single mothers who work?

Of course they do. But they've got less flexibility due to not having a partner to help out (eg by staying at home).

@Mischance Were you ok with the first bit about mothers who don't give up work not loving their kids then?

@LeeMucklowesCurtains

i think a lot of women who give up feel like you but are not willing to own it. They play it as a sacrifice for the family, but If you’ve a shit job then the ability to give it up and not work is always going to be the preference. We see evidence of it when childcare becomes available and they do anything to justify not going back, even when the family needs the money and the husband is under huge pressure and needs them to.

You purposefully omitted the rest of the post, which was actually highlighting the fact women can't win. Perhaps either read it all or don't pick and choose which bits?

Um no they just have paid childcare.

why don't lots of men choose to give up their careers because they value spending time with their children and looking after their family?

There's lots but a big one is that they often earn much more.

I think what she’s saying is that in both situations you rely on money that you haven’t personally earned and she’s rather be independent. I do t think it’s a judgement any more far reaching than that. It’s fine for everyone to be different, children can grow up in many different situations and be just fine. If you have a choice do whatever makes you happy and fulfilled!

Um no they just have paid childcare.

Give over, paid childcare finishes at 6pm unless it's a private arrangement whereby a SAHP enables the partner to work longer hours, take business trips.
Single mothers do not have this option.

@pinklavenders

You dont see the connection?

Why would men be able to earn more than women?

Why would men value money over time with family?

Do you think if women earned more than men they wouldn't value time with family as much as they valued earning lots more money?

Because they choose not to give up their careers.

This is why there's so much imbalance in the workplace.

Nah, not really, Often there is not much in it and often benefits are claimed or money becomes tight when they do.

Nope. False. They earn more after the woman gives up work/goes PT.

I've seen a couple of SAHM of older children being left in their 50s for the career woman in her late 30s/40s. I think not working for 20 years is leaving you in a vulnerable position. They don't do spousal maintenance forever anymore they expect you to look for a job. I don't think a lot of men like their wives not working long term what do you have to talk about ?

When we were saving for a deposit to try and get out of renting I went back and did two nightshifts a week so we didn’t have to pay for childcare and could just save what I earned.

That was fun, I missed two nights sleep a week as one of the children was a toddler at home and I had to look after her in the day!

It was a tough year and almost killed me with the lack of sleep, but I did it to help out when it was needed. So I’m not adverse to going back the the shit job and when our youngest is in school so I can get a couple of hours sleep in the day, I’ll pick up a couple of bank shifts of night work a week then.

I understand you are a stay at home parent so likely just coming at this from a position of ignorance about options. But plenty of single mothers have this option, nannies and aupairs are a thing.

Many SAHM’ “support” their partners to enable them to earn enough for two, I.e. long working hours, working away, etc. If the SAHM worked too then they’d either have to pay for childcare, cleaners et or the other partner would have to earn less due to working fewer hours.

Agreed. I couldn't bear it if my husband gave up work to mind the kids, I'd find him so goal-less.

@LeeMucklowesCurtains

What are you classing as a shit job?

Completely different from being on benefits.

Your MIL has a contract with your FIL. She keeps the house running and has presumably brought up their DCs. Her contribution allows FIL to earn the money that supports the family. This is not the same as living on benefits.

I'm not sure you understand how money works. Yes, you pay for childcare, etc. when both partners work. But you earn a lot more. So, more money in the family. Not sure what you don't get about that.

Haven't they just!

Honestly, who wakes up early on a Sunday morning and thinks, 'I know, I'll name change and rekindle the age old bun fight on Mumsnet about SAHMs v WOHM mums'? 🙄🙄

I'm waiting for tomorrow's bank holiday special - 'Breastfeeding V formula' and 'wheelchair V pram access on the bus'...

I have been a stay at home parent for 10 years. What do you mean what do we talk about, plenty? I am not a mind numb idiot with no brain because I have chosen to stay with my children. It has enabled my husband to progress in career, but even so no one has to explain to anyone on here there reasons.

What do those have to talk about that have been at work all day?

So many nasty bitter woman on here about stay at home parents. I am looking for a job now that will make me a better person I guess and at least I will have something to talk about now.

I worked in a care home.

It really is a shit job. Long hours, hard work, daily abuse, low pay, treated like shit by managers, looked down on by everyone.

How does her contribution allow her husband to earn money? I don't require my husband to be a SAHP in order to enable my career.

People who aren't SAHM and claim they have no wish to be so, need to ask themselves why they are so triggered by it as a concept

Many women enjoy working and working their way up the career ladder.
It gives you a sense of self worth that you can’t get from cooking and cleaning at home.

There are also many women like myself who believe in equality for women so sacrificing their careers just so their DH has a home cooked meal to come home too is not what they want to do in life and it’s hard to understand why anyone would want to do that.

Many housewife’s are treated as basically just maids but they get less money.

How many threads are started by women who are completely dependent on their partners and mentally and physically can’t leave.

Obviously people can do what they think is best but it’s not my idea of happiness.
I know as many, if not more, men that are SAHP than women.

For me personally I think if you can afford to have only one FT income then the best solution would be to both work PT.
Then you’re both building your career, both share childcare and both share household duties like cooking and cleaning.