To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

Your sister obviously isn't the brightest if she can't comprehend the difference between the two.🙄

I think they are quite different as the household is thought of as a unit who works and who looks after the other aspects is a decision made as a unit - and where no benefits are claimed it is a decision made for a whole variety of reasons. Housholds function in different ways and the decisions made are done so due to the specific context. As far as benefits are concerned these are claimed due to need and really not choice.

@LeeMucklowesCurtains Thats awful you view care work so negatively. Such a shame

@HandScreen if you had read my first post you will see that the main reason why I don't work is that as an adoptive parent I agreed to be a SAHM when I was matched with my first child and then again with my second.

The reason I have continued not to work now they are older ( secondary school) is because of my DCs on going issues ( long term health condition that needs daily care and frequent hospital visits and stays ) and mental health/emotional issues as a result of adoption issues but also of course because our financial situation means I don't have to.

My husband is 8 years from retirement and then we will both be free to enjoy our daily lives together in great comfort. I think that looks like we did ok with our lives to be honest.

The excuse after excuse you accuse me of making are merely my own observations from my own 20 year career in the city and my lived experience as the wife of a man who is still working in that industry with unpredictable working hours.

I don't need to make excuses I'm just taking part in a debate and highlighting that it isn't always easy for any parent who needs to work in response to posters who say it is.

If you did your nursing you could have progressed to 40k being a nurse , then 47k being unit deputy manager , 60k being the registered manager. It's not a dead end job if you get the qualifications and experience.

There are also many women like myself who believe in equality for women so sacrificing their careers just so their DH has a home cooked meal to come home too is not what they want to do in life and it’s hard to understand why anyone would want to do that.

100% this

I'm waiting for tomorrow's bank holiday special - 'Breastfeeding V formula' and 'wheelchair V pram access on the bus'...

The trouble is mums guilt, is mums guilt.

As women we will always feel guilty if we work or don’t work.
Same as we will if we formula feed/breast feed, co-sleep/sleep training etc.

I do feel sorry for women who spend the majority of their lives not working, especially if they can’t leave an unhappy relationship because of it.
But if that’s truly their choice then that’s completely up to them and I encourage freedom of choice.

I know couples where neither of them work and both claim benefits.

As women we are judged all of the time by men.
We really need to be aware of how much we judge other women just for doing something we wouldn’t do.

Oh give over.

It’s a horrible job for the most part. Carers are treated as the lowest of the low. The way I’ve been spoken to to by managers and families of people I’ve cared for over the years has been heartbreaking.

Doesn’t mean I didn’t do a good job and care for the people I worked with very well.

But it’s seem as a job for stupid people and you are treated as such.

My dad is in a care home now, I have these conversations with the staff there.

Search up some threads on here if you want to see peoples opinions on care workers.

@Onwards22

I don't feel guilty for working. Never have.

I dont understand anyone who does.

This, all day long! And the same goes for childcare: it's 'work' if you're paying a nanny, childminder or nursery, but suddenly not 'work' if it's your own children?

Most of the SAHMs I know have definitely facilitated the husband's career. It should hardly need pointing out that the highest earners in this country are not generally people who work a set role 9-5 and rush home for bathtime at 6.30 or whatever. They are bankers or entrepreneurs who do what it takes when it takes. Some SAHMs have literally travelled the globe with their husband's work - as I say, you do what it takes when it takes. It's not easy settling children into a school in Tokyo or NYC, only to uproot again whenever the case may be. If this isn't facilitating, I'm not sure what is? It takes a certain type of woman to do this, I think. The husband's are generally more in need of flexibility from their wives, than needing their wives to be earning money. They don't care about this. But it's a family decision because where financial opportunities arise - you go there, basically. Even if there is divorce in such cases, the wives are generally going to walk away with a hell of a lot more (financially) than they would have earned if they'd stayed in their jobs. They know this - which is why they are prepared to do it, frankly. And frequently, the husbands retire quite early as well, so the lifestyle shifts again as the children get older.

My husband would be the first to say I had facilitated his career because yes, obviously, he did it himself, but he couldn't have done it across four continents and had a family as well if I hadn't settled them at every destination and made a go of it. Nor could he have gone away for days / weeks at a time at short notice; or worked evenings; weekends; whenever. But we are a family unit - the money is regarded as a joint venture and we organised ourselves in this way because we could and it made sense. It is what it is. No regrets and would absolutely fi the same again. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks because they are not married to my husband and have no idea about anyone else. No idea at all. People should just focus on their own lives and stop pontificating about other family set-ups they have literally not the first clue about.

@LeeMucklowesCurtains

Nope, won't give over. I've worked in care/nursing for over 20 years.

That is not my experience in any way and do think its awful its been yours.

I did do care work for many years but then I went to university to rise up the ranks it's what people do when they don't want to be the carer anymore. You can't just sit there doing the job and hope to get promoted you have to do the qualifications.

@Dillidilly

Do working parents have 2 jobs then?

I went back to college to become a carer. level 2 btec. Before that I was just a receptionist temp.

There was no progress into nursing. I tried for 5 years pass maths GCSE and then functional
skills to get onto the level 3 btec, couldn’t do it even with all the tutoring.

I feel guilty for working on the days where DD is tired and doesn't want to get up for nursery, or when she's poorly and DP's in a meeting so it takes me 1 hour to get to her to pick her up because of where I work in relation to where nursery is.

I feel guilty in the school holidays when lots of her friends aren't at nursery and when I see people posting days out with their children or see an event advertised that she'd have loved but that only runs on a weekday.

I won't give up work though - because I'd feel more guilty when she's old enough to remember and can't do all the activities/school/trips/going out with friends that her friends can afford.

Where did I say I was sitting there hoping to get promoted? I’m not.

Iwantmyoldnameback

Many housewives/SAHM do contribute to the overall family income by enabling others to work to their full potential. It's a partnership, your sister is wrong”

absolutely this. If my family had had to pay others for the services I provided, they couldn’t have afforded to.

OP don't know if this has been mentioned but your national insurance is paid for 18 years in becoming a parent. Perhaps this is because the state recognises it is a job to care for minors and might make paid work difficult or impossible depending on your situation.

Oh and what bs, your kids will NEVER wish you or another parent/grandparent etc hadn't been there for them(doesn't have to be the mum)!!!

I won't be SAHM forever but shoot me down, I will be proud of myself for not using full-time nursery, getting through these early years and giving my DS and baby on the way my self. Old fashioned but kids want their parents, not kick ass careerists.

So, all that housework, childcare and other domestic labour counts for nothing? The only reason that being a SAHM can be thought of as equivalent to being unemployed is because women are prepared to do this for 'free'. If that mother were to suddenly die or run away, their partner would suddenly have to shell out a lot of money for childcare and housework in order to carry on working.

In a marriage where one person has paid employment and the other performs unpaid domestic duties, they both earn that income. Courts recognise this at divorce, that the woman has as much rights to the accrued assets as the man who went out to work because without her, his job simply wouldn't be feasible.

Well, there are similarities - neither are in paid employment and both are financially dependent on others for their basic needs. And there are differences - one is a private arrangement within a family and the other relies on the state.

Neither is inherently "better" than the other because everyone's circumstances are different. Personally, I would not choose to be in either situation.

@Musomama1

Can I be doubly proud of myself for not using full-time nursery, getting through these early years and being a kick ass careerist?* *

I don't think a lot of men like their wives not working long term what do you have to talk about ?

Are you serious ?!

Do women who choose to leave their career to look after their family suddenly become brain dead? And think of all the time they have to explore and learn new things..?!

I hope you feel the same way about single parents on benefits. They are SAHP too.

Yes, you just use sitters.co.uk. You can always find a sitter. I find it odd that there is excuse after excuse as to why you couldn't possibly work. Of course you could, it's shockingly easy.

It's really not shockingly easy for some. I think you may be more privileged that you realise. There are many, many people (mostly women) trapped in caring roles. If you have a disabled child, for example, your options can be far more limited. You read in the papers about children who struggle to access education because of their disability...no school places available etc. Who do you think is minding these children all day?