To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

@Muffinsorcrumpets

Anne is not minding her DC for that 40 extra hours a week.

yup.

And your oh isn't minding his for 40 hours a week yet you insist he is an equal parent and there is no difference to their relationship.

So I'm asking why sahms take such umbrage to anyone saying that there's no difference between sahm and wm. That they're doing the same.

The outcome (according to you) is the same.

No one can explain what difference it makes.

Also, not every working mum misses those 40 hours. Not every sahm does them.

Yet sahm screech its NOT possible for a wm to do what a sahm does if its ever mentioned

I mean if someone worked in a job for 20 hours and someone else for 40 I wouldnt say the one who worked 20 wasn't doing the same job.

Less hours, same role.

It truly doesn't. I hope that didn't cast too long of a shadow over that time.

Well of course if one parent works and one doesn't, they are obviously still 'equal parents.' In any family, the kids need looking after and money needs to be earned. How couples divide those tasks will be up to them. There's no right or wrong way.

But obviously, a working parent is not doing an equal amount of direct parenting as the SAHP if they're out of the house most of the day and only see or focus on the kids evenings and weekends. Again, this is obvious. They are at work - with a different focus. Unless they think children go into some kind of suspended animation while they are at work and only switch on again when they walk through the door?

Sorry what I meant was, anyone with kids is a parent. Even if you never see your kids for weeks because they're at boarding school or whatever, you are no less their parent.

But obviously, there is a difference between 'being a parent' and 'doing the direct parenting.' I don't know why people tie themselves in knots about all this on here.

there are often other relatives who can help to share the load.

And essentially that's what WOHPs do, even if they do the same tasks/type of tasks a SAHP does they do not necessarily do all the same things or at least as much as they do not have as much capacity to do it all time wise. And sharing the same tasks with other people does mean sharing the burden of them.

Yes, there will be some SAHPs that do less than WOHPs and I probably include myself in this currently. My D.C. is a young adult, looking forward to university, pretty independent now and has been pretty successful. I actually wouldn't even describe myself as a SAHM now. I'm realistically more a housewife. I have other priorities, health and fitness being one of them (which I probably prioritise more than I did before having had cancer). However, it feels very lonely receiving absolutely no appreciation for the role I have taken as a SAHM in the past which is how it feels when people suggest they did all I did and worked - the challenge to me being why didn't I? To explain, I would have to expose my own vulnerability and my DC's - something I am not always willing to do when someone is being so hostile.

@Topgub - in homes where 2 parents work, all the housework/med appts etc also has to be done out of work hours.

It can be draining doing all of that plus childcare plus outside duties (eg informal caring). Some people manage it - some people have flexible jobs/wfh/good bosses. For others it causes a huge amount of stress that affects the quality of life of everyone at home. So it can be easier to split the duties and have 1 sahp so that instead of everything being squished into the outside 9-5, it is spread out more during sahp day.

@mintlimelemon

So if a family decide to split up the tasks into care and finance both parents are equal?

Except really, they're not because the wp isn't doing an equal amount of direct care?

So which is it?

And if wp are doing the finance bit and care outside of work then arent they doing more?

And what about school age kids?

Are sahms of school age kids doing the least amount of work?

Equal but different

Equal but different

Equal but different

How hard is it to understand?

@hihellohihello

Because you clearly place a value on the different.

As does society.

Why else would you feel so devalued in your role by wm saying they do it too?

Thats the problem.

The insistence that both roles are equal and the offence taken when a wm says no, not different just equal

You saying you're doing more than a wm diminishes their role too.

They are both economically inactive but then so am I as I am early retired.

Because you clearly place a value on the different

I do. I value diversity - it enables choice, flexible and creativity. There is certainly a place for SAHPs, WOHPs and all variations of the two. The only time to critically analyse someone's situation is when it is not working out and they are asking for solutions.

You saying you're doing more than a wm diminishes their role too.

I'm only saying I'm doing more of what I do. So I don't feel it does diminish their role. They have a whole role outside the home I just don't have and haven't had for a long time.

So I'm asking why sahms take such umbrage to anyone saying that there's no difference between sahm and wm. That they're doing the same.
@Topgub
If you said that there is no difference in outcomes for children of wm or sahm I wouldn't take umbrage or have any quibble with that.

That's not what you said (upthread).

You said a wm does everything a sahm does, as well as working. You are basically claiming superiority for wm as they're contributing financially as well as doing everything else. You are ignoring the extra hours of work that a sahm puts in at home.

And yes, I agree that people working 20 vs 40 hours a week might have the same role. What I'm saying is that one is working longer hours in the role. You seem to be ignoring that.

@hihellohihello

So I don't feel it does diminish their role

OK. Well I dont think saying a wp can do everything a sahp does is diminishing their role either. Its true

@Muffinsorcrumpets

I said can do. Because they can.

I'm not ignoring the extra hours. I just dont think they're significant or contribute any added value. Neither do you according to your comments.

I think it's clear you believe that wm are superior to sahm then, Topgub. That's the issue. You don't believe sahm are equal but different. You think you're better than sahms don't you?

Not necessarily they may be raising children, supporting a partners career, caring for a relative, volunteering. All those things contribute to the economy.

I'm not ignoring the extra hours. I just dont think they're significant or contribute any added value

And that's where I take issue. It feels like you are saying the extra hours are a waste of time. Does the added experience and primary responsibility undertaken count for nothing?

But obviously, there is a difference between 'being a parent' and 'doing the direct parenting.' I don't know why people tie themselves in knots about all this on here.

This

And you still have the gall to wonder why people are taking umbrage Toogub.

OK. Well I dont think saying a wp can do everything a sahp does is diminishing their role either. Its true

You honestly don't see any benefit of having a parent at home to look after her/his own children?

@Muffinsorcrumpets

No more than you think sahm are better than wm

Why would me thinking those extra hours dont make a difference overall mean I think I'm superior to sahm?

I think being a wm is harder than being a sahm. They're doing 2 roles instead of one.

But that doesn't mean they're a better parent.

Parenting is about so much more than working.

I know some sahm have to tell themselves differently to validate the role but I dont have to agree

@pinklavenders

Just one parent?

No.

And I can only see negatives to having a sahm specifically.

Yes, I do @Muffinsorcrumpets

Because the only reason to take umbrage is if you think those extra hours make sahms superior.

But you're denying that.

@Topgub, I think generalisations are simply inaccurate and they alienate people who have individually specific situations. People don't choose to be SAHP in a vacuum. There are valid reasons for it working in specific situations. Painting us all with far too broad a brush obliterates all the interesting and fascinating detail and renders us featureless and faceless.