To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

@hihellohihello

More specialised?

Less equal?

I thought everyone was saying earlier that dads were equal parents to the sahm?

Now they're not?

It doesn't make any sense to say the sahm is the pcg, more individual more special but not in any way better

If its fine to outsource it, what difference does it make by a sahm doing it?

Just different ways of achieving the same objective. One way isn't inherently better than the other, families will do what suits them best or what they have to do to make things work best for them.
I think you're seeing a smugness in SAHMs that often isn't there Topgub.
I'm a SAHM. My children are beyond the baby stage now but one has additional needs so I'm staying at home and I worry about the financial implications. I can see the benefits of WM and I can't easily give those advantages to mine.

It is possible to be equal but have different roles within the family. They work together but have separate and specialist roles. Just like an oncologist and surgeon have separate and specialist roles in the treatment of a cancer patient. Each has a responsibility within their own field.

@Muffinsorcrumpets

No, I don't think its smugness.

@hihellohihello has said I'm not acknowledging the special and individual pcg role of the sahm

How else can that be taken other than better? We all know that society thinks mothers should always put their children first, that they should want to be with them every minute.

So when sahms say wm absolutely can't do what sahm do they are not acknowledging the role of the wm. Theyre diminishing it to less than theirs

@Topgub - well sahm just do more of the childcare because they are with the child for longer. Whether that is positive or negative or neutral probably varies in different situations, how old the child is and the skills of the parents.

positive - maybe parent can pick up on problems earlier because they are around child longer and notice small changes. Maybe parent is highly educated and can pass on knowledge one-to-one.

negative - some outside carer may have experience of many different kids, so be able to spot when something is wrong earlier. Maybe nursery workers can provide a more varied environment.

The important thing is that the parents are stable, happy, relaxed (either woh or sah).

More specialised doesn't mean less equal btw. You're determined to misunderstand people 😅

@hihellohihello

So who do you think fulfills the pcg role when both parents work?

When I talked about sharing more equally that is more akin to job sharing a role that encompasses both the caregiving and monetary provision role (as opposing to splitting out these two roles and specialising them).

So who do you think fulfills the pcg role when both parents work?

There is no primary caregiver. They are both equal.

@Muffinsorcrumpets

I know.

They specifically said instead of running the house hold more equally.

I didnt misunderstand anything

So when sahms say wm absolutely can't do what sahm do they are not acknowledging the role of the wm. Theyre diminishing it to less than theirs

No just saying the role of the SAHP is different to that of a WOHP, more specialised. Specialised is not necessarily better than generalised.

You could say a WOHP's role is more diversified if you prefer that to generalised.

@hihellohihello

Yeah I don't get it. But that's possibly because I did both.

My kids have never had a pcg. I dont think they need one or see the benefit to it.

I dont understand whats specialised about it. What difference those hours make.

Maybe I'd get it if my oh just did finances

@Topgub
The pp was comparing the role of a sahp to their working partner, ie the roles of two partners within a single household. She wasn't comparing the role of a sahm to a wm.

I am a sahm. I know one of my children likes beans, another peas, another neither etc etc. My DH doesn't remember this stuff. He's very much an equal parent, but the roles we play in the household are different ones.

Yeah @Muffinsorcrumpets I wouldnt consider a parent who didn't know their kid liked beans to be an equal parent and it just shows how differently we treat mums to dads.

What different standards we hold them to

I dont understand whats specialised about it. What difference those hours make.

It's not just the hours it's becoming the family expert in the things your particular role encompasses. Like with the oncologist/ surgeon analogy they don't share the same job but do have ultimately the same aims but equally important but different role as they work together in the treatment of cancer.

If both parents share everything their roles are not specialised.

I think it's just a different division of labour as hihellohihello said.

@hihellohihello

But do you understand then that the wm is still doing that?

That both rather than 1 are the experts?

And let's be brutally honest, most wm are the only family expert?

We all know that they take on that role and work.

So I'm still not getting what it is you think wm arent doing or are doing thats different

Wm are physically minding their young children less. That's the difference.

@Muffinsorcrumpets

Not always

And you said earlier that it didn't make a difference.

Which is it?

Are sahm of school kids less specialised then?

Surgeons to the teachers lawyer?

And let's be brutally honest, most wm are the only family expert?

No I didn't get this. It is something I wouldn't accept if I were working. I didn't accept it when I was undergoing cancer treatment a number of years ago. I had to handover a lot. I was no longer capable. Needless to say it was difficult on both myself and my DH but thankfully his employer was very accommodating.

I'm still not getting what it is you think wm arent doing or are doing thats different

That is sad. Perhaps it because my D.C. did have additional needs too that I see how much the roles can differ.. Advocating for them and ensuring they get the right education in these circumstances is a full time job in itself. Thankfully, I achieved this successfully. Something which I cannot imagine doing whilst holding down paid employment.

Sure, but the reason he doesn't know that isn't because he has a job, it's because he doesn't see it as important for him to know that stuff.

I'm a CEO and that doesn't stop me from knowing that my child likes peas but considers baked beans to be the work of the devil. It is entirely possible to hold down a demanding job and be a present and involved parent.

@hihellohihello

Oh dear.

That very much reads like you think a wp couldn't advocate or manage a child with additional needs

But yeah.

Its just the sahm role thats diminished 🙄

I don't know that it's that important for him to know about the beans tbh, @Mumwantingtogetitright. I'm the one who cooks mostly.
I know nothing much about football. He watches matches on tv with them, chats about it etc, they have great fun. I don't think it makes me a failure as a parent or less of a parent because I don't do this too. We both do different things with them and for them.

Exactly @Mumwantingtogetitright !!