To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

It's funny to me how SAHP with a partner who works are deemed more important to society than those who are single and on benefits. They are both doing the same job, if you deem it one. One just has a partner, the other doesn't.

Nobody is more or less important.

The only difference between the two scenarios is that in one case the State pays you, in the other the State receives tax income from the couple.

So economically speaking the single parent on benefits is using up resources that the couple are generating.

Sure, but on that score, most dual income families will probably be generating more tax revenue (both directly and indirectly) than the couple with the SAHP. What does it matter?

There is definitely an element of smuggery in some of the posts here, as if some SAHPs really resent the comparison with people on benefits as if they are somehow better than that.

The reality is that it will be a sliding scale. Some families with one or two parents working will still be getting tax credits, housing benefit or universal credit. Others will be getting subsidised childcare. Most will get child benefit. All will have entitlement to state education and the NHS. Some will be net contributors but the majority won't, whether they have a SAHP or two WOHPs. And even those who are have probably been lucky in various ways, so there is no place for anyone feeling superior to anyone else. We are all raising our children in the best way we can.

Of course not  Where was that even suggested?

The comment wasn't aimed at you @pinklavenders. Just was a further addition (which I felt was important) to the point you made and in response to some of the views described in the op.

So economically speaking the single parent on benefits is using up resources that the couple are generating.

But those resources are an investment. By improving life chances of the recipients the hope is they will able to contribute in the future. Equally, they often already contribute to society if they are carers as the benefits the government pays carers is considerably less than commercial care would cost them.

Sorry, I haven’t read the whole thread, but these threads always make me wonder two things:

1 - Women often say that they gave up work/went part-time when DCs arrived, because it made sense as they were the lower earner. But why were they the lower earner in the first place? Is it because more women go into lower paid, e.g. caring professions? Or because some women seek higher earners as partners so that they can give up work when DCs come along?

2 - What is often not mentioned are the women who become SAHMs because they want to. I think women are sometimes all painted as saints who give up work to support the family and their partner, whereas some women just like being at home with the children and having the chance to escape the stress of work deadlines and performance reviews etc.

That was definitely me. After DD2 was born, I took three years off work. This was a privilege and my DH bore the sole burden of earning money. I liked being at home with our DCs. When finances became tight, I had to return to work. I am very ashamed to say that at the time I was frankly quite petulant about it, didn’t want to go back, and only did so grudgingly. That was completely unfair on DH - often men don’t really see the option of stopping work (temporarily) themselves (things have changed a bit now - my situation was 20 years ago).

DH and I work in the same sector, and have always earned about the same, and I’ve been full time now for about 16 years and love working.

I just think it’s a myth that a woman always becomes a SAHM for altruistic reasons. I stayed at home because I wanted to. Yes, it helped DH work, but it was for me really, and when I went back to work, our life didn’t fall apart.

Or maybe all other SAHMs are more selfless, and it’s just me who was evil. ☺️ I do feel guilty about how I was though.

(Sorry, long post, and I don’t think I’ve really added anything relevant to this thread!)

I just think it’s a myth that a woman always becomes a SAHM for altruistic reasons. I stayed at home because I wanted to. Yes, it helped DH work, but it was for me really, and when I went back to work, our life didn’t fall apart.

Or maybe all other SAHMs are more selfless, and it’s just me who was evil. ☺️ I do feel guilty about how I was though.

Wanting to doesn't mean it is wrong. Sometimes you want what is right (for everyone including yourself) at the time. It's not necessarily selfish. Then the situation changes and something different is right and you have to adapt. So no, I don't think you are evil.

What else do you think they offer, that a WOHP wouldn't?

Or maybe all other SAHMs are more selfless, and it’s just me who was evil. ☺️ I do feel guilty about how I was though.

And also, I do wonder, if subsequently you have internalised some of the critical rhetoric levelled against SAHMs. It's ok to want a particular family role, try it (if mutually agreeable) out then do something different if the situation requires it.

Then you didn't 'do what a SAHM does' for the hours you were working when your children were young. You parented differently. Both options (wfh and sah) are equally valid, but the role during the working day is different. You know this.
Saying things like 'a wm can do what a sahm does and work' (my emphasis) is just goady. You know this too.

a wm can do what a sahm does and work

Maybe if she had two sets of arms and eyes? Or other magical powers?

@Muffinsorcrumpets

My children were asleep when I was working (often)

Are you saying that sahms sit up all night parenting too? Just to get the edge on wm?

What is that you think sahm are providing that wm aren't?

And why are sahm so threatened by the idea that wm can parent equally to them?

Are you saying that sahms sit up all night parenting too? Just to get the edge on wm?

It has been known! But certainly not to 'get the edge' over anyone. But it can be challenging being the 'go to' caregiver. Responsibility can sit heavily especially when roles are so defined they are difficult to share. It can be lonely which is further compounded when other people don't recognise the challenges or achievements and trivialise them.

When I was a SAHM, my husband relied on me and my unpaid work to go to his paid job and bring us money. Therefore any money coming in was equally both of ours. Literally the whole point of being married is that you're a team and rely on each other for all kinds of this, not just money.

I mean with paid employment you get the money, the job title, career progression, a certain amount of independence- the recognition is evident.

The rewards and achievements are less quantifiable and definable with the role of SAHM but that doesn't mean they don't exist or are lesser.

The "couple" aren't generating resources though. The working parent is. The SAHP isn't paying any tax.

I am divorced but my ex husband also relies on me for childcare to do his job even though we aren't together. He could not do his well paid job without me doing the 90% of parenting that I do. Probably the same with many divorced mums.

The "couple" aren't generating resources though. The working parent is. The SAHP isn't paying any tax.

The SAHP can enable the WOHP to focus more solely on their paid role. Couples with one SAHP often pay proportionately more tax than a couple who both worked with the same family income.

I do think wm and sahm parent equally @Topgub, I said that in my comment above.
I don't know why you think I feel at all threatened by this?

I do think you're completely dismissing the SAHP's role. Caring for young children all day is a very responsible task. And what do I think SAHPs are providing? It's surely obvious - the hours of work that would otherwise be outsourced to nannies or childminders when children are young (and outsourcing is also a perfectly fine choice, to make myself completely clear.)

@hihellohihello

Yeah wp feel that pressure too.

They do the up all night with the sick kid then go to work.

Look,I know you think I'm trying to devalue your role. I'm not.

Parenting is hard. I get that. I dont particularly enjoy it a lot of the time.

But you (I think, sorry if it wasn't) spoke earlier about the competition.

I do think sahm can rarely just acknowledge that wm really aren't much different to them. Its like if they do they'll need to admit they're lacking in something.

Sahms physically parent more than wm. Do they think this makes them better mums? They must do as they are so keen to point it out so often.

As I said above, many divorced women have to do that to. I have had to take on a low paid role that is flexible because my ex husband works shifts and is well paid.

@Muffinsorcrumpets

If its fine to outsource it, what difference does it make by a sahm doing it?

As I keep saying, having a sahm or completely outsourcing arent the only 2 options.

Sahms physically parent more than wm. Do they think this makes them better mums? They must do as they are so keen to point it out so often.

I certainly don't think I'm a better mum as a SAHM rather than a working mother!! What??!!

Sahms physically parent more than wm. Do they think this makes them better mums?

Which means their role becomes more specialised and distinct from the father's. They become the primary caregiver instead of sharing the responsibility for childcare or running the household more equally. It doesn't mean they are better or worse mothers but their role is different to a WOHP as it is more specialised and done on a more individual level.

It's this that I don't think you are acknowledging.

@Muffinsorcrumpets

So why did you comment to tell me it was impossible for a wm to do what a sahm does?

What do you think a sahm is doing that a wm isn't?

Just those physical hours?

Why do they make such a difference?