To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

I worked in care. I could go back at any time. I have done twice in the past ten years once for a year, once for 3 months when we needed extra money for something. Nightshifts so as not to pay childcare. An absolute killer on no sleep looking after toddlers in the day too though. Getting another job like that isn’t something I worry about.

And who knows what the future holds? He could run off and leave me tomorrow, we could live together happily until we are one hundred years old, or the tests results i’m waiting on could tell me i’ll be dead in 5 years.

@Muffinsorcrumpets Fair enough. I suppose I would describe those jobs as fairly effortless.

I mean, an online passport application takes about 10 minutes.

Because women are actually all different and have different life experiences, challenges, desires, tastes...so make different choices?

@BorisJohnsonatemyhampster I am not exaggerating. The waiting around in lawyers offices doesn't happen so much these days but it used to happen 10 years ago when he worked in acquisition finance on the banking side of things when deals were getting ready to close. He works on another side of the private equity business now and is more a facilitator/consultant on these deals rather than hands on closing them.

Now his client meetings are more during business hours and zoom has made a massive difference but he still has to entertain and network to get new business in.

Last week he was taken out to a concert and whereas usually he'd jump on the tube to get home straight after the expectation was to carry on the night at a late bar and only just managed to get home by 2am.

@Dillidilly

But men don't?

But unless you were in an identical role, how would it affect anything if you also worked? You would have childcare during the day, and then be with them as normal that evening. What's the issue?

The post you quoted did insinuate there was something wrong with it and you agreed with it. So yes you did in a roundabout way.

The woman who said 'you are only one man away from the state' spoke with bitter experience. 'The state' pays shit, it's conditional and you have to jump through hoops. This was her experience. That was why she was back in education to get better paying work and independence so she was no longer in the thrall of the state or her abusive ex. Oh - and also so her pension was healthy.

So much for The Sisterhood, women having choices and building each other up 🙄

Feminism isn't just about choice it's about exposing that so many 'choices' that women make are not necessarily in their best interests and/or really free. It is also about exposing the disparity between men's choices and those of women - funny how men rarely have to decide between an independent income and bein a SAHP.

I was replying to your question about women.

@Dillidilly

Yes I know. But I dont understand why women just accept that women make vastly different choices to men and dont question why.

How has thread turned into one comparing WOHM with SAHM rather than one comparing SAHM to those claiming benefits?
A lot of the reasons for being a SAHM apply even more to a single mother on benefits, without a second person to rely on financially or practically. Childcare more than salary, difficulty in managing childcare if a job if the other partner is away a lot (still easier than if a partner is NEVER there), difficulty in juggling housework…I am a full-time plus WOHM and the pressure rises exponentially if my DH is working away for a few times a week - I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to a single mother working full time with no support at all, particularly on a low salary with no ability to buy in help. The audacity of the SAHM with rich husbands looking down their noses at those claiming benefits - they have NO idea. Those mothers are likely working twice as hard as them.

It's not so much that the jobs are difficult ones, it's trying to arrange time for them that can be difficult sometimes, Handscreen. Depends on your job of course, some are quite a bit more flexible than others.

But men all make different choices too.
For example, my DH was the child of a high flying father. He made the choice to be less ambitious (for want of a better word) because he wanted to be around day to day for our children.
As a consequence, he hasn't had the financial or public success of his father. But that was a trade off he was happy to make.

And also yes, my taxes do contribute to benefits (unlike many I am a net contributor), but as pp said SAHM do negatively affect me as well in that they set the expectation that a high flyer should have no responsibilities at home. Thankfully I think things are changing as previously noted (zoom etc definitely helps) and I understand the new generation, men or women, are more willing to say work life balance is a key factor for them.

@YetAnotherSpartacus it sounds like you are trying to make women make only the choices of which you approve?
That's not Feminism.

@Dillidilly

No. Not really. Not in terms of choosing to give up careers they don't. 98%, of sahp are women

sounds like you are trying to make women make only the choices of which you approve?

It is very clear I am not saying that.

Yes I know. But I dont understand why women just accept that women make vastly different choices to men and dont question why.

exactly.

I think we're getting into a circular argument, because you have already said you don't understand how or why some women get great fulfilment from being at home caring for their children.
So, some of those 98% of SAHW will be doing it because they really want to and it's their choice.
And that's actually OK.
And it's OK if it's not your choice.

But, just because you don't understand their choice, doesn't make it wrong or invalid. You come across as though you want to impose your choices on every other woman (apologies if I've misinterpreted you).

Apologies, that's how I interpreted your posts.

The bottom line, though, is that women are allowed to want and make different choices...even ones of which you don't approve, such as being a SAHP.

@Dillidilly

Nope

It would be good if women could acknowledge the sexism that informs their choices but on an individual level I dont care what other women do

If they want to talk about being completely fulfilled by not working and hold their oh to a different standard thats up to them

@Topgub no. It didn’t imply anything. I said I don’t work because I have better things to do with my time. I pursue my passions. I didn’t say anywhere you have to be a man to be passionate about your career.
Carry on enjoying your job, you don’t need to justify it.

What some of us are trying to point out is that those ‘choices ‘ are both gendered and constrained and also have real limitations for women, especially financially.

The argument always seems to go from this being pointed out (clearly) to SAHM then claiming either that their Choices are not being recognised or they are somehow being looked down on.

It comes across as very defensive.

Carry on enjoying your job, you don’t need to justify it.

something rarely said to men …

For someone who doesn't care, your posts come across as very vehement?

I'm very happy and confident with my life choices (well, not the crap medical diagnosis). I'm happy to see other women live their lives as they want.