To think being a SAHM/housewife is not the same as someone claiming benefits?

[Jajana]

Was chatting to my sister and was talking about how my MIL is a housewife (sorry not sure if that’s the correct term). She said that being a SAHM/housewife is no different to someone claiming benefits and would rather claim benefits than rely on someone for an income!

Bearing in mind, FIL runs a very successful business and all of the money MIL receives is from private funds - not through the state.

Am i being reasonable to think being a SAHM/housewife isn’t the same as claiming benefits?

I wonder why more men don't prefer it

Perhaps because they don't breastfeed, they don't enjoy looking after others as much as working, they prefer to focus on their careers, they may earn a higher salary etc etc

So I've just looked at the emergency babysitters website that was mentioned above as the answer to the "excuses" I made for being a SAHM rather than staying in my very long and unpredictable working hours job a 90min commute form my home.

They advise two or three days notice for bookings although can sometimes accommodate bookings weighing two hours) - we'll sometimes isn't going to work for me and we'd never know two or three days in advance that both of us suddenly need to stay at work at the same time.

They do not pick up from childcare settings as they are not a chaperone service - so how do we get a child back to my home from nursery/school or wherever?

They do not stay after midnight unless you have booked an overnight service in advance and provided a suitable bed for the sitter - no idea how that would have worked for us - DH is often not home until 2am after an evening closing a deal or taking clients out.

I know that not every job is so demanding but plenty are. It's still clear to me that my choices were simply to either hire a full time live in Nanny and barely spend any time with my longed for newly adopted babies or basically be the Nanny. It's not even a choice when you really think about it.

This - I can't believe anyone sees it any other way.

I have a job so I reply on my employer for money. Same as a housewife relies on her husband I suppose.

I remember reading in another thread someone insisting if both parents were working, a cleaner was a necessity rather than a luxury.

Nearly everyone I know (working and SAHMs) has a cleaner where I live (out of all my friends, I can think of one other who doesn't have a cleaner) but that still (imo) doesn't make it an essential like rent or mortgage, gas/electricity, food, water etc!

@pinklavenders

Very few women breastfeed for very long. I highly doubt it has that much of an impact.

Youre coming dangerously close to saying women are designed to look after kids and men are designed to make money.

I think it's probably true to say that the SAHP facilitates the WOHP's career where both partners are lower earners, as they would struggle to afford childcare even with both partners working. In that scenario, there really isn't much choice as to whether one parent becomes a SAHP, unless both are able to work PT or do opposite hours around each other's shifts etc.

However, I don't think it's true that people with really successful careers need a SAHP at home in order to facilitate that career. I think that has been amply disproven by the sheer number of very successful people in different fields who have managed to rise to the top without having had that support. Of course, having a SAHP might make life easier in many ways, but it certainly isn't a requirement.

Why are people bringing breastfeeding into it? I bf dd until she was nearly 3, it didn't stop me from working.

I could never, ever rely on a man for money. It's too risky. As a woman once said to me (voice of bitter experience) "you are one man from the state".

But how is it that it’s ok to pay for a housekeeper in this way but if a mum (or dad) chooses to do this job, they’re seen as essentially unemployed? Seems wrong.

For me, it is not the nature of work that is done, but the question of whether one is financial dependent on a spouse or an employer.

It's personally risker to be completely financially dependent on a spouse, because one lacks bargaining power.

With an abusive employer, you can leave, threaten to leave, or shop around for the best (or "least bad") working situation, and you can also increase your bargaining power by improving and learning new skills and experience which can potentially make you a more attractive employee.

You can't do this with an abusive spouse if you are a SAHM; you can't be like "I don't like my breadwinning husband because he treats me like shit, so I'm going to look around for another breadwinning husband to support me instead." Men rarely want to support other men's genetic offspring, so you are basically tied to the one you've got. As you get older and acquire children, you become ever-less attractive to other men as a wife, so the odds of finding a man willing to become your new breadwinner and support you and your kids (to him, these would be stepkids) in the style you are accustomed to will get lower with each year. So if you have little employment history you are in a financially vulnerable position.

A housekeeper does not have this issue; (s)he can leave and find another position if (s)he is poorly treated.

@YetAnotherSpartacus I hope the director of every company you’ve ever workedd for has been a woman then!

Probably depends on what type of area you live in. I live in a very working class area, a lot of us including myself work in the local factories or the airport, manufacturing is a big industry here. No one I know could justify the cost of a cleaner when you can just do it yourself especially with the cost of living nowadays.

Youre coming dangerously close to saying women are designed to look after kids and men are designed to make money.

Every woman (and man) should be free to choose how she wants to live her life! Women need a good education and the opportunity for a great career!

But many women find looking after a family a very fulfilling job.

Cleaning your own house and looking after children you chose to have is not, and never will be, a job. It's just part of life. The reason you pay other people to do it is because they're cleaning YOUR house and looking after YOUR kids. They're not obligated to do it the way you are obligated to.

There are many, many people (mostly women) trapped in caring roles

The worst part of it is being invisible to society at large. Well maybe not the worst part but the most frustrating.

I hope the director of every company you’ve ever workedd for has been a woman then!

I have never worked for private enterprise. Like all workers, though, I have skills and a CV as well as references. I've changed jobs (never been sacked) and each time like other workers, of both sexes, I have applied for new ones. That's what workers do.

This is a little different to being left high and dry when he fucks off with something younger, perkier and tighter (see the relationships board for examples) - or even if he becomes ill or dies.

Far, far too risky - as the wise woman who spoke with experience told me.

@pinklavenders

You can look after a family and work.

Women are restricted in getting a good eduction and good career because of sexist beliefs like they are better suited to finding fulfillment from not working.

Cleaning your own house and looking after children you chose to have is not, and never will be, a job. It's just part of life.

And?

Both activities are contributing to society - in one case you're offering your services to an outside employer, in the other you're offering your services within your family.

Why is the latter less valuable?

I didn't say it wasn't valuable. I said it's not a job.

So a 'job' is only a job if it's performed outside the home in return for a salary?

If I truly thought that being a sahp was so fulfilling and of such a benefit I'd be expecting my male oh to value it as much as me.

I wouldnt be ok with him not valuing it and working instead

It's no wonder so many men are incapable when they're accustomed to their personal needs being taken care of by their wife.

Many have a non sexual work wife massaging their ego, reminding them of the days plan.

From DM to DW any independent years before the transition when they managed to look after their admin or iron clothes, even vacuuming is forgotten.

If reincarnation exists I definitely want to come back as a man.

@pinklavenders

How does providing a service for your family benefit society?

I'm a sahm and claim benefits because I am also my child's carer. Ideally we would both be sahm parents and carers because he needs a minimum of 2:1 care. Childcare isn't a possibility because it doesn't exist in our situation where occasional specialist residential respite is the only respite we can get.

To add men agree to the SAHW it is easiest for them otherwise they'd have to share the daily tasks after working all day.

It rarely benefits the woman.