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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are people in care homes constantly treated like this?

136 replies

Mooooooooooooo · 01/05/2022 07:57

If i were to whistleblow, I'd be doing it for every single care home.
Residents are constantly referred to as 'cute'. Why? They wouldn't be referred to in that way if they weren't elderly I bet.
Having their heads patted by carers.
Talk of 'favourites'.
We do have some absolutely lovely, endearing and sweet residents but still, they don't deserve to be patronised.
Talking about them in front of them thinking because they have dementia, they won't understand.
A nurse told me that a lady with dementia needs a wash because she 'stinks' even though she was right in front of me.
I know we have some residents who are very hard of hearing so you do have to shout, but sometimes there's a very bossy/rude tone from carers.
It's the case in many homes I've seen

OP posts:
Norush4 · 01/05/2022 16:54

Confusion101 · 01/05/2022 08:05

I wouldn't consider cute a disrespectful word. I have heard it used to describe people of all age groups and it's always been used positively?

When I did my training years ago.. we git taught that any type of my love, darling, sweatheart, duck type of names were literally forma of abuse! I get the drift but I don't think people mean any harm. Cute isn't one that I have ever heard to describe anyone really other than a baby or small child!

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 16:56

saltinesandcoffeecups · 01/05/2022 13:29

I’ll say this again. If you think you will be in a position to be responsible for elderly people get them and yourself an Alexa with video now, before they go into a care home. Get them used to using it before there is any mental decline.

my mother was placed in a transitional rehab/care home last summer and it was invaluable for me to be able to ‘drop in’ with video. It was also reassuring that the staff encouraged it. It told me that they weren’t worried about unannounced visits.

this was especially true since I live 6 hours away and she was in during COVID lockdowns.

So you was filming? Is this allowed?

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/05/2022 17:01

Well it's nice to think us carers are highly thought of 🙄

watcherintherye · 01/05/2022 17:04

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 16:56

So you was filming? Is this allowed?

Why shouldn’t a video call be allowed? It would be just like having a FaceTime call with your relative in their home. If a care home wasn’t happy with that, it would make me very suspicious. They’re not prisons. The people in them have a right to have contact with friends and relatives.

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 17:28

Who are you speaking to in such a jumped up tone? You never stated it was a video call... the way you said it was as though you wanted to film the staff.

Many people would not want to be filmed whilst working and just so I am clear I do not begrudge a video call... the world has moved along and hospitals have Ipads.

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 17:31

I love mn quick to come with suggestions but it's quite apparent some have you have never really looked after YOUR OWN relatives never mind anybody else. Yet you will be the first to jump and critise others who have first hand experience. It's laughable

NellesVilla · 01/05/2022 18:17

I love mn quick to come with suggestions but it's quite apparent some have you have never really looked after YOUR OWN relatives never mind anybody else. Yet you will be the first to jump and critise others who have first hand experience. It's laughable

Yup. Many relatives haven’t got a clue and are simply great at criticizing staff who are under a lot of pressure and demand. Many carers are excellent and I’d love to see relatives do any better.

watcherintherye · 01/05/2022 18:18

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 17:28

Who are you speaking to in such a jumped up tone? You never stated it was a video call... the way you said it was as though you wanted to film the staff.

Many people would not want to be filmed whilst working and just so I am clear I do not begrudge a video call... the world has moved along and hospitals have Ipads.

I didn’t state anything. The original post about Alexa with video which I quoted wasn’t mine. It seemed obvious from the post that the poster was talking about the equivalent of a video call. The Alexa device would presumably be on the bedside table or trolley, near to the relative. Who do you think you are, calling me jumped up? Hmm

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 18:22

Honestly some need a reality check I remember having 8 people to look after all needing assistance with toileting, taking for breakfast some that needed help getting up and out of bed it's a really tough job!.

The evening Times were the most busiest...running round the corridors looking for another free staff member to assist as you needed 2 people minium that is why I left in the end. Wages too low and not enough staff for the work load that was given to me. A lot of young staff did the job too... there's a deeper issue here. I can't even be bother to explain...

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 18:35

It was me who made the comment regarding most care homes need to be whistle blown on. I stand by it. I also stand by the fact that even after whistle blowing not much gets done. Anybody here who’s relatives have received good care then I believe that is the exception and not the rule. Feel free to disagree.

In the city I live in I do believe this to be true. I have worked in many of them via an agency. There are very, very few that provide good care. If this upsets people then what am I supposed to do? Stay quiet? No these issues need to be discussed. They don’t end well on mumsnet which lets face it is a middle class demographic and there will be very few people here who have worked as carers.

Game face most certainly is a thing.

i could write essays on this subject so stuggle to articulate it all into a few short paragraphs.

My mother was a nurse who managed many, many homes within this city. Usually to raise standards. Multiple times she reported homes to CQC and multiple times she was met with barriers….. so…. So SO many barriers. Structural ones that she as a practitioner could not over ride.

There are many, many stories she too has experienced managing these homes and she is currently writing a book about her life working within them. She managed to close a whole chain of care homes in this city and she received death threats from the owners who themselves couldn’t give a shiny shite about the residents but wanted to harm my mother for stopping their (very lucrative income).

She has regularly forked out on fish and chip takeaways for residents when the food has ran out (and she’s never once got these expenses back but who in the right mind can sit back knowing residents will go hungry?)

This isn’t a dig at care staff themselves. They go above and beyond, but they can only do so much when they face long, long hours particularly on rubbish pay. Too many care needs not enough staff. Untrained agency workers hoisting people dangerously etc etc etc etc! Pads being LIMITED to 4 a day, and If you shit yourself again then good luck with that. Pressure sores not being treated, care plans not being followed.

Oh gosh, lost my trail of thought now.

Like I said I’ve worked in many homes within my city and I absolutely shudder at the thought of going in one and this is a view that is shared by many of the carers I myself have come into contact with over the years. Personally we would love the ignorance that people live with. Unfortunately you cannot unsee what you have seen. This is why good people leave the sector. It creates a moral injury within to stay and witness such events.

This post hasn’t been written to upset people but neither should I sugar coat mine and my mothers experiences. They are quite often brutal and unforgiving places to set foot in.

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 18:36

@Norush4

Oh I know that weary feeling. I mean where would we even begin? We stand no chance on here.

Adamsauntagain · 01/05/2022 18:40

I've been on this thread three times and then I delete my account because it's too aggravating and then I find myself back on here again because some things you just can't let go. Right @Norush4 I have looked after an elderly relative but his needs were too great for me to continue to do so and that is why they are in a nursing home. I have defended carers, nursing homes and calling people love on this thread (because Jesus, it doesn't matter and I also understand the theory around it) BUT there sometimes there are safeguarding issues in care and nursing homes and sometimes there are poor carers sometimes giving poor care and that's a fact that I'm sure you would acknowlege yourself. I entered into my relative needing a nursing home so stressed and terrified for them because I'd read about bad carers and care homes but the truth is there are some outstanding carers and nurses out there and some really caring nursing homes and care homes. There are also some average carers who are there for the money (the very underpaid for the job money) and do what they need to do and get out - they aren't abusive, they're just giving the bare minimum - clean, care, feed and leave but that is different from people who are abusive and neglectful. It seems if the norm and the culture of the place is to give good kind care and the people working there take a pride in doing that the potentially bad carers are the minority and they're monitored by their colleagues as much as anybody else.
I'm pleased that my relative is somewhere that thus far, has a caring ethos, where the majority of the carers and good and caring and some are outstandingly good at, what is a difficult job, emotionally and practically. There are some good, kind nurses and cleaners there too and the chefs are very good at giving people what they want to eat and trying to make allowances around medical needs versus dietary preferences. I keep a constant eye out - as much as I can - because I know things can change and places can go downhill but I really hope it doesn't. A lot of it is, as someone said above, to do with management too. It's a place with a nice heart and also, some fun but it goes through phases of being short staffed and that is very hard for the staff. The agency carers aren't well thought of - possibly because they get paid more for the same work (not their fault I know) and on one occasion I heard about, don't always turn up.
So, thank you good caring carers you are VERY highly thought of. Please read the comments on this thread that say this and similar and not the other ones. I really am deleting my account now and not coming back - because it's all a bit bad for my blood pressure, but just to say again, thank you.

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 18:44

@JollyWilloughby absolutely where I worked was fabulous but I have heard horror stories like what you say you have experienced. It was a very wealthy Jewish care home. We had chefs and a team of house keepers... and we had laundry staff also. I thank my lucky stars we had the additional roles to help us although it was a huge place so it was needed. The actual carers were still thin on the ground. You get the odd couple of good nurses that will assist and help out but most will deliberately sit in the office and drag their medicine round all morning.

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 18:44

It’s not necessarily a management issue, it can be an owner issue. There are wider, structural issues here at play. Some owners restrict the use of pads for example to save money, doesn’t matter how kind the home manager is, they will not be able to over ride that.

Even after informing CQC it is often all brushed under the carpet.

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 18:47

@Norush4

Yes many nurses will not roll their sleeves up. My mum always did. Always worked on the ground too but she is retired now, and writing her book. She was so passionate.

There have been other home managers who have been able to give their opinion in certain chapters of the book too.

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 18:49

@Adamsauntagain thank you. I don't mind someone sharing their horror stories. However I find some people don't address the root cause why is staffing so poor? Why did nobody bother to turn up for their shift? Why is the company having to rely on agency and payout excess money?

Why isn't training pushed to higher levels for the residents complex needs? I don't rember having refresher training which is very odd because a lot of other health settings you do or it's available.

Adamsauntagain · 01/05/2022 19:01

The social care sector should not be privatised - it absolutely shouldn't.
Yes, huge structural issues.
That said, there are some good nursing homes with caring staff despite that and some companies are way better than others . @JollyWilloughby you are scare mongering - you and your mum's experiences are not the be all and end all. Your mum's not the only passionate person working in adult social care/nursing homes and that passion isn't exclusive to those in managerial or nursing positions. You are very proud of her and that is nice. but your knowledge isn't secret and you sound a little arrogant talking about people living in ignorance - we know, that's why people are so wary of their relatives needing to go into care and why it is so incredibly stressful and why people keep an almost constant eye out.

roadsweep · 01/05/2022 19:04

Confusion101 · 01/05/2022 08:05

I wouldn't consider cute a disrespectful word. I have heard it used to describe people of all age groups and it's always been used positively?

My 86 year old grandfather would absolutely hate being referred to as cute. As a Coronel in the British army and high ranking officer for the Saudi national Guard, it would be an insult.

Babies are cute, not fully grown adults.

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/05/2022 19:11

Time for me to do a 12 hr night shift. To give my best to the residents we look after.

JollyWilloughby · 01/05/2022 19:12

@Adamsauntagain

I didn’t say she was the only passionate person working in social care. Neither did I say it was a secret. Anyone can write a book about their experiences. It’s not exclusive, like I said she’s collaborating with many other home managers. No, you don’t need to be a manager to be passionate but working at that level (and on the ground) does give you a wide ranging level of expertise on current issues within care homes. There’s nothing arrogant about that. That’s just a fact.

it’s a shame you think it’s scare mongering. It’s attitudes like that that don’t really help bring these issues more into light. Keeping an eye on your relatives is obviously a very sensible thing to do. Unfortunately not everyone has that watchful eye.

its all well and good you saying it “shouldn’t” be privatised but that’s not the reality is it? Particularly for homes with private owners of which there are many.

Adamsauntagain · 01/05/2022 19:19

Saying everything is terrible isn't bringing issues into the light - it's just saying everything is terrible. It's scaremongering. Of course there are issues, I just said that. Everybody knows that. That's why this thread started in the first place. Of course we need to know - there has been a fair bit in the news about that already, that's why most people don't want themselves or their relatives to be in care or nursing homes. But there is good care there too. Any decent book should discuss good practice alongside safeguarding concerns. A light should be shone on all of it.

ts all well and good you saying it “shouldn’t” be privatised but that’s not the reality is it? Particularly for homes with private owners of which there are many.

Yes, and it shouldn't be that way. There is nothing wrong with me saying it, it's not an unusual viewpoint - it was a response to the comments around structural issues.

MardyOldGoth · 01/05/2022 19:26

I worked in a care home around 20 years ago. We called an ambulance for a woman with breathing difficulties and paramedics were debating about whether she needed to be taken to hospital. In front of her, one said 'If she's going to cark it anyway, she's probably better staying here.' Couldn't believe what I was hearing!

I agree with a PP about carers though. There's an old saying about what you get if you pay peanuts. The entire system needs an overhaul - training, qualifications, pay and working conditions, the lot!

Maverickess · 01/05/2022 19:35

vodkaredbullgirl · 01/05/2022 19:11

Time for me to do a 12 hr night shift. To give my best to the residents we look after.

I hope it goes well, seeing as you've been ignored already once on this thread - which pretty much sums up how carers are treated - ignored unless it's to be slagged off.

I honestly cannot believe that with all the very public problems facing social care, the very real issues that people are facing, the absolute shit show that social care is, that this is being considered such a problem. It's a symptom of a much wider problem, and a minor one at that.

Everyone wants those delivering care to care, want their relatives treated well, want their carers to treat them like their own family - yet when they do they're accused of being abusive and patronising people.
I get the theory behind it, but a blanket ban and insisting that no one do it is in no way person centred - what about what the person being cared for wants? What if it makes them feel included, valued, that they mean something to someone other than just a job to do? Nope, you will have what someone else has decided is appropriate for your dignity to be respected and that is that!

Norush4 · 01/05/2022 19:46

It's not just the carers at fault it's the relatives. I think it's an old school rule before my time.. night staff would dress residents half a sleep and then put them back in bed because day time staff cannot possibly wash and dress 8 people and take them to the main hall for breakfast and assist with feeding on top of. It's relatives who demand that their family member is dressed by a certain time. Perhaps the resident doesn't want to get dressed?

NellesVilla · 01/05/2022 19:49

I hope it goes well, seeing as you've been ignored already once on this thread - which pretty much sums up how carers are treated - ignored unless it's to be slagged off.

True