Why are people in care homes constantly treated like this?

[Mooooooooooooo]

If i were to whistleblow, I'd be doing it for every single care home.
Residents are constantly referred to as 'cute'. Why? They wouldn't be referred to in that way if they weren't elderly I bet.
Having their heads patted by carers.
Talk of 'favourites'.
We do have some absolutely lovely, endearing and sweet residents but still, they don't deserve to be patronised.
Talking about them in front of them thinking because they have dementia, they won't understand.
A nurse told me that a lady with dementia needs a wash because she 'stinks' even though she was right in front of me.
I know we have some residents who are very hard of hearing so you do have to shout, but sometimes there's a very bossy/rude tone from carers.
It's the case in many homes I've seen

In your first line you said you would have to whistleblow for all homes @Mooooooooooooo How did you think people would interpret that?

Ah ok. Then maybe report all the shit ones and just go to the nice ones?

Of course they are, when there are visitors around!

When my mum was in a care home at a relatively young age but with mild dementia one of the staff came in the room and I asked how mum was doing. She said “she’s not too good”, she then pulled the bedsheets away from her feet and said “ her feet and legs will change colour when she’s near the end, she’s not quite there yet”. I just couldn’t believe that a member of staff would say that in front of my mum. 😢

A friend of a friend is a complete narcissist, and was working as a while as a carer. During lockdown, she took her family (partner and two sons) into the home of a vulnerable lady with dementia. This is because she was expecting a phone call during her visit, and thought that they could look after her (they were complete strangers to her) while she took the call.
I reported it. I just couldn't believe that she would be so selfish as to risk the woman's health.
She wasn't even fired.
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys (in some cases, by no means all).

For balance, I know a lot of people who are living in care homes. I see them treated with respect, dignity and as individuals. I see them receiving person centred care. Their hobbies and interests are supported. Their personal care treated as priority. Their social needs met. Their family and loved ones kept informed. Their surroundings looked after and made personalised where possible. Relationships with staff are positive and regularly reviewed. Clear whistleblowing and complaints procedures are in place with easy to follow and confidential opportunities to report.

Not all care homes are unpleasant. Not all care staff are unfeeling. Care homes can be a very positive experience, filled with laughter, compassion, comfort and respect.

Not all care homes.are.the same! My mum is in a lovely one and she loves it there. The staff are absolutely lovely and respectful too.

Glad to hear there are some lovely ones too

Not in my mum's care home it's wonderful.

Not all Carers are like this but the system is totally broken. People working minimum wage in a stressful busy environment with too much to do and insufficient training and no hope for progression. It brings out the worst in people. Medical staff in elderly care hospitals aren't much better in my opinion - just watched more.

That is not behaviour I would accept in any care home I’ve worked in. I have challenged it on the spot and taken it higher when the staff member is combative or unreceptive, or when there is an organisational issue rather than any one individual. Please consider doing the same.

For balance, the vast majority of people I’ve worked with in care contexts are warm, caring and doing their absolute best in a tough job. Those who are deliberately cruel are rare. Those who are trying and get it wrong are more common, but generally open to learning and doing better.

Only on MN would being called 'cute', 'pet', 'petal' : be deemed abusive language.

Interesting that OP used words like "lovely" "endearing" "sweet" to describe residents. Why are those words not being deemed abusive ("condescending", "patronising") language, too?

I routinely tell adult DS that he stinks. If that's what it takes to coax him into a shower.... I might say it in front of other members of our household. He's not got SN or MH issues. He's just not bothered, which I vastly prefer to the anxiety fest that most MNers seem to live in. It's factual, not shameful.

tbh, people talk about small children in front of them with great explicitness when the kids can't understand or mind. If anything, it's much more respectful to have those conversations in front of resident but with colleagues or their F&F than to talk about the residents behind their backs. Isn't talking about someone behind their backs one of the big things that most people hugely resent?

Don't think I can agree with single one of OP's concerns.

I've a young relative in a nursing home, not the most appropriate place for her but there's no choice really. We've found the home generally very satisfactory but we challenge any issues we see and try and do it in a positive way. The home constantly ask for dry shampoo and don't brush it out properly when they use it. We also notice they shower her far less frequently when she has dry shampoo so we rarely supply it. Because she's quite young but is seen as lacking capacity to make decisions we need to give permission to allow her to be photographed. The home are very keen to put craft activities etc on FB and constantly ask permission which we always refuse.
The staff are generally really well meaning but like most things in life it's all about communication.

I understand your point and have unfortunately got more experience in this field than I want. Be aware that ‘changing homes’ isn’t an option for some people. My DF was only accepted by one home due to his needs (not aggressive) and I hated it with a passion. The staff were not good in the main and there was nothing we could do about it.

FIL is in a beautiful place where the staff are exceptional. It’s complicated.

Across the board, care staff are too low in number so are pushed for time, undertrained without enough oversight. Probably because that patronising attitude towards the elderly is very embedded in society, so care is a very low paid, low status job.

People literally say 'couldn't you do x/yz instead' when they hear I work in care. My work is a privilege, but so few in the field see it that way. Its heartbreaking

ive worked in the sector as a career, my mother has managed an awful lot of care homes as a nurse and most need to be whistle blowed on.

The large majority fail to provide adequate care because of a lack of funding, lack of training, lack of career progression and profit makers from home owners who couldn’t give a shiny shite about the care of the residents and are more concerned with the money they pay.

Carer rather

And don’t even get me started on the “game face”

when family walk through the door and everyone turns into Mary Poppins….. it’s not the reality

they’re bloody awful god forsaken places, and I wish I never stepped foot in them so I could live the life of ignorance like everyone else.

makes me shudder at the thought of going in one

Stupid scaremongering thread title - please get it changed.

@JollyWilloughby I'm sure your comments are really helpful for relatives broken hearted about having to put their loved ones into care homes when there is no other option.

I used to teach ESOL to new carers in care homes. Most of them were lovely people from India and the Philippines who couldn’t do more for their clients. They were v sweet and eager to learn colloquial English to be able to communicate with the people they cared for.

However, the stench of urine put me off and one reason why I couldn’t work in one. I have been a carer to people in their own homes before and so much easier to keep on top of interesting smells and the general cleanliness of the client and building!

@NellesVilla what a horrible sweeping statement to make.

@lollipoprainbow ?????!

@NellesVilla 'stench of urine'

I can well imagine that the behaviour your list is the tip of the iceberg. I can't stand the patronising tone that is used by many HCPs and care workers, calling older women 'my love', and my personal favourite 'aw bless' to every single fucking thing that anyone says in relation to an older person. Older people are just people, the same as us, and I really, really wish that patronising words and phrases were banned when speaking to them. It grates so much with me and I'm only middle aged. I'd honestly rather kill myself than have to listen to that shit all day every day.

As for saying, in someone's hearing, that they stink - that is appalling and should be reported.