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AIBU?

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Original poster

To miss my sister's wedding?

106 replies

Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:03

My DS (in her early 60s and my only sibling) has been living with her partner for 14 years. After a toxic divorce from her first husband she said she'd never marry again. Yesterday she invited me to attend her register office wedding, booked for mid-morning on a weekday in five weeks' time. She's invited my DP too.

My DS and I get on okay but have different views on some important issues and what we can safely talk about is limited. Over the years since our parents died we've drifted. We stay in touch with a monthly phone call and sometimes send a quick text or email update, but I wouldn't say we're close. She has a very quick temper and flares up easily so I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her a lot of the time.

DP and I have a week's leave booked the week of the wedding and have paid for a rental cottage in Cornwall. My DP (who has only met my sister a couple of times) has said a flat no thank you to the wedding invitation. DP says travelling down to Cornwall on the Saturday, driving from Cornwall to the Midlands (it will easily take six hours) and back again midweek, then driving home again on the Friday is too big an ask and I agree. I could do it on my own, travelling up the day before and booking a hotel. I've had a quick google of the rail fares and hotel costs and gulped, but it's my sister's wedding, isn't it?

Lockdown and Covid have made me more introverted than I was. And I've put on weight and gone grey in the last three years. Plus I'm already beginning to panic at the thought of trying to find something suitable to wear. I'm very much a jeans and walking boots woman and I'm out of the habit of dressing up. I also hate having my photo taken. But this isn't about me, is it? This is my DS's wedding. Much as I'd like to say no, I'm going to have to pull myself together and go, no matter the cost and inconvenience aren't I?

OP posts:
AKAanothername · 30/04/2022 12:06

No, you've got a holiday booked, it's really unfortunate timing but you can't make it. If your holiday was abroad would you come back? The cost and timing from, say, Spain would be comparable.

Tschecked · 30/04/2022 12:08

If she was that keen for you to go she could have asked if you had any plans in the next few weeks. I wouldn't go, but it shouldn't be a big thing. You already have a holiday booked. Leaving the holiday and making that long trip would be daft.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 30/04/2022 12:10

You have already booked & paid for a holiday. It would not even be a consideration to go to the wedding if you'd booked a week abroad.
Wish her well, send a nice present & go on holiday.

GreenClock · 30/04/2022 12:13

If the relationship is emotionally distant she probably won’t be hugely bothered by your absence. She’s probably more concerned about having her close friends there.

BUT….I may be wrong. I would talk to her and gauge her reaction. If she seemed very disappointed I’d consider moving the holiday booking to a different part of the UK closer to the venue, and driving to the wedding and back in one day.

Dreambigger · 30/04/2022 12:13

Don't give it too much thought. U can't go. Not to worry. She might have just been including u to be polite. She would have checked with you before booking otherwise. Send nice gift...wish her well.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/04/2022 12:14

Just thank her for the invitation, wish her well and explain you've already booked and paid for a week away. Send them a present.

You don't need to go into all the other details, they just sound like excuses.

DowntonCrabby · 30/04/2022 12:40

You’ve booked and paid for a holiday, it’s totally ok not to attend.

Clymene · 30/04/2022 12:43

So sorry you can't go because you'll be on holiday. 5 weeks is very short notice.

Have a lovely holiday!

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 12:45

its one of those things where yes it would be a big faf/cost to attend

If you don't attend, your relationship probably will stay as it is, ie distant, forever. which may be fine and what everyone wants.

But if you do go, it may improve. So its whether you want that part.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 30/04/2022 12:47

I'd probably make the effort to attend and then zip down to Cornwall to join my DH on a lovely holiday.

wishitwasaduvetday · 30/04/2022 12:52

It's short notice and you have a holiday booked. Thank her, maybe suggest a meal out together when you return to celebrate, but explain you have a prebooked non refundable holiday.

Time2ChangeName · 30/04/2022 12:52

If you really wanted to go you would make it happen. You sound like you have made your mind up not to attend, which is fine if you don’t want to go. MN amazes me one person gets ‘it’s your sister/brother you must go’ and another post will say ‘they sound like hard work, do your own thing’ but regardless of the contrary nature of MN you know deep down what’s right for you.

Original poster
Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:53

GreenClock · 30/04/2022 12:13

If the relationship is emotionally distant she probably won’t be hugely bothered by your absence. She’s probably more concerned about having her close friends there.

BUT….I may be wrong. I would talk to her and gauge her reaction. If she seemed very disappointed I’d consider moving the holiday booking to a different part of the UK closer to the venue, and driving to the wedding and back in one day.

Yes, I think I'm going to talk to her and see if I can work out whether she's inviting me out of politeness, with the thought that I might be upset at not being invited, or whether she really wants me to go.

I've been to my fair share of weddings but in the last ten years or so I've really had my fill of standing round making smalltalk with people who are as bored with me as I am with them. I suppose this one will be easier. We can meet at the register office and then have lunch and then I can catch my train back, so less hanging around and smalltalk.

Has anyone else not attended a sibling's wedding?

OP posts:
MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 30/04/2022 12:54

MN amazes me one person gets ‘it’s your sister/brother you must go’ and another post will say ‘they sound like hard work, do your own thing’ but regardless of the contrary nature of MN you know deep down what’s right for you.

It's hardly amazing that different people have different opinions, is it?

Original poster
Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:58

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 30/04/2022 12:47

I'd probably make the effort to attend and then zip down to Cornwall to join my DH on a lovely holiday.

So DP goes off on the Saturday to our holiday cottage in Cornwall. I stay home till the Wednesday morning when I get up at 5.30am to catch a train at 7am to get to my sister's home town for the wedding. And then that afternoon I catch the train from there to Cornwall (7 hours) so that DP and I can have Thursday together for our holiday and drive home (5 hours) on the Friday. I suppose that's one solution...

OP posts:
MinnieMountain · 30/04/2022 13:01

My sister didn’t invite me to hers and logistics weren’t an issue. Does that count?

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/04/2022 13:04

5 weeks notice?? This is a casual invite to a casual wedding. You're under no obligation to miss your holiday for it.

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 13:04

but staying in London until Wednesday doesn't seem fair to your partner?

I'd go with him Sat so can have Sat/Sun/Monday and most Tuesday together.
train up Tuesday pm/back Wed eve?

It would also be cheaper to book a return i think from Cornwalll to X and back than single London to X, then X to Cornwall? possibly.

Clymene · 30/04/2022 13:07

I didn't go to any of my siblings weddings for various reasons. I don't think it's an issue - we still talk anyway. Maybe they're really angry with me, I don't know Grin

If you weren't going because you couldn't be bothered, then that would be one thing but you're not. You have a perfectly legitimate reason for not going.

I like the idea of offering to meet up for a nice meal afterwards.

I've just had a look online - you have to give notice 10 weeks before if you've been married before. So she's had a long time to let you know and hasn't bothered.

I would always invite my siblings to my (hypothetical) wedding but I wouldn't mind if they didn't come. Especially if it was because they had booked a holiday!

Time2ChangeName · 30/04/2022 13:08

I didn’t go to my brother’s because my best friend died unexpectedly the evening before. He was fine about it.

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 30/04/2022 13:09

Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:58

So DP goes off on the Saturday to our holiday cottage in Cornwall. I stay home till the Wednesday morning when I get up at 5.30am to catch a train at 7am to get to my sister's home town for the wedding. And then that afternoon I catch the train from there to Cornwall (7 hours) so that DP and I can have Thursday together for our holiday and drive home (5 hours) on the Friday. I suppose that's one solution...

Show quote history

Oh it's one of these threads.

OP, you asked for opinions. No need to get snippy with people who aren't telling you the opinions you want to hear.

You're a big girl presumably. If you don't want to go, don't go. You don't need validation from strangers.

Toponeniceone · 30/04/2022 13:09

No, you can't just nip up and down from Cornwall to the Midlands! Just ask her if they'd like to go out for a meal on you after the wedding when you are back home.

UsernameA1B2 · 30/04/2022 13:12

5 weeks is not enough notice and you have a holiday booked. I wouldn't go and would enjoy my holiday instead. Say sorry you have a holiday booked that week and send a wedding gift.

Vsirbdo · 30/04/2022 13:12

No you’re on holiday. Im very close to my sister and when she booked her wedding she made sure we weren’t away because it’s important to her that we come too. If your sister was that worried she should have checked with you before booking

cloudcats · 30/04/2022 13:16

My cousin did pretty much exactly this - a mid week wedding at not much more than a month's notice, miles away from where I live. I couldn't get more than a day off work so I left at 5am in the morning, then had to leave the reception at 8am to get home.

It still boggles me that they did that! I get that they booked midweek to save money and so they could afford the dream wedding they wanted, but I still don't understand why they had to do it on such short notice.

If it was me I'd try to see if I could move the holiday and take a hit financially for it if needed.

Some questions.

Will you feel guilty if you don't go and will that spoil the holiday?

If your DP was very keen on going, would you go? If in - say - five years time you'd split up, would you feel you'd gone with his wished over your DSis and regret it?