To miss my sister's wedding?

[Pluvia]

My DS (in her early 60s and my only sibling) has been living with her partner for 14 years. After a toxic divorce from her first husband she said she'd never marry again. Yesterday she invited me to attend her register office wedding, booked for mid-morning on a weekday in five weeks' time. She's invited my DP too.

My DS and I get on okay but have different views on some important issues and what we can safely talk about is limited. Over the years since our parents died we've drifted. We stay in touch with a monthly phone call and sometimes send a quick text or email update, but I wouldn't say we're close. She has a very quick temper and flares up easily so I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her a lot of the time.

DP and I have a week's leave booked the week of the wedding and have paid for a rental cottage in Cornwall. My DP (who has only met my sister a couple of times) has said a flat no thank you to the wedding invitation. DP says travelling down to Cornwall on the Saturday, driving from Cornwall to the Midlands (it will easily take six hours) and back again midweek, then driving home again on the Friday is too big an ask and I agree. I could do it on my own, travelling up the day before and booking a hotel. I've had a quick google of the rail fares and hotel costs and gulped, but it's my sister's wedding, isn't it?

Lockdown and Covid have made me more introverted than I was. And I've put on weight and gone grey in the last three years. Plus I'm already beginning to panic at the thought of trying to find something suitable to wear. I'm very much a jeans and walking boots woman and I'm out of the habit of dressing up. I also hate having my photo taken. But this isn't about me, is it? This is my DS's wedding. Much as I'd like to say no, I'm going to have to pull myself together and go, no matter the cost and inconvenience aren't I?

I think you will struggle to do both as its mid week. The plan of train to Cornwall for one day is not worth it. Surely the other way round would be more sensible. Ie travel to the wedding from Cornwall. In any case, speaking to your sister and probably not attending would be the best outcome. She’s had 14 years to marry. If your attendance were that important, she would have run it by you first.

Have you tried to move the holiday booking? Its outside the school holidays for most so shouldn't be the same difficulty to move it. If you could move the holiday forward or back a week, that would make it all a lot more achievable.

I don't know why people think using the word "whizz" would make a 12 hr return journey any more tolerable. It's really not - it's a full day driving there for most people and another full day driving back.
Plus the roads near Cornwall tend to get snarled up easily.

It's more of a Herculean effort than a whizz or a nip.

'herculean effort'

the drama.

'whizz' and 'herculean effort' are both hyperbolic.

Yes indeed @StrychnineInTheSandwiches which is exactly why I chose those words.

if you say so.

Interesting reading. I wouldn't consider missing my sister's wedding almost whatever the cost, but I'm realising that my sister and I don't have the most straightforward relationship, and also that tossing aside everyone else's comfort and convenience for her is part of that.

I think the fact that her wedding has grown beyond what she originally intended makes it perfectly fine to have a talk with her and arrange a special get together afterwards. As a pp said, if she really wanted you to be there come what may, she'd have checked with you before booking.

Given your update @Pluvia then no, I wouldn't go.

It has already grown from DSis and her DP plus 2 witnesses to them having to invite other people at quite short notice, presumably because somebody's made a bit of a fuss, so I'd tell her you'll be away.

I didn't go to my older sister's 2nd wedding because of distance. I sent flowers. She sent me some photos. It was very small.

Why are you even contemplating missing pretty much your entire holiday to go to a wedding of someone you're not even that close to?

Just speak to her and say sorry I've already booked and paid for a holiday that week, hope we can catch up after and you can tell me all about it

The 10 weeks notice if you’ve been married before is wrong. It’s 28 days for everyone, it can be extended to 70 days for suspected sham marriage. If they are both GB nationals that won’t apply.

Regarding the wedding, I’d probably do the day trip from Cornwall if the train times worked.

I'm pretty shocked at your and your DP's attitude tbh. Did he attend his siblings' weddings?
It's not unsurmountable. As a PP said, you'd travel down for the holiday and then travel for the wedding the night before. You'd only miss one or two nights of your break. I've done more travelling to attend part of a colleague's wedding in the middle of a busy work week and with another event to attend 8 hours away.
If you don't want to attend, just decline but please don't pretend it's because of the logistics. It isn't.

Call her and tell her you're really sorry that you're long booked to be away that week, but you're looking forward to seeing the pictures. Send them some flowers and champagne to celebrate.

I'm also fascinated now by the idea of being able to zip and whizz to and from Cornwall via a wedding. All I can picture is massive gridlock on A roads and delayed trains.

Is there a live stream of the wedding or could there be? Maybe that's an option?

I'm shocked that anyone books a midweek wedding and expects anyone to rearrange their lives to attend with 5 weeks' notice.

Personally I think I would try to move my holiday. Or try and work out going to the wedding. I would regret it, but if you don't think you would just say thanks but I have a holiday booked that week and send her a nice present.

"Sorry sis, but we're on holiday that week. I'd have loved to come if you'd been able to give us more notice."

She surely wouldn't expect you to fly back from an overseas holiday? Not sure why disrupting your holiday should be a thing just because it happens to be in the UK.

My Dsis didn't come to my wedding due to a work commitment. We don't have the greatest relationship and have always been quite distant. I'd never have dreamed of missing her wedding day though. Iv never really said anything as it would cause a row and we don't speak that much so there is no point but deep down il always be somewhat hurt that she felt a work meeting for a job she is no longer in, was more important than attending my wedding. I'm sure some will say I'm selfish etc but I don't no anyone whose siblings didnt attend their wedding.

I would go. Some of siblings live in different continents. I guess it comes down to your values. There are people who would tell you not to go because you fancied spending the day in your PJs eating pizza . I would make the effort.

I mean some of my siblings live in different continents. So Cornwall - Midlands seems reasonable to me.

Why has your DP said a flat no? Not very helpful or supportive is he. Only thinking of what's convenient for himself. You must feel pulled apart trying to please both parties.

I didn't attend my brother's wedding. He knew I had plans when they set the date.

We weren't close then and are still not close now, years later. There hasn't been any big bust up, just different options and different points of view.

I doff my hat to those of you who could set off at 4am, 'whizz' for 7 hours, change in the register office loo into a wedding outfit, attend the wedding, have lunch and a an hour's nap and then drive back to Cornwall. I know that after 5 hours driving I'm pooped. I do a five-hour drive every couple of months and it's more than enough. Much over that and my concentration is shot and I'm at risk of being a danger to myself and others.

@Clymene travelling to a perfectly accessible wedding in the same country for your only sibling isn't what I'd term 'rearranging your life' . It's adapting plans slightly for an one-off event.