Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my sister's wedding?

106 replies

Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:03

My DS (in her early 60s and my only sibling) has been living with her partner for 14 years. After a toxic divorce from her first husband she said she'd never marry again. Yesterday she invited me to attend her register office wedding, booked for mid-morning on a weekday in five weeks' time. She's invited my DP too.

My DS and I get on okay but have different views on some important issues and what we can safely talk about is limited. Over the years since our parents died we've drifted. We stay in touch with a monthly phone call and sometimes send a quick text or email update, but I wouldn't say we're close. She has a very quick temper and flares up easily so I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her a lot of the time.

DP and I have a week's leave booked the week of the wedding and have paid for a rental cottage in Cornwall. My DP (who has only met my sister a couple of times) has said a flat no thank you to the wedding invitation. DP says travelling down to Cornwall on the Saturday, driving from Cornwall to the Midlands (it will easily take six hours) and back again midweek, then driving home again on the Friday is too big an ask and I agree. I could do it on my own, travelling up the day before and booking a hotel. I've had a quick google of the rail fares and hotel costs and gulped, but it's my sister's wedding, isn't it?

Lockdown and Covid have made me more introverted than I was. And I've put on weight and gone grey in the last three years. Plus I'm already beginning to panic at the thought of trying to find something suitable to wear. I'm very much a jeans and walking boots woman and I'm out of the habit of dressing up. I also hate having my photo taken. But this isn't about me, is it? This is my DS's wedding. Much as I'd like to say no, I'm going to have to pull myself together and go, no matter the cost and inconvenience aren't I?

OP posts:
lap90 · 30/04/2022 15:37

You clearly don't want to go, so don't?

Are you married? Did she attend your wedding even if you aren't close?

billy1966 · 30/04/2022 15:42

wishitwasaduvetday · 30/04/2022 12:52

It's short notice and you have a holiday booked. Thank her, maybe suggest a meal out together when you return to celebrate, but explain you have a prebooked non refundable holiday.

I think this is reasonable.

I think a holiday that is planned comes ahead of a fairly last minute invitation to a wedding.

I think if people really want you there, they give a heads up, particularly coming into the summer holiday season.

When people genuinely decide to do things last minute, the get that not everyone will attend.

OP, Don't ask if she really wants you there, it serves NO purpose at all IMO.

Thank her for the invitation but say a non refundable holiday has been now fully paid for.

Time2ChangeName · 30/04/2022 15:42

kitcat15 · 30/04/2022 14:11

Why are you amazed by differing opinions? ……on MN of all places? 🙄

Show quote history

@kitcat15 😂 I know right?
A while ago there were two different posts within 24 hrs and the first one, practically everyone was saying your sister sounds awful, don’t go - all she did was book her wedding 2/3 weeks after her wedding. Another person’s relative was dying and everyone said ‘how can you miss your brother’s wedding’
It’s fine asking MN to validate a decision but the commenters don’t have to deal with the consequences of that decision.
I missed a sibling’s wedding due to a bereavement and he completely understood as did the rest of the family but with 5 weeks notice apart from a tragedy I would do whatever I could to go to my brother’s/sister’s wedding but that said we all get along and have had no major issues with each other.

Clymene · 30/04/2022 15:46

DaisyQuakeJohnson · 30/04/2022 15:35

@Clymene travelling to a perfectly accessible wedding in the same country for your only sibling isn't what I'd term 'rearranging your life' . It's adapting plans slightly for an one-off event.

It's taking 2 days out of a 7 day holiday and incurring considerable cost and inconvenience. I wouldn't go and I wouldn't expect my sibling to come in similar circumstances. She's a middle aged woman getting married to her long term partner who has had the wedding booked for 5 weeks before she let the OP know.

If she was desperate for the OP to attend, she would have a) checked in advance that the day worked and/or b) given her more notice. The fact that she has done neither suggests to me she's not that bothered.

NoSquirrels · 30/04/2022 15:47

I think this is a phone call of the “Sis! How exciting you’re getting married after all this time - I want to celebrate with you and X but we’re on holiday that week, it’s really unfortunate.” And then go from there. If she sounds gutted, that’s your cue to say you’ll try to sort something out. If she says “It’s just a last minute legal job, very low key, don’t worry” then you offer to pay for a couple of bottles of fizz at the restaurant after, or arrange a celebration when you’re back.

You know your relationship better than MN does.

Iloveacurry · 30/04/2022 15:47

I would apologise and say unfortunately you can’t attend as you have booked and paid for a holiday. 5 weeks is short notice really, especially mid week when you may have to take time off work.

Original poster
Pluvia · 30/04/2022 15:52

Seaweed42 · 30/04/2022 15:31

Why has your DP said a flat no? Not very helpful or supportive is he. Only thinking of what's convenient for himself. You must feel pulled apart trying to please both parties.

I don't regard it as unhelpful that my hard-working, getting-on-a-bit DP has said no to something that would require two days out of a precious holiday week. If we went together I'd feel really bad about all those hours driving.

I've said no to a wedding invitation issued by DP's family, due to be held in September. DP's going alone and doesn't regard me as being unhelpful. We're not the kind of couple who do everything together. I'm not trying to please DP and DP isn't 'only doing what's convenient for himself.'

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/04/2022 15:54

I wouldn't go but offer to meet up a few weeks later to have a celebratory meal.

HerRoyalNotness · 30/04/2022 15:55

I know it’s a hassle but for me, parents passed and only sibling I’d make the effort. PP idea of Cornwall for the first part of the week then go to midlands wed night and return back home is sensible

LivingFastForward · 30/04/2022 15:56

Has anyone else not attended a sibling's wedding?

I didn’t attend my siblings second wedding. To be honest, we had something else on, and I didn’t like him enough to put myself out for him.

You don’t have to go, it sounds like too much trouble to go to for someone you’re not close to and doesn’t sound very nice. I’d enjoy my holiday and not give it another thought. Maybe send a card and buy a present if you’re feeling generous.

LivingFastForward · 30/04/2022 16:01

Seaweed42 · 30/04/2022 15:31

Why has your DP said a flat no? Not very helpful or supportive is he. Only thinking of what's convenient for himself. You must feel pulled apart trying to please both parties.

My partner would go with me for someone that was kind and a big part of my life. For someone that flares up easily and I feel like I’m treading on eggshells around, no way. And he’d be right.

Original poster
Pluvia · 30/04/2022 16:06

I thought I'd posted a response to those who've suggested a day-return on the train but I can't see it. It's not possible to take a train from Penzance that will get to where I need to be in time for the wedding, so I'd have to go the day before.

OP posts:
Theworkhouse · 30/04/2022 16:08

I don't really understand what opinions you are after OP. Some people would miss their siblings weddings and some wouldn't. In your case you would be fine missing your siblings hurried wedding. You are not willing to do the day trip from Cornwall or start and finish your holiday late. So the only possible solution is to not go. If the only thing stopping you making this decision is your sisters reaction, then you must phone and ask her.

If I were you in this situation it wouldn't be an issue. I would have a holiday booked and therefore be unavailable.

gianaInfertilitySucks · 30/04/2022 16:13

It really depends on the relationship I guess. I'd never imagine a scenario I wouldn't be at my sister's wedding but if you think she invited you out of obligation or something I guess it would be okay.

Ariela · 30/04/2022 16:14

Sounds like she intended a small wedding and it's grown, so chances are she asked you late so you didn't go but has asked you out of politeness.
Decline.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 30/04/2022 16:19

I second the idea of sending apologies because you have a holiday already booked, and suggest you take the couple out for a meal instead to celebrate, either before or after the wedding - whatever she'd prefer.

Zonder · 30/04/2022 16:19

You can't go. You already have a holiday booked and she has given you very short notice. I'd write a nice reply and say thanks so much, would have loved to join you but unfortunately we are on holiday. Then I'd get her a nice present from Cornwall.

If you were close she would have discussed the date with you and you could have said you are on holiday that week.

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/04/2022 16:23

Honestly with 5 weeks notice, the state of your relationship and a booked holiday - I would decline.

Neveranynamesleft · 30/04/2022 16:34

It's an invitation not a summons.

Do what YOU want to do.

Dagnabit · 30/04/2022 16:36

There’s no way I would go in these circumstances. Sounds like an obligation invite to me and the extra travelling/missing half of my holiday would be a deal breaker for me.

Ponoka7 · 30/04/2022 16:40

You can't go, you have a holiday booked. She didn't want people there, so didn't give notice. Now because it's grown she's asking people (family) who she's obliged to. Just decline with an explanation why. I'd still send a nice gift and set an alarm to wish them well on the day.

Shellingbynight · 30/04/2022 17:13

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It's late notice so your sister can't really be surprised you've got other plans. I'd send her a gift/flowers (whatever you feel is appropriate) along with apologies for being unable to attend.

pixie5121 · 30/04/2022 17:27

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at poster's request.

mast0650 · 30/04/2022 17:32

It's unfortunate, but she really should have given you more notice. A reasonable person would understand if you say you already have a holiday booked in Cornwall. I'd suggest some kind of celebratory dinner for her and your partners as soon as possible afterwards.

Penguinsaregreat · 30/04/2022 17:39

My response would be something along the lines of "Hi, sis, that is great news about your wedding! Unfortunately we can't come. We will be on holiday in Cornwall on that date. So typical, any other week and we would be there like a shot. We must meet up to celebrate after your honeymoon/ out holiday." Please forward me the photos! Lots if love sis. "
In my opinion when someone books a midweek register office wedding they are not prioritising guests. That is totally fine.