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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To miss my sister's wedding?

106 replies

Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:03

My DS (in her early 60s and my only sibling) has been living with her partner for 14 years. After a toxic divorce from her first husband she said she'd never marry again. Yesterday she invited me to attend her register office wedding, booked for mid-morning on a weekday in five weeks' time. She's invited my DP too.

My DS and I get on okay but have different views on some important issues and what we can safely talk about is limited. Over the years since our parents died we've drifted. We stay in touch with a monthly phone call and sometimes send a quick text or email update, but I wouldn't say we're close. She has a very quick temper and flares up easily so I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells around her a lot of the time.

DP and I have a week's leave booked the week of the wedding and have paid for a rental cottage in Cornwall. My DP (who has only met my sister a couple of times) has said a flat no thank you to the wedding invitation. DP says travelling down to Cornwall on the Saturday, driving from Cornwall to the Midlands (it will easily take six hours) and back again midweek, then driving home again on the Friday is too big an ask and I agree. I could do it on my own, travelling up the day before and booking a hotel. I've had a quick google of the rail fares and hotel costs and gulped, but it's my sister's wedding, isn't it?

Lockdown and Covid have made me more introverted than I was. And I've put on weight and gone grey in the last three years. Plus I'm already beginning to panic at the thought of trying to find something suitable to wear. I'm very much a jeans and walking boots woman and I'm out of the habit of dressing up. I also hate having my photo taken. But this isn't about me, is it? This is my DS's wedding. Much as I'd like to say no, I'm going to have to pull myself together and go, no matter the cost and inconvenience aren't I?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 30/04/2022 13:16

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 30/04/2022 13:04

5 weeks notice?? This is a casual invite to a casual wedding. You're under no obligation to miss your holiday for it.

Agreed
You're under no obligation to go since you've been invited at short notice and you have a holiday booked.

Original poster
Pluvia · 30/04/2022 13:21

Clymene · 30/04/2022 13:07

I didn't go to any of my siblings weddings for various reasons. I don't think it's an issue - we still talk anyway. Maybe they're really angry with me, I don't know Grin

If you weren't going because you couldn't be bothered, then that would be one thing but you're not. You have a perfectly legitimate reason for not going.

I like the idea of offering to meet up for a nice meal afterwards.

I've just had a look online - you have to give notice 10 weeks before if you've been married before. So she's had a long time to let you know and hasn't bothered.

I would always invite my siblings to my (hypothetical) wedding but I wouldn't mind if they didn't come. Especially if it was because they had booked a holiday!

Thank you for that information. That's really good to know. I spoke to someone who knows her well because I suddenly thought that maybe she or her partner were ill and were marrying in order to mitigate IHT or something. That doesn't seem to be a factor, fortunately. Reading between the lines it was intended to be just the two of them and a couple of witnesses, but the number has grown.

OP posts:
NinjaQueen · 30/04/2022 13:25

I think in the circumstances it's fine to say you can't make it as you are away. Wish them well and send a gift, job done.

BungleandGeorge · 30/04/2022 13:26

Is it really 6 or 7 hours on a weekday or is that your partner over exaggerating? Personally I’d just miss the last 2 days of the holiday and expect partner to be willing to support me in that. It’s your sibling getting married and I think you should make the effort in those circumstances. You can see from other replies that not everyone agrees

BungleandGeorge · 30/04/2022 13:27

What I meant was that id expect a long-standing partner to go with you rather than just saying ‘a flat no’. Because he cares about you

violetbunny · 30/04/2022 13:28

I would decline and not give it a second thought. If she was that keen to have you there, she should have given you more notice (especially as it's mid week!), or at least checked if you were free. If I were your DP I wouldn't enjoy spending half the week of our planned holiday alone either.

RewildingAmbridge · 30/04/2022 13:28

With the short notice you say, ever so sorry but we're already away on holiday that week, it's too short notice to be able to cancel. Hope you have a wonderful day (and send a nice present)

ChateauMargaux · 30/04/2022 13:29

What a tricky situation.. either way, I suspect you will feel ill at ease. Unless you can easily move the holiday (and I suspect that is not easy..), I think I would be inclined to say no as you dont have a great relationship anyway but I am a people pleaser and find it very difficult to say no.... and then would be cross and grumpy feeling like no one was happy..

Do you know how many other people she has invited? Is she hoping that you and DP will be the witnesses and possibly the only guests? That might change things...

rookiemere · 30/04/2022 13:29

5 weeks notice for a wedding where the couple have been together for 14 years and you're not especially close, and it would require you to lose a huge chunk of your holiday. Nah, I'd not be going.

I'd send her a heartfelt card and present and suggest you go see her later in the year to celebrate and take them out for a meal. Still cheaper than schlepping up from Cornwall.

Enjoy your holiday btw. I love Cornwall- whereabouts are you staying?

JenniferBarkley · 30/04/2022 13:30

Don't overthink it. Just tell her what a shame it is, but you have a holiday booked that week. You're gutted to miss it and delighted for them. Send a nice present and card and text her your good wishes on the day.

burnoutbabe · 30/04/2022 13:30

and yes i would attend sisters wedding if i was in the UK. I mean i may moan here that ITS A HASSLE, but i like her and we get on so i'd suck up the extra travel.

And my partner would come as we're having a week off and would be having it together - so the side trip would be part of it - nice city hotel maybe with Spa to enjoy when arrive there. (assuming cost of hotel and train is doable, even if they are abit steap as cross country traints often are - but a 2together card for £30 (with tesco vouchers £10) would get you 1/3 of the total cost)

CuriousCatfish · 30/04/2022 13:33

Don't go. Wish them well and go and have a lovely holiday.

SpiderVersed · 30/04/2022 13:34

“Thanks the invitation but we’re on holiday that week. Have a great day!”

Job done

GrumpyPanda · 30/04/2022 13:39

Pluvia · 30/04/2022 12:58

So DP goes off on the Saturday to our holiday cottage in Cornwall. I stay home till the Wednesday morning when I get up at 5.30am to catch a train at 7am to get to my sister's home town for the wedding. And then that afternoon I catch the train from there to Cornwall (7 hours) so that DP and I can have Thursday together for our holiday and drive home (5 hours) on the Friday. I suppose that's one solution...

Show quote history

You're being facetious. If that's the timing, then both of you go down together, and you leave early on the Wed. Problem solved.

Honestly don't get your attitude - it's not like you're forfeiting a pre-booked first class flight to Australia.

mintbiscuit · 30/04/2022 13:41

One of DH’s brothers and his family didn’t come to our wedding as they had a holiday booked. We didn’t bat an eyelid, neither did anyone else.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 30/04/2022 13:43

You can't invite someone to a wedding in 5 weeks time and expect people to be free.
Enjoy Cornwall!

BreakorMake · 30/04/2022 13:44

I get the feeling that you both might be relieved if you don't go!

Sounds to me (and hope it doesn't sound mean) that you are a "duty" invite.

I would thank her for the lovely invite and say, "Congratulations sis, delighted to hear your good news. Unfortunately it was short notice and I have already booked and paid for a holiday in X that is non refundable. Maybe we could meet up for lunch/dinner either before or after the wedding? " or something along those lines.

Go with your gut. No apology necessary if you don't go.

HouseofHolbein · 30/04/2022 13:48

i got married at short notice about 6 weeks if I recall. My brother already had his holiday booked so couldn’t come. I understood absolutely… when we booked we knew that due to it being on a Friday and being in the school holidays and short notice that some people wouldn’t be able to make it.

I’d have my holiday rather than go to the wedding tbh.

KangarooKenny · 30/04/2022 13:56

I missed my brother’s wedding because he booked it after I’d booked a holiday. Not my problem.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/04/2022 13:57

If you're not that close, she invited you short notice, and you have a holiday booked then it's fine to decline.

However you clearly don't want to go anyway. The other reasons like you've had your fill of boring weddings, you can't think of what to wear, your appearance has changed over the past few years - they are all feelings and could be overcome if you really wanted to go.

So if you decline just stick purely with the practical reasons why you can't make it. If you start adding the other reasons on it really does sound like you are just making excuses

rookiemere · 30/04/2022 14:03

@GrumpyPanda "Honestly don't get your attitude - it's not like you're forfeiting a pre-booked first class flight to Australia. ".

That's such a mean thing to say. This may be OPs only holiday of this year for all we know. Logistically she either misses most of her holiday or incorporates a 12 hour round trip car journey with the wedding ceremony in the middle. Neither of those sound like good options to me.

Malbecfan · 30/04/2022 14:03

I missed my only sister's wedding. She said it was going to be in the summer, so we booked a trip away and organised our DD's 3rd birthday party for the following weekend. Sister then moved the wedding to the day of the party. We had already sent out invitations, so declined. As it happened, I badly broke my ankle whilst away and only came home from surgery the day before the party. The party was thankfully in a leisure centre so apart from making loads of sandwiches, I didn't have to do anything else. No way could I have travelled 4 hours each way in the car to the wedding. She seems to have given zero fucks that I wasn't there and has carried on pleasing herself and not caring who she upsets over the following 18 years.

GhostofMaudFlanders · 30/04/2022 14:07

Nah, I wouldn't go in those circumstances, and I've sort of been in that situation but with my step sister - destination wedding but we couldn't afford it , didn't really want to go, and wouldn't have got the time off work even if I wanted to.

You also do not give people 5 weeks notice , then complain if they can't attend.

So, you don't want to go, and now you have permission from Mumsnet!

kitcat15 · 30/04/2022 14:11

Time2ChangeName · 30/04/2022 12:52

If you really wanted to go you would make it happen. You sound like you have made your mind up not to attend, which is fine if you don’t want to go. MN amazes me one person gets ‘it’s your sister/brother you must go’ and another post will say ‘they sound like hard work, do your own thing’ but regardless of the contrary nature of MN you know deep down what’s right for you.

Why are you amazed by differing opinions? ……on MN of all places? 🙄

RosesAndHellebores · 30/04/2022 14:34

I think I'd see if the holiday company could accommodate a change of dates. If not, I think I'd whizz to the wedding and back on my own. She's your only sister and your parents are dead. I'd do the right thing op. Having said that, whilst I'm 61 so a similar age to you, a long drive there and back wouldn't particularly rattle me and dh would be happy to have a couple of days on his own to read or play golf!