to not want to be made to feel weird for wanting to start a family at 28

[cardiffgal22]

Looking for genuine opinions! I recently got married and myself and DH are hoping to start TTC in the next few months. I’m 28 and DH is 29. We currently have quite an active social life and love spending time with our friends however most of my close friends are single and in a completely different place to myself. We enjoy the odd drink but all our friends drink a lot and are at the pub or partying every weekend. Any time babies are brought up, they all laugh at the idea and say that they can’t think of anything worse and that they definitely don’t want to have children for another 10 years at least. Which is completely fair enough as everyone does things differently but I’m always made to feel like we’re settling down really early and that its odd and that there’s way more to life than starting a family? I have spent the past 10 years partying but have now had enough and don’t feel like I will be missing out at all by starting a family. I also wonder whether they have considered the possibility that it might be more difficult to TTC at the age of 38, especially if they want more than one! I still feel young but think 28 is definitely a normal age to want to start a family?

Whatever happened to getting married at about 20 and having your 2.4 kids before the age of 25? That seems a bit more biologically normal to me.
How times have changed.

YANBU. It differs for everyone but 28 is definitely in that normal bracket for wanting to start having a family. My DH and I started trying for a family when I was 25 but we didn't have our first until 27 due to recurrent losses and then our second at 29. Family complete before our thirties! We were among the first of my friend to have children though, a lot of them had their first at 31/32. I wouldn't be wanting to waiting to my late thirties. My kids exhaust me now enough as it is!

Depends on your social circle I guess. Where I’m from, by 28, you’re usually on number 2 or 3.

@cardiffgal22 For me, I found that me getting pregnant really changed a lot of my friendships - and that’s ok 😊 like you, I had a lot of single friends who were in the “not for another 10 years” camp but DH and I had been together 11 years, had our house, had good jobs and knew that we were ready to try for children. We now have an 18month old and I do find that there are some of my old friends that don’t really understand if I can’t do something because of childcare etc so I definitely don’t see as much of them but I still make the effort where I can. I’ve made some lovely friends at a similar stage of life as myself though which has been lovely 😊

Do what feels right for you and your partner.

Those starting at 38 will have a lower chance of successfully conceiving. You're doing the right thing.

If you’re thinking of TTC in a few months then you’ll both be around the 30/31 mark when you have a baby, all going well. I don’t think that’s young at all seems very average! Especially if you then want to have a second baby a few years after. Your friends would perhaps be considered more unusual to not start trying for a family until 40ish.

If you are so influenced by what your friends think at the age of 28 perhaps you are not as mature as you think you are. You are 28 not 17 for goodness sake.

Why havent you told them to butt out with their judgemental opinions.

I bet at least a couple of them have kids before the 10 year plan they talk about.

Yes, go for it.

I think you are doing the right thing - you are in a place to TTC. Not everyone is of course at 28 but you are.

I wish I’d had my children younger (I’m an older mum).

The comments about can’t think of anything worse than having children late 30’s are quite insensitive tbh. Worse for me than having children early 40’s shock horror would have been having no children at all and to be honest I don’t feel we are any more tired than mums I know who are early 30’s - if anything I do more than they do in terms of work wise and also socially 🤷🏼‍♀️

but anyway back to you, I don’t think it’s odd you want children at 28, wish I’d that clarity at your age / been in a position to have children a bit younger

I think they are the ones being naive to act like having children at any time other than right at the end of their fertile window is an odd thing to do.

28 is definitely a good age to start a family especially if you are in a good and committed relationship. My husband and I were complete weirdos though according to our friends because we got married when we were both 23 and I've given birth to our first child when I was 24. We are now 30 and got 2 kids. I am still shocked thought that I am the youngest mum in my DS's class though. It was absolutely planned and wanted. Don't look at the numbers. People mature at different times. At the age of 22 I was already sick and tired of parties and meaningless relationships so really wanted a committed partnership. My husband was exactly my soul mate with regards to this. All my current friends are in their late 30's/ early 40' and I finally get that I've simply always been a decade older in my head.

I started at 26. It's quite nice now to be still young and have an empty nest

When I was childless, my thinking about the best time to have a child was all about what was best for me at the time. Once I had children, I saw our relationship from both directions, and realised that the more years I had enjoying a single life were fewer years I had with them, and they with me. Any grandchildren I have will know me in my elderly years only.

I can't regret the years I had doing my own thing - if I changed a thing, I wouldn't have the family I have now. But there are definitely trade offs to be made, and we don't always appreciate the details of the trade at the time.

Had my eldest at 25. Friend had hers at similar age.

Now in our 40s we can go out and have fun and our peers have toddlers and are knackered

Meh.

Nobody is making you feel anything. You're being previous and choosing to take innocuous comments as a personal slight. They are making light hearted comments about their own lives not you.

You're the one making judgemental and patronising remarks about them to validate your own life choices. If you think it's such a brilliant decision that they should be copying you (or else risk never having children according to you) why are you so insecure about it that you're twisting their comments into an attack?

This whole thing only exists as an issue in your own head. Nobody is judging you except yourself.

Are you one of the friends? You sound awfully sure that the OP is an idiot and the friends have never said anything in a negative way.

Um, they're not having serious conversations about firm "plans" , they're making light hearted throwaway comments. They don't even know op's ttc plans so it's not like these are meaningful discussions where both sides share serious plans. They are joking around.

The op has quoted what they actually said and the op has confirmed she has not shared her plans and therefore we also have the context in which the comments were made. The op has also confirmed she engages in mind-reading with her relatives and also takes their innocuous comments personally.

The op has said nothing to support the notion she has been criticised. The op has then made judgemental comments suggesting they will end up childless for making different choices.

I find it curious that you all are so confident your choices to have children in your 20s were so superior yet the only arguments you can offer are based on personal attacks against people who made different choices.

Not very compelling.

Besides which, the opening sentence of the op is a request for genuine opinions not a queue of yes women.

That means opinions from people who disagree and have different perspectives.

I do think that having a child at your age is preferable from fertility and stamina point of view.
Some people sadly start trying too late for various reasons and are then up against fertility problems and their body clock counting.
I had my first child at 30 and last at 37 …it definitely was harder with my youngest ,stamina wise .

I had my first at 28. 38 is old to be having your first imo.

If you want to TTC crack on. But don’t sit there silently judging your friends’ choices, especially if you’re basing everything on what sounds like jokey comments.

Realising you’ve hit the right age for you doesn’t mean having to convince yourself that everyone else is doing it wrong.

If you're in a good place to have a child then go for it. Far better in your 20s. I had my first at 32, DH very slightly older, and when reality hit both really wished we'd started earlier (we could have we'd been together years and years). I also remember a colleague with 4 kids who had had them very young sending her last off to college when she was just 42 and she turned to the young staff and told us we were fools delaying as she was a footloose empty nester with decades of relative youth ahead of her. She was a graduate and our boss - so no career sacrifice either.

She gave examples not every comment they’ve ever made, she hasn’t said they won’t be able to have kids either, you have been very judgemental about the OP yourself, I can’t see why you are so worked up to be honest.

Same. Roll on 50!