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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be made to feel weird for wanting to start a family at 28

88 replies

cardiffgal22 · 29/04/2022 19:01

Looking for genuine opinions! I recently got married and myself and DH are hoping to start TTC in the next few months. I’m 28 and DH is 29. We currently have quite an active social life and love spending time with our friends however most of my close friends are single and in a completely different place to myself. We enjoy the odd drink but all our friends drink a lot and are at the pub or partying every weekend. Any time babies are brought up, they all laugh at the idea and say that they can’t think of anything worse and that they definitely don’t want to have children for another 10 years at least. Which is completely fair enough as everyone does things differently but I’m always made to feel like we’re settling down really early and that its odd and that there’s way more to life than starting a family? I have spent the past 10 years partying but have now had enough and don’t feel like I will be missing out at all by starting a family. I also wonder whether they have considered the possibility that it might be more difficult to TTC at the age of 38, especially if they want more than one! I still feel young but think 28 is definitely a normal age to want to start a family?

OP posts:
Hellocatshome · 29/04/2022 19:05

There is a wide range of "normal" ages to have children. If you are ready you are ready but if you are easily influenced by what your friends think then maybe you aren't ready. Be your own person.

BattenburgDonkey · 29/04/2022 19:07

It’s a totally normal age, starting at 38 would mean a higher chance of things going wrong and also less time to deal with any fertility problems, it might work for them but it isn’t the peak age to have kids. But you are all adults, so be confident doing your own thing.

Cakecakecheese · 29/04/2022 19:09

It's different for everyone. I felt the same as your friends at your age. You're ready now, they're not. No one is right or wrong, you're ready now so go for it. They shouldn't mock your choices though.

Pottedpalm · 29/04/2022 19:10

Nobody can ‘make’
you feel anything. If you want children now then crack on!

Marty13 · 29/04/2022 19:10

I think the average age for a first child in Europe is 30 so you're not far off the average.

Starting a family in your late thirties is taking the risk it won't happen. That's great if they're okay with this. But personally I didn't want to be an older parent. I wanted to be done with diapers by the time I hit my 40s. I wanted to have energy to do things together when they're old enough to enjoy it.

Short answer : there is no right and wrong, you just have to decide what is right for your family. Personally I think having kids at 28 is WAY preferable to having them at 38.

(for what it's worth I had mine at 31 and 33 and considering one last one now I'm 35).

Traumdeuter · 29/04/2022 19:11

If your friends are single then it’s fairly obvious they’ll be in a different place. It’s very common for couples your age to ttc immediately after marriage. If you feel ready then go for it.

zafferana · 29/04/2022 19:13

The first ones of my friends started at about your age OP and it's not especially young - the younger side of normal for people who went to uni and are doing professional jobs sure - but late 20s is a great time to start TTC. I think you may find that you drift away from this friendship group though if you start your family soon and they want to carry on drinking and partying for another 10 years. Of course, some of them are likely to join you in that time, but your life is going to change a lot and theirs isn't and you won't have a lot in common!

UndertheCedartree · 29/04/2022 19:14

28 is probably thought of as reasonably young these days but it doesn't really matter as long as you are both happy with the decision. You might find these friendships fade away a bit as you move on different paths but don't have to end completely. It is not on for them to call you were or anything. I was 21 when I got married and pregnant at 25. Don't regret it atall.

User65412 · 29/04/2022 19:14

I also think if they're single they're more like to say that, even if they do actually want to settle down and have children.
A friend of mine always said it because she hated the sympathy people gave when she said how she yearned for children but was worried about not meeting someone.

23Elfie · 29/04/2022 19:15

I had my DC at 26 and think that was a good age for me. Others might say 36 is better for them but for me 26 was good. When DC is 18 ill be 44 which for me, I'm happy with and wouldn't want to be dealing with a 6 year old at that point in my life I don't think, as your friends are saying they would.
Each to their own x

SJ179 · 29/04/2022 19:17

Normal age imo. We started trying when I was 28 and fell pregnant when I turned 29. 30 now with a one year old and very happy to have had her when I did. Not worried about missing out on going out drinking etc. like you, we both feel like we’d done that for enough years and wasn’t missing out.

But my partner’s family were asking me when we were going to have a baby from my early twenties. Made me feel really weird for waiting until late twenties. Friends made out that late twenties was too early. You can only do what’s right for you. Everyone has different opinions.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/04/2022 19:19

28 seems a normal age to me. I was 22, far too young in the grand scheme although I don't regret my choices.

worraliberty · 29/04/2022 19:20

Which is completely fair enough as everyone does things differently but I’m always made to feel like we’re settling down really early and that its odd and that there’s way more to life than starting a family?

Can you explain how you're 'always made to feel like you're settling down really early and that its odd and that there’s way more to life than starting a family?'

What do they say to you?

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 29/04/2022 19:21

I think 28 is a common age to start considering having a child. Saying that i was not far off that age with 6 children so it would have felt old to me but we're all different. Do what you and your DH want to do and try not to pay any attention to any negativity. You said you've enjoyed partying and the freedom of no children already, I think you should start a family if you feel ready to do so. Starting to consider having babies in your late 30's poses more of a risk and you would be less likely to have multiple children if you are having your first at nearly 40. Pregnant women over 35 are actually said to be having a geriatric pregnancy. Also if people start late and then struggle to conceive they may end up childless which could impact on them significantly. Good luck with whatever you decide op 💐

DontKeepTheFaith · 29/04/2022 19:22

Very normal age to start a family. 10 years later massively increases the risk of fertility issues I believe.

I had mine at 28 and 30. Did not seem young to me at all and I’m so glad I did now I’m late 40’s and dses are heading for university. My career has flourished and I feel like I’ve got time for me.

itsmeagainlol · 29/04/2022 19:23

Its not your friends ages which are the issue, its their relationship status surely? 28/9 is perfect for starting a family

ParkheadParadise · 29/04/2022 19:25

28 is a normal age to start a family.
I have several nieces and nephews in their 20s. Most of them had kids by 25.
At 28 I had a 13-year-old 😀😀

DisappointingAvocado · 29/04/2022 19:26

Had mine at 27 and 29 OP and have zero regrets, it's been perfect. Many of my friends are still nowhere near thinking kids now we're 32, and most of my new mum friends are 8 years older than me but it's not been an issue.

TakeMe2Insanity · 29/04/2022 19:27

28 is a totally reasonable age. Reasons why I’d advise to start ttc at 28 v 10 years later. We started ttc at 28, I didn’t manage to have a child until I was 39. Infertility is a bugger and unfortunately you generally don’t know if you have fertility problems until you start trying. Good luck!

Georgeskitchen · 29/04/2022 19:30

It's not just about declining fertility, which of course is a big issue, it's also about having the stamina to run round after small children which can be pretty exhausting when you are still young, far.more so as you get older!! And of course the bonus of having children young is that when they are grown up and have their own lives, you just might have enough energy left to enjoy some freedom!!

sonicred · 29/04/2022 19:31

It's a normal age to do it however in my friendship group we all did the things (marriage, babies) within similar time frames. I think it would be hard to have young dc when no one else in the friendship group does & likewise have freedom when your dc get older & they all start having babies.

Villagewaspbyke · 29/04/2022 19:33

It would be much too young for me but if it’s not for you, that’s fine. Only thing I would say is that it’s worth getting on the housing ladder before you are hit with childcare costs, but you might already have done that

Original poster
cardiffgal22 · 29/04/2022 19:33

@worraliberty they will just laugh and say stuff like ‘omg can you imagine having a baby right now, I can barely look after myself let alone someone else’ and say that we’re all still way too young and that they don’t understand why people feel the need to rush into starting a family. They are generally just quite dismissive of the idea but we haven’t openly told anyone that we are hoping to TTC soon so I know it isn’t aimed at me specifically! I guess it’s probably because most of them are single although a couple of friends are in long term relationships and have expressed similar views although not as extreme. Just saying that they’re nowhere near ready to start a family. Which made me wonder whether 28 is early these days!

OP posts:
Original poster
cardiffgal22 · 29/04/2022 19:35

@TakeMe2Insanity thank you 😊 that is another consideration of mine re fertility as like you said, you will often not know until you try! So happy that you finally got your baby after all those years 🥰

OP posts:
OfstedOffred · 29/04/2022 19:36

Yanbu. I often wish I'd gone with my gut and started a family earlier at your sort of age.