how much time does your DH spend with DC and what do they do with them

[ImInDebt]

Im really struggling - I don't know if it's me that's expecting too much from DH but I would like him to spend time with the kids. I don't mean just him giving them the tablets and screens whilst he goes on his laptop himself which is what he does when I'm not there. I mean playing with them / hanging out with / going out with them. Im not even asking for every single day or anything but just a couple of times a month or so.

Also how often do they talk to the kids. My husband very very rarely has conversations with them. It's me that talks to them about the world / news / life etc. I feel DH just doesn't teach them about anything. Kids are 9 &11.

When I speak to Dh about my concerns he just says that's not what he does and by asking him to be something else is rejecting who he is or something.

Our Ds is 8 and is absolutely football mad , they play football in the garden most days ( husbands work shifts allowing ) , watch football together. He supervises him getting ready for bed each evening then I go up and read. Tomorrow they are going to Alton towers together just the 2 of them.

My ex did practical stuff...taught them how to swim, ride bikes, played games with them....he was home at 4 every day and he had Saturday morning till 1 to himself ( hobby) while I had 1pm onwards to myself.
He didn't do " emotional " stuff....I did all parents nights at school, sex Ed talks etc.

Does he do anything with them? Do they have any hobbies? When you have conversations about the news etc can you draw DH into these conversations?

We have 50:50 on pretty much everything, so he spends lots of time with them and does stuff. It’s definitely more practical things - toddler loves helping out with household chores like washing the car whereas I’ll do more cuddly parenting if that makes sense.

maybe they need to find a hobby together?

My DH is great with our 8yo. They have Pokemon card battles, play board games. We are members of a tennis club, so he'll often take him down for extra practice. He also takes him to and from other activities, like karate and climbing.

He also does all the reading out lots with him each morning before school. I tend to do the homework sheets!

My son is an only child so we have to play with him or he'd get very lonely. All I'd suggest is for your DH to get on their level and play/do something they want to do.

My DH chats with each of our two 13year old kids for 20-30 minutes every night and has done since they were about 7. That’s the only regular one-on-one time, though we do a lot of family time all together and he will normally be more hands on and interactive with them than I am if we go out for the day. He will also take them out for the day without me a few times a year and he’s been teaching one of them physics and the other poetry in occasional “lessons” on and off for a couple of years.

I’m a bit confused by ‘he doesn’t speak to them.’ Surely at 9 and 11 they speak to him about their lives? So do they say ‘oh daddy at karate today guess what happened’ and he just turns away? Does he never initiate contact with his own two children?

My husband works (as do I) but I’m only part time so I do more with the kids. However, when he’s home he speaks to them, plays with them, takes them to their activities and talks to them in the car about how the activity went. If he just stuck them on iPads and played his laptop every time he was alone with them I’d think he was a rubbish dad to be honest.

My kids are all primary aged. My husband cut his hours to fit around school so that I could take a promotion (with increased hours). So he does all the school runs, makes the tea etc. I do all the bath times and bedtimes. Weekends we split fairly evenly.

FWIW for 6 years, it was not like this! He worked the longer hours, I did pretty much everything at home. He dipped in and out with some wild, winding-up games as he saw fit. I was miserable! It works better for us this way because a) he's not bored of it yet, and b) I don't take the piss evenings and weekends.

We spend equal amounts of time with the DC, both take them out, and both talk to them about stuff.

DH can be guilty of giving the DC too much screen time together if they are at home, but he has much more stamina for days out with them. He regularly takes Wednesday mornings off for childcare reasons with our toddler and they always do something nice together like go to soft play or story time at the library.

Can they not even do something on the laptop together? (DH and DS1 play rollercoaster tycoon)

My daughter is only a few months old so not really comparable (OH spends as much time as he can with her - does bath time, takes her for walks, plays with her - and I love overhearing the little chats that they have when he thinks I’m not listening!) but my OH has nieces the same age as your children. I would say he spends more quality time with them than your husband does with your kids.

I really don’t think you’re expecting too much of them! What you are asking of him is called parenting I don’t see how he can say “it’s just not what I do”

My kids are 12 and 9. Me and their father are no longer together but when they go to his they never get 1-1 time with him according to them. He remarried and there are 3 other children/ teens in his house so it's very much a case of they spend most of their time there on a screen or just playing with each other. They're getting to the point of not wanting to go as they're old enough to realise Dad doesn't give them any attention.

My partner now (we've been together nearly 4 years, he's been in their lives for 3. Lived together for about 2.5 years) shares a love of football with DS (9). He's just signed up to be a coach for DS's team and they go out to play together most evenings and weekends where possible. DD(12) hates football but even she will go out and join in sometimes as he makes it fun.
He has little games that have evolved with them which they love him to play with him. For instance he chases them round the house with an inflatable hammer - sounds ridiculous written down but they have various different rules that have developed over time to this game (which I don't understand! 😂) and they end up in fits of laughter. He also hosts little quizzes with them over breakfast on a weekend which again make no sense to me but they love it.
He'll sit and chat with both of them about school, friends, their interests etc.
He's a great step father to them, his only downside I'd say is that he's a bit of a wind up and sometimes they have to tell him to shut up! 😂

In all honesty, your DH sounds lazy

He does all this every day. I work slightly fewer hours so have a bit more physical time with the dc but in general we have a really equal partnership. He gets the dc (8 & 9) ready every morning & we share activities, homework, bedtimes pretty much 50/50.

He’s really active so does lots of physical stuff with them - park trips, bike rides, games in the garden etc but will engage with them at their level & follow their interests.

He is a great bloke but he’s not some paragon. These are the basics of being a decent parent imo.

With our DD6 now I'm full time I'd say we do 50/50 if not him doing a little more, he does most of the school runs as he wfh all week where I'm blended and does the swimming Sat am etc. Last weekend I was away with friends and they had lots of fun out and about together.
I'd say your situation is absolutely not normal and not acceptable for you or your kids.

He does as much as I do really. He does majority of pick ups and drop offs from school as I have a longer commute to and from work. He takes them to their different sports clubs/games. He'll take them up the field and kick a ball around, take them swimming etc. We do a lot of stuff as a family as well though on weekends. He does sometimes just let them sit on their screens/tablets when he wants to chill a bit as do I.
Does your husband take them out to the park and play with them? Teach them things? (i'm thinking how to ride a bike etc). It depends how old they are really but when mine were smaller my DH would play their games with them.

Did his Dad do stuff with him when he was little? If he is as you say he is he sounds very disengaged from them. I'd be asking him what he thinks a Father is and how he thinks his kids see him. What will his legacy be to them?

When he's home, my DH does 50%. That includes playing, homework, reading (both to them and listening to theirs), bathing (they still need help detangling hair), chatting, discipline etc. We each have our strengths/dislikes, so there are some things he or I do the bulk of, but we both do a bit of everything. Eg I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than watch yet another talent show or play role-playing games with them (I do occasionally though for DCs' sake), but DH is happy to do this. He is naturally good at being a 'silly kid' with them, whereas I wasn't like that even as a child, so I leave that bit to him. He's done the lion's share of learning to ride a bike, but I've taught swimming. I'm better at, and enjoy, doing things like home science experiments, Lego building, reading, day trips, baking and listening to worries. I tend to do all DC admin, as I'm around more and you need just one person overseeing that IMO so things don't get lost between you, but he will happily do any jobs I pass along eg book and take DC for an eye test.

Your DH sounds crap OP. I can understand him avoiding certain aspects (although unless those are your forte, he should be doing a portion of that too!), and the amount he does should be proportional to how much time at home he has compared to you. Even if I strongly disagree with it, I can even understand men who aren't particularly involved during the 'boring' baby years. However, your DCs are a fun and interesting age now, and doing nothing is lazy and a complete cop-out. Have you pointed out to him that his relationship with them is/will be non-existent unless he puts in time with them? I used to see this with some of the older men I worked with: they would ridicule the younger blokes with small children who got stuck in at home with childcare, whilst also moaning how their now-adult DCs never bothered with them. I once pointed out the connection... (It didn't go down well!)

They love football and DH rarely talks to them about football. When DH watches football he won't even invite them to watch together. Sometimes they will just tag along and watch but it's in almost silence and they barely even talk about the match.

To the pp asking if he even talks at all to them- it's kind of hard to explain. He will talk in the sense of telling them to do things / telling them off eg put your clothes away / clear up etc. But as far as starting random conversations he rarely does it. When he interacts with the kids I always notice it as it happens so rarely. So he won't goof around with the kids / chase them around / silly play etc. He won't tell them stories of things that happened to him that day or whatever is going on.

A pp suggested bringing him into the conversation and I do that alot but it's so tiresome and his input to the convo is so minimal. I am getting fed up. It's like me making an effort all the time with the kids and I have to work on him as well.

Dinner times involves him sitting there eating whilst me and the kids just chat away, almost like he's not even there

He hardly talks to me too. He's very withdrawn. He's always been a bit quiet but it's got worse over the years and esp with me not involving him at every moment, he doesn't bother. I sometimes think something isn't right with him without sounding horrible.

I feel so sad for my children more than anything.

My DH and are are pretty much 50:50 with the DC, I can't understand how your DH doesn't want to chat and get to know his little people and spend time with them, that's really sad. And if he doesn't ever really talk to you either he sounds like a real dead weight in terms of your family. Was he always like this - what are his redeeming qualities that made you marry and have children with him?

The "boring" stuff like homework / listening to them read / discipline is all done by me. I plan all days out together. They go to swimming which i take them to and DH takes them to football club but begrudgingly and lots of times I end up taking them as DH becomes moody with the kids as he doesn't want to do it.

Lockdown was absolutely horrific for me. DH would lock himself away in the bedroom working whilst I homeschooled whilst working myself too. I was climbing the walls and was incredibly stressed and it was only on here when I saw.how so many couples shared the homeschooling load that i realised how crap I had it. When I asked for help then his reply was if you can't do it then leave it.

That honestly sounds rubbish. It’s hard enough having a partner who is refusing to communicate with you but it must be really upsetting to have a dad who is totally uninterested in his own children.

Also being ‘moody’ with the kids because he doesn’t want to take them to an activity is really nasty to them and to you.

Dh was always home for a family dinner every night, that is when the conversations start. Why can't you ask your Dh how his day was? What he did today? We have always taken turns talking about our day at dinner. Mine as a SAHM was always things like I had a meeting with some laundry and had to persuade it to go into the washing machine mainly because Dh would say I had a meeting about X, Y, Z.

Dh spent time one on one with the children, whether it was going to the shops or doing a tip run he took one child with him. We watched tv shows with the children even though we didn't particularly love what they were watching at times but it is an in to talking to them about something they are passionate about.

As your husband watches football then you should try to open a conversation with him and the children about the match.

My sons are now 19 and 16, last night the 16 year old spent 20 minutes in the kitchen chatting to Dh whilst he prepared dinner. The eldest is at uni. As a long term SAHM it has always been important to build their relationship with their Dad but he has been hands on since they were born, told them about his day when they were just days old.

My DH does more of the day to day stuff as I work long hours out of the house and he works 4 days a week from home. We also take it in turns to take them both out for a half/whole day at the weekends so the other gets some child-free time. But what other people do isn't really relevant - if he doesn't want to spend time with them he won't be persuaded by telling him stories of other Dads. He sounds like a rubbish Dad and I wouldn't want to stay married to someone like that.

DH takes them to football club but begrudgingly and lots of times I end up taking them as DH becomes moody with the kids as he doesn't want to do it

Right so he gets to opt out because you will do it, do you ever get to opt out? He takes them, every time. You do everything else. Dh helped with homework just so he could feel involved, we would take one child each. Divide and conquer. Your Dh sounds like he is distancing himself, you need to pull him back in.

DH never shuts up tbh and the kids are a far more receptive audience than me 😅if you took the kids out of the equation and it was just you two for a week would he happily sit in silence for hours at a time? That's a bit unnerving tbh.