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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

how much time does your DH spend with DC and what do they do with them

76 replies

ImInDebt · 29/04/2022 06:27

Im really struggling - I don't know if it's me that's expecting too much from DH but I would like him to spend time with the kids. I don't mean just him giving them the tablets and screens whilst he goes on his laptop himself which is what he does when I'm not there. I mean playing with them / hanging out with / going out with them. Im not even asking for every single day or anything but just a couple of times a month or so.

Also how often do they talk to the kids. My husband very very rarely has conversations with them. It's me that talks to them about the world / news / life etc. I feel DH just doesn't teach them about anything. Kids are 9 &11.

When I speak to Dh about my concerns he just says that's not what he does and by asking him to be something else is rejecting who he is or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImInDebt · 29/04/2022 07:43

TabithaHazel · 29/04/2022 07:33

My DH and are are pretty much 50:50 with the DC, I can't understand how your DH doesn't want to chat and get to know his little people and spend time with them, that's really sad. And if he doesn't ever really talk to you either he sounds like a real dead weight in terms of your family. Was he always like this - what are his redeeming qualities that made you marry and have children with him?

I married fairly young and very quickly. I have very very low self esteem and not had the best childhood so my boundaries and the level of crap I take off people are a bit messed up. It's been a very very slow process over many many years to even realise this. I know I am to blame for the situation I am in.

OP posts:
Original poster
ImInDebt · 29/04/2022 07:50

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 29/04/2022 07:42

DH takes them to football club but begrudgingly and lots of times I end up taking them as DH becomes moody with the kids as he doesn't want to do it

Right so he gets to opt out because you will do it, do you ever get to opt out? He takes them, every time. You do everything else. Dh helped with homework just so he could feel involved, we would take one child each. Divide and conquer. Your Dh sounds like he is distancing himself, you need to pull him back in.

That's the problem - I'm absolutely tired of pulling him in for years with such little in return. I shouldn't have to do that. I've stopped doing it and things have got even worse..

OP posts:
WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 29/04/2022 07:58

I work part time so I’ve most of the grunt work with the kids. However, DP still talks to them, plays computer games, takes them on bike rides etc. He’s always teaching them about things, he’s an engineer so knows about lots of things I have no clue about. If I go away he takes them on days out.

pumpkinpie01 · 29/04/2022 08:07

What's his own father like op ?

meow1989 · 29/04/2022 08:12

Ds is nearly 4 and its always been pretty evenly split. Dh works full time to my 3 (soon to be 4) days a week so obviously there's a bit of difference there. Dh loves going toget ds from nursery if there's time and he will do bath, stories, bed in the evenings (or we do together). He is a teacher so has ds when I working in the holidays and takes him out for the day. On weekens we tend to do family things but if eg I want a couple of hours to tidy he will take ds to do something (and vice versa). They have good chats and play games... I wouldn't expect any less

MajorCarolDanvers · 29/04/2022 08:14

My DH spends the same time with the kids as I do and does the same things as I do as we are both parenting them together.

EsmeeMerlin · 29/04/2022 08:17

Both our boys share a lot of interests with DH so they do a lot together when dh is home. They play board games, Pokémon cards, video games, DH has just taught eldest dungeons and dragons. They will go out together too so this morning Dh is off work so he is taking ds1 to school and then taking ds2 to our local sea life centre which we have annual passes to.

Your DH sounds like an awful dad and I feel very sorry for your children. If things don't change I would look to seperate. I wouldn't want to risk my children resenting me because I stayed with a man who clearly didn't want to be their dad.

FrecklesMalone · 29/04/2022 08:18

Honestly I would sit him down and tell him I was going to leave him and exactly why. It must be horrible for your children to be around him everyday, and you too. Life is short. Childhood is shorter

SallyWD · 29/04/2022 08:19

My DH works very long hours so I definitely spend more time with the children and talk to them more. However DH does spend time with them. In the evenings he'll try and engage with them. He'll often play table football with them or go in to the garden and play football or badminton. At weekends we tend to do stuff as a family so we all go out for a walk or something

forlornlorna1 · 29/04/2022 08:20

My dh is a quiet man. He's doesn't like socialising , he's not big on conversation really. He's one of those people who doesn't understand chit chat. But he does interact with our children. He's a big football fan and our eldest started showing an interest at a young age. They go to lots of matches together and I love hearing them when there's a match on tv. Our young child ASD and he will sit with them and listen as they tell him all about their latest special interest and tries to be as involved as possible. Hes taught them to read, ride bikes, swim etc. he's got a lot of patience. They adore him.

Sounds like your kids dad just doesn't want to engage at all

arethereanyleftatall · 29/04/2022 08:20

Can you, logistically, leave him op?
He's not making your life happier or easier.
He's not making your childrens lives happier or easier.

cestlavielife · 29/04/2022 08:20

You are not to blame
But
You can take action now
See a therapist
Talk it through
Look at options for separation
Don't stay with a black cloud

Hugasauras · 29/04/2022 08:20

DH does a lot of the physical play stuff, and a lot of the 'teaching' style things like bike riding, as he's far more patient than I am! They were out with water pistols in the garden yesterday. I do more of the reading and art stuff with DD(3). I don't mind the physical stuff generally but am 7 months pg so can't lift/play on the floor with her like he can. He does every bathtime and three/four bedtimes a week.

He's also good at explaining stuff in a child-friendly manner. This morning they had a chat about space and why planets go round the sun.

SallyWD · 29/04/2022 08:21

I pressed send too soon. We also play family boardgames etc. Our children are also 11 and 9. The issue we have is trying to get the children to engage with DH (and me). The 11 year old spends a lot of time in her room and the 9 year old wants to play Roblox all the time. Often DH will try to get them to do something with him and they'll just refuse.

Rinatinabina · 29/04/2022 08:22

DH is basically primary parent when he’s at home, DD is 2 but takes her out, talks to her all the time (they have in jokes) on weekends he gets up with her sorts breakfast lunch etc (this does mean theres a lot of cake 🙄). Sorts appointments for her, does nursery drop off, erm goes clothes shopping etc. We do bath bedtime routine everyday together because she likes it. just normal stuff really. They have a lovely little relationship.

what strikes me is him saying that asking him to engage with his own children is rejecting him for who he is. Who I am is someone who wants to be left alone with a book. However I chose to have a kid so I need to be present for my child.

Firelogbridge · 29/04/2022 08:27

We have one DD10, and admittedly I do more things with her, visiting my family, arranging days out, taking to clubs, facilitating friends over etc. she does finish early from school one day a week and he picks her up, takes her for lunch and then they usually go shopping/ cinema etc. They will also do a Lego set together or play Nintendo but that's where the shared interests end!

Littlepixie85 · 29/04/2022 08:31

We are 50:50 as much as possible. My kids are still pre school, we both work part time so I have Mon/Tues with them, and DH has Friday with them. Money is tight but it's not forever. He takes them on days out, the park, plays jigsaws, Lego, football, tennis - all sorts with them. We take it in turns to do bedtime and morning time. It should be a partnership.

RewildingAmbridge · 29/04/2022 09:04

Same amount of time at me, same kind of things as me, although he's also recently got a seat for his bicycle for DS so they also go off on adventures on that. Also going to the library once a fortnight is their thing. I take him to swimming lessons now because of a change of days when he moved up a class but DH took him for 18 months and that was when patent was needed in the water, I took him for the first year during mat leave. I'm not sure why the expectations should be any less because someone has a penis.

MyCommentWasDeleted · 29/04/2022 09:11

Is your husband autistic?

RubaDubMum89 · 29/04/2022 09:12

DH probably does more with DD(5) than I do! We split homework, bathtime, bedtime and story 50:50, so he does a day then I do a day. We all hang out together after school and in the evenings, playing or watching telly or talking about her day.
She helps me in the garden and in turn helps DH with his DIY jobs at home - he has far more patience than me.
We go on days out as a family, but he takes her all over the place alone too, at least twice a month they'll go off somewhere together. He takes her on weekend holidays a couple of times a year alone too.

Without being patronising, I think it's really sad that your DH is seemingly uninterested in his children. He's damaging his relationship with them in the future too, as they're at the age now that they'll remember their dad wasn't bothered... Why did he bother having children if he didn't want anything to do with them?

EllaPaella · 29/04/2022 09:13

OP you and your children deserve so much more than this emotionally cold man. Your poor kids.

Haveatakeaway · 29/04/2022 09:24

I'd be wrung out without my dh. He's does all the school and nursery drop offs and pick ups, we have three dc and he takes them to the park a minimum of three times a week. Takes our eldest son that has asd out on his own once a month to the comic book shop, art shop or the cinema if there's a film he wants to see. Takes them fishing and swimming. all dc hospital.appointments. Reads to our youngest boys, makes them all laugh everyday, watches both women's and men's rugby and football with them, and I love how he speaks about how talented the women are and the unfairness in pay gaps. He's very aware that we're raising three boys and is always available to have age appropriate conversations with them about anything.
It's a huge contrast to his own childhood. His dad left when he was 18months old and was abusive to his mum. he has one full sibling, 2 half siblings and one "secret" sister. Contact has been sporadic throughout his life and there's been years of no contact that affected him badly as a teen. He really has broken the chain. His elder brother did the same as their dad.
that said he can't cook for shit 😂👩‍🍳

Triffid1 · 29/04/2022 09:38

I think this is very sad because it means that he's not interested in developing a relationship with them. I love having slightly older children because they just have such interesting and lovely little personalities (before the dreaded teen years kick in). I'm not naturally good with children so it's been nice as they grow to realise that I can develop and learn how to interact with them too.

For the record, DH spends loads of time with the kids. He watches tv and sport with them, plays board games inside and football and other games outside, reads with DD, takes them to activities and chats away about stuff all the time - I'm always having to tell them to get moving and do stuff instead of hanging out and chatting. They play lots of silly ridiculous games and he has a bad habit of falling asleep cuddling them or making them have to rush for school because he's been cuddling them awake!

I love grabbing his phone to look through his photo roll as there are always 100 photos and videos of him and the kids being silly together.

NewandNotImproved · 29/04/2022 09:43

What a terrible man, would you and your kids not prefer to be happy? Have they spoken yet about how it feels to have a parent who openly doesn’t give a shit about them? Had therapy?

PussInBin20 · 29/04/2022 09:43

Did he want children? I think you should point out to him childhood is short and when they are adults, it’s fairly likely they won’t bother with him.

This is how I feel towards my DF who didn’t make any effort with me as a child and I am very low contact now.