how much time does your DH spend with DC and what do they do with them

[ImInDebt]

Im really struggling - I don't know if it's me that's expecting too much from DH but I would like him to spend time with the kids. I don't mean just him giving them the tablets and screens whilst he goes on his laptop himself which is what he does when I'm not there. I mean playing with them / hanging out with / going out with them. Im not even asking for every single day or anything but just a couple of times a month or so.

Also how often do they talk to the kids. My husband very very rarely has conversations with them. It's me that talks to them about the world / news / life etc. I feel DH just doesn't teach them about anything. Kids are 9 &11.

When I speak to Dh about my concerns he just says that's not what he does and by asking him to be something else is rejecting who he is or something.

You’d be happier without him.

Dh and Ds 6yo are just inseparable. I love their relationship. Dh works a long day and when he gets home, the first thing is to go find ds and ask about his day. Dh helps him with homework, they share a love of football and ds thinks the world of his dad. I overheard them chatting the other day. Ds is a shy and reserved child, he was asking dh how to be confident. Dh giving him techniques and then they were role playing and practicing. Just warms my heart to know that ds has that relationship with his dad, that he can talk to him about anything! Ds and I are extremely close as well and I'm glad he feels secure with both of us. Sit your dh down and explain to him that he is going to lose the future relationship with his dc if he carries on this way.

Good question. My dh didn't have a good relationship. Not bad but his dad is emotionally absent. They speak like acquaintances. Dh was determined to be the opposite.

Me and my DS's dad are no longer together, but when we were together, it was abysmal really;

• He never did night feeds, or any real care stuff like feeding/nappy changes. He would interact a little bit but onus was on me.
• Toddler age he didn't really get involved, nights were all on me, as was feeding/changing etc. He would sometimes take DS to nursery but again, was mainly on me (including time off for illnesses).
• Lockdown was better - he interacted a bit more but was really only sitting with DS when he watched TV, no crafts or activities beyond taking him for walks every so often
• Dropped DS off at childcare/picked up each day as childcare was 10 miles away and I didn't drive at the time
• Would sit with DS watching TV or encourage him to play video games, but would never get involved with crafts, baking, activities or playing with toys. Would usually sit on his phone when DS was doing something.
• Would take him for walks occasionally
• Would refuse to do things like zoo, beaches, swimming etc as a family and say we need "chill time" and then sit with his phone all day
• Only really interested in things that DS likes that are things he likes, like video games or Lego, disinterested in encouraging the other things he likes such as crafts, colouring, reading etc

In the 7 months since we split, he never took him anywhere or did anything like zoo, soft play, beaches etc. Then he introduced his girlfriend who has two kids and he is Dad of the Year - he's taking him swimming this weekend with her, when he always refused to come/take us when we were together, and never taken him solo when we initially split.

It's hard, but at the same time I'm glad DS is finally doing things with ex DP rather than just sitting on an iPad all day (would regularly just sit him in front of it) or TV. Even if he never did them when we were together!

DH spends exactly the same amount of time parenting our children as I do. That includes the grunt work, and also chatting, playing etc. He loves spending time with them.
What are you getting out of your relationship? It sounds like your life would be easier and happier if you split.

We have DD 9. DH collects her from school half the week and they always have a good chat. He does all sorts of things with her. When she was a baby he used to do her swimming lesson with her. Surely you both wanted kids so I don't understand why he doesn't do things with them.

My partner is like this with our 20 month daughter. He isnt a 'chatty' person but he's got worse since DD. He will park himself on the sofa and sit on his phone until DD takes him a book, sometimes he wont even read it to her, she'll just sit on his lap looking at the pictures. He incredibly rarely gets on the floor with her, gets any games going with duplo etc, wouldnt get painting out because he can't be bothered to clean up after. Hes taken her to the park maybe twice in her life on Saturday mornings which are meant to be my time off. He never has ideas or suggests going anywhere. He's basically too lazy/apathetic to bother, which is what your DH sounds like too. Happy to put it all on the mother to give the kids a fulfilling childhood with a parent that is interested in them. I am leaving my partner for multiple reasons but one is that I can see exactly what he's going to be like as DD ages and I'd rather do it on my own than have her childhood marred by resentment at his laziness and lack of care.

Well I work part time and dh works full time. So I'm around a lot more. He's step dad to eldest and dad to youngest.

He takes them both to football, matches/training several times a week, walks eldest to scouts, he chats to them at the dinner table most evenings. He does spellings/reading book with youngest but does have to be reminded. He puts youngest to bed most of the time.

He doesn't really play with them much, apart from the occasional kick about at the park. Neither of us are great at playing with the dc to be honest. But we do do a fair bit together at weekends where we all chat and go out together. He taught them both to ride their bikes.

He's not as involved as some dads I know he doesn't do any school runs for example but that's because of our jobs but he's always pulled his weight, I do feel a lot of the time as though I'm the one in charge, but I have no doubt that if I had to go away for a week he'd be perfectly fine and they wouldn't be ignored/neglected.

My husband is fully engaged with the children, always has been. Fed them, changed nappies, bathed and played with them, took out for pram walks, got up in the night. We always tag teamed everything.

As they got older he’s continuing to be that way, he takes them out, sort their meals, sorts homework, emotionally supports and encourages them, takes them on days out. He’s taken them on European city breaks without me.

This is unusual in our friendship circle. I have his wonderful mother to thank for that. She did a great job of raising a great man.

My ex took them out on Saturdays from when they were babies. They did child centred stuff like swimming as well as practical stuff like doing the good shop. I'd say that "B&Q" was the tenth or so word that dc3 used. (Sounded more like "B in q" but made us laugh. ) I used to clean and lie in. On Sundays we went out as a family.

He never really sat down and played with them but enjoyed being active with them eg bike rides

Ehh lots because he is a parent too! They have one weekday on their own together when I’m at work, they have a little routine where they usually play in the morning, have soup for lunch, go out on a bike/scooter ride in the afternoon (usually past the corner shop for sweets/a magazine) and then come back and watch tv.

DH does most of the more physical play, so wrestling, throwing around, chasing outside. I do more of the sitting on the floor playing dolls and role playing. He’s usually around on the weekend but often works evenings. When he’s home in the evening he often does bedtime and stories.

I do plan all the days out but DH is a happy, willing participant

As much as possible (!) He's always taken them to sporty activities & when younger would actively play with them / take to the park / dog walks / swimming / bike rides - he's more of an "active" type as likes to get out and about when not chained to the desk.
I'm also rubbish at playing imaginary games so can't criticise on that score! But we both try (I hate it as have no idea what's meant to be going on but We'll have a bash & he's better at it than me) he also still reads with / to youngest when he can & supervises homework etc if not working too late. He will also make food if I'm out / busy with one of DC.

This is a busy family & we have no GP to help out or childcare help now, so if there wasn't a team tag approach none of this would work. Having said that I know he does a lot more than some of my friends DHs so I'm appreciative, but I still think it should be his pleasure to interact with & care for the people he helped bring into the world.

I have noticed that DH doesn't do much when I'm around but dose better when he's alone with the kids.

Currently DH spends about an hour 1:1 with eldest (5) while I do bedtime with youngest. At the minute they seem to be re-painting some of DS's more gaudy plastic dinosaurs, the activity changes but there's usually something on the go. About 50% of the time it will be screen time, but usually something like a game they can play together.

He only has the youngest (2) a couple of times a week while I take the oldest to his clubs. Mostly they seem to either go in the garden or watch TV, which dose involve minimum input from him, but it's hard to keep a toddler focused on mutch anyway.

He doesn't tend to take them out alone unless I tell him to (eg. If I want to tidy the house without them in the way), but we go out all together most weekends. Usually one of us will end up following each child, so he'll be doing stuff with whichever one he has (we swap throughout the day).

My ex still talks to the kids most when he's driving or eating meals with them. He lives an hour away and teen ds says that they have good chats during the drive. He's 15 so often quite resistant to chatting usually but in a car, he has to

DH takes son to karate and collects, cricket training and stays and watches and we both watch cricket matches lasting up to 6 1/2 hours.

We're 50:50 on everything, even though I work part-time. DD is 8, and as she's an only child, we're both aware that we are her company when she's at home. He spends weekend mornings with her doing all sorts (crafting, Lego, trips out, swimming etc) while I have time to do my hobbies. And he makes sure to be home for dinner and bedtime (even if it means he needs to work later in the evening).

DH has three brothers and they're all the same - PIL did an excellent job raising them. My own father was emotionally absent growing up, and I had such awful self-esteem around men for years because of this.

I married fairly young and very quickly. I have very very low self esteem and not had the best childhood so my boundaries and the level of crap I take off people are a bit messed up. It's been a very very slow process over many many years to even realise this. I know I am to blame for the situation I am in.

Sorry to hear you didn't have the best childhood, don't let your children suffer the same - they will be aware of their father's utter disinterest in them and that will be so detrimental to their self esteem. It's your chance to break the cycle and give them the childhood you didn't have x

My DH started doing the school run because he felt he wasn't talking to our DC enough. We also split taking DC to any hobbies so he has that time with them too.
DH isn't sporty so he's never been the type to take DC out to play or watch sports. But he will watch DC playing games,etc, and let them chat for ages about Minecraft or Fortnite. He even learnt how to play Minecraft so they could all build a world together. He's a complete Luddite so that was real dedication
As a family, we have regular board game days and movie nights together.

I don't know but I do sometimes think something isn't quite right. I don't know why he is like this. Does he just like being on his own. He spend most of his time on the computer watching crap.

This thread is just so depressing.

80/20.
dh spends way more time with ours, he is a far better parent than I am.
he does all the hobbies, weekdays and every weekend, he does school runs, football in the garden most evenings.
I sit right back and don’t do much.
up until recently I’ve worked 50-60 hours a week, dh wFH pt hours.
but tbh he has always been very very hands on with our kids.

We have an 8yo and a 3yo. DH works from home so will have breakfast with the kids every morning and on the 3 days I WOH he takes them to school and nursery. He takes the eldest to her swimming lesson every Sunday. He also supervises her music practice most evenings, as he plays the same instrument so he's in a better position to help. I tend to do reading and spellings so it balances out. Weekends we are mostly all together, but DH will quite often take the kids to the park or for a walk on his own. He loves chatting to them and doing things with them, if anything he's probably more of a 'natural' parent than I am.

When I speak to Dh about my concerns he just says that's not what he does and by asking him to be something else is rejecting who he is or something.

This is bollocks I'm afraid. As I said, parenting doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to my DH but I'm a good Mum because i work at it. Your DH needs to make an effort.

Is he just a non-social person? Does he have friends he chats to? Or colleagues? Or is he the kind of person to just stand there at a social event unless you lead?

My ex is anti-social and spends all his free time playing stupid computer games. It pisses me off. He rarely takes our DC anywhere at all, and he hardly ever plays games with them. Even his occasional chats are awkward and more about him presenting a version of himself, like he’s acting ‘good dad’. He has a suspected personality disorder, and I think he doesn’t really see other people as important in their own right, only in relation to him, if that makes sense?

it sounds like you’re doing everything. Personally I wouldn’t make any effort to include him. Just carry on chatting with your DC. Have they commented on the way he is?

We tend to do stuff as a family mostly but if I'm busy in house dh will play a game/read etc with dc ( they have set device times) if they go out together it's usually a park or trampoling or golf.

@BreatheAndFocus your ex does sound similar. Which personality disorder are you looking at? I feel like there is something not quite right.

My husband was out by 6 but back til 8 so not much during the week (he lived story time though so would do that if back in time). On Saturday he'd go to the gym at 7, come back and take the kids back there for couple hours. Sundays we might go out or have a Sunday lunch with my parents so we'd all be together, occasionally trips to the park.
He had older boys and he'd talk football, help them with school stuff and ferry them to matches etc (they lived with us).
Just being there is important - parents don't have to always be actively engaged. He should take an interest though - and do you have sit down dinners where you talk to each other?