AIBU - to just be sick of men

[mamabear449]

Long story short I split from my abusive ex almost 2 years ago. I've been seeing someone new who's a lot older than me for a year now. He's very kind, loving and when he's at his best makes me feel amazing. I suffer from chronically low self worth and have a tendency to ignore the shit things people do to me and focus on the good as I have a fear of being abandoned.

Going through therapy at the moment and I'm starting to see my partner now in a way I haven't before and I've just had enough.

He's friends with loads of women from work. Likes girls photos online including 20 Yr old friends of his daughter (He's 50). He constantly shuts down messages on his phone when I enter a room or turn over in bed. Lately he's started spending loads of time out drinking with a 20yr old boy. He frequently doesn't have time to see me and my daughter or stay at my house for long then goes home and is either on his xbox or online messaging god knows who.

I've never raised any of this as an issue as such with him because frankly I can't be bothered with it all.

Aibu to think most men aren't worth bothering with these days and I'm better off alone?

The problem is that you get what you think you deserve. If you aspire to a better man and know that you deserve his love and attention, then he may well come along.
There are many, many wonderful men out there, but if you settle for a shit, then a shit is what you will get.

YABU. The issue isn't men, it's this: I suffer from chronically low self worth and have a tendency to ignore the shit things people do to me and focus on the good as I have a fear of being abandoned.

You need to end this relationship and spend time getting therapy to deal with the above.

This will ensure you make good choices about relationships in the future and have confidence to pursue what you want.

I'm sorry about the relationships you've had so far 💐

The onus is on you OP, to get therapy and deal with your issues. You can't forever be expecting men to make you feel good about yourself. It has to come within, and until then, you're going to attract undesirable men.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is true.
I wish you well x

You will be better off alone than with ti's man or any man who treats you poorly. But that's not every man. And no man or relationship is perfect either, so you have to work out where you're tolerances are and work with your therapy to get th in the right place.

Get rid. You'll be happier on your own.

The problem with low self worth is that you seek validation from relationships with others, but also have a low bar when it comes to allowing how they treat you.

He sounds like he's no good. Get rid and work on looking after yourself.

You would be better off without him.
Concentrate on being good on your own before you try dating again. A relationship should better your life, not have you questioning yourself.

Plenty of decent men out there. Dump him, continue working on yourself, and learn how to be okay without a man in your life for a while.

You need to go back to being single and learn to love it. Once you're truly happy single you take a lot less shit in a relationship as you know you can walk away anytime.

YANBU, at all.

The only thing I’d change in your last sentence is from men ”these days” to men since dawn of times.
Men have always been horrible.
And hated women, how could anyone possible have a relationship with something like that?

The current problem is the man you’re dating: ditch him asap.

”Be truly happy with yourself and you’ll find a good man” is nonsense.
I’ve been truly happy with myself for years now, the ’problem’ with that is that you really see how bad men truly are.
Personally, never met a man I would call a good/decent man.
Anyone who know multiple good men must have low standards.
It’s a rare extinct breed (if they ever existed in the first place).

This sounds like a sign of good therapy, actually. You’re clearly ‘doing the work’ as they say.

I think it’s helpful to retain specificity on stuff like this. Your therapeutic process has driven a set of realisations around this man, and you’re totally within your rights to finish things with him if you’re starting to see things in the relationship that you’re not happy with.

And stick with the therapy, it’s clearly helping.

I love men. I've encountered shit ones, but I don't put up with them.

Thank you everyone. I know you're all right and it's time for me to actually really be alone and start to do things to look after myself.

This man has just come along at a time where I was almost done with relationships altogether, he's picked me up and tried to convince me that he's different, blah blah blah.

Literally every man ive been with has used his mobile/social media to fawn over other women, cheat or just generally degrade me. I mean I can't blame them, we' re great 😁 but still.......

The problem isn’t men in general. The problem is the man you’re currently in a relationship with. Sorry, did I say man? I meant man-child. He sounds like he’s having a mid-life crisis. Going out with a 20 year old boy as a 50 year old man? To do what exactly? Get rid of him. Just because you have low self-worth doesn’t mean that you deserve to be treated like shit. Do it for yourself but do it for your daughter too. You both deserve better.

This.
There are not "loads" of great men out there. There are a handful at best. And any man telling you he's better than those other blokes is a red flag in itself IME. Another one to watch our for is "you're not like other girls" just fuck off! Misogyny 101 right there.

That’s really sad that you don’t know a single decent man.

Absolutely this in a nutshell. You have only now noticed this because of therapy. Alot of women would have given him a swerve almost immediately. If you know your worth and have good boundaries, you will find good men.

That is complete nonsense, the majority of men are good (as are the majority of women).

I consider my friends, husband, dad and wider circle of men to be good people and certainly don't have low standards.

Anyone who know multiple good men must have low standards.

What a load of absolute rubbish! There are many, many, good decent men out there. Many of us have high standards and yet still find good men. I take it the people who find all men shits also think that women are saints who can do no wrong.

OP I was like this. I've started have short term flings with men in their late 30s / early 40s. They seem a lot more decent, well mannered and treat me as an equal than men over 45 do. It must be a generational thing.

It's done wonders for my self esteem. I don't want a man to live with me again though, especially not an old, fat, bald moaner. But I'm 43 and don't want any more kids, I can also provide for myself financially. I see no reason for me to live with an old, fat, bald moaner. Men are for good company and good sex now, that's it. Men above 45 rarely seem to be able to provide these things.

Well don't worry because in 2 years time you too can be old at 45, as for labelling most men over 45, old fat, bald moaners speaks volumes about you more than it does them, get a grip.

Well don't worry because in 2 years time you too can be old at 45, as for labelling most men over 45, old fat, bald moaners speaks volumes about you more than it does them, get a grip.

I look after myself physically and emotionally. I'm not going to be an old, fat, bald moaner.

What’s sad is how few/if any good men there are.
That’s what sad.

There are. as many posters have pointed out, many good men out there. The issue is that where the bar is for a man to qualify as "good" is quite low, really. They just don't - as a rule - meet the overall standards women do.