AIBU - to just be sick of men

[mamabear449]

Long story short I split from my abusive ex almost 2 years ago. I've been seeing someone new who's a lot older than me for a year now. He's very kind, loving and when he's at his best makes me feel amazing. I suffer from chronically low self worth and have a tendency to ignore the shit things people do to me and focus on the good as I have a fear of being abandoned.

Going through therapy at the moment and I'm starting to see my partner now in a way I haven't before and I've just had enough.

He's friends with loads of women from work. Likes girls photos online including 20 Yr old friends of his daughter (He's 50). He constantly shuts down messages on his phone when I enter a room or turn over in bed. Lately he's started spending loads of time out drinking with a 20yr old boy. He frequently doesn't have time to see me and my daughter or stay at my house for long then goes home and is either on his xbox or online messaging god knows who.

I've never raised any of this as an issue as such with him because frankly I can't be bothered with it all.

Aibu to think most men aren't worth bothering with these days and I'm better off alone?

Not stuck on anything, just realist.

And also…… ”a few bad”
How dare you?
You must be a man, or really sad woman.

to shut him up

Interesting phrase to use. So I need to be"shut up" because I'm not behaving like a good wife?

It is sad but true that decent men are in the minority. Women are sold a lie that any relationship is better than no relationship, and put up with some truly appalling behaviours. I think men do take advantage and will set their standards to our minimum bar.

It took me a while to find a good man, so they are out there, just very rare.

As if men don't label women

Who do you think came up with the infamous 'women are more likely to be a victim of terror then find a man to marry after 40'?

This is not about you or your husband, unless he is one of the men Mug describes as being old, fat and moaning and trying to get with 20 year old girls.

I've (47) come to the conclusion that we do have to compromise our standards (she says, having been with the same man for longer than I was single). He's great, I love him, and he probably loves me more. But he's not perfect. He does things many other women just wouldn't tolerate but I do because I know him and I'm very laid back, not always to my own advantage. He doesn't cheat, he doesn't lie. There are some things I don't like and he knows it, and as we get older I'm more likely to tell him what is acceptable and what isn't, for my own self worth. I wish I'd done that a bit more when we were younger. TL:DR, we do need to do a bit of training, and it drives me mad, but there we are. The best thing we can do is try to do a better job with our sons than the mothers of the men our age did. Down with the patriarchy!

Not who you were responding to, but, rock on - live your life as you please.

And OT: cat and needlework and all you’ve listed, would still be better than the man above😀😂

Anyway, enjoy (as all women should) your life as you see best!

I would recommend that anyone looking for love, commitment, steadfastness and attentiveness get a dog. There are no doubt lovely men out there, but there are plenty who are total shits as well. At least with a dog you know where you stand.

Water meets its own level,
Two unhealthy people is never going to make for a great relationship.
There are alot of really bitter angry people on here, full of self hatred who love to demonise all men because of their own previously poor choices and decisions. Don' t become one of those, learn from your mistakes, take full responsibility for your own well being, happiness, choices, standards and expectations.
The happiest people l know are those that are accountable for their own personel happiness and wellbeing regardless of being in a relationship or not.

So if someone's managed to experience a life filled with warm, loving, decent men they're the liars, whereas you've managed to have a series of relationships with scumbags... And men are the problem? Maybe stop rummaging in the gutter for partner material rather than denigrate half the population.

If your assumption is that "all men are shit" you're going to meet a lot of shit men because the only men who will stick around will be milquetoasts or men who know that they will do the things that you're saying all men do. Same when men speak of women.

Catastrophizing and absolute thinking are maladaptive patterns. If you don't like men who have young friends or an attraction to women who aren't you, there are billions of other men in the world to choose from. You can't expect them all to fulfill your specific requirements, just as every man can't expect you to fulfill those.

And you so clearly know nothing about me.
I’ve never been ”rummagign in the gutter” or as someone else, or was that you (?), said - out in clubs looking for men in pool of vomit or whatever.
This has never been me.
Still, no good men.

Altough, I think we have different standards to a ’good man’, that would explain a lot.

Also, nice victim blaiming.
Of course the problem must be a woman, not the low quality men.

Best comment. All those who are saying 'rare men, few good men' should take a good look who you surround yourself with.

There are horrific men and wonderful men. Most are somewhere in between.The problem is that too many are in the category of 'not horrific, but not good enough to be worth getting into a long-term relationship with, but are just about capable of acting like they are (at first)'. Once they let their act drop a bit, you're invested and therefore inclined t9 give them the benefit of the doubt over the little red flags that gradually begin to show.

Imo the only sane path is to realise very early on that staying single (permanently, if necessary) is better than being in a relationship with a man who doesn't genuinely improve your life.

This annoys me every time. I surround myself with normal, everyday people from all walks of life, though to be fair, mostly middle class average white males because that’s my demographic. When I say ‘good men are rare’ the sample range for that is the several thousand men I have met in my life. Many of them seem ‘good’ on the surface, but statistically one in four is abusing their wife, one in five is having sex with prostitutes, more than 9 in 10 are wanking off to women being raped and abused (aka porn), and the rest will expect a medal for doing the bare minimum of housework. I cannot count the number of times I have been propositioned by ‘good’ men. A man who thinks it is his responsibility to buy the Christmas presents for his parents is rarer than unicorn shit. So yes , a truly ‘good’ man is a rare thing in deed.

Well done to all those women who (like me) have (finally!) managed to find one.

It was actually Mumsnet that helped open my eyes to how low my own bar was set, so I agree wholeheartedly that collectively women need to raise and enforce their expectations.

Where are your statistics from @Worldgonecrazy ? I’m surprised by some of the figures you have mentioned, and would like to find out more - please can you link to your sources?

@Worldgonecrazy WTF did I just read, where the hell are your numbers coming from? If you are defining your life based around what you have learned from MN the World has truly gone crazy.

I suffer from chronically low self worth and have a tendency to ignore the shit things people do to me and focus on the good as I have a fear of being abandoned

Men aren't the problem, low self worth is. And your therapy should help with this. Don't date until you've made progress with your therapy to the point they think your self esteem is much improved, and you can make better relationship decisions.

Did you have a good relationship with your dad? I find that women who haven't tend to have a much more negative view of men than those who do as they have never seen an example of a good decent man who's treated them well. Something to work through as well.

Various porn surveys put the number at between 77% and 100%. Google is your friend!

One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence, so unless there is one man running around doing all of it, it’s a broad brush statistic but a reasonable guess. It’s not just physical violence, it could include emotional and/or financial abuse, and the often heard ‘walking on eggshells’.

I can’t recall where I first encountered the fidelity figure, but I think it was in an article exploring the number of divorces and those instigated because of infidelity. It was some years ago that I read it.

Interesting read with links that I found with a quick Google with even worse infidelity percentages! www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/are-we-meant-to-be-monogamous-why-people-cheat-open-relationships-and-life-after-an-affair-10097811.html

I will admit my life experience has led me to be extremely cynical about men, and appreciate the one I have. As the saying goes ‘You have to kiss a lot of frogs ….’

Sorry, meant to add, I don’t understand why those women who are lucky enough to have good men can’t accept that most women won’t have that experience, and that most men really aren’t much of a catch?

More than 9 in 10 are wanking off to women being raped and abused (aka porn),

How about you balance out your facts, So what do you think of all women watch porn? I supposed it does not fit your narrative does it.

"The survey, conducted by Ann Summers, delved into the nation’s porn habits and discovered that 96 per cent of women have watched porn with a partner, with 58 per cent claiming it had a positive effect on their sex life."

"The research by Typeform for Marie Claire also shows how the digital age has made porn more accessible: 90 per cent of the 3,000 female respondents said they watched it online and two-thirds said they watched it on their smartphones."

I was scrolling through my sm last night looking at some lovely holiday photos of my friend, her DH and their children. And I'm slightly disturbed that my thoughts were "I hope he's not one of the ones who leaves her after misbehaving and their lovely family gets broken up".

Like the OP, I too know plenty of women thats happened to. I also have plenty of single friends in their late thirties, who are attractive, employed and good company for whom meeting a partner has just never happened. They've tried internet dating, with limited success, and now have mostly given up and just live their best lives. They seem to be really happy too and don't waste their time hunting for an elusive man who might, on balance, be quite likely to bring unwanted drama or trouble to their lives.

Equally, I've had friends who have been horribly dumped after their boyfriend of the time has cheated on them and done the whole dramatic thing involved with it, severely disrupting their lives and in some cases their ability to work, and causing them to suffer from clinical depression and/or anxiety related illness.

Then I think of the men in my sports club, at least half of whom have tried to actively cheat on their live in partners/wives and have been pretty sleazy guys while outwardly appearing decent, well adjusted men.

Its pretty depressing. Birth rates are falling, and whenever you read about it, its always written from the perspective that women are "choosing" to have families later in life. I barely know anyone who managed to get a steady boyfriend before 28!

If I were to guess why, I'd say its because men have had life quite easy in the workforce until now, with little competition for jobs from half the population, and many were able to walk into easy jobs for life whereas women really did have to get a husband to be able to have a reasonable standard of living. That hasn't been the case for decades now, and its less the case all the time, but entrenched attitudes die hard and there are still plenty of male dominated sectors with easy well paid jobs for life around, but amongst professional men, many of them seem likely to end up single in old age or with an "internet bride" from a poorer country (I know of 5 men who have married women they barely know from overseas whom they met on the internet). I'm not saying theres anything wrong with that, but it might be one increasing trend that contributes to why European women are having less children.

I thought some of the messages abit harsh, saying the onus is on the OP to find a good man. Of course OP should have standards but meeting the right person for you is also a matter of luck. I certainly have never found someone I was happy to spend my life with.

I am now happily single and plan on staying that way for the foreseeable future. I'm not saying no to any future relationship if one comes along but I'm certainly not looking, and I'm happy to be forever single if that's how it turns out.

And MN is proving me right every day with dozens of new threads about how shit one's partner is. I'm sure lots of people are happy in a relationship but for me, I've found they require more effort and greater compromise than I'm willing to give.

@Worldgonecrazy

42% of heterosexual marriages in the U.K. end in divorce. I wonder how many non married, "common law" heterosexual relationships split up? I suspect it's higher, as it's easier for the man to walk away without so much financial cost.

As an active online dater, I know a lot of men on there are married. There are some that state they are married and want a bit on the side. Then there are the majority claiming to be single but once you get chatting, there are signs. I wonder how many of the wives / partners know / ever find out what they are up to? Online dating apps have made it so much easier for them to cheat.

Ann summers: selective bias, sounds like it was women who already do watch porn and many of them watch it with partner.
Also, that crowd is not going to be the most caring/classy people, now are they….

I found this and according to that 77% of (french) women has never watched porn.

www.statista.com/statistics/1099039/pornographic-websites-access-frequency-gender-france/