AIBU - to just be sick of men

[mamabear449]

Long story short I split from my abusive ex almost 2 years ago. I've been seeing someone new who's a lot older than me for a year now. He's very kind, loving and when he's at his best makes me feel amazing. I suffer from chronically low self worth and have a tendency to ignore the shit things people do to me and focus on the good as I have a fear of being abandoned.

Going through therapy at the moment and I'm starting to see my partner now in a way I haven't before and I've just had enough.

He's friends with loads of women from work. Likes girls photos online including 20 Yr old friends of his daughter (He's 50). He constantly shuts down messages on his phone when I enter a room or turn over in bed. Lately he's started spending loads of time out drinking with a 20yr old boy. He frequently doesn't have time to see me and my daughter or stay at my house for long then goes home and is either on his xbox or online messaging god knows who.

I've never raised any of this as an issue as such with him because frankly I can't be bothered with it all.

Aibu to think most men aren't worth bothering with these days and I'm better off alone?

many of them seem likely to end up single in old age or with an "internet bride" from a poorer country (I know of 5 men who have married women they barely know from overseas whom they met on the internet). I'm not saying theres anything wrong with that

And how many of these younger brides stick around once the man's purpose has been served? ie once that western country citizenship is approved.

I thought some of the messages abit harsh, saying the onus is on the OP to find a good man.

Who else would the onus be on? 🤔
"Good" is subjective in this context. The onus is always going to be on you to find a partner that fits your likes and doesn't run up against your insecurities. The real unreasonable thing is expecting a majority of the opposite sex to morph their personalities into something that is more acceptable to you.

Thanks @YouAreNotBatman

You too.

I'm still bemused but the thinly veiled attempts at slut shaming because I'm not conforming to what these posters expect of a woman my age. 1/ single and miserable, jealous of any woman with a partner, no matter how bad he is. Or 2/ be grateful that a lazy, over weight man child shows me some attention, get into a relationship with them and end up skivvying for them because that's what good wives do, even though there would be nothing in that for me.

After a long day, I have decided to revisit this thread to see if you are still going on with your foolishness and outlandish presumptions of what people are indicating towards you.

I see now that you are still creating your own beliefs as to what people are trying to convey here.

Specifically myself. Which to my recollection, all I stated was that you should be more respectful in terms of how you address people. Namely men. Men that you have generalised as ‘lazy, fat, old, bald-headed and moaners’ 🤔

Best of luck to you @MugOfBuildersTea

You’re definitely going to need it. 🙄

@runnerblade95

Your unhappiness and envy seeps through your posts.

Water meets its own level,
Two unhealthy people is never going to make for a great relationship.
There are alot of really bitter angry people on here, full of self hatred who love to demonise all men because of their own previously poor choices and decisions. Don' t become one of those, learn from your mistakes, take full responsibility for your own well being, happiness, choices, standards and expectations.
The happiest people l know are those that are accountable for their own personel happiness and wellbeing regardless of being in a relationship or not.

This is one of the most sensible things I have ever read on MN. Sadly it will probably fall on deaf ears.

Oh, bless your little heart. I am far from unhappy. I am married to a wonderful man who dotes on both me and my daughter. I am more than content and happy with who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife.

I find your ability to evaluate others state of emotional contentment amusing.

Please continue.

It is both entertaining and bizarre. 😊

Go watch The Worst Person in the World: it's a game changer...

I think the main thing here is not to rely on any man to make you happy. You need to look after this bit yourself and learn to like and love yourself. As a single mum I can honestly say that my sons father put me off men for life but I’m still sure there are some nice men out there. I’m not at all interested in finding one though .

You sound extremely sure of what the future holds for you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and lose both of your legs. You could get in the shower this evening and discover a lump in your breast. You could answer the phone when it rings next and it could be the most devastating phone call you have ever received, leaving you emotionally crippled.

Does an emotionally healthy, sane, rational person think these thoughts, write them down and aim them at another poster? Truly evil.

I am married to a wonderful man who dotes on both me and my daughter. I am more than content and happy with who I am as a person, woman, mother and wife.

So you keep saying. I wonder what's really going on in your marriage and at home 😂

I don't really understand how and why you haven't raised these things with him or ended the relationship. When someone you are starting a relationship with, does something you don't feel comfortable with or something that clashes with a belief or moral of yours, that's the point where you say 'I'm not comfortable with xyz' and you then either resolve it (if it is something that they actually want to resolve) or you leave them or they leave you. I once was 2 months into dating someone and they added me to thier social media accounts and so I saw that they paid a lot of attention to certain types of accounts, making comments that were mild in many peoples eyes but not something I was okay with. I said so, they understood my position but said it wasn't something they were going to change. We enjoyed the rest of the event we were at, thanked each other for the fun that had been had so far and went our separate ways. What's the point in a relationship where either party feels upset, it isn't supposed to be that way.

one in five is having sex with prostitutes

I'm pretty sure I've read a statistic in the last week that 11% (one in ten) have had sex with a prostitute, once in their life. Based on that, I would guess the proportion "having sex" at the point you meet them is more like one in a hundred, but I'm sure someone seeing this will post the correct statistic.

"at least once", I meant to write.

Strange that you quoted the first paragraph of my reply but failed to include the second paragraph which clearly states that I do not wish the above upon any individual. That includes you. I also indicated very clearly that I was speaking hypothetically.

Do yourself a favour and look up the definition of the term ‘hypothetical’.

Google is your friend 😉

Yawn.

No marriage or home is perfect. Myself, my daughter and my husband are far from perfect. I was simply responding to you assuming once again, that you know who I am, what my morals are, who I am as a person and what goes on in my life.

It’s giving stalker vibes. As well as unhinged.

Have a lovely day.

You sound extremely sure of what the future holds for you. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow and lose both of your legs. You could get in the shower this evening and discover a lump in your breast. You could answer the phone when it rings next and it could be the most devastating phone call you have ever received, leaving you emotionally crippled.

Wow, this vitriol and nastiness is uncalled for.

Aibu to think most men aren't worth bothering with these days and I'm better off alone?

No YANBU given the experience you are having.

What are lot of the smug "I chose a good man, so don't understand why all women don't choose good men" posters aren't understanding is that some women grow up in dysfunctional families with shit men for dads. They don't have an example of what a good relationship looks like. It's not their fault if they go on to repeat the pattern. It would be great if therapy was offered to all teens so that they don't go on to repeat the mistakes of their parents but it isn't. So keep blaming the women for ending up with shit men, rather than expecting men to step up and be decent partners and fathers.

How is it vitriol and nastiness when it is HYPOTHETICAL?

As I said to @MugOfBuildersTea , Google is your friend.

@Dufton Wow, this vitriol and nastiness is uncalled for.

So calling all most men lazy, fat, old, bald-headed and moaners is not nasty, but using a hypothetical situation in order to get the point across that nobody is invincible is vitriol and nasty?

Got it. 🤣🤣

The more time I spend on Mumsnet the more I feel sick of women as well as men tbh.

Yep. Wishing illness, disability and death on a poster because you disagree with what they've written is extreme.

Who wished illness, disability or death upon anyone? Maybe you should learn to read and comprehend sentences properly.

’You could’ is not wishing any of the above upon anyone.

It is suggesting a potential hypothetical situation arising. Hence the use of the word ‘could’.

I won’t be explaining this again. Anyone who thinks it is anything other than what it was, that’s your problem and yours alone.

Dufton · 30/04/2022 13:17

What are lot of the smug "I chose a good man, so don't understand why all women don't choose good men" posters aren't understanding is that some women grow up in dysfunctional families with shit men for dads. They don't have an example of what a good relationship looks like. It's not their fault if they go on to repeat the pattern. It would be great if therapy was offered to all teens so that they don't go on to repeat the mistakes of their parents but it isn't. So keep blaming the women for ending up with shit men, rather than expecting men to step up and be decent partners and fathers.”

I grew up with a father and older brother who were monsters.
they taught me exactly what a bad man was and I was able to recognise good men when I met them. Been married to one for 34 years. Not smug, just knew I was worth a whole lot more than my start in life. Bad men just didn’t get a chance.