To blame my Dad for a lot of issues..

[roseii]

So my parents are still together, I had a stable upbringing (99.9% of the time) and I felt happy as a child.

My mum is very loving and was always there for me when I was young, gave lots of affection and support whenever needed.

My dad on the other hand, was always kind to me, never shouted at me or did anything really 'wrong'. But he was very absent in terms of emotional support, he didn't really hug me or tell me he loves me very much. He rarely called me 'beautiful' or 'amazing' the words I'd 100% expect my dp to use with our daughter. He made it difficult sometimes to feel relaxed at home as he used to be unimpressed with mess or noise (just general things that happen in everyday life).

I left home young and have always sort affection from men and did a lot of things in my teenage life that I hope my dd won't. I struggle with giving or receiving affection from anyone except my dd. I find it awkward if my partner calls me beautiful and I find displaying affection to my dp really difficult.

There's a million more things to this story, but the older I get the more I wonder whether my dad played a big part in my struggle now.. or whether it's just me as a person!

Can anyone relate?

I’m in my 60’s and to get honest this sounds like a fairly normal upbringing to me, all the emotional stuff left to the mums.
Sounds to me like you had a great childhood if 99.99% of the time was good. Is there something else going on that makes you feel this way?

My dad was exactly the same as this.

Provided well for the family, but was emotionally detached. Never really hugged etc. He was a bit of a chauvanistic pig at times.

He passed away when I was early 20s.

I cannot relate to you though I'm afraid as my mum gave us all (myself and 4 siblings), enough love, hugs, compliments etc., which more than made up for my dads absenteeism, for want of a better word.

I did sleep around a bit when I was in my late teens/early 20s, but not to seek validation from men. Just because at the time, I wanted to.

Certainly I've never had comments like that from either of my parents.

Sounds pretty standard behaviour for a dad of that generation and time.

I relate to you with this. My dad and I were estranged from age 3, and my Mother wasn’t one to show physical signs of affection. Very rarely remember being hugged, and I can’t ever remember being told I was loved.

from the day DD was born I’ve told her I love her everyday, and she tells me multiple times a day, but I too have a hard time saying it in relationships or to anyone else now.

Sounds like you’re blaming your dad rather than taking ownership of your own personality / issues.

@Fairyliz thanks for your reply, I think this is it. That it was so 'normal' for the affection to be left to the mums. My dad is very much from this generation and I think he never felt it necessary to give me affection. (His own parents weren't affectionate, mum or dad) so he never learnt this either.

He used to shower me in presents and money as his way of showing me he cared. After I turned 18 this all stopped and he still helped out if I needed help with money but stopped 'showering' me in gifts. I think this was a hit because the only way he showed me love was by buying me things and that stopped! (This isn't me being spoilt just explaining why it felt strange to no longer be bought gifts) I see this as a way of men showing love which I know is wrong.

Maybe its been bought up recently as he is much more affectionate to my dd than he ever was me. Maybe he's just changing with the times!

I've never been called beautiful or amazing by my father. My mother made sure I knew my sister was the pretty one. I don't know anyone who was, to my knowledge. It sounds like your father was fine to me. Maybe not as physically affectionate as you'd have liked but that might be just who how he is. Honestly, your father sounds a lot easier than mine.

I can, kinda...

My mother was an absolute horror. Cold, emotionally distant, quick to anger, looked for any excuse to berate me, couldn't bring herself to show any interest in me, never praised me for achievements but was never shy in voicing her opinion when she thought I was falling short, and wasn't slow to raise her hands to me either.

Father was far warmer and more balanced, but wasn't a hugger and never stood up to my mother even when it was apparent he disagreed and believed she was being unreasonable.

For that reason I never really had all that close a relationship with either of them. I have a far more sympathetic view of my father than my mother, but the fact he stood by and watched her act like a tyrant, play blatant favourites, and repeatedly fail at being a human being still makes me stop short of feeling anything like genuine affection for him.

As an adult I don't have any time at all for emotionality and spirituality. I just see them as needless human folly. Things like romance, open declarations of affection, people who feel the need to profess their love and expect the same back, all of it just makes me roll my eyes as I honestly can't see the point of it or understand the apparent need for it. If any of that is down to my parents I don't know, but I suspect it's just who I am in all honesty. I have been accused in the past of 'not being able to express my emotions', whatever that means, but I honestly don't see it like that at all. I find most other people ridiculously overly emotional and fickle, and I don't understand at all why some people endlessly want to talk about 'feelings' and 'emotions'. I don't feel any need whatsoever to do that, and yet I'm still a reasonably happy, functional, and fulfilled adult.

I honestly think that we're guilty of an inordinately pompous amount of introspection as a species, and many people spend far too much time invested in psychobabble, get caught up in touchy-feely nonsense, and would be far better if they just stopped it and got on with their lives.

Your Dad doesn't sound like a perfect parent, but honestly, are any of us? He doesn't sound like he has done anything massively damaging.

It sounds like you had a positive upbringing and your Dad did his best, by the standards of the time.
If you need to work on your self esteem that's a good idea, but I think it's a bit unfair to blame your Dad for being a very normal Dad.
Parenting standards, and life, are very different now, so it's not surprising your DP is closer to your DD, than your Dad was with you.

Doesn't this sort of thing get passed down the generations? So maybe, while lacking in some way (like most of us) your father did his best in his own way.
I'm just not sure blaming our parents, pinning it on them, is the healthiest way to see this, for you and for him.
Maybe therapy where you can talk about it would help you.

I 100% appreciate that there's going to be loads of people thinking 'he sounds great compared to mine' and this wasn't me coming on here to make it seem like I've had a hard time at all! I'm just interested to see if anyone in a similar family can relate or not.

I resent the fact he spoilt me rotten to show me love (I forgot this in the original post which is annoying) I openly admit I expect too much from my partner in terms of money as this was drilled into me from young that mum says she loves you and dad buys you everything you want. It's made me spoilt and has made adult life tougher as I know it's wrong to expect anything from anyone and will be sure to try my best to teach dd that daddy loves her without buying gifts.

Also just to say, I love my dad dearly and this isn't a post to attack him. I'm just curious.

Thank you everyone for your helpful replies. It all helps for me to put into perspective.

Your dad obviously showed that he loved you by buying you material things. A lot of older men I think saw their role as fathers as providing and bringing home the bacon. Mum's did the rest!

I think it sounds like a fairly typical upbringing of the time. Your dad showed you love in the way he felt comfortable or the best way he knew how.

As far as your daughter goes, that's how it is with grandparents, isn't it? Being a parent is rewarding but it's a job, too. A grandparent's only responsibility is to love the child. He probably is finding it easier or less stressful than being a parent.

I don't think it sounds particularly unusual unfortunately. That doesn't mean it's not at the root of your issue though, people put their experiences together in all sorts of different ways and are all affected differently. My father never complimented me and I'm uncomfortable with compliments from men too, but I'm very affectionate (he never was). I think more important though is to work on the things you want to change, if you want to be more affectionate to your partner than perhaps start with some very small steps, the more you do it the more natural it will become. If he compliments you then tell yourself you deserve it!

I have a similar issue with being spoiled. I've never blamed my dad, though. I'm an adult, have been for a long time. My spoiled-ness is 100% my problem to solve at this point.

Blame him, yes, if you want to. We can all find someone to blame for why we are who we are. But blame looks backwards. Whilst you are blaming, you are essentially allowing the person you are blaming to be in control of your today.

Who/what you blame is an irrelevance to how you move forward. Make the definition between blame, which looks backwards, and responsibility, which looks forwards. Who is responsible for your next action/feeling? Is it you, or is it your dad? Once you get to grips with this, you'll step into being responsible for yourself, and you'll step into all the joys of being in charge of your own life.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX
”I honestly think that we're guilty of an inordinately pompous amount of introspection as a species, and many people spend far too much time invested in psychobabble, get caught up in touchy-feely nonsense, and would be far better if they just stopped it and got on with their lives.”

SO MUCH THIS 👏🏻

^This.

We were quite poor growing up, so never got showered with gifts. So my experience of being shown love by my dad is very different to yours. My dads way was slogging his guts out so we could have a camping holiday every year.

Not that I'm complaining. Some of my fondest childhood memories are from those times.

But it does seem like you are doing too much navel gazing about this. I really think you are giving this too much headspace.

With respect, I think you should try and get over it.
Most of us are fucked up in one way or another by our parents.
All we can do is make it better for our own kids!

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad"...

Try to get over it. My parents have never called me amazing. I don't know anyone's parents who did that. I think you have unreasonable expectations there. I agree with PP that we get too caught up in introspection sometimes.

I’m in my 60’s and my dad would never have said I was beautiful or amazing he said I was smart and not to let boys mess me arround and encouraged me to go to university , not so common as now. He showed his love by fixing things and decorating top to bottom the first flat I ever had. He worked long hours at a physical job when I was a kid my mum was a SAHM which was how it usually worked back in the 60’s. We didn’t have loads of money but I had everything that I needed even if my parents had to go without. When I had children he was retired and was an amazing grandad half the kids in the area would get him to fix their bikes. My dad loved me to bits I didn’t need him to tell me that and I adored him my dad died 10 years ago and I miss him lots. He would have been an amazing great grandad.