To blame my Dad for a lot of issues..

[roseii]

So my parents are still together, I had a stable upbringing (99.9% of the time) and I felt happy as a child.

My mum is very loving and was always there for me when I was young, gave lots of affection and support whenever needed.

My dad on the other hand, was always kind to me, never shouted at me or did anything really 'wrong'. But he was very absent in terms of emotional support, he didn't really hug me or tell me he loves me very much. He rarely called me 'beautiful' or 'amazing' the words I'd 100% expect my dp to use with our daughter. He made it difficult sometimes to feel relaxed at home as he used to be unimpressed with mess or noise (just general things that happen in everyday life).

I left home young and have always sort affection from men and did a lot of things in my teenage life that I hope my dd won't. I struggle with giving or receiving affection from anyone except my dd. I find it awkward if my partner calls me beautiful and I find displaying affection to my dp really difficult.

There's a million more things to this story, but the older I get the more I wonder whether my dad played a big part in my struggle now.. or whether it's just me as a person!

Can anyone relate?

You seem to think you are conditioned to be the way you are and you cannot change and it is his fault.

I think this attitude is damaging to you. Its fine to reflect on reasons for why are you the way you are. Its not fine to think you are trapped like that and cannot change with effort.

He wasn’t perfect

Neither are you. You seem to have been aware your attitude in relationships is a bit off. So you do something about it

He would have been just like your mum and you could still be sitting there moaning ‘’my parents both doted on me and told me I was amazing and wonderful and beautiful all the time. But now unless my dp gives me at least 18 genuine compliments a day I feel so sad. I know I expect to much….did my parents ruin me and cause me problems?’

If it’s causing you problems, crack on and deal with it. But I do think people need to understand they not everyone is the same. Wishing your dad was someone he wasn’t, because you act spoilt now is a bit off imo

I think at the moment that there's way too much navel-gazing going on due to the internet. Too much trying to pathologise and explain your behaviour by blaming other people

This isn't a 'modern' phenomenon.

Blaming people for what caused a thing originally is different from taking responsibility for how we deal with the thing now. ie it can be your fault I broke my leg (because you tripped me over), but it's not you I'll come to to fix it. I'll be taking responsibility for sorting myself out via the most appropriate means.

My parents never told any of us that they loved us, but us girls knew they did somehow, my brother who was the youngest and the only boy, has a bit of a chip on his shoulder about not being shown much affection as a child, despite being lavished with attention from 3 older sisters, and both parents. I think it is down to individual personalities.

And that’s fine. All I’m saying is, it’s possible that even though her dad was kind and never shouted, it doesn’t mean that the lack of affection/praise from him hasn’t affected OP. Those things being lacking from one parent can affect you. If she was saying she had the worst childhood ever, that would be ridiculous as clearly it wasn’t. But to wonder whether it’s affected things in her adult life is perfectly reasonable.

I can see nothing amiss with how your DF was as a father, and the only "issues" you've mentioned are an expectation for presents.

Sounds like you had an enviable, idyllic childhood and are nearly poking around for something to obsess about.

You are a grown woman who is responsible for managing your own expectations.
Turn your mind to something more productive.

I think at the moment that there's way too much navel-gazing going on due to the internet. Too much trying to pathologise and explain your behaviour by blaming other people

I think it can be useful if we use it in the right way, to try to do things better ourselves or to get some help if it’s affecting us negatively in order to improve things. Dwelling on things and blaming others without using it to improve things are pointless.

I'm the same, except its my mum who has never shown emotion. I also had an onset of anxiety and panic attacks in 2003 and it all was triggered by actions of my mum, in the past. What happens in your childhood never leaves you. We store it.

Only you are responsible for your decisions, not your parents, they didn't produce a clone.

Tbh your upbringing sounds idyllic, my dad beat the fuck out me and my mum, i was sexually abused as a teenager, he left when i was 7 and i never saw him again.
My mum was brilliant but she/we had no money, no help and really struggled with kids on her own.

I don't blame either one for the mistakes i ve made, i try to learn from them and not to do them again.

Mum and me were the best of friends and i admire her greatly for how she bought me up, i miss her every day.

Funnily enough, my siblings think exactly the opposite and are the lesser for it, their kids missed out on a fantastic Grandma.

This isn't a 'modern' phenomenon.

I disagree, I think it's way more common now than it was before. Over-use of therapy is partly to blame IMO.

What do you think would happen if you told him? How would he react? What would your mum say?

Sorry sounds like your childhood was pretty normal and I don't think you can blame your dad for anything. If he was abusive yes, but you say he wasn't, just a bit non demonstrative. Surely this isn't enough to cause such deep trauma that it affects your emotional well being?

Yes! Down with therapy! People should shut up about their problems and maintain a stiff upper lip, just like in the good old days!

On the other hand, maybe if people have feelings, they could speak them allowed. It might be healthier.

OP you sound like you are trapped by your teenage actions, ashamed and looking for someone to blame. Parents aren’t perfect but it doesn’t sound like they did anything particularly damaging. In the same way that people from happy homes can go totally off the rails, people from chaotic homes can live very functional lives. Of course our childhoods have a huge impact on us but we can’t always attributed our actions to them

It does sound like your childhood was pretty good.

Would knowing why you have difficulty accepting compliments or showing affection to your partner suddenly change it? If you've identified something which is a problem for you then you need to work on changing that rather than seeking a cause or someone to blame.

Such a degree of introspection may be helpful for someone with a history of significant trauma but I think you just haven't developed a habit of doing certain things to the point where they feel natural for you. It's also possible this is just your personality and not something which needs to be fixed.

I think some parents feel a lot of criticism and maybe guilt over the way they parented.

i think the introspection is good as it can help break negative cycles. Even just having kids just be Ayse when you would not not make a good parent. If this was OPs mom most would be agreeing with her. Men are held to a low standard and women to too high a standard when it comes to parenting.

You had an emotionally absent father and you are allowed to name that and try to work out how it affects your sense of self and your relationships.

All these super critical responses for you to shut up about your childhood because they are shut down about theirs are sad really.

I do agree that self examination can become an indulgent time waster, but equally the unexamined life isn’t worth living, right? May as well be a lump of rock.

@MarilynValentine :
"All these super critical responses for you to shut up about your childhood because they are shut down about theirs are sad really."

Which posters was this? Name them. I call utter bullshit. No one has said anything of the sort.

Yes! Down with therapy! People should shut up about their problems and maintain a stiff upper lip, just like in the good old days!

That's not at all what I said. I said OVER use of therapy. I've had therapy myself, to deal with specific issues over a finite period of time. I don't think going to therapy every week for the whole of your life to keep chewing over the same issues is helpful. I think it turns you into a navel gazer. That's my opinion. You see all these kids on TikTok complaining about how their parents parented them and throwing words like trauma around to describe entirely normal human behaviours. It seriously grates when you work with children who have actually been traumatised.

All these super critical responses for you to shut up about your childhood because they are shut down about theirs are sad really.

Not one single person on this thread said anything of the sort.

Name them 😂
Loads of posters! I don’t know if you’re one of them @Oblomov22

There have been a lot of critical replies suggesting the OP is being self indulgent and should stop trying to assign blame etc. Very critical in tone. Which is fine, I just see things differently.

That's not the same as what you just said. You are completely contradicting yourself.

Not a single posters said what you claimed in your first post. Not one.

I’m really not contradicting myself…You seem very defensive.

I think you had a great childhood compared to many, but I'd suggest talking to therapist about your issues now if as it sounds its impacting on your self esteem and relationships with DP. I'd also recommend The Book you wish your parents read by oPhilippa Perry

I don’t know any dads who tell their daughters they’re beautiful and amazing.

Id be uncomfortable if my husband praised our daughter for her looks. I think it’s a bit creepy really.

People show love in different ways and your dad clearly showed his love by being kind and financially supportive. It’s not wrong, look into love languages.