To blame my Dad for a lot of issues..

[roseii]

So my parents are still together, I had a stable upbringing (99.9% of the time) and I felt happy as a child.

My mum is very loving and was always there for me when I was young, gave lots of affection and support whenever needed.

My dad on the other hand, was always kind to me, never shouted at me or did anything really 'wrong'. But he was very absent in terms of emotional support, he didn't really hug me or tell me he loves me very much. He rarely called me 'beautiful' or 'amazing' the words I'd 100% expect my dp to use with our daughter. He made it difficult sometimes to feel relaxed at home as he used to be unimpressed with mess or noise (just general things that happen in everyday life).

I left home young and have always sort affection from men and did a lot of things in my teenage life that I hope my dd won't. I struggle with giving or receiving affection from anyone except my dd. I find it awkward if my partner calls me beautiful and I find displaying affection to my dp really difficult.

There's a million more things to this story, but the older I get the more I wonder whether my dad played a big part in my struggle now.. or whether it's just me as a person!

Can anyone relate?

I find the idea of dads calling their daughters beautiful and amazing almost a bit….creepy? I don’t know if that’s the right word but it just gives me the ick.

Maybe I've been spending too much time on TikTok but there is a lot of navel gazing going on at the moment WRT one's parents and how they affected you. It is literally impossible to be a perfect parent. Completely impossible. Life shapes us. Families shape us. Parents are people like anyone else. 99% of the time they're doing the best they can with the tools they have. My parents have faults like anyone else but they're people. It's normal.

I think there's such a thing as too much therapy nowadays. It doesn't do to constantly look inwards and for reasons why you're like X, Y or Z. If you don't like the way you are then look for ways you can change that. Focusing on "my parents did X" is not going to be very helpful in the long run.

I can relate to this in a way. Neither parent was terribly affectionate though mum was a little more so. Dad was either emotionally absent or very critical - nothing was ever good enough (too much praise would result in us getting a 'swelled head' - too pleased with ourselves) and it has affected all my siblings in one way or another.

Mum may have been glad to have met dad and had a family but ultimately it was an unhappy family. Eventually we all have to try to 'get out from under' as it were and make our own way but it can't help but cast a shadow.

This is true. For me, the more important question (about my own parents) is: did they do the best job they could, with the skills and knowledge and reosurces they had at the time?

I think they did. My parents tried very hard to do a good job. In many areas, they got it right, in some they got it wrong. Probably some of the wrongs led to greater struggles for me in life (the "it don't hurt" attitude to pain means I struggle to express any form of physical or mental pain now, for e.g.). But they are the parents I had and they did the best they could with what they had.

OP, do you feel like your Dad was capable (at the time) of greater affection and chose to withold it, or that he was giving you everything he could, at the time?

I find your post odd. It sounds like a really good upbringing, And the fact that you don't view it that way it's very strange. Your father sounds fine.

"He rarely called me 'beautiful' or 'amazing' the words I'd 100% expect my dp to use with our daughter." I find this statement quite freaky. No one has ever called me beautiful or amazing. I'm not particularly. I'm good at loads of things.

Do you think you have chronic self-esteem that you're laying blame for on your dad when in actual fact it's not his fault?

Plus blame is a very strange thing, what does it actually achieve? Have you had counselling to address all these issues and accept yourself for what you are now and to move on because blame is fruitless.

Wow, your childhood was good by your own admission.
The only thing you could dredge up to taint it was your father's lack of physical affection whilst being a little over indulgent with gifts.
Please get a grip OP. Navel gazing to this degree is unusual.

I agree. Be grateful for the loving upbringing that you did have. I am grateful for mine. Just stop, stop with the 'woke' bollocks. Book some counselling.

No one ever hugged me, told me they loved me, or called me amazing which was pretty sad in the grand scheme of things.

However, it makes no difference to me as an adult. I get plenty of hugs, my husband tells me he loves me (my sons do occasionally) and I don't need anyone else to tell me I'm amazing, I know I am!

Blaming your dad for not being as emotional as you would like him to be is just daft. Spending time contemplating why is just a waste of time and energy. You are a grown up, be responsible for your own self love and worth and be grateful for the lovely childhood you had.

Neither of my parents have ever called my beautiful or amazing or showered me with gifts. I had a completely standard upbringing by completely standard parents. There is a limit on how long you can blame your parents for, even if they have done something, and given that you are old enough to be a parent yourself then that limit has expired. You deserve a better adulthood than casting yourself as victim.

Guess what.....no parent is perfect.

You aren't either, you can only hope your dc realise you did the best you could and don't try to blame all their ishooos entirely on you.

I have never told ds(18) he is amazing and beautiful so have taken a note to tell him when he gets back from school today. Should be interesting what his response is 🤣

Blanket, my ds2 would be like

My ds1 would be : "Mum have you been drinking"?
(I am working from home today, mid running 3 payrolls).

Having an emotionally distant parent can absolutely affect your own relationships. Often these parents can be unkind as well, so in that respect you are ‘lucky’ that this wasn’t the case.

Theres no one perfect upbringing but there are some basic parenting methods that studies show are beneficial to children and that make it more likely for them to turn into happy adults capable of healthy relationships. Boosting your child’s self esteem and being emotionally available, things missing from your dads parenting, are two of those things.

Some people do have an attitude, as shown on here, that as long as parents aren’t unkind or beat you or whatever that you should be unaffected by your childhood. It’s not the case, and personally, me and my partner try to do better than just ‘fine’,

Its good that you are aware and if you feel that it is affecting your relationship with your partner negatively, it’s the sort of thing a therapist can help with. Showing affection to your partner is a nice thing for them and it’s also beneficial for children to see parents being good role models in their relationship with one another, part of that can be seeing an appropriate level of affection between the two of you.

I completely disagree strongly with Vegan. No one, on this thread has said that unkind or beat you is the minimum to aspire above. No one said 'just fine' was enough.

That's a huge leap of assumption, to jump to OP's father being 'unkind'. I didn't read anything that suggested he was anything of the sort.

There is a limit on how long you can blame your parents for, even if they have done something, and given that you are old enough to be a parent yourself then that limit has expired.

Whilst blaming them is pointless because it won’t change anything for the better, there is no limit on how long our childhoods affect who we are as adults.

The important thing is to address it if you think it’s having a negative impact on your current relationship or any other part of your life.. So if you love your partner and he wants more affection and you would like to be able to do that, then it’s a good idea to try to get to the point that you can.

Read my post, you will see I said the opposite.

I didn’t grow up with a dad, my mum divorced home when i was young- so obviously he was absent and I never had a stepfather, so I was never anyone’s special girl etc etc. I did have a heard working great mum.
I have things about myself which I don’t love and things which are ok, but whatever the reason what on earth is the point in looking for someone to blame for it. Unless you aim to take that information forward and work on what you feel are your problems or shortcomings, it is really just an excuse to blame someone other than yourself.
No ones life is perfect, do the best you can to have the life you want, without hurting anyone else and leave the past behind. What do you gain and what improves in your life by blaming your dad?

Sounds like you're blaming him for being a typical dad, from the sound of it a pretty good one.

Oh no, your dad gave you everything you wanted and showered you with gifts? How DID you ever cope? 😱😒

Posters have said it was a great childhood, a good upbringing etc. I wouldn’t say it’s a great childhood to never have positive comments from your parent and never get hugs or be told you are loved. It’s not terrible, it’s fine, but not great.

We do now know that being emotionally available and boosting you child’s self esteem are really beneficial to kids. I wouldn’t want to be a parent that doesn’t give hugs if my kids want one, or that doesn’t tell them that they’re beautiful and capable. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t a good parent in other ways, but these things were lacking from OPs dad and it is possible these things have caused some of OPs issues. There will of course be other factors but our relationships with our parents are a big one.

No parents are perfect .Parenting styles have vastly changed over the years . I think your DF sounds fairly normal TBH. I think most men would have felt embarrassed at telling their DC how wonderful they were!There is always a tendency to want to be "perfect" ourselves ,but a perfect parent doesnt exist!The teenage years are a bit of a minefield ,we never want our DC to repeat our mistakes but often they do! This is where we learn about Adult life .I dont want my DC to experiment with drugs or get into the wrong company ,I did but came out the other side . They may have different experiences but probably wont stay home knitting!

I disagree again. Strongly with Vegan.

"My mum is very loving and was always there for me when I was young, gave lots of affection and support whenever needed. "

"he didn't really hug me or tell me he loves me very much. "

Her mum was totally loving. Her dad not quite so emotionally open, and not demonstrative physical affection, but was kind and never shouted.

Your upbringing sounds totally normal. My father was never touchy-feely, I certainly wouldn't have been called beautiful and amazing, etc. Your parents were products of their time and so will you be. Most parents do the best that they can with what they have.

I think at the moment that there's way too much navel-gazing going on due to the internet. Too much trying to pathologise and explain your behaviour by blaming other people.

You can't change the past so start looking forward and not back.

But just because it was fairly normal at the time, doesn’t mean it hasn’t shaped who OP is today. And if OP is struggling with things, she should try to work through them. Blaming him for being what was within the norms at the time isn’t helpful. I would be much more harsh on fathers today that are emotionally unavailable, although of course they may be dealing with their own things.

It sounds like you are exploring this because you see the way that your DP parents as a father is very different to how your father was with you. Having kids does this to you, I think - you start reevaluating your own childhood as they grow. But it's important to remember that your dad parented in a different time. What you describe sounds fairly normal to me for the time.

I wouldn't expect my partner to call our DD beautiful and amazing. He tells her he loves her and is proud of her, shows care and listens to her but wouldn't use those words at all.

I think at the moment that there's way too much navel-gazing going on due to the internet. Too much trying to pathologise and explain your behaviour by blaming other people.

I agree.