Why why why do people have kids without marriage

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Obviously if you earn more.. have an independent income... so NOT aimed at you..

But WHY after all these years do I see threads from economically improvised women STILL posting how they are so severely compromised ?

have commonly seen in divorces I’ve been aware of that ex DH continues to pay wife’s credit card amongst other things, and/or school fees (including university), health insurance for kids etc

I suppose it depends on your perspective. If both spouses are on low wages it probably doesn’t matter as much.

Because people get emotionally attached to other people and don’t think about financial details?
ive had one child aged 17 from a man who was an absolute loser, I’ve then stayed with a guy for 10 years and helped raise two of his kids as well as mine and then had another child with a man I wasn’t married to. The guy I’m with now loves and is kind to all of these children , and I live in a really nice house in a really nice place. Mainly because I don’t see marriage as a financial transaction and I don’t , and have never needed a man financially , if my ex had dropped dead I’d have kept his kids and raised them like my own. I’ve got a good career and a good life balance . To me , marriage is a contract that involves finances it also involves control and obligations . I don’t need it . I don’t fuck men I dont trust . I have step children I love because the men I love had made mistakes and I have everything I have because I made all the choices I did . That’s why I have my own 20 yr old daughter , 4 step kids from an ex, and my own youngest with my most recent ex and him because he’s lovely at my house this week . It’s my life , never married , never poor though and a massive bonus family I can’t imagine life without . I’m just blessed I suppose :)

I can't understand why people are planning babies/kids with boyfriends/partners but are unwilling to bring up marriage. Or then you have the woman who think once they have 1or 2 children he will marry them then. Marriage gives both people more legal rights. Also if your husband or wife was to pass away your not left with a big tax bill if you inherit the family home, life insurance ect. You could be also entitled to a widows pension or a tax allowance if your husband/wife dies.

I know of a case at the moment where she had a baby for him a few years ago. They are not married. The house is in his name with no mortgage on it. They both work outside the home but he earns probably 2.5 her salary. She pays towards the child care and bills. I found out recently that he has a will made where the house, his pension and any life insurance will be held in trust for the child. His solicitor will be in charge of paying out these funds.
When the child is 18 they will own this house. Meanwhile his partner won't own the home they currently share after his death. She will have to ask for and justify why she needs money for the child from his solicitor. She won't even be eligible for a widows pension after he dies because they are not married. Her income is far less then his and I know she find it hard to pay child care, bills ect on her income.
He meanwhile has a number of health issues. It's quite possible that he could have to leave work due to poor health before retirement age or he could die at younger age due to poor health.

I know another man whose girlfriend got pregnant when they were both in college. They are still together and now have 4 kids. He won't marry her and they both work. If anything was to happen to him or her the person left with the 4 kids would be left in a worse position than if they were married.

Most of my friends that have children are married. The majority of them were married before having a child. Some of them got married within a few years of having a child once they realised that being married give her/him better legal protection.

Because it does in other jurisdictions. Australian law is very different on this matter with ‘de facto’ relationship being a legal thing, same as marriage. There are loads of Australians in the UK and vice versa, so it stands to reason people take their experiences with them, and share them with friends.

Say a couple go to Australia on a working holiday and end up settling for a few years, living together. Australian law recognises that as a legal relationship. But if they move back to the UK, it’s suddenly not. But marriage, which is also a legal relationship, would be treated as being valid in the UK. It’s understandably confusing.

Australia and the UK have very similar legal systems, so this is a huge difference. I enjoy mumsnet for the UK focus, fair enough that’s the assumption of a person’s location. But people make general statements based on their jurisdiction, without stating where they are located, and those statements, made with great authority, do no universally apply across the readership of mumsnet.

Basically, buyer beware. Everyone’s situation is different!

If your partner died you'd have no legal rights to see his children again. Marriage also gives you Next of Kin, Power Of Attorney, rights to organise funeral, be on death certificate as spouse, etc etc. Marriage gives you so many protections. You are stuffed without it, and people only realise this when a tragedy occurs. Then it's too late. The importance of marriage and the protections it offers needs to be taught in schools.

Well we don't all of the luxury of choice! I was 18 months in and age 38 before it was obvious that my choices were:

• Try for a child with this man that I love despite him not offering me that OR
• Split and try and find someone else

I am reasonably comfortable so my desire for marriage is not driven by money but love, security and commitment. It makes me really sad that some people would view me as weak or an idiot.

Men want to keep their options open and women want children.

You’re totally right about that legally. And it does cause massive issues in families when people assume their long term relationship gives them some kind of security when it doesn’t . I have always known that I had no claim to anything without marriage and I’ve worked around it . Ex had a bit of an estate left to him, I gently nudged him to leave equal shares to all his children so that my step kids and my our shared all got the same. Then we had a life insurance policy that was left entirely to me which would have taken the pressure off raising them all. To be honest though, even if there was absolutely nothing there and I was cleaning through the night while my oldest babysat we’d still have been okay. I came from absolute poverty and have slept in disused garages as a child. I wouldn’t freak out at having nothing in the bank and it would never get to the point of nothing in the fridge . We’d muddle through . Marriage only gives you the security of your partner’s finances if they leave /die. It’s not to be sniffed at , but I remember sitting with my stepson when he was 9 ish and we had no money and I had said everyone should settle down because we didn’t have much power on the meter , and he said ‘what will you do if it runs out?’ And I said ‘ well I’ll light a few candles and read to you till you fall asleep’ and he smiled at me and held my hand. Things have been better ever since that period, they improved no thanks to his dad . I’m knackered and stressed sometimes and my youngest is a good candidate for ‘ little shit of the year ‘ sometimes but you’ll never, ever see them scruffy or miserable. And I’ll never wish I’d married any of their fathers .

Because not all of us want a husband. But we want a child. I wouldn’t give up being a single parent for anything. I never found the right man to marry, and had zero interest in marrying just bc of a baby.

I have been perfectly happy being a single mom. I have an awesome teenager, two great jobs, and a great village.

Her father would have been more of a financial liability, and would have made me miserable to boot. She brings me pure joy (except, well, teenagers and all, lol).

Genuinely wouldn't change a thing.

😂 load of bollocks.

This thread could be renamed Why why why do people have kids with men who aren’t rich?

It doesn’t make a huge amount of difference unless there are some reasonable assets involved. Getting divorced from a man without much money is bit going to leave you better off than if he was just your boyfriend.

It's not just about money. It's about protections, NOK, Power of Attorney, funeral arrangements, and so much more.

I must have hit a nerve! 😂

It's about protections, NOK, Power of Attorney, funeral arrangements, and so much more.

What protections? I don’t understand the power of attorney point - is that automatic for married couples? NOK has no set legal status in the UK. Funeral arrangements - no idea on this one but no more relevant for people with children than without surely.

I wouldn't change a thing about my two girls either, one of whom I raised by myself for most of her life. I'm immensely proud of them both and I don't need a marriage certificate to a man to validate my choice to raise them. It wouldn't have made me love them anymore than I do - that's just not possible as they are my entire world. Despite the judgemental bollocks on this thread about immorality (🙄hilarious - I work with violent and sexual offenders for a living, so my bar for "no morals" is somewhat different to an unmarried mother lovingly raising her children!)... I actually think I did a pretty good job in the circumstances I was in.

Yes, it is. NOK is also automatically granted to spouses, and if you are not married ie not NOK then his/her parents or other relative can come in, decide on medical interventions against your wishes and also arrange the funeral. This is all basic common sense, I would have thought, and would have expected anyone to understand this. Marriage offers legal protections that not being married doesn't. It's why marriage exists, in the first place.

Nope you’re wrong on NOK - so your claim that anyone should understand these things is quite funny.

Anyone confused about NOK status - this leaflet explains it quite well. Also covers PoA which is not, as I suspected, automatically granted to souses.

www.stchristophers.org.uk/leaflet/frequently-asked-questions-about-‘next-of-kin’-and-power-of-attorney

Or, why why why do women with no means of supporting a family have children? Relying on a partner, whether married or not, might seem fine when we have a baby. But in many households, its not fine. Marriage was the norm for my generation, it didn’t necessarily mean equal partnership or happy families. I do agree however that marriage does confer some rights, especially NOK and financial.

As women are generally the parent bringing up children alone, perhaps the pitfalls of being a parent with no work experience or qualifications should be explored especially with girls at school? Its never going to be mentioned in some families, where the cycle of single parents bringing up children on benefits is the norm. The lack of aspiration or even realisation that there are different choices are big barriers to improving one’s life.

I think women are naive about jobs - I worked in the NHS when I left school - not realising that I would have to choose between running a car or jetting off on holiday (this was the 70s). And a mortgage - haha not a chance.
I made sure my DDs did 'men's jobs'.
If they had to pay a mortgage on their own they could.

I think a lot of women still want the man to bring up marriage and do the romantic proposal. I have a child and we’re getting married soon. It was me who brought up marriage. If I hadn’t my partner likely wouldn’t have. As to why I had a child first. I think I’m a good judge of character and trusted my partner. It was also time of coronavirus and so weddings were postponed.

I feel so sorry for the women stuck in precarious situations. There really should be more education on these issues.

Actually your link backs up my point that if you have no spouse they go to the next blood relative.

And the link doesn't disprove that marriage is NOK at all. All it says is that you can choose who your NOK is.

I think the question should be, does marriage mean a woman can be a more loving mother who is better able to provide emotionally, practically and/or financially for their children? If not, then what does it matter?

The answer to that question in my case is a firm no. My children are loved unconditionally, provided for in every way, and my 53k salary is more than enough to support them both if my partner walked away tomorrow. So - in terms of the impact on their lives - what does it really truly matter that I don't have a certificate legally attaching me to their father?

TalkingCat "No Morals" ??? WTF? Do you see having children outside wedlock sinful?
People who this is so actually make me want to stay single.
Oh and I have been together for 26 years, two kids, no wedding.

Actually your link backs up my point that if you have no spouse they go to the next blood relative.And the link doesn't disprove that marriage is NOK at all. All it says is that you can choose who your NOK is.

You haven’t read it then - it says you can chose one if you like but that there is no legal status to next of kin and that they won’t have control over your treatment. So your scenario of your boyfriend’s family coming in and making decisions is not something that happens in the UK.

It’s ok to be wrong occasionally, honestly.